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How can a new person come into a 15+ year relationship - 5/30/2017 11:13:16 AM   
tamaka


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How can a new person possibly come into a 15+ year relationship. I mean, especially if you really love the person, it's really hard because they always have this other person that has been with them for so long, you are never going to be able to 'match up' to that in His mind.
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RE: How can a new person come into a 15+ year relationship - 5/30/2017 12:10:27 PM   
UllrsIshtar


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How can a new baby come into a 15+ year relationship?
How can a new teenage child be adopted into a 15+ year relationship with several other children present?
How can an elderly or disabled family member, who needs home care, come into a 15+ year relationship?

When new people enter established relationships, space, time, and resources need to be made available to them by everybody who was previously in said relationship. Which means that everybody has to adapt from 'the way things were' to 'the new reality'.
Whether that new addition to a family is a new child, a person in need of assistance, or a new love interest doesn't matter. Changes still need to be made, adaptations to current routines need to be made, resources (time, effort, as well as material) need to be redirected from where they were being previously used to give the new addition their fair share.

If everybody is on board with the new addition, everybody will gladly make the effort to accommodate that new person into their established relationship and routines.
The problem with poly happens when one or more people in the original relationship think they can have their cake and eat it too: they can have the new love interest added without changing anything about the way the current relationship works.

It doesn't work that way.
When you're talking to couples about establishing a new poly dynamic, the biggest clue as to whether things will work well or not is their willingness to talk about how adding a new person to the dynamic will change their patterns, their routines, their time spent with each other, their household budget, their living arrangements, their utilization of the house, their recreational time, and their relationship.
If they're somehow under the illusion that none of these things will change, run, run, run, as fast as you can.




< Message edited by UllrsIshtar -- 5/30/2017 12:26:12 PM >


_____________________________

I can be your whore
I am the dirt you created
I am your sinner
And your whore
But let me tell you something baby
You love me for everything you hate me for

(in reply to tamaka)
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RE: How can a new person come into a 15+ year relationship - 5/30/2017 12:26:42 PM   
tamaka


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Thanks for that... i really needed to hear that.

(in reply to UllrsIshtar)
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RE: How can a new person come into a 15+ year relationship - 5/30/2017 12:40:09 PM   
WickedsDesire


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never loved anyone and yet legend says I have the capacity. But are you saying you and your other have been in a 15 year relationship and he wishes to bring someone into that?

_____________________________

wE arE tHe voiCes,
We SAtuRaTe yOur aLPHA brain WAveS, ThIs is nOt A DrEAm The wiZaRd of Oz, shoES, CaLcuLUs, DECorAtiNG, FrIDGE SProcKeTs, be VeRy sCareDed – SLoBbers,We DeEManDErs Sloowee DAnCiNG, SmOOches – whisper whisper & CaAkEE

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RE: How can a new person come into a 15+ year relationship - 5/30/2017 1:12:43 PM   
tamaka


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quote:

ORIGINAL: WickedsDesire

never loved anyone and yet legend says I have the capacity. But are you saying you and your other have been in a 15 year relationship and he wishes to bring someone into that?


No. I am saying the man i am with has another woman that he has been in a relationship with for over 15 years.

(in reply to WickedsDesire)
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RE: How can a new person come into a 15+ year relationship - 6/2/2017 12:01:04 PM   
LadyPact


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With all due respect to Ishtar...

If the person you are involved with maintains the concept of primary and secondary relationships in the way he has structured his version of poly, he may not see his relationships as equal or 'matching up'. It's hierarchy based and one of the relationships is a higher priority in his life than any subsequent relationships that he might add. Such hierarchy can be based on any number of things. It can be time/length of involvement, marital status, different types of relationships that a person has, or a combination of these or other reasons.

Right about now is where people have the knee-jerk butt hurt reaction because some folks interpret hearing 'not as important as the primary relationship' to the equivalent to 'not important at all'. It doesn't work like that. It's not like if it's not 50/50 (time, attention, etc) that the only alternative is 100/0. Currently, my split is something around 80/20 as far as independent time, which works for everyone involved. (I'm counting that as 'just' relationship time with either of them independently. Not co-mingled time or time that is set aside just for myself, friends, or other endeavors.) It works well for us.



_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to tamaka)
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RE: How can a new person come into a 15+ year relationship - 6/2/2017 12:12:42 PM   
tamaka


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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

With all due respect to Ishtar...

If the person you are involved with maintains the concept of primary and secondary relationships in the way he has structured his version of poly, he may not see his relationships as equal or 'matching up'. It's hierarchy based and one of the relationships is a higher priority in his life than any subsequent relationships that he might add. Such hierarchy can be based on any number of things. It can be time/length of involvement, marital status, different types of relationships that a person has, or a combination of these or other reasons.

Right about now is where people have the knee-jerk butt hurt reaction because some folks interpret hearing 'not as important as the primary relationship' to the equivalent to 'not important at all'. It doesn't work like that. It's not like if it's not 50/50 (time, attention, etc) that the only alternative is 100/0. Currently, my split is something around 80/20 as far as independent time, which works for everyone involved. (I'm counting that as 'just' relationship time with either of them independently. Not co-mingled time or time that is set aside just for myself, friends, or other endeavors.) It works well for us.




Yes LP, but correct me if i'm wrong, your 'secondary' relationship has a 'primary' relationship of his own, and it's not you.

(in reply to LadyPact)
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RE: How can a new person come into a 15+ year relationship - 6/2/2017 12:50:18 PM   
UllrsIshtar


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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

With all due respect to Ishtar...

If the person you are involved with maintains the concept of primary and secondary relationships in the way he has structured his version of poly, he may not see his relationships as equal or 'matching up'. It's hierarchy based and one of the relationships is a higher priority in his life than any subsequent relationships that he might add. Such hierarchy can be based on any number of things. It can be time/length of involvement, marital status, different types of relationships that a person has, or a combination of these or other reasons.

Right about now is where people have the knee-jerk butt hurt reaction because some folks interpret hearing 'not as important as the primary relationship' to the equivalent to 'not important at all'. It doesn't work like that. It's not like if it's not 50/50 (time, attention, etc) that the only alternative is 100/0. Currently, my split is something around 80/20 as far as independent time, which works for everyone involved. (I'm counting that as 'just' relationship time with either of them independently. Not co-mingled time or time that is set aside just for myself, friends, or other endeavors.) It works well for us.





I never said anything about the new relationship being "equal" to the primary (or original) relationship.

Everything I said still holds true whether you're ranking your relationships hierarchically, or whether you consider them equal.

Even in a situation where the original relationship is granted a special, or a higher, status than the new one, and where the new relationship is expected to defer to the old one in all ways, there is still going to be an impact on the old relationship by adding a new partner into the mix.

- If time is spent with the new partner, there is less time available for the original partners to do things together.
- If activities are done with the new partner (even if the new partner pays for their own share) there is still an impact on the budget of the old relationship.
- If the new partner moves in, there is still and impact on household arrangements.
- Even if the new partner doesn't move in, but merely spends time at the old relationship's domicile, that impacts everybody in the household, merely because a new person is present during meals, tv watching, cleaning activities, recreational activities, etc, etc.
- If the old partners interact with the new partner on an emotional basis, this is going to impact their mood (they'll be happy at times, have arguments/fights at times, feel tired from spending time with them, feel more energized from having played with them, etc, etc). This impact the new person has on the emotional state of the people involved with them is going to impact the old relationship.

And so, on and so on.

Whether that impact the new person has is big or small, depends on a whole bunch of factors, including how good the new person 'fits' into the old relationship, how much contact there is with them, how much the old relationship is given priority instead of compromises being made, etc, etc.

But the impact is going to be there.
Just like there would be an impact if you develop a new friendship with somebody, and start spending time, energy, and resources, on developing that friendship with that new person.

To think that you can have a new relationship in a vacuum, where the interaction with the new person doesn't impact the original relationship at all is ludicrous. Any new social interaction you have with a new person, or even with a new hobby, is going to have some degree of impact on all previously established relationships and hobbies, even if it's just a change in your mood as a result.



_____________________________

I can be your whore
I am the dirt you created
I am your sinner
And your whore
But let me tell you something baby
You love me for everything you hate me for

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: How can a new person come into a 15+ year relationship - 6/2/2017 2:19:40 PM   
tamaka


Posts: 5079
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: UllrsIshtar


quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

With all due respect to Ishtar...

If the person you are involved with maintains the concept of primary and secondary relationships in the way he has structured his version of poly, he may not see his relationships as equal or 'matching up'. It's hierarchy based and one of the relationships is a higher priority in his life than any subsequent relationships that he might add. Such hierarchy can be based on any number of things. It can be time/length of involvement, marital status, different types of relationships that a person has, or a combination of these or other reasons.

Right about now is where people have the knee-jerk butt hurt reaction because some folks interpret hearing 'not as important as the primary relationship' to the equivalent to 'not important at all'. It doesn't work like that. It's not like if it's not 50/50 (time, attention, etc) that the only alternative is 100/0. Currently, my split is something around 80/20 as far as independent time, which works for everyone involved. (I'm counting that as 'just' relationship time with either of them independently. Not co-mingled time or time that is set aside just for myself, friends, or other endeavors.) It works well for us.





I never said anything about the new relationship being "equal" to the primary (or original) relationship.

Everything I said still holds true whether you're ranking your relationships hierarchically, or whether you consider them equal.

Even in a situation where the original relationship is granted a special, or a higher, status than the new one, and where the new relationship is expected to defer to the old one in all ways, there is still going to be an impact on the old relationship by adding a new partner into the mix.

- If time is spent with the new partner, there is less time available for the original partners to do things together.
- If activities are done with the new partner (even if the new partner pays for their own share) there is still an impact on the budget of the old relationship.
- If the new partner moves in, there is still and impact on household arrangements.
- Even if the new partner doesn't move in, but merely spends time at the old relationship's domicile, that impacts everybody in the household, merely because a new person is present during meals, tv watching, cleaning activities, recreational activities, etc, etc.
- If the old partners interact with the new partner on an emotional basis, this is going to impact their mood (they'll be happy at times, have arguments/fights at times, feel tired from spending time with them, feel more energized from having played with them, etc, etc). This impact the new person has on the emotional state of the people involved with them is going to impact the old relationship.

And so, on and so on.

Whether that impact the new person has is big or small, depends on a whole bunch of factors, including how good the new person 'fits' into the old relationship, how much contact there is with them, how much the old relationship is given priority instead of compromises being made, etc, etc.

But the impact is going to be there.
Just like there would be an impact if you develop a new friendship with somebody, and start spending time, energy, and resources, on developing that friendship with that new person.

To think that you can have a new relationship in a vacuum, where the interaction with the new person doesn't impact the original relationship at all is ludicrous. Any new social interaction you have with a new person, or even with a new hobby, is going to have some degree of impact on all previously established relationships and hobbies, even if it's just a change in your mood as a result.




nm

(in reply to UllrsIshtar)
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RE: How can a new person come into a 15+ year relationship - 6/2/2017 3:50:29 PM   
LadyPact


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quote:

ORIGINAL: UllrsIshtar
I never said anything about the new relationship being "equal" to the primary (or original) relationship.

Everything I said still holds true whether you're ranking your relationships hierarchically, or whether you consider them equal.

I'm going to save a bit of space by not quoting the whole thing. I'm actually not in disagreement about what you said regarding resources. Anything could be considered a resource that is not being used on the primary partner. I could join a bowling league and it would be the same thing.

quote:

Whether that impact the new person has is big or small, depends on a whole bunch of factors, including how good the new person 'fits' into the old relationship, how much contact there is with them, how much the old relationship is given priority instead of compromises being made, etc, etc.

I agree with this, too. That's even with me being V-type poly, which, if we got right down to it, is a bad representation anyway. It does well with the two spokes of the V being separate, but it's inaccurate that the spokes are equal. Both 'matching up' to the other to the same level.

quote:

To think that you can have a new relationship in a vacuum, where the interaction with the new person doesn't impact the original relationship at all is ludicrous.

I don't believe I said that. I do have the belief that, if a person is going to be involved with somebody who is poly, it might be a good idea to know how that person categorizes their relationships.


More to come, but I have a previous engagement.





_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to UllrsIshtar)
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RE: How can a new person come into a 15+ year relationship - 6/2/2017 4:01:16 PM   
WickedsDesire


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Joined: 11/4/2015
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15 years really who was that?

_____________________________

wE arE tHe voiCes,
We SAtuRaTe yOur aLPHA brain WAveS, ThIs is nOt A DrEAm The wiZaRd of Oz, shoES, CaLcuLUs, DECorAtiNG, FrIDGE SProcKeTs, be VeRy sCareDed – SLoBbers,We DeEManDErs Sloowee DAnCiNG, SmOOches – whisper whisper & CaAkEE

(in reply to LadyPact)
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RE: How can a new person come into a 15+ year relationship - 6/3/2017 12:30:09 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32561
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quote:

ORIGINAL: tamaka
Yes LP, but correct me if i'm wrong, your 'secondary' relationship has a 'primary' relationship of his own, and it's not you.

Consider yourself corrected.

I understand why there might be confusion. I consider it no harm, no foul. Mathematically, 87% of my s-types have been single. This includes my current one.


ETA: I would probably have to ask for clarification, as well. How are you classifying "matching up"?

If you are in a situation where you are comparing yourself to the 'fifteen year' relationship that the M-type has with somebody else, I don't see that as working out a whole lot. Focusing on certain types of interpretations of "matching up," just sets a person up for envy.

How do you see your dynamic with the M-type, without his other dynamic being a part of it? If he was single, would you be satisfied with the relationship that you have now?



< Message edited by LadyPact -- 6/3/2017 1:08:09 AM >


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to tamaka)
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RE: How can a new person come into a 15+ year relationship - 7/18/2017 3:36:18 PM   
AtUrCervix


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quote:

ORIGINAL: tamaka

How can a new person possibly come into a 15+ year relationship. I mean, especially if you really love the person, it's really hard because they always have this other person that has been with them for so long, you are never going to be able to 'match up' to that in His mind.


I've always said:

If you put anyone second, you'll never be first.

If you put EVERYONE first.............you'll never be last.

(in reply to tamaka)
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RE: How can a new person come into a 15+ year relationship - 7/24/2017 4:04:30 PM   
kiwisub22


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OP, the one time my Dom tried poly, I was happy for him - because I loved him enough to want him to be happy. Not to say that I wasn't insecure or a bit jealous - actually, I could say that, but it wouldn't be true.

The thing is, is that if a couple has a secure loving relationship, poly shouldn't be a huge issue if they want it . If the new person has insecurity issues - well, he/she is going to have to acknowledge that with both people and work through it.
If someone goes into a poly situation, and loves one of them so much and wants the (perceived) lions share of attention of the loved one, then there are going to be issues.
To me, poly is like dating, but with at least double the potential problems. Of course, it also comes with double the potential joys.

(in reply to AtUrCervix)
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RE: How can a new person come into a 15+ year relationship - 7/24/2017 6:00:19 PM   
MirceaPopescu


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Joined: 11/8/2013
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quote:

ORIGINAL: tamaka

How can a new person possibly come into a 15+ year relationship. I mean, especially if you really love the person, it's really hard because they always have this other person that has been with them for so long, you are never going to be able to 'match up' to that in His mind.


The adolescentine mindset on display might not be adequate for sexuality generally, poly or no poly.

Suppose it wasn't "polyamory" but "marriage", and you could never "match up" to "His" drinking buddies, because you cant' drink, or to his coworkers because you don't work there or to his parents because etcetera.

You aren't caught in some sort of race run against the entire rest of the world joint and several. On the contrary -- you can be perfectly happy with a man that loves another woman before you. I'm aware they don't tell you these things in rarara-speshul-snowflake ed, but... vanity and self interest aren't the cornerstones of happy relationships.

Just relax and take in the sights, you know ?

_____________________________

Representative democracy doesn't work and doesn't make sense.

(in reply to tamaka)
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RE: How can a new person come into a 15+ year relationship - 7/26/2017 12:41:13 PM   
ThatDizzyChick


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quote:

you are never going to be able to 'match up' to that in His mind

Correct, so don't even try. While you may never "match up" to her in his mind, neither can she "match up" to you in his mind. You are two different people, and you will each provide him with different things, just as each of them will provide you with different things.
Don't try to equal, just be you and do you.

_____________________________

Not your average bimbo.

(in reply to tamaka)
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RE: How can a new person come into a 15+ year relationship - 7/26/2017 12:50:46 PM   
tamaka


Posts: 5079
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ThatDizzyChick

quote:

you are never going to be able to 'match up' to that in His mind

Correct, so don't even try. While you may never "match up" to her in his mind, neither can she "match up" to you in his mind. You are two different people, and you will each provide him with different things, just as each of them will provide you with different things.
Don't try to equal, just be you and do you.


Thanks Dizzy... great advice. I guess this is a growth thing for me. I am learning to do just as you said. Luckily her and i are very different people so i am learning to appreciate that what she provides Him frees me from the need to be 'everything' to Him, which honestly, i can't anyways. I gave up almost everything i've ever had or even identified with to just be the 'true me' which is really just a slave. I am not a wife or girlfriend... i'm really just His slut and obedient slave and that's really all i can be because i've been broken down to that. But that's all i've ever wanted to be for a very long time. So i am glad that He has another woman there who can fill the other roles He needs because i can't do it. Sorry for rambling.

(in reply to ThatDizzyChick)
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RE: How can a new person come into a 15+ year relationship - 7/28/2017 8:11:51 AM   
MirceaPopescu


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Joined: 11/8/2013
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quote:

ORIGINAL: tamaka
Thanks Dizzy... great advice. I guess this is a growth thing for me. I am learning to do just as you said. Luckily her and i are very different people so i am learning to appreciate that what she provides Him frees me from the need to be 'everything' to Him, which honestly, i can't anyways. I gave up almost everything i've ever had or even identified with to just be the 'true me' which is really just a slave. I am not a wife or girlfriend... i'm really just His slut and obedient slave and that's really all i can be because i've been broken down to that. But that's all i've ever wanted to be for a very long time. So i am glad that He has another woman there who can fill the other roles He needs because i can't do it. Sorry for rambling.


Far from rambling, sounds rather like you have what one could at the outside hope for. Enjoy!

_____________________________

Representative democracy doesn't work and doesn't make sense.

(in reply to tamaka)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: How can a new person come into a 15+ year relationship - 8/1/2017 1:16:04 AM   
UllrsIshtar


Posts: 3693
Joined: 7/28/2012
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quote:

ORIGINAL: tamaka

i'm really just His slut and obedient slave and that's really all i can be because i've been broken down to that.


If after all this time, you're still associating slavery with 'being broken down' you need to spend some time reading Greyhound's blog: https://www.bondagelife.com/life/

_____________________________

I can be your whore
I am the dirt you created
I am your sinner
And your whore
But let me tell you something baby
You love me for everything you hate me for

(in reply to tamaka)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: How can a new person come into a 15+ year relationship - 8/1/2017 7:42:33 AM   
tamaka


Posts: 5079
Status: offline
Thank you for sharing that. Unfortunately i arrived at my Master's feet very broken down as a result of things i don't discuss here. He has been patiently working with me for a year now and i am starting to feel my mind and body finally starting to grow new life again. I don't associate slavery with being broken down. Although i do think that can happen.

(in reply to UllrsIshtar)
Profile   Post #: 20
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