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Emotional trauma - 11/21/2016 11:01:23 PM   
JessieFly


Posts: 5
Joined: 11/21/2016
Status: offline 		I am worried about developing a ds relationship. I would like an honest answer from as many doms as possible to see the opinions out there.

Here it is:

Do you use being emotionally distant and cold to your submissive as an acceptable form of punishment?

I need to be submissive.. but I'm scared of being loyal and devoted to someone in all aspects and having that abused with emotional manipulation and no respect. I need a dom who will respect me... who will support me to take their physical punishment by strengthening me emotionally? Does that make any sense? I don't even know how to explain it well. I see so many things on this site that scare me.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Emotional trauma - 11/21/2016 11:33:27 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		I sometimes use no communication as punishment. When I do, it's done for an hour or two. Longer than a day is too much.

You know what kind of relationship you want, and are afraid of picking the wrong guy. All I can say is, don't rush it.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to JessieFly)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Emotional trauma - 11/21/2016 11:39:32 PM   
JessieFly


Posts: 5
Joined: 11/21/2016
Status: offline 		The trouble is I don't know if that guy exists! Haha. I don't know if people would consider what I want domination... I mean I wouldn't agree to everything.. and if that's the case is he ever truly in control?

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Emotional trauma - 11/21/2016 11:49:03 PM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JessieFly

The trouble is I don't know if that guy exists! Haha. I don't know if people would consider what I want domination... I mean I wouldn't agree to everything.. and if that's the case is he ever truly in control?


Even in D/S, it is about finding a dom who fits you. It's the same process as vanilla. Different Doms are different.
Just be clear about what you want in a dominant and look for that person.
I wouldn't worry about the dynamics about who is really in control. When you meet the right one, it all just works out. Also, if you find someone who you totally trust, then you wouldn't be questioning everything or disagreeing with him anyway.

I mean, seriously every dominant process dominating differently too. I mean, if my dom cooks dinner for me everyday, am I in control? He even ask me what I want to eat. He loves to cook. But he controls what I wear at home and out of the house.


(in reply to JessieFly)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Emotional trauma - 11/21/2016 11:49:56 PM   
JessieFly


Posts: 5
Joined: 11/21/2016
Status: offline 		Thank you =) very helpful.

(in reply to Greta75)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Emotional trauma - 11/22/2016 11:16:42 AM   
Alecta


Posts: 1355
Joined: 1/19/2010
Status: offline 		Drop labels and just be as detailed as possible about what you want up front, and stick to it. Make a differentiation between what you want now and what you want to grow into. Remember that you have the right to choose. Don't jump into things with strangers. Someone you have not met in person is still technically a stranger.
Everyone has their own way of doing things. It's your responsibility to commit to someone who suits your needs, not to commit to someone then expect them to meet yours.

(in reply to JessieFly)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Emotional trauma - 11/22/2016 11:58:32 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		If you find someone who wants the same things you do, then this is a non event.

So what if you don't want someone who tells you how much you can spend at the grocery store. If the person you pick doesn't care either, then it isn't a problem.

The Man trusts me to know what we need. He doesn't throw a fit if chicken is on sale and I decide to fill the freezer.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to Alecta)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Emotional trauma - 11/22/2016 12:30:29 PM   
UllrsIshtar


Posts: 3693
Joined: 7/28/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JessieFly

Do you use being emotionally distant and cold to your submissive as an acceptable form of punishment?



What does it matter how 'many Doms' answer that question? You've already decided that this isn't for you, so even if 99% answer that question with a 'yes', you'll still be looking for the 1% who'd answer it with a 'no'.

Don't ask 'many Doms' ask the Doms you're actually interested in.


quote:

ORIGINAL: JessieFly

I need to be submissive.. but I'm scared of being loyal and devoted to someone in all aspects and having that abused with emotional manipulation and no respect. I need a dom who will respect me... who will support me to take their physical punishment by strengthening me emotionally? Does that make any sense?


Yes, and those Doms exist. What you're describing is what most submissives I know look for.


quote:

ORIGINAL: JessieFly
I don't even know how to explain it well. I see so many things on this site that scare me.


Keep in mind that the internet is always going to show you an exaggerated version of reality. This is anonymous wonderland. People can say, and do, whatever they want on here. Because of that, you're going to get all the 'extreme' stuff be represented much more to the surface, even if in reality for most of these people it's just an online fantasy, and in real life they're looking for the same type of thing as you are.

If you go to munches, clubs, or conventions, you won't see all the crazy scary stuff, because in real life people aren't as fucked up as they pretend to be on the internet. Really.

quote:

ORIGINAL: JessieFly

The trouble is I don't know if that guy exists! Haha. I don't know if people would consider what I want domination... I mean I wouldn't agree to everything.. and if that's the case is he ever truly in control?


He exists. It is domination so long as you actually submit. Submission means "yielding to the authority of another". So if your D-type told you "wear red panties tonight" and you do, you just submitted. Even if you told him beforehand "I won't to xyz, at all, ever". You not doing xyz, and him not ordering you to do xyz, has no bearing on your ability to submit to him when he tells you "wear read panties".
What you have then, is a relationship where your D-type is truly in control over the color panties you wear. But isn't in control over xyz. Which is pretty much what every consensual D/s relationship, anywhere, ever, is like and has been like.

Nobody ever agrees to everything. You see tons of profiles online with people claiming they want blank agreement to everything. Or people claiming they'll submit to anything the D-type says, but when push comes to shove, it's not true. What they mean is: "I'll agree to anything as long as it falls withing the realm of what I think submission should look like".
I've got a pretty funny test for s-types who mail me on here, claiming: "Mistress I'll do ANYTHING for you". I tell them to write me a poem. 99.99% of them I never hear from again at that point, because "writing a poem" isn't a 'sexy' thing they want to do as part of a D/s relationship, and so they don't do it.

There is not a single consensual D/s relationship on the planet in which the D-type has ever been in control of everything, even if it sometimes looks like they are, because what the D-type wants, and what the s-type doesn't want is so similar, that the D-type never wants to order the s-type to do something they wouldn't agree to do. Look for that. Look for a D-type who's desires match your own close enough so that he wouldn't want to order you to do something you don't want to do, and voila, you now have a D/s dynamic in which you'll do anything at all he'll ever tell you to do.



< Message edited by UllrsIshtar -- 11/22/2016 12:32:13 PM >

_____________________________

I can be your whore
I am the dirt you created
I am your sinner
And your whore
But let me tell you something baby
You love me for everything you hate me for

(in reply to JessieFly)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Emotional trauma - 11/22/2016 1:40:11 PM   
kiwisub22


Posts: 450
Joined: 7/16/2016
Status: offline 		Seems to me that if you can't do "emotionally cold and distant", then when you are in the process of talking to doms, that would be something you need to bring up, or have in your profile as being a hard limit.

I don't do cold and distant either - when I was in a relationship with my Sir, if I was up for punishment as opposed to funishment, he had me stand facing the wall and not moving. Let me tell you, not moving is really hard and physically painful after a while. I don't remember what it was that I did, but I didn't do it again! But then again our relationship wasn't a punishment dynamic. I didn't do things to get punished for , and he didn't look for things to punish. If he wanted to play, it was more of "lets go to the dungeon" than "you bad woman, I need to cane you".

In the beginning of a relationship there are lots of things to get ironed out - and that for you is definitely one of those things.

(in reply to UllrsIshtar)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Emotional trauma - 11/27/2016 2:28:33 PM   
CelticPrince


Posts: 3613
Joined: 4/15/2005
Status: offline 		In short, a good Dom with always value his/her sub in all ways.

CP

(in reply to JessieFly)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Emotional trauma - 11/28/2016 11:59:16 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14412
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kiwisub22

Seems to me that if you can't do "emotionally cold and distant", then when you are in the process of talking to doms, that would be something you need to bring up, or have in your profile as being a hard limit.


^^^ This.

We don't do the "ignore" thing either. It's counter productive to how our relationship works.


_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to kiwisub22)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Emotional trauma - 11/28/2016 12:10:43 PM   
DaddySatyr


Posts: 9381
Joined: 8/29/2011
From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
Status: offline
If I am "emotionally cold or distant", the relationship is over. Plain and simple.

That said, I am the kind of person that mulls over a suspected "offense" to decide if it really is an offense and if it is a dire offense or if my ego is getting in the way.

So, from the other person's point of view, I might seem like I am not speaking to them and what little conversation there is will be "cold or distant", but what I am doing is evaluating the situation.



Michael

_____________________________

A Stone in My Shoe

Screen captures (and pissing on shadows) still RULE! Ya feel me?

"For that which I love, I will do horrible things"

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 12
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