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RE: How to start a M/s relationship; protocols, rules, sex - 11/13/2016 6:50:44 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14412
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: UllrsIshtar


Everything I've said above wouldn't work on OsideGirl at all (I hope you don't mind me hijacking your post to illustrate the differences OG).
Likewise, everything she's said wouldn't work for my relationships at all.



I don't mind at all. Like I said, it's not a cookie cutter thing. What works for us may not work for someone else. There are zillion people that couldn't live within our relationship and a zillion relationships that wouldn't work for me. I consider myself blessed that I found someone that clicked with me and that we've had 17 amazing, wonderful years together so far.


_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to UllrsIshtar)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: How to start a M/s relationship; protocols, rules, sex - 11/13/2016 7:05:44 PM   
UllrsIshtar


Posts: 3693
Joined: 7/28/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: EasyE

Thank you. I will be taking a few pages out of your book. She admitted to some very destructive habits (recreational drug use) and the need for strict dominant in the first meeting (manipulative and will top from the bottom if allowed).

I appreciate your understanding that she needs help, guidance, and enforcement. The changes will come from within her but she needs me to point her in the direction and steady the course.



Be very very careful tackling recreational drug use, unless you are absolutely, without a doubt, 100% sure that there's no addiction involved, you cannot just order her not to use and expect her to be able to obey.
Even if there is no physical addiction in place, she might still have a very strong psychological addiction which enables her to cope with stress, which again, you cannot just order her not to use and expect her to be able to obey.

In both those cases, the root of her addiction needs to be addressed first. She needs to be taught new coping skills, new patterns, have a new environment, potentially new friends, etc, BEFORE you can expect her to stop just because you told her to. Using punishments before you've given her the tools to be able to stop will not work. It will indeed breed resentment (like others have warned you about can happen with punishment dynamics earlier in the thread) because it would be akin to telling her to lift 200 lbs without sending her to powerlift classes for months first.

If she is truly ONLY using recreationally, and there is no dependence whatsoever, you could go the route of simple prohibiting her, but I still wouldn't do so unless you've also got control over her environment (are living with her full time) because her recreationally use is going to be very habitual, tied to friends, tied to certain times of the day, tied to being bored, or lonely, and unless you can control those factors, you're still probably not going to have any success just ordering her to stop.
You will also need to have a close enough check on her environment so that you will know, you will find out, without a doubt, when she's disobeying you. There needs to be no way she can use behind your back without you finding out in a reasonably short amount of time.

This is because you shouldn't ever give a command that you are not 100% sure she can obey, and you should never give a command that you cannot enforce obedience on.

If you give her commands she cannot obey all you will train her to do is to distrust your leadership. It will train her to assume that anytime you give her a command she's not sure on, to trust her own gut, and assume from the get go that it cannot be done. You want to avoid that at all cost, for obvious reason.
If you give her a command you cannot enforce, and cannot check up on, all you'll train her to immediately start looking for ways to circumvent your commands as soon as you give a command she does not like.

This might meaning holding off on addressing her drug use until after you guys are living together, and you completely control her environment, until after you've gotten her professional help, until after you have taught her coping skills, etc, and being tolerant about the drug use in the mean time. This doesn't mean that you shouldn't tell her "we're going to work on getting you off drugs, and this is how" or express your displeasure at her when you know she used, or try to encourage her to refrain from using, but it does mean that you cannot point blank order her to not use and punish her for disobedience until you have actually given her the tools to actually be able to do so.

_____________________________

I can be your whore
I am the dirt you created
I am your sinner
And your whore
But let me tell you something baby
You love me for everything you hate me for

(in reply to EasyE)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: How to start a M/s relationship; protocols, rules, sex - 11/14/2016 7:08:46 AM   
EasyE


Posts: 111
Joined: 12/18/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: UllrsIshtar


quote:

ORIGINAL: EasyE


quote:

ORIGINAL: WickedsDesire

Have your bitch call me…she will like me, all gen-women like me trust me.

my point being op has no bint at all


I hope all 2000+ posts haven't been so useless. If so more power to ya, you have much more free time than me.


Yeah... no they all have been... I don't think anybody who's been here for longer than a week still bothers reading them.
There's a hide button on the bottom left of each post if it makes it more enjoyable for you to ignore people that way.

Thanks for the tip

(in reply to UllrsIshtar)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: How to start a M/s relationship; protocols, rules, sex - 11/14/2016 7:42:34 AM   
EasyE


Posts: 111
Joined: 12/18/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: UllrsIshtar


quote:

ORIGINAL: EasyE

Thank you. I will be taking a few pages out of your book. She admitted to some very destructive habits (recreational drug use) and the need for strict dominant in the first meeting (manipulative and will top from the bottom if allowed).

I appreciate your understanding that she needs help, guidance, and enforcement. The changes will come from within her but she needs me to point her in the direction and steady the course.



Be very very careful tackling recreational drug use, unless you are absolutely, without a doubt, 100% sure that there's no addiction involved, you cannot just order her not to use and expect her to be able to obey.
Even if there is no physical addiction in place, she might still have a very strong psychological addiction which enables her to cope with stress, which again, you cannot just order her not to use and expect her to be able to obey.

In both those cases, the root of her addiction needs to be addressed first. She needs to be taught new coping skills, new patterns, have a new environment, potentially new friends, etc, BEFORE you can expect her to stop just because you told her to. Using punishments before you've given her the tools to be able to stop will not work. It will indeed breed resentment (like others have warned you about can happen with punishment dynamics earlier in the thread) because it would be akin to telling her to lift 200 lbs without sending her to powerlift classes for months first.

If she is truly ONLY using recreationally, and there is no dependence whatsoever, you could go the route of simple prohibiting her, but I still wouldn't do so unless you've also got control over her environment (are living with her full time) because her recreationally use is going to be very habitual, tied to friends, tied to certain times of the day, tied to being bored, or lonely, and unless you can control those factors, you're still probably not going to have any success just ordering her to stop.
You will also need to have a close enough check on her environment so that you will know, you will find out, without a doubt, when she's disobeying you. There needs to be no way she can use behind your back without you finding out in a reasonably short amount of time.

This is because you shouldn't ever give a command that you are not 100% sure she can obey, and you should never give a command that you cannot enforce obedience on.

If you give her commands she cannot obey all you will train her to do is to distrust your leadership. It will train her to assume that anytime you give her a command she's not sure on, to trust her own gut, and assume from the get go that it cannot be done. You want to avoid that at all cost, for obvious reason.
If you give her a command you cannot enforce, and cannot check up on, all you'll train her to immediately start looking for ways to circumvent your commands as soon as you give a command she does not like.

This might meaning holding off on addressing her drug use until after you guys are living together, and you completely control her environment, until after you've gotten her professional help, until after you have taught her coping skills, etc, and being tolerant about the drug use in the mean time. This doesn't mean that you shouldn't tell her "we're going to work on getting you off drugs, and this is how" or express your displeasure at her when you know she used, or try to encourage her to refrain from using, but it does mean that you cannot point blank order her to not use and punish her for disobedience until you have actually given her the tools to actually be able to do so.


I understand. I used to use drugs recreationally when I was her age so I am not sure I even want to take it away initially. It might be better to monitor the habit, I added a protocol that she must ask first for now. At least I can monitor while I wait to decide what to do.

That being said you are exactly right. I myself developed a negative relationship with alcohol using it too much after work to burry stres from a demanding job. I went through celebrate recovery on my own motivation and quit. Through the process I learned the root cause was pride. Knowing that I can now stay sober and manage the triggers. If and when I decide to have her quit professional help and group therapy would be tools I would give her in addition to my own.

Pming you.

(in reply to UllrsIshtar)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: How to start a M/s relationship; protocols, rules, sex - 11/14/2016 8:37:54 AM   
ThatDizzyChick


Posts: 5490
Status: offline
make sure that she wants the sort of relationship that you want. So spend lot of time discussing just what you expect out of a Master/slave dynamic.

_____________________________

Not your average bimbo.

(in reply to EasyE)
Profile   Post #: 25
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