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Newbie here - 7/24/2006 8:04:00 AM

graff

Posts: 8
Joined: 6/24/2006
Status: offline

This post will provably seem like a waste of time to most of you so sorry about that, but hopefully someone can provide me some guidance. Im posting it here in the switch board because i think thats provably what i am. Also im not quite sure what it is im trying to express, so i hope you bare with me if im not making any sense.

I recently turned 19 and have zero experience in any aspect of BDSM bar a few limited conversations. I find the topic intimidating as im completely out of my element, but i am very interested in exploring it. I think im a switch because i have always been very polite and like to please, but at the same time in situations that i feel at home in (eg sports), i often take control when someone needs to.

What i feel is keeping me from being more proactive in my exploration is what people will think of me. Logically i know there shouldn't be anything to worry about, but i have always been viewed by everyone as the well mannered, kind, etc, etc boy. Im not the guy your mother warned you about for lack of a better way to explain it. So hopefully that gives you an idea as to my general character. I want to take the first steps but don't know how, i am worried that people will see me as a different person.

Sorry i know theres alot of unfinished thoughts in there, if anyone kind of gets the gist of what im saying, and has any tips for getting over it id love to hear them.

RE: Newbie here - 7/24/2006 9:57:25 AM

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Your best bet at this point is to find a local social group for you to attend. Find people who have the same interests as you and will SHOW you that we're really just like you- we're all really good people and most of the world sees us as such.

You will still be judged- people in and out of the scene will judge you as wrong and bad. But that is a part of life that you will have to live with no matter what you get into.

But get out and show yourself that you really aren't all that different and that its ok to break out of the "good boy" mold to become "Who I am- and I can be good and everything else I want to be."

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to graff)

RE: Newbie here - 7/24/2006 12:42:35 PM

Posts: 41
Status: offline

Well mannered, polite, nice guy....

Bet a sweet Domme will snatch you right up.
Or-
Don't fret- get out and explore.
Stan

(in reply to graff)

RE: Newbie here - 7/24/2006 7:30:40 PM

graff

Posts: 8
Joined: 6/24/2006
Status: offline

Thx for the advice lucky and stanton

(in reply to stanton)

RE: Newbie here - 7/24/2006 8:29:32 PM

Posts: 1558
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline

You may be a switch but you might be a polite, well mannered Dom. Or you might be an ambitious, competitive sub.

It gets confusing.

I've been hanging out around here a year and still don't have it figured out. But like you I was simply too fascinated to walk away. What I've found is that I don't worry so much about labels. I tell people I'm a sub that likes to be independent, and a Domme with no experience. But I'm having fun.

Hang out, read, talk to others, ask questions. Like LA suggested, join a local group. You'll be amazed at what an ordinary group they will be.

(in reply to graff)

RE: Newbie here - 7/25/2006 6:10:19 PM

Posts: 6
Joined: 7/5/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

As a relative noob myself, I can confirm that you'll be surprised how "normal" and friendly most of the people you're going to meet will be.. You'll probably meet one or two motorcycle enthusiasts or other stereotyped personalities at some point, but you'll mostly meet people who look like bankers, teachers, insurance agents and doctors..

It's hard to deprogram the things you've learned while growing up about sex and 'deviance' and what 'normal' is, so you're probably going to feel awkward for a while, no matter how nice everyone is.. Scary or not, it's important to face your fears and find yourself and pursue the things that complete you, so don't get discouraged.. Keep it to yourself if people around you won't understand, but if someone finds out, don't be ashamed..

(in reply to TNstepsout)

RE: Newbie here - 7/26/2006 3:21:23 AM

graff

Posts: 8
Joined: 6/24/2006
Status: offline

Thx for the insight/advice :)

(in reply to DrNinethousand)

RE: Newbie here - 7/26/2006 6:44:40 AM

Posts: 1558
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline

quote:

Hang out, read, talk to others, ask questions. Like LA suggested, join a local group. You'll be amazed at what an ordinary group they will be.

How arrogant of me to quote myself. *grins*

But when I reread my post I thought of something. I described the people you might meet as "ordinary" but really I've met many "extraordinary" people. Really, they just masquerade as ordinary.

(in reply to TNstepsout)

RE: Newbie here - 7/26/2006 7:36:17 AM

Posts: 52
Joined: 5/10/2005
Status: offline

I may have a different take from some people here, I may not, who knows. Personally, I've always been the nice guy too; the boy scout, the straight A's, the guy girls like introducing to their mothers. That I'm a part time sadist, part time massochist hasn't really affected people's opinion of me, mainly because I only elect to tell people that I know love me anyway; my family is supportive of me (though uncomfortable with the ideas, they realize that I'm responsible and careful), my friends support me...some perhaps living vicariously through my tales of past experiences.

The trick to it all is finding what seems natural to you. Lifestyle friends will tend to understand where you're coming from, because many of us have been in the same place you are at some point. However, to say we are the only people you can talk to about it goes too far... it'd be the same as saying your straight friends will never be accepting of you if you come out of the closet.

It's all very personal, there's no silver bullet that is the cureall for existential dilhemmas. In time, through introspective thought and eventually the assessment of your feelings during experiences and afterwards, you'll come into your own and do just fine.

Welcome to the community.

Adam

(in reply to TNstepsout)

RE: Newbie here - 7/26/2006 5:04:04 PM

Posts: 2325
Joined: 9/14/2005
Status: offline

Stepping out of the shadows and into the public, social realm of BDSM can be extremely intimidating. What one should always keep in mind, though, is that each and every one of us has done the exact same thing. We've been where you are, graff, and I believe you'll find that *most* of the people you meet will be supportive and understanding as you explore and learn.

Do find a local group. Do go to a munch or two just to meet people. Don't let the big, bad Dominants intimidate you (for the most part, they're not nearly as big and bad as they like to think they are). And don't worry about what people are going to think. In all aspects of life, there will be those people who are kind to you, and there will be those who will judge you a fool or worse. It's no different in this lifestyle. If your concern involves people you already know, and how they will react to your explorations, I only have this to say: If they love you now, they will love you in spite of your chosen lifestyle. If you worry about it, don't tell them anything they don't absolutely need to know. Most of what we do, very few people really have a legitimate need to know.

You'll find your niche, in time. Until then, keep asking questions and educating yourself.

_____________________________

Denise

Give a slave what he truly needs, and he will do what you want.

"There's never a hero in a battle of ego." - Big & Rich

(in reply to BenignPlague)

RE: Newbie here - 8/2/2006 6:19:58 PM

graff

Posts: 8
Joined: 6/24/2006
Status: offline

Thx for all your comments, they have been very insightful and reassuring. Again showing my lack of knowhow here, does anyone know of how to find / get in contact with a local group?

(in reply to Evanesce)

RE: Newbie here - 8/2/2006 8:06:57 PM

Posts: 2325
Joined: 9/14/2005
Status: offline

Try here: http://www.the-iron-gate.com/munch_directory.php

My group is even listed here. I didn't think we were.

_____________________________

Denise

Give a slave what he truly needs, and he will do what you want.

"There's never a hero in a battle of ego." - Big & Rich

(in reply to graff)

RE: Newbie here - 8/4/2006 6:15:12 PM

graff

Posts: 8
Joined: 6/24/2006
Status: offline

Thx for the link ev, but i think that directory is only for groups in the States, im in Australia. Looks like alot of good reading anyway, so thanks for the link :)

(in reply to Evanesce)

RE: Newbie here - 8/4/2006 9:06:42 PM

Posts: 2325
Joined: 9/14/2005
Status: offline

Oops! Sorry! Guess I should've checked your profile first, eh? Try this one: http://domsubfriends.com/cgi-local/wwwdir/db.cgi?db=org&uid=default&country=AUSTRALIA&view_records=View+Records&ww=on

_____________________________

Denise

Give a slave what he truly needs, and he will do what you want.

"There's never a hero in a battle of ego." - Big & Rich

(in reply to graff)

RE: Newbie here - 8/4/2006 10:33:04 PM

graff

Posts: 8
Joined: 6/24/2006
Status: offline

much obliged, thankyou

(in reply to Evanesce)

RE: Newbie here - 11/14/2006 6:23:50 PM

Posts: 28
Joined: 11/13/2006
Status: offline

I too am a newbie and I am convinced that one must not get locked into some rigid idea of what each role comprises. Certainly one does not have to be a top in his sleep. How about that rare sympatico who makes you melt like a little virgin. I do not think there are immutable roles in human relationships. Clearly each role offers pleasant rewards. and to be able to have both should be a special boon.

Of course, I believe that the domme that I worship and adore has decided to seek a better fit for her life.
Vernon4

(in reply to graff)

RE: Newbie here - 11/15/2006 8:16:42 PM

Posts: 610
Joined: 4/15/2006
Status: offline

My mother absolutely adores my Master, because he is congenial, polite, and comes off as a very nice guy. In a different social context He can be a deliciously sadistic bastard, which is part of why His wife and I adore Him. Being polite and pleasant are perfectly respectable qualities whether you are Dominant, submissive or a switch.

Of course, I generally agree with LuckyAlbatross and today is no exception. We are generally like "normal" people and some people will judge you no matter what. So, get out and find a group. It is much easier to learn things in a group of like-minded individuals. Have fun!

(in reply to Vernon4)

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