RE: help please (Full Version)

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FelinePersuasion -> RE: help please (8/4/2006 12:06:11 AM)

Devil, family  interfearance is one of the quickets ways to ruin a relationship, and no you don't have to be fucking the family for them to cause rifts in the relationship. 
quote:

ORIGINAL: Devilslilsister

Nah.. he's a nab.

Look, he dumped you.  Cos he's a nab.  For stupid reasons.  Not like he's fucking yer family is it? 

so you got even, and even tho two wrongs dont make a right.. you screwed another guy.

Sure you were wrong!  So what, its not like you're always right.  And ahem, doesnt seem like he's always right either. 

Why not U get mad for being dumped?  uhhh?  Be like.. what the fuck?  You fucking dumped me for a scrub reason.. why the hell should i take you back?  How the hell do i know yer not gonna dump me for some other dumb reason? 

Look - he fucked up and you fucked up.  Yall can either forgive or you cant. 

Seems simple to me, whats the prob?

oh.. court.. um unless yer a crack whore.. u should be fine...

and as far as going "on" like this.. i recommend u go out and find the NEAREST bottle of Drano! 

Drano doesnt sound like fun?  Then i suppose you CAN go on like this.. or you CAN do something about it. 




mons -> RE: help please (8/4/2006 12:10:24 AM)

greetings
 
if ever time we became mad at our loved one's and we just had sex each time there would be on real relationship you did wrong i will not say your right. he has a right to be mad dear and as for you family sometimes they can be the worse part of a break up. go back to him and yes he will bring it up it is not easy to forget what you did. no if you love one another fight for him and i hope he will fight for you. i hope all turns out well. some people will say oh get rid of him but they will not be alone and hurt with a child to rasie along. as long as he is not an abuser and as long as he is good to your child go to him and beg that you are sorry you did something that hurt him deeply. I do not mean to be so hard but we are not in your shoes do what you know is right
 
mons



bignipples2share -> RE: help please (8/4/2006 2:13:48 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterKalif

quote:

ORIGINAL: Evanesce

quote:

In terms of your story, I think what you did was cheating and plain wrong, I would not be so forgiving in your BF's place. I mean if you really loved him, out of spite, how could you have sex with another guy? That to me, shows a lack of love.


Bullshit.  Sex is not love, and love is not sex.  They broke up, she did another guy two days later, the ex comes back and says he wants to work it out but gets ticked off because she sought comfort in a physical form with someone else.  It wasn't cheating, and he needs to get over it.
 
However, this couple has a much bigger problem than whether or not she "cheated."  If the family is interfering so much with the relationship, it's for one of two reasons:  A) the family is a bunch of meddlesome control freaks, or B) this couple has demonstrated a distinct lack of maturity, and the "meddling" is an attempt at damage control so the child might have some semblance of normalcy in his life.  I'm betting on B.


ok well that might be bullshit to you, but to me and Im sure for some other out there it is not...while love does not equal sex, they are intertwined sometimes, and this seems to be the case. I dont know if you read my whole post, but I stated that if it had been a "no-strings attached" type of setting, then there are no worries. I wonder if you would state the same thing if it had been the guy cheating.

In any case, I mentioned that in passing, my point was that the main focus needs to be the baby.

Okay, but how long after he says it's over is she supposed to wait? 2 days, 2 weeks, 2 months, 2 years?
He walked out on her, he left, he nixed the relationship, he said it's over. She just took him at his word. He let it be known that he didn't want to be there anymore, therefore, she did not cheat. Doesn't matter if the exact senerio were reversed. The only time it would put a different slant on it was if the person doing the walking out the door went off to bed with someone else, then tried to get back with the person they walked out on. Then I'd be questioning their reasons for walking and it just being the fact they wanted to sleep with someone else, so they could say it's not cheating, however, she didn't walk, he did..that's not cheating. He has no right to expect her to wait for him when he's said it's over.
From what is said, she wasn't rubbing his face in it either, as someone else stated. She was informing him what has transpired since he decided to walk out the door, nothing more. I see it as better now than at a later date, since he wants to reconcile.
____________________________________
To the OP, is this a recurrent theme?
Does he walk out only to return a few days later?
Then I might have a problem with you're seeking 'whatever' in someone elses arms. If this is the case, then you don't know how to argue, which is not by walking out on each other only to return a few days later after 'cooling off'.

For me, if you're walking out that door and saying it's over, you better make damn sure that's what you want to do, because the minute you do, I'm single and I will not sit around and wait for you to return, no matter what I choose to do, bed someone or not. The other person has given up that right to decide, or pass judgement on what it is I am doing, or with who. The chances of that door opening back up is highly unlikely, it's not a revolvling door and I've no desire to repeat the same thing next month, or next year, when he's decided to walk out again.
The only concern is that the unmentionables needs are being met.

~Big



swtnsparkling -> RE: help please (8/4/2006 4:52:41 AM)

Just a quick question:  Has your family ever meddled or not been fond of any other b/f you have had or is he the first one?



Kree -> RE: help please (8/4/2006 5:10:11 AM)

Quick comment:

First, I feel you did nothing wrong.  He broke it off, he doesnt have the right to say a damn word. 

Second, the family thing will never end and will only escalate.  You have two choices 1) let the family run your life and submit to their petty comments and directions, or 2) be a damn adult and make up YOUR mind what is best for you.  The family thing is a cancer that will always haunt you if allowed to exist and grow.

If he can not drop this and let it go... be pleased that you learned that he can be as petty as your family and move along with your life.



Arpig -> RE: help please (8/4/2006 5:42:26 AM)

You fucked some guy 2 days after being dumped, and the guy who dumped you calls it cheating and proof you never loved him????
I call that proof he isn't worth the kleenex you wipe your nose with. He dumped you, you were free to fuck whoever you want to.



Evanesce -> RE: help please (8/4/2006 6:55:58 AM)

quote:

I wonder if you would state the same thing if it had been the guy cheating.


Under the exact same circumstances?  Absolutely.  There was no "cheating" in the situation as it was presented.



MissTlTTYMilk -> RE: help please (8/4/2006 7:19:02 AM)

If someone felt guilt about it, i assume that he or she had some kind of nonverbal understanding.  It is hard to determine given such little information.  To mention "for the sake of the child" is a little bit of a sympathy plea, because it does not seem in the context of the message that any other action was done or not done for the child's sake.. i am not sure exactly what the family said and did or if their words or actions was openly directed to him. Perhaps, one also felt compelled (due to guilt) to share somethings that were implied, miscommunication errors, or were shared in confidence after you raised an issue about him and were receiving feedback of some kind.   Does the family not like him because of the things one has repeatedly  discussed about him after disagreements?  Are they (the family) getting one side of the story?  I know only one side of the story so it seems he could have a valid point or be a manipulator...or something in between.  

My point is if this a relationship you want to save, it is something you should be able to discuss with him not with a D/s forum or your family--ultimately it is something that needs to be worked out between the two of you and running to other people (ie family, one night stand, or a forum) is a problem especially when only given one side of the story.

Does anyone have a stick of gum?



onestandingstill -> RE: help please (8/4/2006 7:26:28 AM)

Hello There,
I can understand what prompted you to see someone else. I also feel you didn't do anything wrong. I say in my opinion you did not cheat on him. Just because you didn't wait long has no bearing on how committed you were to him before he dumped you. It's two separate issues that have nothing to do with each other in my book. If he had not dumped you, you'd have never been in the other guys bed to start with.
I think his attacks on you for finding some form of comfort is coming from his frustration he feels for letting you go. We all have said things to others in retaliation of pain we actually caused ourselves. It's his coping mechanism.
I say if you two indeed belong together you will work things out. If you two were not meant to be you'll get through that too.
I feel for all three of you as a split of a family (even if recovered) is a painful thing to have to endure for sure.
Good luck to you as I know it's not going to be easy.
Sincerely,
Suzanne



WhipTheHip -> RE: help please (8/4/2006 12:03:08 PM)

Hi there,
 
     I am in no position to judge your behavior or his.   No one is perfect.  We all make mistakes. 
You love someone with all your heart, you have a child with this person, and stand to lose your
child.  This person doesn't meet your needs.  You fight all the time.  It sounds like the two of
you should go to counseling.   Without living in your household it is hard to know who is
responsible for the fights, you, him or both of you.  
 
     Was your boyfreind wrong on walking out on you because of your inalaws. Probably.
But it doesn't matter.  None of us is perfect.  We all make mistakes.  We all have to
learn how to forgive and forget. Don't dwell on the past.  Don't try to figure out who is
to blame for what.  It really doesn't matter who was right and who was wrong.  Focus
solely on the future. 
 
     It doesn't matter if what you did was right or wrong.  It hurt the feelings of the person you
love, and wounded his ego.   How would you feel about him if had sex with another female
just after he walked out on you?   Then he went back to you for reconcilliation. 
 
    If you are a bottom or sub, you can use this whole situation to your advantage.  Feel
remorse for having sex with the stranger, and offer to make it up to your boyfriend. Tell him
you will do anything he wants for a period of time, if he forgives you.  If you are a bottom
accept 10 punishment spankings or floggings for what you did.  You say he is too vanillia. 
Here is your chance to get him to be more dominant, and more sadistic.  Tell him to use
you as a sex toy.  Give him massages and more attention.  Butter his bread, and show
him more affection.  Become more subservient, and submissive to him.  If I was a sub
and bottom in your position, this is what I would do, and secretly enjoy it.  If this doesn't
work for you, it doesn't work for you.  If he responds positively to your new behavior, you
have a win-win situation.  If fights continue, then you need to leave.
 
    If the fighting does't stop, hire a lawyer and let the lawyer make the accusations.  It is
not healthy to live a relationship where there is constant fighting.  It is not healthy for you,
for him, and most importantly it is not healthy for your son.
 
     It is better for a child to grow up with a single parent than in a household where
there is constant fighting. 
 
Warm regards,
Michael



mnottertail -> RE: help please (8/4/2006 12:09:29 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Arpig

You fucked some guy 2 days after being dumped, and the guy who dumped you calls it cheating and proof you never loved him????
I call that proof he isn't worth the kleenex you wipe your nose with. He dumped you, you were free to fuck whoever you want to.



exactly-- the guy tells you to get fucked, you obey and he is pissed?

Ok, try this; he says:  gobble my cock like a christmas turkey.
We want you to say:  no fuckin' way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (and laugh)

Tell us what he says then, please.

We will try to figure this guy out for you.

LOL,
Ron 



devioussubkitty -> RE: help please (8/4/2006 12:26:10 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

The situation beforehand was a bit more complicated than that, clearly shown on your other threads here:

http://www.collarchat.com/m_310707/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#310707
MY BF is way too vanilla in bed

http://www.collarchat.com/m_310772/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#310772
Trying to find a mentor for my bf

http://www.collarchat.com/m_312889/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#312889
Relocating and moving



Did anyone happen to notice the dates on these posts...? March 30, 2006 at 10:20 pm, he is her boyfriend and "way too vanilla in bed" and seems to hate kink, then an hour later he is scared and holding back and needs a mentor to become a Dominant, then on April 1, 2006, just two days later, he is now her "dom (bf)"...
 
Sorry, but something seems a little fishy here. Not to mention the whole: "I want my bf to be my dom and become more wild but its not going how I planned." Seems like she's either trying to top from the bottom, or trying to be a Dominant herself. Or I could just chalk it all up to general fishiness.



Sunshine119 -> RE: help please (8/4/2006 12:43:09 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: devioussubkitty

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

The situation beforehand was a bit more complicated than that, clearly shown on your other threads here:

http://www.collarchat.com/m_310707/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#310707
MY BF is way too vanilla in bed

http://www.collarchat.com/m_310772/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#310772
Trying to find a mentor for my bf

http://www.collarchat.com/m_312889/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#312889
Relocating and moving



Did anyone happen to notice the dates on these posts...? March 30, 2006 at 10:20 pm, he is her boyfriend and "way too vanilla in bed" and seems to hate kink, then an hour later he is scared and holding back and needs a mentor to become a Dominant, then on April 1, 2006, just two days later, he is now her "dom (bf)"...
 
Sorry, but something seems a little fishy here. Not to mention the whole: "I want my bf to be my dom and become more wild but its not going how I planned." Seems like she's either trying to top from the bottom, or trying to be a Dominant herself. Or I could just chalk it all up to general fishiness.


Just a bit too much drama for me!  This is either phoney or f**ed up.  The only person I feel sorry for in all of this is the baby (if there IS one).



littleone35 -> RE: help please (8/4/2006 4:57:16 PM)

I know who this person and i know her (ex) bf.  I know  She is haveing lots of problems with this thing people should not be jumping all over her she asked for help and some people are insuating she is lying trust me she is not.   Thank you for all who tried to help. Sunshine there is a baby i met him. 

Matt's littleone



bignipples2share -> RE: help please (8/4/2006 9:40:45 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Arpig

You fucked some guy 2 days after being dumped, and the guy who dumped you calls it cheating and proof you never loved him????
I call that proof he isn't worth the kleenex you wipe your nose with. He dumped you, you were free to fuck whoever you want to.



< Standing up and applauding>

To the OP
He should be begging your forgiveness for putting you through all of this, not the other way around.
As for the family part. I just have to ask, are you always telling them things he does to displease you? No matter who you are talking with, your partner can become very ugly in their eyes, if all you do is complain about them. Maybe they just can't see the good in him if that's all you point out are their faults of the day. Hmmm? Yes, some people need sounding boards, but you have to also state at least 5 things that are good about the person for every complaint you have. Can you do that? Has you family ever heard it?

~Big



MasterKalif -> RE: help please (8/4/2006 11:01:48 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: bignipples2share

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterKalif

quote:

ORIGINAL: Evanesce

quote:

In terms of your story, I think what you did was cheating and plain wrong, I would not be so forgiving in your BF's place. I mean if you really loved him, out of spite, how could you have sex with another guy? That to me, shows a lack of love.


Bullshit.  Sex is not love, and love is not sex.  They broke up, she did another guy two days later, the ex comes back and says he wants to work it out but gets ticked off because she sought comfort in a physical form with someone else.  It wasn't cheating, and he needs to get over it.
 
However, this couple has a much bigger problem than whether or not she "cheated."  If the family is interfering so much with the relationship, it's for one of two reasons:  A) the family is a bunch of meddlesome control freaks, or B) this couple has demonstrated a distinct lack of maturity, and the "meddling" is an attempt at damage control so the child might have some semblance of normalcy in his life.  I'm betting on B.


ok well that might be bullshit to you, but to me and Im sure for some other out there it is not...while love does not equal sex, they are intertwined sometimes, and this seems to be the case. I dont know if you read my whole post, but I stated that if it had been a "no-strings attached" type of setting, then there are no worries. I wonder if you would state the same thing if it had been the guy cheating.

In any case, I mentioned that in passing, my point was that the main focus needs to be the baby.

Okay, but how long after he says it's over is she supposed to wait? 2 days, 2 weeks, 2 months, 2 years?
He walked out on her, he left, he nixed the relationship, he said it's over. She just took him at his word. He let it be known that he didn't want to be there anymore, therefore, she did not cheat. Doesn't matter if the exact senerio were reversed. The only time it would put a different slant on it was if the person doing the walking out the door went off to bed with someone else, then tried to get back with the person they walked out on. Then I'd be questioning their reasons for walking and it just being the fact they wanted to sleep with someone else, so they could say it's not cheating, however, she didn't walk, he did..that's not cheating. He has no right to expect her to wait for him when he's said it's over.
From what is said, she wasn't rubbing his face in it either, as someone else stated. She was informing him what has transpired since he decided to walk out the door, nothing more. I see it as better now than at a later date, since he wants to reconcile.
____________________________________
To the OP, is this a recurrent theme?
Does he walk out only to return a few days later?
Then I might have a problem with you're seeking 'whatever' in someone elses arms. If this is the case, then you don't know how to argue, which is not by walking out on each other only to return a few days later after 'cooling off'.

For me, if you're walking out that door and saying it's over, you better make damn sure that's what you want to do, because the minute you do, I'm single and I will not sit around and wait for you to return, no matter what I choose to do, bed someone or not. The other person has given up that right to decide, or pass judgement on what it is I am doing, or with who. The chances of that door opening back up is highly unlikely, it's not a revolvling door and I've no desire to repeat the same thing next month, or next year, when he's decided to walk out again.
The only concern is that the unmentionables needs are being met.

~Big


bignipples2share, I hate to re-bring this point up, could be my Taurus stubborness, I dont know. But I still see something wrong with this picture. From a strictly cold scientific point of view it makes sense. However, there is a commitment when you are in love, which has to do with loyalty. You can arugue that loyalty is broken once he "broke it off" with her, but if you are really in love you dont wait two days and screw around....simply because emotionally you are still attached to that person (if you are in love truly). Hence to me, that is cheating....

anyways, dont want to get out of focus, the focus here is that baby, everything needs to be for the baby.



bignipples2share -> RE: help please (8/4/2006 11:41:53 PM)

[/quote]
Okay, but how long after he says it's over is she supposed to wait? 2 days, 2 weeks, 2 months, 2 years?
He walked out on her, he left, he nixed the relationship, he said it's over. She just took him at his word. He let it be known that he didn't want to be there anymore, therefore, she did not cheat. Doesn't matter if the exact senerio were reversed. The only time it would put a different slant on it was if the person doing the walking out the door went off to bed with someone else, then tried to get back with the person they walked out on. Then I'd be questioning their reasons for walking and it just being the fact they wanted to sleep with someone else, so they could say it's not cheating, however, she didn't walk, he did..that's not cheating. He has no right to expect her to wait for him when he's said it's over.
From what is said, she wasn't rubbing his face in it either, as someone else stated. She was informing him what has transpired since he decided to walk out the door, nothing more. I see it as better now than at a later date, since he wants to reconcile.
____________________________________
To the OP, is this a recurrent theme?
Does he walk out only to return a few days later?
Then I might have a problem with you're seeking 'whatever' in someone elses arms. If this is the case, then you don't know how to argue, which is not by walking out on each other only to return a few days later after 'cooling off'.

For me, if you're walking out that door and saying it's over, you better make damn sure that's what you want to do, because the minute you do, I'm single and I will not sit around and wait for you to return, no matter what I choose to do, bed someone or not. The other person has given up that right to decide, or pass judgement on what it is I am doing, or with who. The chances of that door opening back up is highly unlikely, it's not a revolvling door and I've no desire to repeat the same thing next month, or next year, when he's decided to walk out again.
The only concern is that the unmentionables needs are being met.

~Big
[/quote]

bignipples2share, I hate to re-bring this point up, could be my Taurus stubborness, I dont know. But I still see something wrong with this picture. From a strictly cold scientific point of view it makes sense. However, there is a commitment when you are in love, which has to do with loyalty. You can arugue that loyalty is broken once he "broke it off" with her, but if you are really in love you dont wait two days and screw around....simply because emotionally you are still attached to that person (if you are in love truly). Hence to me, that is cheating....

anyways, dont want to get out of focus, the focus here is that baby, everything needs to be for the baby.
[/quote]
Okay, tell me, how long is she supposed to wait then? What is deemed 'appropriate' before she can do as she pleases when the person has walked out on her.
For all she knew, he was NEVER returning. Okay, say he didn't want to come back, that he's still not back and doesn't plan on ever coming back. She comes in and says, well, it's been a year and I still really love my Ex, but I ended up in bed with this guy and I feel guilty because I still love the Ex. Are all the comments going to be about oh no, you should wait to see if he comes back and omg the poor unmentionable, did you think of him? No, it would be about, what the hell took you so long.
Yes, the unmentionable is of major importance, but just because she went to the store, a friends house or to someone elses bed is not necessarily hurting the baby.



SirJoe1211 -> RE: help please (8/5/2006 6:39:38 AM)

If he dumped you because your family was interfering in your relationship then we can only assume that is was more than just a simple concern.  It was more in line with the parents on "Everybody loves Raymond"

You are not responsible for you family's actions in so much as they are thinking beings.  However, they get their sense of need for involvement in your life from you - to which you can and should be responsible for.  If your demeanor is such that your family feels you are seeking them to intervien, then they will be overtly involved in your relationship. 

Being close with your family doesn't give them any right to interfere in your relationship.  If they have then it is because they feel you have invited such - or more aptly you have not defined the boundries of where their connection to you has become intrusive.  No woman respects a man who constantly refers to mommy for decisions, and No man will be satisfied with a woman who's daddy is overshadowing the relationship. 

You do with this as you see fit, but if you love him as you say you do - draw a line the family must not cross - it is not an easy thing to do, but it will be necessary for your own growth as an adult and for the salvation of this or any other relationship you have in the future.

Sir Joe



kyraofMists -> RE: help please (8/5/2006 9:09:38 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SirJoe1211

If he dumped you because your family was interfering in your relationship then we can only assume that is was more than just a simple concern.  It was more in line with the parents on "Everybody loves Raymond"

You are not responsible for you family's actions in so much as they are thinking beings.  However, they get their sense of need for involvement in your life from you - to which you can and should be responsible for.  If your demeanor is such that your family feels you are seeking them to intervien, then they will be overtly involved in your relationship. 

Being close with your family doesn't give them any right to interfere in your relationship.  If they have then it is because they feel you have invited such - or more aptly you have not defined the boundries of where their connection to you has become intrusive.  No woman respects a man who constantly refers to mommy for decisions, and No man will be satisfied with a woman who's daddy is overshadowing the relationship. 

You do with this as you see fit, but if you love him as you say you do - draw a line the family must not cross - it is not an easy thing to do, but it will be necessary for your own growth as an adult and for the salvation of this or any other relationship you have in the future.

Sir Joe


I have to agree with this.  I have been in this situation and it was not fun.  The relationship is no longer defined by the two in it, but is defined by all those that she allows to interfere.  As long as she does not define her boundaries and allows them to keep interfering, then he will be unhappy.  I can't blame him one bit for wanting out of it.

Knight's kyra



KnightofMists -> RE: help please (8/5/2006 9:22:35 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: bignipples2share
Okay, tell me, how long is she supposed to wait then? What is deemed 'appropriate' before she can do as she pleases when the person has walked out on her.


When the motivation is not out of spite! or hurt from the past relationship.  When she can make the choice to engage in an interactions with another with motivations that are mature and responsible for herself and those under her care.

editted to add.... no I don't think she cheated... but I think she is irresponsible and he would be better without her.  As far as him... I can't judge him for he as not provided anything for me to consider.... I am sure not going to judge his actions based on the perceptions of a childish immature person that spins alot of drama in her life.



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