losing your self

losing your self (Full Version)

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cheshireboy -> losing your self (8/9/2006 7:28:15 PM)
there comes a time when i think as a submissive you end up where all you want to do is to please your owner...and that is what makes you happy...so you have the chance to loose yourself in that and become totally reactive...then how do you keep your self image and have other things that keep you happy besides serving? cheshire

mstrjx -> RE: losing your self (8/9/2006 7:56:56 PM)
I don't know how much credibility I can give you in responding to this. All I can ask is that you understand how credible and earnest I know I am in my response. If I were a slave, I don't know what else I would require outside of the service. Granted I might want acknowledgement or some indication that my service is pleasing, so I can continue in the same direction. Other than that, I honestly don't know that there would need to be anything else. For me. Jeff

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: losing your self (8/9/2006 8:06:41 PM)
If you are being true to yourself and make a choice in commitments, then you will be becoming MORE of who you are. The problem is for people who pressure themselves into making a choice that isn't right for them.

BillsGalSusan -> RE: losing your self (8/9/2006 8:18:37 PM)
That has not been my experience. And while I am not saying that it never happens, when being submissive and serving your dominant partner includes being out in the world and dealing with other people and various situations that arise during a normal day, many issues not even vaguely related to your relationship will be part of your life. More than that, the ability to converse intelligently about diverse issues and having an actual life to share are important to even the most dominant person if you are living together 24/7. The fantasy (and perhaps the fear) may be that you will lose yourself as your submissiveness grows, but (and again this is only my experience, for whatever that is worth) the reality is that you will have other roles in your life. You may be an employee, a boss, a parent, the adult child of parents who need assistance, a sibling, a neighbour. You will continue to be a citizen of the world. You will make friends, many of whom will most likely be your dominant's friends, too, but you will undoubtedly make your own friends as well--if only other submissives you encounter. That being said, your relationship to your dominant will always be with you. When something happens at the grocery store or at work, your first thought may be how you will share that small event in your daily life with him/her. When you see something on TV, you will want to share that, too. You may feel a deep sense of contentment from your "service" as you make a wonderful meal, but you are no less submissive when the taste of it in your mouth pleases you as well.. Another Susan

crybaby -> RE: losing your self (8/9/2006 8:49:54 PM)
You know, I am a live-in, so I should be serving all the time and not even have this concern, of other things making me happy, and maintaining a self-image. But, the reality is, that like my Owners, I have a life outside of serving. While I do believe it to be one of the most fulfilling aspects of my life, it is not the only. Often, I feel as though I am sitting around, waiting to be used, waiting to see how I could be of service, predicting needs and tending to orders, and that when there is nothing, I am nothing. I felt as though that was not really good for myself, and have decided that I need to still be other apsects of me, because I am not only a slave, and I do not believe that this makes me any less of a slave. If your Owners have 100% use of you all of the time, maybe I would feel differently, otherwise, I firmly believe - have other things going on.

Owned1 -> RE: losing your self (8/9/2006 10:31:46 PM)
My devotion to Him is my life, however that is one aspect of my life. I am many things and each of those things added together make me who I am. With everything I do I become a better stronger slave for Him. I know I am his at all times, I know what He expects of me at all times. I live to those standards. Owned

Submotive -> RE: losing your self (8/9/2006 10:59:59 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: cheshireboy there comes a time when i think as a submissive you end up where all you want to do is to please your owner...and that is what makes you happy...so you have the chance to loose yourself in that and become totally reactive...then how do you keep your self image and have other things that keep you happy besides serving? cheshire There are many ways to serve and please. Being ALL of who i am is what serves and pleases my Master most. This means He wishes me to develop my talents and skills, communicate with others, have individual interests as well as share in His interests. In no way am i losing myself. If anything i am finding me more completely. Oftentimes i find that the human mind wants to label and categorize and regulate and identify and separate - but the reality is that everything blends together and gets messy. Aspects of the self don't have starting and ending points - so everything we do and experience contributes to the totality of who we are. These become how we serve and please, not by losing ourselves, but by being all we can, imho. [sm=flowers.gif]

ToServeIsToLive -> RE: losing your self (8/9/2006 11:55:28 PM)
Not many people looking for real long lasting relationships want a shell of a person as their partner. So if you really have no self and only your partners desires you'll probably have a hard time finding someone, or you'll need to make your shell look fancy so people will think there's something inside. I appolgize in advance if my short rambling makes no sense.

sharainks -> RE: losing your self (8/10/2006 3:30:56 AM)
I can understand the concept of losing oneself in another to the point that in your thoughts you continually attempt to put the other first and to find things that will be pleasing to them. For me that happens most readily with someone who themselves is very open and giving . I keep sticking on that writing about the gift the giver and the glue. Its a joy to give to someone who also gives openly of themselves. Someone who is secure enough in themselves to allow you to see the sides of them that are more tender and easily hurt. Trusting you with their feelings allows you to open your mind and heart fully to them. Giving from the depths of your heart and getting in return is the cement of a solid relationship inside or out of the lifestyle. That depth is not something that can be forced, coerced, demanded, or punished into place. It can only be given from the soul.

Littlepita -> RE: losing your self (8/10/2006 4:35:44 AM)
My Sir expects me to have a life. Since being with him I have taken steps to become fit and healthy. I have gotten my GED and will begin college courses next month. We are already planning the business we will open when I am out of school. My Sir's feelings are that he wants me to be a self-sufficient woman capable of handing my life. Then my submission to him will mean so much more because it's where I want to be and not where I feel I need to be. But, I do live to make him happy and serve him. So far I he says I am doing that. [:)]

twicehappy -> RE: losing your self (8/10/2006 5:44:43 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Submotive There are many ways to serve and please. Being ALL of who i am is what serves and pleases my Master most. This means He wishes me to develop my talents and skills, communicate with others, have individual interests as well as share in His interests. In no way am i losing myself. If anything i am finding me more completely. Oftentimes i find that the human mind wants to label and categorize and regulate and identify and separate - but the reality is that everything blends together and gets messy. Aspects of the self don't have starting and ending points - so everything we do and experience contributes to the totality of who we are. These become how we serve and please, not by losing ourselves, but by being all we can, imho. I started to answer then i read your wonderfull post, this says it all. A good owner encourages you to learn and grow not stagnate. They value the totality of what they own, and relish their experiences as it contributes to the whole.

KatyLied -> RE: losing your self (8/10/2006 5:54:17 AM)
Many good answers. For me it's just the opposite of losing myself. I find myself getting stronger and standing taller. When there are difficult things that I am expected to submit to, I find myself almost prideful that I got through it and did it. It's difficult to get lost when you have someone looking out for you.

fyreredsub -> RE: losing your self (8/10/2006 6:44:01 AM)
being slave is true to self..that is happiness. it is sort of a circle and cyle if you will... finding an owner who is attracted to my spirit and then builds upon the good and corrects the bad is building and helping more than what i can do by learning on my own. the praise in knowing i have been pleasing is even more of a motivator to contiue on in the path.. so in the long run i am not losing self... it was the essence of this girl that attracted the owner in the first place... (why would an owner want to change that which was the starting point to begin with...) the self is just becoming an extension of the One i change i grow i evolve itno that which is more pleasing in His ways but i am still me hope this makes sense before enough coffee

michaelGA2 -> RE: losing your self (8/10/2006 6:46:31 AM)
i lost myself once...took me months to find me...could remember where i had placed myself...LOL

Elegant -> RE: losing your self (8/10/2006 6:59:13 AM)
Co-dependancy within a slave is dangerous. I work hard not to base my total happiness on whether Master Archer is happy. It takes a strong Dominant/Master to see the difference between a slave using their own happiness in service to make Master happy vs being happy because Master is happy. It also takes a stong Master to stop the slave from acting in those co-dependant ways just because he may want service.

cheshireboy -> RE: losing your self (8/10/2006 7:13:06 AM)
thank you all for the replies, bits and pieces here and there are very helpful. cheshire.

BillsGalSusan -> RE: losing your self (8/10/2006 7:55:06 AM)
I just read your profile again, Cheshireboy, and I found myself wondering what your life will be like in the future. I hope you get everything you are dreaming about now, and I hope you have these things as long as you still want them. You say you are a boy, a simple boy. And while at 28 that might be true, how long will that be the best you can offer, and how long will that be sufficient in a real relationship? The first time you make your Mistresses bed, it will be thrilling. But will it be equally wonderful the 3000th time you have done that? That is less than 10 years from now. When you are not quite so pretty, will you still have something your Mistress prizes if nothing has changed, and you have no more skills than you bring into the relationship today? The ability to serve is a wonderful thing, and I wish you joy in your service. I do wonder how it will play out if your Mistress requires you not only to be a table and play with her, but also to contribute financially to her household. Pretty boys who dream of staying in their Mistress's home, ready to attend to her every wish, are common enough. 40 year old slaves may need to have something else going for them, other than a desire to live out their fantasies. Fortunately (from my POV) it is in those things we might label "something else" that the key to not losing yourself lies. Another Susan

Mercnbeth -> RE: losing your self (8/10/2006 9:27:55 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: cheshireboy there comes a time when i think as a submissive you end up where all you want to do is to please your owner...and that is what makes you happy...so you have the chance to loose yourself in that and become totally reactive...then how do you keep your self image and have other things that keep you happy besides serving? if this slave wanted to retain some sort of independent "self" identity which included actively pursuing other things than serving in order to keep happy she would have drawn the line at sub, set up limits for the Dom to adhere to...or else...and consequently would have never been accepted as Master's slave. losing the "self" is a part of the third-person speech restriction this slave adheres to...as a posession of Master, He gives her ample opportunities to serve in a variety of ways. that, in and of itself, is a blessing, a gift and more than enough for this slave to be happy.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: losing your self (8/10/2006 9:48:20 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth losing the "self" is a part of the third-person speech restriction this slave adheres to I would not call that losing the self- simply a redefinition and changing perspective of the self. Merc has often discussed how strong and aware you have become since being with him- while this does not mean you are an "independent self" it does indeed mean that you are a "self" unto yourself and that in order to provide all the service to him that you do, you must have a sense of self.

Mercnbeth -> RE: losing your self (8/10/2006 10:31:23 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross I would not call that losing the self- simply a redefinition and changing perspective of the self. this slave sees your point, and appreciates your opinion however, it has not been her experience. when the redefinition and change of perspective of the previously individual "self" is reinforced and fully realized by the individual to the extent of the individual having experienced the loss, and existing solely as a part of the collective identity, this slave would call that "losing the self". it is something which this slave has been able to achieve both mentally and spiritually. (this slave had 3 physical experiences with this as well, but that is another thread, not destined for this website!!!) this slave genuinely feels it, it is real to her, and a positive thing--responsible for much of the growth and awareness this slave has had the good fortune and blessing to be a part of, so although you define it differently, it doesn't necessarily negate this slave's assessment of her experiences. quote: Merc has often discussed how strong and aware you have become since being with him- while this does not mean you are an "independent self" it does indeed mean that you are a "self" unto yourself and that in order to provide all the service to him that you do, you must have a sense of self. but the "sense of self" this slave now has is as one of Master's possessions, inextricably tied to His presence, physical, mental or both. this slave can guarantee that her current lack of "sense of self" wouldn't exist outside of service to Master. if released, this slave would have to adapt her perceptions, and this slave is sure that would be a long and arduous task. gratefully to Master, this slave's strength and growth has come as a result of the acceptance of this life as HIS slave, the focus being on Him and His possessions, this slave being but one. before this slave became His, it was her overwhelming sense of self as a servant and recognition of her ability and drive to serve that resulted in serving multiple "Masters" and not even stopping and requesting she be attended to when bones in her feet started breaking.

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