My holiday wish...
The holidays are the time of the year when many celebrate family and the moments that blend into memories that you will have for the rest of your life. My life was devoid of these type things as I was part of a religion that did not believe in holidays so we would just have an empty day to do some type of church work. That void carries through as now at this phase of my life of being single, it seems to be a very empty time of the year. What so you do? But spend some time with a surrogate family or find some type of volunteer work to not be alone and starring at the walls during the day. Then there are movies, a type of escape from reality that allows you to go on a marathon to keep your mind occupied as well. In the last six years I have done one or a variation of all of these things to find some type of ritual to not feel sorry for myself and feel like I had something to do. Well I am tired of it as I am not where I am supposed to be...
How do you define what it means to be where you are supposed to and then where you are not?
Well in my life I have learned where I am not and why.
Not is being with someone that drains your energy and takes all your effort to try and find some type of peace. It is that sick feeling of, why am I here and how to I ever find a way to make this better? That place where you look and think I lived all my life and this is what I have to show for it? Finding the courage to stand up and fight your way out of all of it to only find you are starting all over again and just simply dreading it but knowing it is the right thing for you. Spending Christmas alone and wondering if you will ever have that moment where that special someone will be there with you so that you will never feel his way again. While it is ok being alone rather than miserable with someone else it is still a 'not' when you think about what you want for the rest of your life.
So then...the answer that begs for a question is, what is where you are supposed to be? A smile crosses my lips as I write this as it is something that I feel and know is possible and will someday be part of my life. May I just call it a 'meant to be'? 'Meant to be' is every Christmas have an amazing getaway planned so that people look at you and say I wish I was them for the holiday. It's that person that makes you smile every time you think about them and know they do the same for you. Energy.... that feeds each of you to make you want to do not only for each other but have so much more to give to others. Waking up in someone's arms and feeling like this was the way it was always. Making each other laugh uncontrollably... yes I know it is stupid but something I really need... Intimacy and erotic lust with someone like you have never known with anyone else. Walking into a room as a couple and owning it as everyone just sees it. A touch when no one else is looking that let's you know you are amazing and cherished. Everything you give is returned in such a way that it makes you cry when you think about it. The knowing that no matter what life offers one thing that will hold true, like a ship that is built well, a sword that has fired a hundred times with a blade that will not dull, a heart with such trust it could never betray you, this person will be the one to be the last someone you will ever love this way for the rest of your life. Yes it is a gift yet a different kind of special something to give to anyone. The present of everything you are and hope to be, wrapped up with forever to be shared with this one person you have looked for all your life.
So as I write this... again... the smile touches my lips as I think that just maybe you might be reading this and it is making you smile as well. You see my wish is to never again spend another holiday alone or miserable with someone. But instead, to read this story to you as I hold you in my arms and even without words you understand you are the greatest gift that I have ever known. The warmth I feel in my heart as well as the knowing that this can exist keeps a twinkle in my eye because you somehow feel this same thing and with a simple look know you are finally where you are supposed to be.
For me the ultimate gift is simple you see, it is two people finding where they are supposed to be and resolving the current mind-numbing celebration situation.