UllrsIshtar
Posts: 3693
Joined: 7/28/2012 Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: ThatDizzyChick Really? Well bowl me over, I never would have thought that. Yeah really. Not doing quotes cause it'd be too long but: I saw him as dominant from the first moment I saw him, which is why I basically threw myself at him, took him home, and fucked him senseless for a weekend. Check. The problem was he didn't see himself that way. Sorta check, considering that he saw himself much more as D/s than M/s, with me coming from a strong M/s background. And so he was much more 'bedroom only' with less control in vanilla life than I wanted. So I did the sort of stealth sub thing with him, being the best girlfriend a guy could want, but it didn't do it for me. I needed him to dominate me actively, not passively, I needed him to make decisions without me having to urge and cajole him into it. Check. Well over the next couple years our relationship got increasingly strained, because I was unhappy in it because he wouldn't take control. Check. I didn't tell him, because I was somewhat in denial myself at that point, but one night after we had a huge fight, one that looked like it might bring the relationship to an end, I got really drunk, and when he came home I just spilled my guts to him, I laid it all on the table. Difference. I did tell him. Often. We evolved several times from those conversations. He took me to bed and held me till I cried myself to sleep, and the next morning he told me he wasn't sure if he could be any good at it, but if I would show him and teach him, and be his coach, he would try to give me what I needed. Close enough in essence that it's a check. After that we talked a LOT, a whole fuck of a lot, about me, my wants, needs, motivations, and his feelings about it, his wants, needs, he did a lot of thinking to develop his ideas regarding his role, and mine, and together we just figured out what might work for us and implemented it. Check. We've fucked up a couple times (well to be honest, quite a lot), but after every fuck up we talk about it, what went wrong, why, and what we would do about it. And we then adjust what needs adjusting and we go forward, together, as a team. HELL fucking check. We still talk a lot about me and my demons and dark corners, he knows more about me than anybody else, including myself. Check. I say that because when I get upset (it happens a lot, which I am sure comes as no surprise to anybody), he always seems to know exactly how to get me through it. This is central to our dynamic, it gives him the insights he needs to do what I need without me having to tell him or ask him the way I did at first. Not check. In fact, this is somewhat reversed with us. He's got hang ups with letting his 'beast' out, as well as struggling with depression, and I'm the one that always knows how to get him through. However the bond created by working through stuff together like that still strengthens our dynamic instead of undermining it. The struggles were with both of us. It took him a while to be comfortable with hurting me, he found it a turn on, but it went against his socialization. When I finally realized and accepted that I was a masochist, and that I actively wanted and enjoyed being hurt, it became easier for him. Check. The time with The Other Fella also helped a lot, because he had competition, and that sort of drove him further into the role, but it also helped him define his limits, there were things The Other Fella would do that he didn't enjoy doing. Check. Seeing me play with other men did that for Ullr. For example, before he'd seen another guy choke me out, he was very hesitant about breath play. Now he does it without even thinking about it during sex. And when The Other Fella split, that helped him as well, because we were in a time of extreme crisis and I was a total mess, falling back into the booze and dope path, and it fell on him to take control of the situation despite his pain and grief. And he did. and he has not stepped back since. Check. Though difference circomstances. While the D/s element is an integral and central aspect of our relationship, it is a relationship before it is a D/s relationship. Check. I suspect there would be a huge difference between what we do and what anybody would consider anything even vaguely M/s. Check. And while our power dynamic is not very visible to the outside world, I am a bossy, demanding, and mouthy partner, but that is the way he wants me to be, we tried me being meek, and we both hated it. Check. With the exception that he still likes me meek from time to time. But he knows how to put me there when he wants me there, like a puppet on a string. Most of the time he wants me to keep as close of an eye on him keeping his shit together (and speaking up when he doesn't) as he does with me. I have the direct expectation to speak up when I this he's being an asshat... and to just generally be cheeky and keep him on his toes. It's part of the service he expects. he started dating me because he liked my crazy, and he doesn't want me to stop being the crazy chick who picked him up in a bar one night. Check. Except that it was online. He's told me that I'm good at pushing him out of his comfort zone, because I'm crazy and just run around wild while he wants to overthink everything. He's learned to let go to some extend, and to just follow me on my crazy spur of the moment ideas, knowing that it won't be the end of the world, even if it does go wrong. He likes the spontaneity that brings into his very ordered existence, and one of the things he's worried about throughout our relationship is how to have me collared and him firmly in charge, while not putting the breaks on that kinda craziness at all.
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I can be your whore I am the dirt you created I am your sinner And your whore But let me tell you something baby You love me for everything you hate me for
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