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passion turned to love? - 12/26/2004 2:57:18 PM

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I met a man in sept who was very pleasingly aggressive and verbal telling me even the simplest things he wanted of me to please him and all was well!
Then somewhere in the midst of all the passion he falls in love with me, and has since restrained himself so as not to hurt me or mark me!?
This is puzzling to me as it was his lack of restraint that so turned me on. He resists me being aggressive! Witholds from me when i try to encourage it, and we've been in the middle of lovemaking and i think its just now becoming exciting and he just quits and leaves the room. Am I doing something wrong I heard him mumble beneath his breath questioning himself? What do I do to get this back on track and yet still be the submissive that he's drawn to and loves?

RE: passion turned to love? - 12/26/2004 3:21:11 PM

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men are so easily confused. just when they think they have themselves figured out, they change something and this creates confusion in their large brain. he equates love with tenderness and protection and you still crave what attracted you to him in the first place. until you both talk this out-and do not do this in the bedroom-starbucks is a good place or a private booth in a resturant, he will continue to exist in this dicotomy. as a dom female, i have seen this occur with other lady friends. be clear with your message to him, tell him what you truly miss and how it makes you feel. as in any relationship, you both need to be clear on expectations.

(in reply to casolarphoenix)

RE: passion turned to love? - 12/26/2004 3:22:45 PM

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Tell him what you said right here, and if he can't provide what you need, then you have to move on.

(in reply to casolarphoenix)

RE: passion turned to love? - 12/26/2004 4:00:25 PM

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quote:

Then somewhere in the midst of all the passion he falls in love with me, and has since restrained himself so as not to hurt me or mark me!?

This is more common than you think.
The following thread may interest you:

can love get in the way?

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan

(in reply to casolarphoenix)

RE: passion turned to love? - 12/27/2004 2:07:16 AM

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From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
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This can be a real problem and it isn't just males that have it. When you are a Dominant, falling in love can almost ruin things. Most of us need to treasure that which we love and treat it gently. While this is perfect in a vanilla setting, it can leave a sub bereft of the very thing that made the relationship work. As has been suggested, you need to talk with him. He is probably pretty confused himself if you're the first sub he has loved. It takes a while to figure out that giving pain or other BDSM play can be a wonderful way of expressing love also. He may be feeling guilty over his desire to hurt the woman he loves. Sit him down and tell him that the feeling of his hand on your backside lets you know he cares... that the time and effort he takes in dominating you makes you feel special and cherished. Let him know that having orders from him makes you feel safe and protected. Ask him why he feels that he needs to pull back. Reassure him that you still have your safeword and will use it in case of a true problem and that you love to look at your marks the next several days after play, as it reminds you of the pleasures you shared. Promise to talk with him if you have any problems or doubts. The sooner you do this, the better.

Just because he is not taking his need out on you doesn't mean that he no longer has the need. It means he no longer feels comfortable taking that need out on you. You must work through this if your relationship is to continue and thrive. Good Luck!

_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

(in reply to casolarphoenix)

RE: passion turned to love? - 12/27/2004 2:39:10 PM

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The answer is simple..he fell in love.

A lover cannot do what a Master/Dom can.....for one in love is afraid he may hurt or injure you mentally or physically and cannot bring himself to push and be as a dom should as he is concerned with what you may think of him if such occurs, a paradox indeed for the sub who feels for their dom because they are what they are and do what they do that others would not.

It is ok to love a sub but not be in love

(in reply to casolarphoenix)

RE: passion turned to love? - 12/27/2004 3:14:28 PM

danae

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SatyrLegend

A lover cannot do what a Master/Dom can.....

I've always known my Master is special, lol, but I do not agree with this as a blanket statement. My Master is my lover, but he is always a Dom first because, well, he can't help himself, that's just who he is. Re-read BeachMystress's advice, casolar. I know part of the reason my Master loves me is precisely because I can give him that release. I am tougher than I look, and am fearless with him, because I trust him. Give your man that reassurance... but the agressiveness has got to come from him, not you, or it probably isn't going to work.

danae

(in reply to SatyrLegend)

RE: passion turned to love? - 12/27/2004 3:30:58 PM

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From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SatyrLegend

A lover cannot do what a Master/Dom can....

Speak for yourself. I have no problems being in love and making the object of my desire scream in pain.

_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

(in reply to SatyrLegend)

RE: passion turned to love? - 12/27/2004 3:53:28 PM

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quote:

The answer is simple..he fell in love.

A lover cannot do what a Master/Dom can

How sad if you really believe that. That means you can't have one without the other. If M/s is what you seek why wouldn't you want it to be with a person you loved? I have loved no one more then beth. she is my definition of love. I won't speak for her in this regard, but I believe the feeling is reciprocal. Our physical interaction is a key to that love. she sees the marks made on her body as a representation of that love. We see no dichotomy in that statement. We both whet into this relationship seeking the physical, and hoping for the emotional. We were lucky to have obtained both.

I know that a new Dom or a Dom who has never experienced Love in a relationship before has to deal with the emotions that casolarphoenix describes. It's a barrier to breach. As others have said, communication provides the solution. Talk - Trust - Evolve.

(in reply to SatyrLegend)

RE: passion turned to love? - 12/27/2004 5:10:09 PM

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It actually has a name; the Madonna complex.
I play with 3 sub females on an annual basis (Black Rose). All 3 are victims of the same malady; their Master "fell in love" with them.
What that means for their Master is that he is no longer able to objectify them to the extent that he can step outside of the relationship and accurately judge and/or deliver what they need. What that means for them is that they no longer can experience the kind of "edge" that they crave.

I am honored that all 3 and their Master's have chosen me for my skill and sadistic streak. I do not threaten their relationship; I simply supply a service in a controlled environment. I enjoy my work.

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Master Jerry

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

RE: passion turned to love? - 12/27/2004 5:53:56 PM

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I've never had this issue.

But then again, I'm objective in and of Myself-so I have no difficulty in continuing that, even with someone I have affection for.

Maybe it's just that I'm more integrated that way-perhaps these men lose thier "edge" because they have to compartmentalize themselves to be cruel?

I don't get it.

(in reply to lovingmaster45)

RE: passion turned to love? - 12/28/2004 8:41:56 PM

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The following is an email i sent to my man trying to express myslef to him. Believe I stole some and misquoted others smiles but I was just curious what your response would be to such an email and what you would think thanks for your reponses thus far

Mmmmmmmmmmm...
So, smiles, I just finished touching (it) myself,
smiles! nice kitty!
It was all hot, swollen, and wet, slippery wet,
and I find myself thinking about if you were with me
and I were touching myself in front of you
how i'd want you to kiss me breathless
and slide your fingers into my silky wet pussy smiles
while i rubbed my clit
how i would just move around your fingers and come in your hand shaking
how you might be inspired to drive yourself into me
over and over grabbing me and biting and kissing and spanking
the feel of your hand coming in contact with my ass hot and stinging is arrousing to me
and find a great deal of pleasure in looking at the marks you leave on my body
for the weeks to come inbetween your next visit
until i come again
until you come too
Mmmmmmmmm.....I wish you could fuck me like that right now
I wish you could everyday, all the time smiles,
and in between we could talk and laugh and dance and sing and sleep smiles be opurselves be happy
I'm a strong women a sexual women i can handle anything you can give me becuase i trust you and feel safe and secure in your presance. Your voice is uplifting to me! You bring me so much happiness when you give me affirmation and attention of any kind, but it is scary when you don't! I'm missing you! I'm loving you! smiles! Dreaming of seeing you sooner rather than later!

(in reply to casolarphoenix)

RE: passion turned to love? - 12/29/2004 10:43:34 PM

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I disagree completely that a man who loves you cannot dominate/top or be your master (I certainly plan to Dominate and love my slave).
Am sorry that this is happening to you though... I would say give him a few days to hide and sort out his feelings/role, than have this very conversation with him, and hopefully, he'll have reached some kind of clarity and ability to see that both can be done, and all will be well... Otherwise, have to agree with MC2044, move on.
Good luck, M
P.S. Nice email Casolar... If that doesn't get a response, I don't know what will.

< Message edited by BlkTallFullfig -- 12/29/2004 11:07:33 PM >

(in reply to SatyrLegend)

RE: passion turned to love? - 1/2/2005 4:12:43 AM

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I may be really, really new at this, but to me, the question isn't "Does him falling in love with you ruin the sex."

The question is:

"Do you love him?"

Cause if you do love him, sex problems can be worked out. If you don't love him and he loves you, then... well, I'd have to say that that's not fair to him, now, is it?

(in reply to BlkTallFullfig)

RE: passion turned to love? - 1/2/2005 6:38:09 PM

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sounds like clogged communication lines are the problem if you tell him he is messing up it may get you just what you want..............

(in reply to casolarphoenix)

RE: passion turned to love? - 1/2/2005 7:41:53 PM

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Joined: 1/20/2004
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quote:

What do I do to get this back on track and yet still be the submissive that he's drawn to and loves?

This is a very complex and tricky problem you have. I don't envy your position. I agree with someone else's statement that this issue is actually quite common. Look at the thread that was provided and good luck! I am sure you will be successful.

(in reply to casolarphoenix)

RE: passion turned to love? - 1/11/2005 5:00:02 PM

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When I love, I am a more strict Dom than ever. If I love you; I want you to be more diciplined, respectful, and obediant. If I love you; I will spank you harder, tie you tighter, and make demands higher. If I love you; the louder I growl, sharper I scratch, and stronger I bite. Passion turned to love you say? What an interesting fashion. To me when it's more than passion, Love makes the whip stronger in my lashin.

Attachment (1)

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(in reply to casolarphoenix)

RE: passion turned to love? - 1/11/2005 5:27:42 PM

nella

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SatyrLegend i belive your statements are false. you can speak for yourself, but to speak for all this way. i can see that this can be a problem, and in my own realtionship my Dom is often afride to hurt me. What if i brake skin, what if you get more then you can take he says to me, well Dear i reply, then i will heal, try to avoid it, but i do not shatter like glass.

(in reply to FangsNfeet)

RE: passion turned to love? - 1/13/2005 8:27:17 AM

domtimothy46176

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From: Dayton, Ohio area
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I think you hit it on the head, nella. We are all different. It may be your dominant simply needs time to adjust to the intesity of his feelings and how they relate to his dominance. I don't know that there's any particular way to help someone resolve this issue, other than maintaining good communication and being true to your submissiveness.
Best of luck,
Timothy

(in reply to nella)

RE: passion turned to love? - 1/13/2005 9:23:42 AM

nella

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Joined: 12/30/2004
From: Norway
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Yes i hope i will resolve in time.

For example at one time i was insolent and my Dom grabbed hold of my hair and was going to jank me to my feet, i was goin throug some bags, and correct me. He made a mistake and bumped my head on the doorframe. He has been frightend of putting a hand on me sinse that. And i tell him, i am fine Honey, i do not even have a bump on my head, it was an acident, and acidents we can all have. i do to. i toss and turn when sleeping and actualy hit him in the nose in my sleep making him nosebleed, we can all have acidents, but he is so afride of harming me in any way.

(in reply to domtimothy46176)

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