RE: Depression in your life and play (Full Version)

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popeye1250 -> RE: Depression in your life and play (8/1/2006 12:41:33 AM)

Tapestry, I'm taking lithium for it. You too?
Do you have trouble sleeping?



Tapestry -> RE: Depression in your life and play (8/1/2006 1:44:34 AM)

No, I'm on a combination of drugs that seem to work pretty well for me.

Ummm...sleep?  What is this thing you speak of?

*sigh*

I do sleep sometimes, better when sleeping with Master, for obvious reasons of course, the safety and security, the physical closeness, hearing His heart beat beneath my ear, His breathing calming and soothing me, His arms holding me close against Him.  BUT, also because I am more content to lay there quietly when with Him, than when I'm alone.  I can be awake for quite awhile with Him, and remain as still and quiet as possible so I don't disturb Him, and the next thing I know it's time to wake up and I've been asleep for quite awhile.

The Dr has given me different things to help me sleep, but I've not had great success with any of them.  Moderate exercise seems to help as much or more than anything else.

The other thing I have are panic attacks that can set in at any time.  They aren't constant, but I wonder if this is common to others?  As open as I am about all this, and as much as I have no shame of my depression and medication, the panic attacks and symptoms that go with them are something I'm very self-conscious about.  The feeling of not being able to breathe is bad enough, but the jittery feeling and shaking in my hands really bothers me.  When they're shaking like that I feel that I have no control over my own hands.  I remember an educational class that BESS hosted on electro-play, taught by Dr. Cook.  We had time at the end of the class to sample the many different items he showed us.  My friend hooked the back of my hand up to one of these units (forget what it was) and my hand started twitching and I had no control and I couldn't stand it.  I ripped it off and moved away from my friend back to Master's side.  He knew what had happened, but know one else understood, because I've always been too self-conscious about the shaking and panic to mention it to anyone else.  Master is the only one who knows.  OK, well up until now, lol.

I think I might be able to sleep now, let's hope I can get more than 2 hours.



velvetears -> RE: Depression in your life and play (8/1/2006 6:47:11 AM)

Susan, 

i understand your decision not to have children but i couldn't help but feel so sad when i read that. Life would not have the quality it has for me without mine in it. And my oldest does suffer depression and it is a heartache to see it happening, i do feel "guilty" sometimes that she may have "inherited" it from me.  But life is a journey and a struggle at times and we are all here to learn. 

You are right also in saying people will do almost anything to hide it so they will feel more accepted. No one wants to feel like a failure when they hear others say things like "snap yourself out of it", "oh come on lets do something fun you'll feel better" "stop sitting on your pity pot and get moving" etc.... These things can crush a truly clinically depressed person. And you cannot tell who has situational depression from those having clinical depression - whats the difference anyway - they both feel shitty!

i am not on  meds anymore so my sex drive is fine now ;-)  Thank god - i really hated feeling so "sexless" it was awful - like my genitals were anesthetized.  i have a very paranoid conspiracy theory on that one LOL..... the medical profession has purposefully created that side effect so us depressives won't procreate - problem solved lol. 

What an awful experience to have recieved those phone calls - those people are the epitomy of insensitivity.  No compassion at all, self righteous, bible toting , souless individuals.  Did they forget, "there but by the grace of God go i" ? Not that i believe that, but its in the bible!

You are right on when you say sometimes "faking it" can help though.  Depression as told to me by one therapist is a thoguht disorder - we are what we believe we are. So even if you don't believe you are good, loveable, wonderful, etc just look in the mirror each day and tell yourself you are - change the thought process and you can help pluck yourself out of the quicksand of depression. 

Sunshine it's great what you did for your son - it's not easy dealing with depressed teenagers. My daughters depression hit around 14. i am still "working" to help her through it.  She's 18 now.  i think we finally found the "right coctail" as the doctors call it. Hers is compounded by severe anxiety disorder as well. 

QuietDom if you can distract yousef away from the depression thats great - i have been told that physical activity works wonders - a catch 22 for many depressives who cannot even get out of bed and shower in the orning, but it sounds like it might work for you since you can at least do some activity to help yourself.  Good luck!

Tapestry very heartfelt post, thank you for writing it! i can relate about the saying "i am tired" all the time to avoid having to explain to anyone, who will just make us feel more depressed by their thoughtless remarks.  Pain play helped me as well.  So i definately think there is a chemical thing going on inside me.  Good luck with your teen - as i stated above, i can sympathize with you. It's soooooo hard to see our children suffer. 

Popeye, the way you describe being bi polar almost makes me feel like i missed out only being unipolar LOL.... but kidding aside i am sure there was a lot of suffering you were going through even during your "manic" phase.  i have a niece who is bi polar and she had to be hospitalized for 3 months - what a WORLd of difference now - shes on the right meds and is a totally different person. She was unbearable to be around, especially when she stayed with me and was up all hours of the night!! Big time sleep deprivation!!

Good luck to you all - i too like someone stated earlier wanted to "avoid" this thread - but i am so glad i didn't!



leakylee -> RE: Depression in your life and play (8/1/2006 7:38:45 AM)

I am using fast reply and not really responding to anyone in particular. I havent been on here much the last week or so, and I have avoided reading this thread. But I just did. I am snifflin. I know that I have mentioned that I have the bi-polar mess. But seeing the support and understanding is so encouraging. I know that I have seen people literally freak when they learn that another has a condition that is not of thier choosing. To wittness the understanding is just refreshing. Thank you.
ok sopping up the mush now..

Lee



SusanofO -> RE: Depression in your life and play (8/1/2006 8:56:34 AM)

velvettears: I appreciated your post. As for me deciding not to have kids - I am not dissing anyone w/this illness who has them (I'd never do that). It's a personal decision. I appreciate the sympathy, but it was a consious choice for me, so no need to feel bad. You really had to be there to understand it, I guess - what my father and his side of the family has been through. I just could not stand it anymore. I tried to talk my sisters out of procreating. But, they went ahead with it (they had no depressive episodes, though, themselves, so I am not sure they really get what it does to people, in a true sense).

Fortunately, my nieces and nephew are fine, and show no signs of it at all (and they are in their late teens and early twenties now, so if it was going to rear its ugly head, my guess is it would have happened already). But, I really do think having kids w/this disease takes tremendously compassionate parenting skills, and my hat is definitely off to you, and to other people who have them.

- Susan



SusanofO -> RE: Depression in your life and play (8/1/2006 9:06:03 AM)

dear leakylee: That is good to hear. I am so glad peoploe get something out of these posts. I do think more people read them, and that it possibly helps more people than we'll ever maybe know - adn you (and a couple others) have proved that by saying what you just did. You are not a weirdo.  It's an illness, like any other. Why any adult would consider someone dealing with this a big, huge deal is beyond me (as long as the person is making an affort to get treatment). Although I do realize that "getting there" can sometimes be wearing to another). Anyway...HUGs! And more HUGs! [:)]

- Susan   



leakylee -> RE: Depression in your life and play (8/1/2006 9:13:51 AM)

Thank you Susan. I also respect you decision not to have any of the unmentionables. While I never really wanted them, I totally understand not wanting to continue things into another generation. My condition comes from both sides of the family, so I know it is a very strong possibilty that I could pass it on. That is a really rough choice to make and couldnt have been easily made. Hugs are alwasy a plus.

Thank you
Lee



dincubus -> RE: Depression in your life and play (8/1/2006 9:17:43 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: openmindedslave

Depression is something that so many people really don't understand. Recently I was talking to a friend I met here who was dealing with the level of players that have turned her away from enjoying this lifestyle. In our conversations she was discussing her history of depression with me and how she is starting to believe that her depression may be getting in the way of her success here. Funny thing was discussing this persons situation , in general ,with another friend here, she discussed her lack of interest here may also be due to her depression..

My question is has to do with how many out here have stories where depression, whether on your part  or from the other partner, have made you feel like you missed  out on something  wounderful?


I am diagnosed as manic-depressive as well as being clinically depressed. That is a major issue. Also, given that the meds i am on are soooo expensive, there is a basic choice within my life of literally eating and having gas to get to work, or purchasing my meds. I think the choice there would be obvious.
It sucks. I try to keep things in perspective, and yet seem to fail at many  points.
As far as missing out on things, I feel alot of times I miss out. I miss out on good things all the time. I just do what I can to survive. At times, it feels as if I am barely doing that



SusanofO -> RE: Depression in your life and play (8/1/2006 9:25:53 AM)

leakylee: I think people have a right, of course, to always make their own decisions about this. And I am definitely not promoting not doing it over doing it. For me, there were just a whole lot of personal circumstances and experiences, and reflection on what the entire family was and had been through that went into it.

There were two serious boyfriends who tried to talk me out of it, and another who just plain got pissy about it (thanks buddy, you made it easier for me to walk away...actually, he didn't. He made me feel confuised and awful and like some weirdo about it. Like I was some kind of freak of maternal nature. But, that's over now). But - I think everyone should decide these things for themselves. Neither decision is right or wrong. 

-  Susan 



velvetears -> RE: Depression in your life and play (8/1/2006 9:32:36 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: dincubus
I am diagnosed as manic-depressive as well as being clinically depressed. That is a major issue. Also, given that the meds i am on are soooo expensive, there is a basic choice within my life of literally eating and having gas to get to work, or purchasing my meds. I think the choice there would be obvious.
It sucks. I try to keep things in perspective, and yet seem to fail at many  points.
As far as missing out on things, I feel alot of times I miss out. I miss out on good things all the time. I just do what I can to survive. At times, it feels as if I am barely doing that


There is a book that somone recommended to me - i believe the title is Feeling Good - not sure of the authors name at the moment - my daughter read it after i bought it for myself and never read it lol... and i think it helped her a lot. It sucks when you have to make choices like food gas or meds.... can you get any kind of assistance with it?  Meds can work wonders to get you back on your feet - if it really gets that bad... good luck... hope things get better for you soon!



SusanofO -> RE: Depression in your life and play (8/1/2006 9:33:00 AM)

dincubus: I think anyone who needs meds to survive (and you do) should be able to get them inexpensively enough not to have it threaten thier material quality of life (but that's another thread. In any case, you have my sympathy). I have a little theory on why people get the particluar stuff they do to deal with in life. I really do believe (and haven't always) that God doesn't give people things they cannot handle (but the caveat to believing that is, of course, that handling whatever "it" is can sometimes be a huge _itch, and take many years of "adjustment').

I do really believe that the people who get to deal w/horrific abuse, etc - are in fact special in the sense that their purpose might be to get people aware of how to deal w/these situations more effectively. This might not be any different that that in some ways. if so, I am glad (wasn't always, not be a long shot) to be a Guinea Pig I guess.     

- Susan



popeye1250 -> RE: Depression in your life and play (8/1/2006 9:51:18 AM)

Velvetears, lol, no, you didn't really "missout" on anything!
The first time I took lithium was great.
It started working almost immediatly! I felt great!
Slept better, mind not racing
I've never been hospitalized for it all outpatient mostly at the V.A.
Tapestry, no I've never had panic attacks. Not really "afraid" of anything after all the years in the military.
Do you mean a TENS unit? The electrical thing?
And yes, I know what you mean about the no sleeping thing. I feel better if I'm on "some" type of a schedule as it were.
My "Circadien Rythem" gets screwed up easily , it's like my mind thinks there should be a 30 or 36 hour day instead of a 24 hr day



popeye1250 -> RE: Depression in your life and play (8/1/2006 1:20:10 PM)

Susan, you mentioned that you do volunteer work with kids who've been abused.
You must see a lot of depression symptoms in them too. How sad!
Do any of them get attached to you or you to them? Is this like a "halfway house" or something?
What happens to them? Are they being treated for depression?
Do they have medical personel on staff?
Funny, I just got a big envelope from "Father Flanagan's "Girls and Boys Town" which is in your state today in the mail!
That's one of the charities that - The Ancient Order of Hibernians- of which I am a member supports.
I remember that movie with Bing Crosby about "Boys Town" when I was younger.



openmindedslave -> RE: Depression in your life and play (8/1/2006 2:05:37 PM)

You know something ....this might end up being the most useful question I have ever seen on collarme. So many good people  have express an openness to share their stories...their  experiences and more eimportantly a piece of their selves with all of us. The essence of this started with having to live with someone with depression. The idea of how it takes control of others and how the other person, is not so much the only victum in all of this. So many of those who care about them , also because hurt and feel the results of sharing a life with a person with depression..



SusanofO -> RE: Depression in your life and play (8/1/2006 3:47:39 PM)

popeye: Maybe I shouldn't mention this, but - my father was a head honcho (Executive V.P.) at Boystown for over 40 years (it is now known as Girls and Boystown, as you noted). His job was basically to go into large cities and try to convice the mayor and powers that be to allow Boystown to set up a group home there. In the early days, there were many protests w/people doing things like throwing rocks at the kids because they didn't want "juvies" living in their neighborhood (which wasn't really applicable, since the most dangerous kids were never chosen for group homes anyway). Since then, things have clamed down, though. Thye have group homes all over the U.S., and also in the Virgin Islands, as well as the main campus in Omaha. 

He loved his work. I remember when I was a little girl, and he was a caseworker, there was this blind, almost retarded guy who was one of his cases, who would always call my dad every night, just as we were all eating dinner. It drove my mother nuts. He was boring to listen to, she said, but my dad always took his calls, and never ever said he was busy - for like, 20 years! I asked him why once, and he said "because I'm all he's got". That's my dad - I am so proud of him!

Yes, I do get attached to some of the kids, and they to me. It is always heartbreaking to me when one of them leaves the facility for whatever reason, if I've grown attached, and I am not notified before they go. But I am Just a colunteer, a peon, really. So they sometimes don't let me know. I enjoy working there, though. It would be hard to give up, and I know I will want to always do some of that kind of work. We do get unmentionables who need psychiatirc care, and then they go elsewhere. For just everyday sadness, that's what we are there for, I guess, we volunteers and social workers.  



SusanofO -> RE: Depression in your life and play (8/1/2006 3:48:41 PM)

open-minded slave: I am glad it's been helpful. I know it helped me. I am glad it was started. Great thread.

- Susan



popeye1250 -> RE: Depression in your life and play (8/1/2006 4:00:54 PM)

Susan, that's cool as hell about your father!
I just opened the envelope and it has a bunch of printed  labels with my name and address on them and the history of Boy's (and Girl's ) Town.
It says it covers 900 acres with 72 homes that care for 700 kids.
It has it's own Fire and Police Dept's, schools, farm, post office.
I didn't realize it was that big!
I know that they've done A LOT of good since 1936!
They'll have a check in the mail from me tommorrow.
Wow Susan, I'm VERY impressed!



SusanofO -> RE: Depression in your life and play (8/1/2006 4:03:34 PM)

popeye: Yes, it's a wonderful imstitution I think. Both of my sisters had thier weddings in the beautiful little chapel on the campus (I was married by a Justice of the Peace, and later in a smalll neighborhood church).

- Susan



popeye1250 -> RE: Depression in your life and play (8/1/2006 4:21:29 PM)

Susan, it must be awful tough working with young ones like that.
You want to do something to help them but where do you start!
I'm sure they have medical personel there though, probably a hospital too.
One time when I was in the USCG we had a plane crash scene off of Grand Bahama Island.
We arrived onscene at about 0700 and there was another CG vessel and two Helos onscene.
There were thousands of styrofoam cups floating in the water as well as other stuff like seat cushions, parts of the aircraft, personal belongings.
The other CG vessel radioed to us to make sure all personel were armed because "a large shark just took a bite out of one of the victims."
We were cruising around looking for bodies and then all of a sudden we saw a teddy bear floating in the water.
I saw a bunch of tough guys in uniform with guns practically lose their breath when they saw that teddy bear floating like that.
You do good work!
I hate seing people hungry or homeless myself.



velvetears -> RE: Depression in your life and play (8/1/2006 4:44:53 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

He loved his work. I remember when I was a little girl, and he was a caseworker, there was this blind, almost retarded guy who was one of his cases, who would always call my dad every night, just as we were all eating dinner. It drove my mother nuts. He was boring to listen to, she said, but my dad always took his calls, and never ever said he was busy - for like, 20 years! I asked him why once, and he said "because I'm all he's got". That's my dad - I am so proud of him!



What a beautiful soul your dad was, that brought tears to my eyes... thanks for sharing



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