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Connect outside of kink - 1/3/2017 1:51:13 PM

NerdsThunderCat

Posts: 27
Joined: 11/30/2014
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So I have an issue I am submissive in a ldr and I am clingy and needy

My partner has no problem with that but I sort if feel this disconnect as far as out side of play we have similarities between us of things we have in common be its like he like blue I like blue green

If that makes sense

I made a big ass list of things I want to know about him and asked and openly answered the same questions but I got vague or just one or 3 word answers

And i just feel like maybe it's only about the sexual and slight change of power and I just feel well I'm confused and frustrated with and have. Tried to express my feelings and was just called silly and. Given a hug

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RE: Connect outside of kink - 1/3/2017 1:52:34 PM

NerdsThunderCat

Posts: 27
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How can I fix this is it something I can fix or am I just killing my time

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RE: Connect outside of kink - 1/3/2017 5:01:59 PM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14412
Joined: 7/1/2005
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Not knowing the details of your interactions.

The best I can suggest is having a conversation and telling him that you feel it is important to you to feel connected beyond sex and kink. It's possible you caught him at a time he didn't feel like talking, etc. Maybe, journal your questions in writing and let him answer them at his leisure.

But, I will tell you three things:

1) Telling you that you were being silly was invalidating your feelings. Feelings are feelings and they are important. They shouldn't be invalidated, it will just lead to resentment and unhappiness.

2) What you're asking for is reasonable. If he's not willing to give you what you feel you need to be connected in the relationship, then you need to do some deep thinking about whether you continue in this relationship.

3) You need to also consider, that if he continues to blow off your feelings and needs, that he may be just in it for the sex and kink.

< Message edited by OsideGirl -- 1/3/2017 5:03:52 PM >

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RE: Connect outside of kink - 1/4/2017 4:23:57 AM

NerdsThunderCat

Posts: 27
Joined: 11/30/2014
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Thank you

Felt that it's best to slow down take a break from it see what happens I am thinking he is really just not good with talking about anything that's too deeply emotionally charged or having blunt questions thrown his way out of no

(Like what do you want with me?)

(Why me ?) I got an answer to this just did not like it " because I am sweet " I believe. He sai

Or I'm not shiny enough to keep more than him aroused

Time will tell

< Message edited by NerdsThunderCat -- 1/4/2017 4:28:07 AM >

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RE: Connect outside of kink - 1/6/2017 1:41:58 PM

DesFIP

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Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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He doesn't sound like he's very in touch with his own feelings.
It's possible that he meant it was silly for you to worry since he feels it's obvious that he wants to be with you.

I think this may be a Five Love Languages problem. Where you show love through words but he does it through physical affection. If so, it's not insurmountable but you must both learn each other's love language and make an effort to do what the other needs even though it may feel artificial to you.

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RE: Connect outside of kink - 1/7/2017 10:15:40 AM

LadyPact

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After you check out "The Five Love Languages," you want another book called, "He's Not That Into You". "Cause, if it were me, this would be a primary example of, 'yep, I'm getting my rocks off, but I'm not terribly invested in yout

If I'm not sharing our mutual interests, making you a part of them, etc, etc, it's not boding well for you. I mean, if I would happen to be into rock climbing and you're not, that's one thing. However, if I'm into rock climbing and you are, too, yet I never *involve* you when I engage in that hobby, (though I will with people who matter to me) you're just not that high on the importance scale.

Let's do the LP luminous test...

Can you name five of his co-workers? Can he? If not, he doesn't care about your work life.

How much time does he spend, per week, involved in co-mingled hobbies that don't include you? Does he engage in those hobbies with other people?

Can he name your five favorite movies, bands, or authors?

Does he know five things you have in your purse, right now?

How many of his friends know childhood memories about him that you don't?

If you do an honest assessment about these kinds of things, (use your own examples, as appropriate) you'll get a better grip on whether he cares about you as a person or just a piece of ass.

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