Handling Non-Attraction with Love

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Handling Non-Attraction with Love - 6/6/2017 11:30:40 AM

Driverkitty

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Hello all. I am in a sticky situation, and I am hoping that perhaps someone might have some advice that might help me resolve it.

I have 2 girls. One of them, I have been with for over 4 years, and married to for something like 6 months. She's legally my wife, but realistically, she's a sub/slave/girl...whatever. We've never bothered, nor felt the need, to define or label it. Suffice it to say that she is mine.

I love her dearly. She takes care of me in an overall way that any dominant or Master would be happy with. She anticipates my needs and wants, she goes the extra mile, gets me little gifts and extras, just to see me smile and make me happy.

By the same token, I love making her happy. I buy her little gifts, do my best to make a big deal out of her birthday (even though I don't celebrate birthdays - I do it because she never had a good birthday in her childhood). I hold her while she cries, stroke her hair, soothe and comfort her, and I love every minute of it because I am there for her, and I genuinely, deeply love her.

However - I don't find her sexually interesting. She's not unattractive - in fact, she's a very cute girl. She is a bigger girl - okay, she's fat - but that doesn't detract from her looks really all that much. I still think that she is very pretty.

The problem is, there are things about her I don't share. For example, I love breasts. Playing with them, pinching, biting, sucking, tormenting them - basically anything to do with them. But her breasts aren't an erogenous zone for her. She actually almost entirely lacks feeling in her nipples up to the point of pain. That is, she feels really nothing at all up until it starts to unpleasantly hurt.

Also, I like tickling, which does nothing for her. And I enjoy overstimulation torture - which she actively dislikes. She is into puppy play, which...well, there is a reason I prefer cats over dogs. And, to top it all off, she has (what I consider) an unpleasant odor from her vulva. It isn't a health issue, I am fairly certain, because it has been there since I have known her, and she has been to the doctor, both GP and Gyno, since then, and I would have thought that were it because of a health condition or problem, they would have caught it. She's not lacking in hygiene - she showers every day and is scrupulously clean. It's just very strong and not very pleasant, to my nose. I haven't said anything to her about this because if it is just her natural odor, there isn't much she can do about it and I don't want to hurt her feelings or make her self-conscious. Even after a shower, it's still there - lessened, but still there.

I love her dearly, and I have absolutely no desire to release her or leave her. We are in a poly relationship, so she is free to seek other relationships, with my advice and consent (as her dominant or whatever). However, she has told me that she feels a 'huge sense of desire' for me, and while I have told her, in gentle terms, that I was not as attracted to her as I could be, in the past, she has said that she gets angry and frustrated, and occasionally jealous, that she cannot 'express her desire for me', while my other girl gets more sexual attention because she is simply sexually more interesting to me.

Can anyone give some advice how to resolve this situation? What steps you might take or what might be helpful? I would prefer that you reply to my inbox, if you can - I don't spend much time in the forums here. Thank you in advance for your advice and assistance.

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RE: Handling Non-Attraction with Love - 6/6/2017 6:22:17 PM

UllrsIshtar

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You want your cake and eat it too.

You want all the things she brings to your life, and are fine with the things (sexual attraction) she doesn't bring. But at the same time you're getting those things you're missing elsewhere.

You need to be honest with her, and tell her exactly why, and how, you're not sexually attracted to her, and that you're more than willing to stay with her despite that, because you're getting other things from her which you want.

She needs to know, because she's obviously wanting those sexual from you. She's not satisfied just getting her sexual itches scratched elsewhere. She wants that sex life without you.\

It's all good and well that you've decided that you're okay being with her while not being attracted to her, but is she okay being with you with you not sexually attracted to her? You don't know, because you haven't been fully open and honest with her.

You need to tell her the full truth, so that she knows you will never be there for her sexually the way she's wanting/waiting/hoping for you to eventually be.
That way, she will be able to make up her mind if all the things you give to her that aren't sexual are worth being with you for.
And your problem will be solved, because if she decides to stay with you, she'll stop expecting you to be sexual with her.

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RE: Handling Non-Attraction with Love - 6/6/2017 7:30:11 PM

freedomdwarf1

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Apart from what Ishtar said, I would say you didn't learn much about her during the run-up to the marriage, or (more likely the case), you were not honest with her from the start.

I strongly suspect you were sooo overrun with uber domliness that you failed to get to know the human side of her.
Now, your bigger head seems to have realised you've goofed up big time and regretting it.

I would go with what Ishtar advised - come clean and spill the beans and wait for her response.

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RE: Handling Non-Attraction with Love - 6/6/2017 7:55:04 PM

WickedsDesire

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can i call

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RE: Handling Non-Attraction with Love - 6/6/2017 7:57:46 PM

Greta75

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FR
Ouch, I feel for her when I read that.

The big problem here is, it sounds like you are too frightened to tell her the truth because you just want her around for other things but not really sexually.

But you are depriving her of a choice whether she is okay with that with you.

She deserves a man who finds her sexually attractive and you are depriving her of that choice.

There will be no dilemma, IF you just let her make the choice and if she choose to stay with you, at least, it's open and truthful and you got nothing to stress about.

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RE: Handling Non-Attraction with Love - 6/6/2017 8:04:33 PM

WickedsDesire

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there is no her

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RE: Handling Non-Attraction with Love - 6/6/2017 10:40:20 PM

Driverkitty

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I hear and understand the advice that has been presented to me (except from WickedsDesire, who I cannot understand at all). Here is the situation:

It is all as above, and I have spoken to her in the past about this situation. I have told her that I am often not very attracted to her. Obviously, she stayed with me, but she has said a few times that she feels jealous of angry because I am not as attracted to her as my other girl.

I do take exception to the case of 'have your cake and eat it too' - it's not as if I am simply out to get as much as I can from her. I do as much as I can, with the exception of sex, to make her happy and give her a better life. And she is free, according to our relationship dynamic, to seek out a lover (male or female) with whom she can enjoy her sex life. The problem is that she has said that she has a strong desire for /ME/....not simply for sex, and it is a desire that simply is not reciprocated.

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RE: Handling Non-Attraction with Love - 6/7/2017 2:43:24 AM

Greta75

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Driverkitty
I have told her that I am often not very attracted to her. Obviously, she stayed with me, but she has said a few times that she feels jealous of angry because I am not as attracted to her as my other girl.

It's good that you told her, but I hope you told her as bluntly as possible. So she is still not thinking otherwise.

If it was made very clear to her, then I hope this was made clear prior to marriage that if she married you, she needs to live with the fact that you do not desire her as much as you do other women and if she accepts that as a life with you, then, it's her choice for what she is getting into. I think she just need a "Wake me Up" reminder about this. To leave you alone about feeling jealous and stuffs. Because it's like, if you already told her this is the reality. Then she chose to stay in this reality to be with a man who does not desire her above others sexually.

quote:

she has said that she has a strong desire for /ME/....not simply for sex, and it is a desire that simply is not reciprocated.

She has a strong desire because her sexual desire is emotionally motivated and clearly not physical motivated. Thus, because you treated her the best in her life, her sexual desire for you will be strongest.

And that will be her personal problem. Because the "sexual desire" she wants with you, is probably more about emotional intimacy, than sex. And she can't get that with other men.

I don't think you can fix this. I think she actually needs to go counseling to resolve her own end of things. Like she either needs to accept this is the way it's gonna be or leave.

< Message edited by Greta75 -- 6/7/2017 2:50:38 AM >

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RE: Handling Non-Attraction with Love - 6/7/2017 2:46:32 AM

WickedsDesire

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I can handle a hoard of women. I do prefer the nymphomaniacs myself - a batch.

Do you even know what to do with a women?

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wE arE tHe voiCes,
We SAtuRaTe yOur aLPHA brain WAveS, ThIs is nOt A DrEAm The wiZaRd of Oz, shoES, CaLcuLUs, DECorAtiNG, FrIDGE SProcKeTs, be VeRy sCareDed – SLoBbers,We DeEManDErs Sloowee DAnCiNG, SmOOches – whisper whisper & CaAkEE

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RE: Handling Non-Attraction with Love - 6/7/2017 2:51:37 AM

WickedsDesire

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gonna show us all these two women?

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wE arE tHe voiCes,
We SAtuRaTe yOur aLPHA brain WAveS, ThIs is nOt A DrEAm The wiZaRd of Oz, shoES, CaLcuLUs, DECorAtiNG, FrIDGE SProcKeTs, be VeRy sCareDed – SLoBbers,We DeEManDErs Sloowee DAnCiNG, SmOOches – whisper whisper & CaAkEE

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