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inferiority complex? - 8/12/2006 2:30:05 AM

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albatross said something to the effect of how squeamish bdsm folks are when it comes to real (normal ? common ? anachronic ? whatever) sex, and that's something i noticed myself. i always explained it as a manifest inferiority complex.

so, do you think bdsm has an inferiority complex with respect to vanilla ? only sex or other things too ? or not at all ? do you agree some squeamishness exists, but it's explained otherwise ? do you not agree it exists at all ?

and any comments about my cock you wish to share.

RE: inferiority complex? - 8/12/2006 2:41:10 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: zenofeller
so, do you think bdsm has an inferiority complex with respect to vanilla ? only sex or other things too ? or not at all ? do you agree some squeamishness exists, but it's explained otherwise ? do you not agree it exists at all ?

No. I just think that, like all sub cultures, people in them tend to want to feel more special about what they are doing, they feel it is a rebirth to them, they feel it is better for them- so they make the mistake of universalizing it and saying that it IS better.

People enter a sub culture partly because they do not feel they fit well in mainstream culture (if they did, they'd never feel a desire to explore or keep exploring after they stumbled in). Once they find that "fit" they will latch onto it too tightly, often blinded by their own newness glare. This tends to make everything else look a little pale in comparison until the glare dies down. Nothing has really changed except the person's perspective.

BDSm/Ds is about authority- not sex. Thus, we, in general, can understand the levels of authority working in a relationship with a finder subtlety than most vanillas.

But when it comes to sex, we're as blind and unaware and held back by our own inhibitions as any vanilla.

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(in reply to zenofeller)

RE: inferiority complex? - 8/12/2006 2:41:51 AM

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I enjoy vanilla sex as much as I do kink, and I don't see any inferiority complex in the BDSM world, in general.

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to zenofeller)

RE: inferiority complex? - 8/12/2006 2:48:47 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross
People enter a sub culture partly because they do not feel they fit well in mainstream culture (if they did, they'd never feel a desire to explore or keep exploring after they stumbled in). Once they find that "fit" they will latch onto it too tightly, often blinded by their own newness glare. This tends to make everything else look a little pale in comparison until the glare dies down. Nothing has really changed except the person's perspective.

wouldn't this be a la carte overcompensation by superiority compex ?

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

RE: inferiority complex? - 8/12/2006 3:18:24 AM

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I enjoy them both. truth be told I love the complexity of a D/s relationship ( or rather would that be simplisity?) any way I love all the details and such that a D/s relationship has. and vanilla sex to me is fine .but rather boring.
Gandalf

(in reply to zenofeller)

RE: inferiority complex? - 8/12/2006 3:24:28 AM

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Well said

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

RE: inferiority complex? - 8/12/2006 3:27:09 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

BDSm/Ds is about authority- not sex.

Not to everyone it isn't. Or, not just about authority, I should say. Sex has its place in BDSM and D/s too, if one wants it.

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

RE: inferiority complex? - 8/12/2006 4:52:56 AM

Oumae

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Personally I don't feel inferior or superior to "vanilla". Just because something is right for me doesn't mean it is for everyone. I do agree with LA that some seem to need to fit in and can get a bit carried away or enthusiastic about it being the best but even in wiitwd we are all different.

quote:

and any comments about my cock you wish to share

It appears to like to crow loudly at times to wake/stir people up.

Oumae

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Is cuma le fear na mbrog ca leagann se a chos.
( The man with the boots does not mind where he places his foot)

(in reply to zenofeller)

RE: inferiority complex? - 8/12/2006 5:15:37 AM

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Neither is better, they're just different. Actually, I suspect having a little of both is a good thing. Sort of like your average sundae usually has vanilla ice cream in it along with all the other good stuff.

zuma

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RE: inferiority complex? - 8/12/2006 5:24:03 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: zenofeller

so, do you think bdsm has an inferiority complex with respect to vanilla ? only sex or other things too ? or not at all ? do you agree some squeamishness exists, but it's explained otherwise ? do you not agree it exists at all ?

I believe there are some within this lifestyle that have an inherent need to distinguish or separate themselves from supposedly "vanilla" folks. I would gather they've created a new way of relating sexually that has yet to be unleashed upon the masses. This behavior can be interpreted in a variety of ways. But when you strip away all the pretty titles and peculiar words, we have more in common than most realize.

porcelaine

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(in reply to zenofeller)

RE: inferiority complex? - 8/12/2006 5:45:37 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Level

I enjoy vanilla sex as much as I do kink, and I don't see any inferiority complex in the BDSM world, in general.

Us too for the vanilla sex though the underlying M/s notes are always present.

I know a lot of lifestyle folks and very rarely do i see any inferiority complex from any of them.

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The human heart is not a finite container but an ever expanding universe with all the stars contained there in.

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RE: inferiority complex? - 8/12/2006 5:58:22 AM

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I love vanilla sex. I love my Dom. I really love when we mix vanilla sex with our brand of kinky sex.

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(in reply to twicehappy)

RE: inferiority complex? - 8/12/2006 6:13:33 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: zenofeller

albatross said something to the effect of how squeamish bdsm folks are when it comes to real (normal ? common ? anachronic ? whatever) sex, and that's something i noticed myself. i always explained it as a manifest inferiority complex.

so, do you think bdsm has an inferiority complex with respect to vanilla ? only sex or other things too ? or not at all ? do you agree some squeamishness exists, but it's explained otherwise ? do you not agree it exists at all ?

and any comments about my cock you wish to share.

I kinda think there is an inferiority complex with alot of bdsmers, moreso than people who dont practice bdsm in some form.
I dont think I have ever, in any forum, any where in my life, seen so many people argue over definitions as bdsmers do. Ya know... "whats a real slave"? "what does service really mean?", "would a real dom act like this?" "Should this be a part of a ds relationship?", "Is this humiliation or degradation?" I mean an exchange of thoughts is cool. But Ive never seen so much hair splitting in my life. Ive also never seen such a majority of people who need to point out how 'real' they are at what they do, and be so intent on having everyone around them believe it. Beyond that Ive never seen such over reactions when someone doesnt approve of someone else's bent. Then you hear "Isnt this lifestyle about acceptance" "Isnt this lifestyle about being non-judgmental" "Isnt this lifestyle about tolerance?" Im thinking, why the fuck do you need Joe Schmo's approval of what you do? I think that all roots from insecurity and a deep-seated feeling of lack of acceptance. I think people put too much importance on being accepted for who they are, to a point of obsession. Bdsmers (in general) seem to have this problem in spades.

As far as sexual hangups? Lots of people have them, bdsmers and otherwise.

(in reply to zenofeller)

RE: inferiority complex? - 8/12/2006 6:36:00 AM

hizgeorgiapeach

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quote:

ORIGINAL: zenofeller

albatross said something to the effect of how squeamish bdsm folks are when it comes to real (normal ? common ? anachronic ? whatever) sex, and that's something i noticed myself. i always explained it as a manifest inferiority complex.

so, do you think bdsm has an inferiority complex with respect to vanilla ? only sex or other things too ? or not at all ? do you agree some squeamishness exists, but it's explained otherwise ? do you not agree it exists at all ?

Personally, I don't see it as "Squeemish" to prefer kinky sex over non-kinky. As a species we tend to do those things which we find pleasant in preference to those that we don't enjoy as much. For those of us involved in kink, that means prefering kinky sex a large percentage of the time. I don't Avoid non-kink sexually. I don't seek it out either though - because it's not high on my list of preferences when I think about getting laid.

I definately do not see a preference as having anything to do with inferiority complexes. Whether we're involved in kink or not, we all have our preferences based on a lot of different factors in our individual lives. As far as there being a squeemish avoidance of "all things nilla" within the BDSM community at large - I'd say that its practically impossible to avoid having more "nilla" aspects to live than ds/ms or bdsm centered areas. Any hobby outside the dungeon - from reading to taking walks to painting or enjoying music - is essentially "nilla." Unless you work as a Professional Top or Bottom, then its doubtful that your job and workplace are anything other than "nilla." Does someone in the household go grocery shopping, pay utility bills, mow the lawn, take out the trash to the curb every week? Then you're living a Normal life - regardless of what you want to call it.

If people do not see other Hobbies or aspects of life as springing from some sort of Inferiority Complex, why would they see hobbies that involve Kink as springing from such self esteem issues?

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(in reply to zenofeller)

RE: inferiority complex? - 8/12/2006 6:41:59 AM

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I agree with Marie, although would not say it is an inferiority complex. It seems to be a hungry need for validation of any sort.
I can only speak from my own experience, of course. But I find that in general, the BDSMers I know are not capable of becoming aroused through "normal" sex. Many of the men have ID and BDSM gives them sexual enjoyment without penetration.

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RE: inferiority complex? - 8/12/2006 7:03:18 AM

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I see it exists. But I do not think it is a complex as resepcts to *vanilla* - just people in general.

There are people in life who have an inferiority complex, so it goes without much thought to realise this passes into BDSM world as well, seeing as people originate from the V path. People in BDSM are no different to people outside BDSM - but some people liek to think that they are better. Just as people who do not enjoy BDSM think they are better than those of us who participate. All cultures have some kind of 'them and us ' attitude. Even within BDSM you have the slaves who think they are better than the submissive types and visa versa...

Doesn't matter on the side you take, it happens throughout because it is human nature to want to feel superior, better, to have more knowledge, to be seen to have done more than the person next door.

As for your cock, I will wait until You display it until I make any comments...

Peace and Rapture

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(in reply to zenofeller)

RE: inferiority complex? - 8/12/2006 7:09:32 AM

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I'm new here..to Collarme, that is...so first "hi".

I think this is an interesting discussion. It reminded me of a conversation I had with a Dom a couple of weeks ago. I had said something about him talking down to me as if being a female Dominant somehow made me inferior. He got quite defensive and asked me if I saw myself as superior to him, that he was inferior to me.....I was somewhat surprised because I simply saw him as an equal. He on the other hand seems to think that it's a black and white thing with no middle ground.

So....yes I think there is a lot of insecurity in the Lifestyle and it's not always aimed at the vanillas. I think it's a good exercise for all of us to get really honest with ourselves and look at why we do what we do, and if it is about insecurity then a little work on ourselves wouldn't hurt. I think a clue about insecurity is definitely the amount of external validation/acceptance you need.

(in reply to WhiteRadiance)

RE: inferiority complex? - 8/12/2006 7:28:46 AM

CreativeDominant

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quote:

ORIGINAL: zenofeller

albatross said something to the effect of how squeamish bdsm folks are when it comes to real (normal ? common ? anachronic ? whatever) sex, and that's something i noticed myself. i always explained it as a manifest inferiority complex.

so, do you think bdsm has an inferiority complex with respect to vanilla ? only sex or other things too ? or not at all ? do you agree some squeamishness exists, but it's explained otherwise ? do you not agree it exists at all ?

and any comments about my cock you wish to share.

My ex "outed" me to her lawyer during the divorce (she outed me to others also but that's a whole different story). This led to there being a lawyer who acted as "guardian ad litem" for my unmentionables. He, along with the ex's lawyer, insisted that I undergo a psycho -sexual evaluation to make sure it was "safe" for my young, vulnerable unmentionables to be around a "twisted perv" such as I had become.

The evaluation was mainly, as explained to me afterwards by the psychiatrist who did it, a ways and means of exploring whether or not truly criminal images and thoughts (adult-unmentionable sex) turned me on, whether or not vanilla sex turned me off, if the only thing that aroused me was kinky sex, etc. Surprise, surprise...I turned out NOT to be a criminal who could only sport a hard-on while wielding a flogger against a hapless female and who did not reschedule my patients so that I could don my Aqualung-shabby clothes to hang out and leer and drool in the schoolyard to watch the frilly panties run while touching myself.
What does "normal" mean, in my case anyway? I am a person who prefers to live in a D/s relationship, I am an honorable sadist, I like kinky flavors with my sex but every once in awhile, there's nothing wrong with a good old-fashioned vanilla lay...perhaps spiced by having the girl on top (horrors). Oddly enough....you'd be surprised at how many of my submissive partners have been more squicked over the idea of a certain type of 'vanilla' positioning (them on top) or even vanilla sex in general than I was.

So...given the above, I can say that I have no problems with vanilla sex or a vanilla relationship. It is just that in the first instance, I enjoy it only occasionally and in the second instance, I've lived that and don't want to anymore. I'd rather be alone, if it came down to a choice of having to live that or live alone. I've met others that feel differently. As to the aforementioned submissive females, I never got the feeling that it was a problem with a feeling of inferiority or superiority but rather just a "squirm" over being on top of the dominant in bed.

(in reply to zenofeller)

RE: inferiority complex? - 8/12/2006 7:30:13 AM

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I love vanilla sex just as much as kink...as long as we are together, I'm fine with whatever we do.

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Dance like no one is watching,
Sing like no one is listening.
Love like you've never been hurt
and live like it's heaven on Earth.

(in reply to CreativeDominant)

RE: inferiority complex? - 8/12/2006 7:34:29 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MzTlaz

I'm new here..to Collarme, that is...so first "hi".

I think this is an interesting discussion. It reminded me of a conversation I had with a Dom a couple of weeks ago. I had said something about him talking down to me as if being a female Dominant somehow made me inferior. He got quite defensive and asked me if I saw myself as superior to him, that he was inferior to me.....I was somewhat surprised because I simply saw him as an equal. He on the other hand seems to think that it's a black and white thing with no middle ground.

So....yes I think there is a lot of insecurity in the Lifestyle and it's not always aimed at the vanillas. I think it's a good exercise for all of us to get really honest with ourselves and look at why we do what we do, and if it is about insecurity then a little work on ourselves wouldn't hurt. I think a clue about insecurity is definitely the amount of external validation/acceptance you need.

Hi and welcome.

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to MzTlaz)

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