Cloudz
Posts: 836
Joined: 9/13/2005
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ZAPPER
This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket
Taser" for their anniversary.
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary, and I was looking for
a little something special for my wife Toni. What I came across was
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser. The consequences of the Taser were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse effects on her
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety..WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
triple-A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing.I was
disappointed. I learned however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed
it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arch of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the
face of the microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy,
thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two little
triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie
looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the
directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a
flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie
(for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet
cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank
top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose,
directions in one hand, Taser in another. The directions said that a
one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two second
burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily
control; a three second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop
on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three
seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this
little devise measuring about 5 inches long, less than ¾ inch in
circumference-pretty cute, really---and loaded with two itsy , bitsy
triple-A batteries, think to myself, "No possible way!" What happened
next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.. I'm sitting there
alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say,
"Don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny
little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a
one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked
thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION ! I'm
pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in
the recliner, and then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over
and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in
my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never
heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it
again, do it again!"NOTE: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself
with a Taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second
burst when you zap yourself. You will not "let go" of that thing until it
is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A
three-second burst would be considered conservative. A minute or so later
( I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I
collected my wits (what little I had left), set up, and surveyed the
landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.now
how did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh, and both nipples
were still twitching. My face felt as if it had been shot up with Novocain
and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. Yeah, lesson learned and still in
shock, Tommy
_____________________________
Enjoy the Journey,
~Cloudz
"Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain."
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