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Hot and Cold - 8/4/2006 9:01:45 PM

MmakeMme

Posts: 682
Joined: 7/29/2006
From: NC
Status: offline

My Dom is a lovely man and it is my pleasure to serve him but he runs hot and cold. One day he says something moving (I have never felt anything sweeter than your lips) and the next day he says something hurtful (I don't need the extra responsibility, meaning the responsibility of me). It is as if he draws me as close as possible and then pushes me away as hard as he can.

I try to give him his space. I don't demand anything of him. I try to be patient and considerate and kind. When I grow weary I tell him that it is too much for me and that I should move on. He comes back full-force with love and affection.

I am grateful for all he has done for me but my heart is growing more fragile and it is becoming difficult to enjoy our time together. There are days I dread to check e-mail, knowing he is breaking a scheduled and planned date. And then, just when I am convinced he is done, he comes back with amazing words of love that leave me breathless and moved to tears.

I have respectfully expressed how it makes me feel, without placing blame or giving shame or using guilt. I love him with all of who I am but I feel like I am wasting my time and energy on someone who is in the "I don't want you but don't want anyone else to have you" or "I only want you when you don't want me" mode. Your insight is greatly appreciated.

_____________________________

Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions. ~~ Dalai Lama

Post #: 1

RE: Hot and Cold - 8/4/2006 9:23:17 PM

popeye1250

Posts: 18104
Joined: 1/27/2006
From: New Hampshire
Status: offline

Your question is what, exactly?

(in reply to MmakeMme)

Post #: 2

RE: Hot and Cold - 8/4/2006 9:30:50 PM

Devilslilsister

Posts: 1262
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline

yer not happy

that sucks

_____________________________

My ability to cope with BS is at an all time low - me

i may look like i'm doing nothing, but i'm very busy at a cellular level

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Post #: 3

RE: Hot and Cold - 8/4/2006 11:08:43 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

So go tell him "I'm very confused right now. I feel that your emotions are unpredictable and that you are not sending me clear signs of what exactly you want in this relationship and what your feelings are."

And then begin a good discussion of what he ACTUALLY does feel. He may be confused himself and not sure.

What's his pattern in past relationships? How long have you been together? How often do you see eachother? Are there significant other life stresses going on at the moment?

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to MmakeMme)

Post #: 4

RE: Hot and Cold - 8/4/2006 11:38:39 PM

Homestead

Posts: 1005
Status: offline

This is one reason I avoid relationships right now. Things are just too unstable with getting the business going properly. And the business is the time and attention focus for the next two years, at least. And I don't wish to be an ongoing dissapointment to someone who deserves better-I need to be able to keep promises.

Perhaps you should ask him if his real life obligations are just making impractical to be consistent with you?

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 5

RE: Hot and Cold - 8/5/2006 12:30:04 AM

Estring

Posts: 3314
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

You are married and it sounds like he is too. With different people it would seem. Maybe try "loving with all I am", someone who is not already involved with someone else.

_____________________________

Boycott Whales!

(in reply to MmakeMme)

Post #: 6

RE: Hot and Cold - 8/5/2006 2:29:59 AM

Wolfie648

Posts: 600
Joined: 9/14/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MmakeMme

My Dom is a lovely man and it is my pleasure to serve him but he runs hot and cold. One day he says something moving (I have never felt anything sweeter than your lips) and the next day he says something hurtful (I don't need the extra responsibility, meaning the responsibility of me). It is as if he draws me as close as possible and then pushes me away as hard as he can.

I try to give him his space. I don't demand anything of him. I try to be patient and considerate and kind. When I grow weary I tell him that it is too much for me and that I should move on. He comes back full-force with love and affection.

I am grateful for all he has done for me but my heart is growing more fragile and it is becoming difficult to enjoy our time together. There are days I dread to check e-mail, knowing he is breaking a scheduled and planned date. And then, just when I am convinced he is done, he comes back with amazing words of love that leave me breathless and moved to tears.

I have respectfully expressed how it makes me feel, without placing blame or giving shame or using guilt. I love him with all of who I am but I feel like I am wasting my time and energy on someone who is in the "I don't want you but don't want anyone else to have you" or "I only want you when you don't want me" mode. Your insight is greatly appreciated.

hmmm. some thoughts:

He is doing this on purpose (and if so in a skillful manner).

The fact of the matter is, is that he has you up and down - is this in his control or random? Even if you think it is random is he randomizing it to keep you on your toes? That's the beauty. He won't tell you. You get to guess. Ohhh who's on their toes. mmmm you. And when you think you have it, I'll bet he'll change it.

I'd tell you more but this: "I don't want you but don't want anyone else to have you" or "I only want you when you don't want me" is something you should seriously consider from _both sides_ of the equation (and I mean his thought processes/projections and your thought processes/projections not 'what does he mean by that - get in his shoes and think 'what would he want' 'why is he doing this' 'what does he hope to gain from this' 'what would motivate him to do this' etc. Gems are hard to find - 2 gems? Even harder.

I think he wants you to succeed. All you need to do is navigate the maze. Of course I might be wrong.

D (owner of j)

< Message edited by Wolfie648 -- 8/5/2006 2:32:26 AM >

_____________________________

Possibly.

(in reply to MmakeMme)

Post #: 7

RE: Hot and Cold - 8/5/2006 4:05:01 AM

MmakeMme

Posts: 682
Joined: 7/29/2006
From: NC
Status: offline

~ smiling ~ Thank you.

_____________________________

Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions. ~~ Dalai Lama

(in reply to Wolfie648)

Post #: 8

RE: Hot and Cold - 8/5/2006 6:18:05 AM

windchymes

Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline

Sounds like yet another case of Married Guy Playing On The Internet.

The marriage is lacking, so he creates his manly dom persona and ropes in a sub. Then, pressure hits from the home front, or he feels guilty, and he pushes you away. To cover, he calls it part of your "training" and you believe that and, like the good little submissive, you put up with it. Then, he gets shot down from the home front, for whatever reason, so he runs to you and showers you with love and attention, and you reward him with the same. That makes HIM feel "like a man". And the cycle starts again.

Your heart, your submission, your choice.

_____________________________

You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

(in reply to MmakeMme)

Post #: 9

RE: Hot and Cold - 8/5/2006 6:33:22 AM

SaphireLynn

Posts: 145
Joined: 2/15/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: windchymes

Sounds like yet another case of Married Guy Playing On The Internet.

The marriage is lacking, so he creates his manly dom persona and ropes in a sub. Then, pressure hits from the home front, or he feels guilty, and he pushes you away. To cover, he calls it part of your "training" and you believe that and, like the good little submissive, you put up with it. Then, he gets shot down from the home front, for whatever reason, so he runs to you and showers you with love and attention, and you reward him with the same. That makes HIM feel "like a man". And the cycle starts again.

Your heart, your submission, your choice.

I totally agree with you windchymes..... and now tell U/us why you keep allowing this to happen?

_____________________________

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
But he that dares not grasp the thorn
Should never crave the rose.
~~~Anne Bronte~~~
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

(in reply to windchymes)

Post #: 10

RE: Hot and Cold - 8/5/2006 7:07:52 AM

PlayfulOne

Posts: 1047
Status: offline

Did you read her profile? She allows it to happen for the same reason, she is married playing on the internet. They are feeding each other. Should she not like the destination she can simply get off the bus. but alas she continues to play because she too needs the attention . Hence the reason for coming here to whine.

K

< Message edited by PlayfulOne -- 8/5/2006 7:08:24 AM >

(in reply to SaphireLynn)

Post #: 11

RE: Hot and Cold - 8/5/2006 7:17:59 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

Hot = both computers are on
Cold = one or both computers are off

I just do not understand the whole online thing at all.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to PlayfulOne)

Post #: 12

RE: Hot and Cold - 8/5/2006 7:20:07 AM

Lashra

Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline

Sounds like he is confused as to what He wants. I would discuss it openly with him and tell him if he can't handle the relationship right now perhaps you two need a break for awhile so you both can better decide what it is you truly want. There's nothing wrong in taking a break from each other to clear the mind.

Good Luck,
~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 13

RE: Hot and Cold - 8/5/2006 8:04:57 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14442
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MmakeMme

My Dom is a lovely man and it is my pleasure to serve him but he runs hot and cold. One day he says something moving (I have never felt anything sweeter than your lips) and the next day he says something hurtful (I don't need the extra responsibility, meaning the responsibility of me). It is as if he draws me as close as possible and then pushes me away as hard as he can.

I try to give him his space. I don't demand anything of him. I try to be patient and considerate and kind. When I grow weary I tell him that it is too much for me and that I should move on. He comes back full-force with love and affection.

I am grateful for all he has done for me but my heart is growing more fragile and it is becoming difficult to enjoy our time together. There are days I dread to check e-mail, knowing he is breaking a scheduled and planned date. And then, just when I am convinced he is done, he comes back with amazing words of love that leave me breathless and moved to tears.

I have respectfully expressed how it makes me feel, without placing blame or giving shame or using guilt. I love him with all of who I am but I feel like I am wasting my time and energy on someone who is in the "I don't want you but don't want anyone else to have you" or "I only want you when you don't want me" mode. Your insight is greatly appreciated.

I went through this for almost 6 years, until I finally decided that I'd had enough. The only reason it had been survivable for that long was that he was gone 2 weeks per month on business. He's a wonderful person. Intelligent, funny, charismatic, etc. We're still friends.

It comes down to committment issues. You can't fix it. The only person that can address it is him. He may never do anything about it. Or he may wake up and decide to face it.

In our case, my leaving him was the shock that made him look at what he wanted from life. I would not recommend an ultimatum unless you're ready to live with the negative answer.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to MmakeMme)

Post #: 14

RE: Hot and Cold - 8/5/2006 9:01:59 AM

MmakeMme

Posts: 682
Joined: 7/29/2006
From: NC
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: PlayfulOne

Did you read her profile? She allows it to happen for the same reason, she is married playing on the internet. They are feeding each other. Should she not like the destination she can simply get off the bus. but alas she continues to play because she too needs the attention . Hence the reason for coming here to whine.

K

I am married, yes, as is he, but this is not an online romance. It is a real time relationship. Perhaps I didn't make that clear.

As for getting off the bus, yes, I could, but when the heart is involved it becomes a less black-and-white issue.

It was not my intention to whine but rather to ask for insight from those with a less involved perspective - it is easier to see a more expansive picture when one is farther away from the art. My apologies for offending you.

_____________________________

Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions. ~~ Dalai Lama

(in reply to PlayfulOne)

Post #: 15

RE: Hot and Cold - 8/5/2006 9:56:48 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MmakeMme
As for getting off the bus, yes, I could, but when the heart is involved it becomes a less black-and-white issue.

No it doesn't. You just allow yourself to use it as an excuse. Love/heart didn't keep you faithful to your husband, and it certainly isn't going to make your affair fulfilling either.

BTDT.

If you're going to get into all the ethical mess and future personal devastation of BEING in an affair, for heavens sakes don't settle for an idiot who won't actually do what affairs are supposed to do. Unless you are telling yourself this is what you deserve.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to MmakeMme)

Post #: 16

RE: Hot and Cold - 8/5/2006 11:35:34 AM

MmakeMme

Posts: 682
Joined: 7/29/2006
From: NC
Status: offline

LA, you are correct. I think that is what I'm telling myself, ~ hoping ~ he will return to behaving the in the same caring manner as when we met. I guess hope is not the best raft.

_____________________________

Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions. ~~ Dalai Lama

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 17

RE: Hot and Cold - 8/5/2006 11:51:57 AM

windchymes

Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline

The truth of the matter is that the wife and kids will always be his (or most married men's) primary committment. He has a long history with her, he married her, she is the mother of his children, they probably own a home that he's invested a lot of time and money into. On the off-chance that he even owns his own business, he stands to lose a LOT if she finds out he's cheating on her, and most of the courts favor the woman in divorces, no matter what the laws of the state are. Most men are just not willing (and I can't say I blame them) to give up everything they've worked for all their lives for an internet fling, which, in all honesty, is all you are to him. All you are going to get are bones thrown at you which satisfy a temporary and occasional need that HE has....he is honestly not concerned with anything YOU are lacking, trust me. He has a full life and he comes to you when it needs a little tweak. He enjoys feeling all romantic and he enjoys the power that gives him, to turn you into a squishy, soft, little love cake. But once he gets his fix, he's back to his real life, and you will be left wondering when you're going to get your next layer of frosting.

I know you are hurting, but realizing and accepting what IS, not what you hope something is, can help patch the heart up so you start thinking with the head.

That'a s great thought by LA, though....if you're going to HAVE an affair, at least have a GOOD one!

< Message edited by windchymes -- 8/5/2006 11:52:26 AM >

_____________________________

You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

(in reply to MmakeMme)

Post #: 18

RE: Hot and Cold - 8/5/2006 12:21:39 PM

PlayfulOne

Posts: 1047
Status: offline

No need for apologies, but what actually do you expect from us? Sympathy that the person you are having an affair with is not fullfilling you? Advice on how to fix an affair? It actually is that simple, just get off the bus or let yourself be used.

K

(in reply to MmakeMme)

Post #: 19

RE: Hot and Cold - 8/5/2006 1:34:24 PM

MmakeMme

Posts: 682
Joined: 7/29/2006
From: NC
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: PlayfulOne

No need for apologies, but what actually do you expect from us? Sympathy that the person you are having an affair with is not fullfilling you? Advice on how to fix an affair? It actually is that simple, just get off the bus or let yourself be used.

K

No, I did not expect sympathy or advice on how to fix the affair. I wanted people on the outside of this relationship to tell me what was going on. I am in therapy for codependency and often cannot see the forest for the trees when it comes to relationships and matters of the heart.

For me, it is love, pure and free. For him, it is a way to get what he wants with no fuss and no responsibility. It breaks my heart and it makes me angry. I appreciate everyone's input - now I see it for what it is.

_____________________________

Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions. ~~ Dalai Lama

(in reply to PlayfulOne)

Post #: 20

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