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Tips? Critique? Advice? - 2/28/2017 11:00:13 AM   
Sadsir


Posts: 4
Joined: 2/27/2017
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New here, and new to the idea of involving a new person into our dynamic. My wife is very excited about the prospect of having a sub to join in. She wants someone to dress up with. Someone to serve when the time is right. As you can imagine, so am I 😀

I suppose we aren't really looking for a slave, because we don't live that kind of lifestyle either. We're normal 22/24 hours of the day, but enjoy some light to moderate play. We'd like to find someone interested in participating, but I'm not really sure I've considered all the details just yet.

What's in it for her is a question that I've seen come up here. I'd say: room and board on a beautiful 2 acre property in Hawaii. Access to all of the snorkeling, hiking, swimming, hot ponds, etc the locale provides. Home-cooked meals, great coffee, good sex, organic food, and... the kind of peace and quiet that's only available at the end of the world. That isn't to say we live of-grid, or are roughing it. I mean that this is a place of peace, inclusivity, and aloha that is a balm to the soul.

So. After reading our profile, what might we be missing? Does it give a poor impesssion, or is there something we should add/remove? Are we doing it wrong?

Thanks in advance!
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RE: Tips? Critique? Advice? - 2/28/2017 11:24:15 AM   
OsideGirl


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From: United States
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Sadsir



What's in it for her is a question that I've seen come up here. I'd say: room and board on a beautiful 2 acre property in Hawaii. Access to all of the snorkeling, hiking, swimming, hot ponds, etc the locale provides. Home-cooked meals, great coffee, good sex, organic food, and... the kind of peace and quiet that's only available at the end of the world. That isn't to say we live of-grid, or are roughing it. I mean that this is a place of peace, inclusivity, and aloha that is a balm to the soul.




So, it's kinky sex in exchange for a nice place to live, rather than a relationship. (That's how that statement comes across)

Unicorns are extremely rare and there's a huge amount of competition for that rare commodity.

I'll also add that you need to do this together. The sub/bottom searching alone means that as a unicorn, you're not getting unbiased information. (And since as a sub/bottom, you're literally putting your life into the hands of the Dom/Top, it's important to know who that person is) A Dom/Top searching alone leads to questions of freely given consent by the other partner.

We've always had far more success by just being out in the community, getting to know people and suddenly feeling that "click".





_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Sadsir)
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RE: Tips? Critique? Advice? - 2/28/2017 11:41:02 AM   
Sadsir


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Joined: 2/27/2017
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Thanks much for the quick reply.

That is how it sounds. She'd become part of our family unit over time though, so there'd certainly be some sort of a relationship. I guess I'm just not sure what it would be yet. I suppose it would depend on what she needed, and how we all fit together. Also, I'm too new to really understand all of the options. If you were to put yourself into her shoes, what would you be looking for in terms of the relationship?

So what I was Asking for is a "unicorn"? Lol. Given the rarity of them, that doesn't bode well. Perhaps we should switch to the method you've suggested.. local participation.

Thanks also on your tips for working together on thE search.


(in reply to OsideGirl)
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RE: Tips? Critique? Advice? - 2/28/2017 11:59:27 AM   
OsideGirl


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Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Sadsir

If you were to put yourself into her shoes, what would you be looking for in terms of the relationship?


I'd want to know - what kind of poly it is: Open or closed, V or O.

I'd want to know how you expect the relationship to work.

For myself, I wouldn't be interested in being someone's sex toy that only interacts when someone is horny. I'd want to be friends, I'd want to know that emotional support will be there for me and that they have the ability to communicate. (Transparency is the key to success)






< Message edited by OsideGirl -- 2/28/2017 12:01:04 PM >


_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Sadsir)
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RE: Tips? Critique? Advice? - 2/28/2017 1:07:12 PM   
Sadsir


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Got it. Thanks so much for the valuable feedback. I'll make sure to address the concerns you brought up in our profile.

(in reply to OsideGirl)
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RE: Tips? Critique? Advice? - 3/1/2017 8:24:13 PM   
duchkey


Posts: 18
Joined: 5/9/2009
Status: offline
I agree with osidegirl on only one point. To know if the relationship was open or closed. I don't believe that it sounds like you are looking for a fuck toy that you would only be interested in when your were horny. That might be just the perspective of someone who is looking for relationship as the primary point of interaction. You offer to bring someone into your life, and for me that is not just the sexual aspect but the full entirety. You describe the trappings that would encompass your her life. This person has clearly never spent much time on any of the islands, and has no idea how small the population is or how stagnant and closed the community is there.

Perhaps a photo of you on your property would be nice, not just the property, that's not what people are looking for. They want to know you.

(in reply to Sadsir)
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RE: Tips? Critique? Advice? - 3/1/2017 8:27:30 PM   
duchkey


Posts: 18
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In addition, I invite anyone who would have tips critiques or advice in helping me find the relationship I am looking for to mention them (though please don't be so rude to do that here on Sadsirs thread).

(in reply to duchkey)
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RE: Tips? Critique? Advice? - 3/3/2017 1:57:50 PM   
UllrsIshtar


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Joined: 7/28/2012
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Will she be expected to do housework? If so, how much?
Will she be expected to have a job? Not have a job? What kind of job opportunities are there where you live?
If she's not supposed to have a job, then what about her financial future?
If she is supposed to have a job, then how will household finances be handles? Will she contribute financially, if so, how much and for which things? Will she keep her 'own' money, or are all finances handled communally? In either case, how will break-ups be handled financially?

Will she have her own room? Her own closet space?
What if she likes different food from the both of you (more junk food, for example)? Will that be part of the 'normal' household budget, or will she have to provide for those things herself? If she's to provide for those things herself, then what if her desired food budget is much larger (or smaller) then your own, how are you planning to keep track?
What about clothing budget?
What about activity budget?

Will she be allowed to have a say in the decorating of your house? Or will she perpetually be in 'guest' mode, where you both make all of those decisions?
Will she have alone time with both of you individually? Will you both have time together, with her not included? If so, how much, and on which schedule?
What are the sleeping arrangements? How about date night? How are anniversaries handled?

How much are you both willing to budge when she has plans or dreams that are not in line with your own? Lets say she wants to go on vacation to a location, or see a movie, or a play, which both of you, or one of you has no interest in going to? In a monogamous relationship, most people can count on their partner 'giving' a little, and doing some stuff they might not have preferred to do, to make their partner happy. Can she count on that from you?

How will you handle family events (thanksgiving, Christmas, weddings, etc)? Are you introducing her as your mutual girlfriend, or is she always left behind? Will you both be available to go to her family events? What if she doesn't want to admit she's poly to her family, will the male half of your couple be available to her to go to family events while the female half stays home?
How are you handling communications with your local friends, neighbors, etc?

How is retirement planning happening? Are you approaching this as a couple, or is it 'each for themselves'?
If she's not working, are you setting money aside for her retirement? Money she'll get to take if ya'll split up in 5, 10, 30 years?
What about health insurance?

In short: how much will she be a part of you both as a 'core' couple, and how much will she be the 'outsider', only included when it's fun and pleasure, but left to her own devices when it comes to her finances, future, security, etc, and always expected to be the one to 'give in' when what you both want is different from what she prefers?

_____________________________

I can be your whore
I am the dirt you created
I am your sinner
And your whore
But let me tell you something baby
You love me for everything you hate me for

(in reply to duchkey)
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RE: Tips? Critique? Advice? - 3/3/2017 3:57:20 PM   
UllrsIshtar


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Joined: 7/28/2012
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BTW, I'm not suggesting that you have to answer all of those questions here, to me, on the board.

I'm just trying to illustrate the type of questions you should be asking yourself, and be ready to answer when it comes to adding a third.
It's by no means a comprehensive list of all things y'all should be taking into consideration, and is only meant to serve as an illustrative example of the mindset you should have going into this kind of thing.

When it comes to monogamous relationships, people tend to know the answers to these types of questions by heart (according to their personal preferences) but our society doesn't prepare us with example of how these things play out when there are 3, instead of 2, people involved in a relationship.

And when it comes to poly relationship vs mono relationships, these questions become more difficult, because often in mono relationships, couples 'grow' into the answers to these types of queries. With a poly there's less opportunity for that, because a lot of these questions you, as a couple, will already have answered. The growing is done, the routine set, the balance is found... now you have to decide how much you, as a couple, are going to be willing to budge on that routine you already have, when your new partner wants to grow in a different way, and has different preferences than you as a couple have established.

And that's in addition to solving all the questions that are uniquely poly related, like how to manage the needs of 3 people when it comes to having solo time, one-on-one time, and poly time.




< Message edited by UllrsIshtar -- 3/3/2017 4:03:29 PM >


_____________________________

I can be your whore
I am the dirt you created
I am your sinner
And your whore
But let me tell you something baby
You love me for everything you hate me for

(in reply to UllrsIshtar)
Profile   Post #: 9
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