To trust or not to trust (Full Version)

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SapphosReign26 -> To trust or not to trust (8/21/2006 4:35:15 PM)

So I am posed with a question that I have been pondering over for some time. How can you learn to trust someone when everyone in your past has screwed you over and left you jaded and bitter? I have found it takes me longer to trust someone because of my past and feel it is not fair to the people in my life. I am trying hard to look beyond it and it is a bit of my fault because I tend to be naive at times and give people the benefit of the doubt. I give people second chances and look at their good qualities rather then their bad. I have someone in my life I am having trouble trusting and wish so much that I could open up but I get mixed vibes. Should I trust this person or continue to get to know them on the level I am comfortable with or or risk losing them in my life? If that person really wants me in their life they will hopefully be accepting of this slow to trust mentality. Is this selfish?



Owned1 -> RE: To trust or not to trust (8/21/2006 4:39:47 PM)

This is a question truly only you can answer.  I often state trust your gut, and dont go against it.  If you are honest with the other person as to why it might take you longer to develop trust, and how important trust is to you they should be patient and be able to wait.

It is easy for me to sit at my keyboard and tell you what to do, for example if they wont wait kick them to the curb.  However this is your life.  

Trust is something that once lost it is almost impossible to regain.  It is also something that cannot be gained instantly.  A relationship,  any relationship takes time, as the trust builds so does the strength of the relationship.

Listen to your heart, your head and your gut.  Dont do what makes you feel uncomfortable.

All the best

Owned



popeye1250 -> RE: To trust or not to trust (8/21/2006 4:43:01 PM)

Sapphos, me too, always get collatteral!



Daddy4UdderSlut -> RE: To trust or not to trust (8/21/2006 4:43:54 PM)

I think that owned1 gave some wise counsel.  Something I would add is, that if your inclination is to hang in there - don't risk something at this point that you can't afford to lose.  If the person is worth your time, they will be patient and understand where you are coming from.



sleazybutterfly -> RE: To trust or not to trust (8/21/2006 5:05:29 PM)

I know how you feel, really.  I have been hurt so many times, by people I trusted.  It's hard for me to put myself out there again and again.  I am sort of struggling with this now.  There is someone I really like, but I am having a hard time trusting him.  I think he feels like I am holding back, but I don't mean to. 

I am trying to follow my gut and not let my past fears take over things.  It's so hard to open yourself up again though, to take that risk.

I don't know how you can make yourself do it, or even if you should with someone you are talking to.  I have to try and cancel out the bad things, the past and ask myself this question, "If none of the past had happened, would I still have trouble trusting this person?".  If the answer is no, then I try to open up and let things happen, if it's yes, then I know that fear is there for a reason and I let myself trust it.

I am not sure if any of that made sense or not.  The past happened and it's a good learning tool, just don't let it keep you from finding happiness in the future.

~Andrea



SapphosReign26 -> RE: To trust or not to trust (8/21/2006 5:08:23 PM)

I agree with you totally. I believe that it is a risk, but I think if you get that gut instinct it means something and you should listen to it. I am not going to compromise if I am not comfortable I will not be just because I feel like I will lose that person. I will do it on my own time. If  that person is the right person they will be patient with you that is what I believe. Thanks for the advice everyone!



crouchingtigress -> RE: To trust or not to trust (8/21/2006 5:10:20 PM)

i know a girl who was stolen out of her house when she was 9 years old and raped for 3 days by a stranger that still has not be caught...when he was done with her he cut her from ear to ear.
 
but she lived.

she walked out into the street head hanging, covered in blood, and was able to get to the hospital in time.
 
the amazing part of this story is that she is NOT even a little fucked up
 
she has a scar, but  a very sunny disposition, and she is a becoming a beautiful young woman.
 
i dont know how she does it.....i was raped and not mutilated and it fucked me up for 10 years.
 
but eventually i decided that i did not want to live my life in fear.
 
i did not want to live my life not loving freely.
 
so i made some changes and i realized that i would rather trust and maybe get hurt then to not trust.
 
you have to make the same decision....
 
i wish you well and bid you peace
 
amy



marieToo -> RE: To trust or not to trust (8/21/2006 5:25:33 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SapphosReign26

So I am posed with a question that I have been pondering over for some time. How can you learn to trust someone when everyone in your past has screwed you over and left you jaded and bitter? I have found it takes me longer to trust someone because of my past and feel it is not fair to the people in my life. I am trying hard to look beyond it and it is a bit of my fault because I tend to be naive at times and give people the benefit of the doubt. I give people second chances and look at their good qualities rather then their bad. I have someone in my life I am having trouble trusting and wish so much that I could open up but I get mixed vibes. Should I trust this person or continue to get to know them on the level I am comfortable with or or risk losing them in my life? If that person really wants me in their life they will hopefully be accepting of this slow to trust mentality. Is this selfish?


Yeah, I think anyone worthy will be understanding of your need to let trust evolve slowly.  But I think maybe you should express that to the other person and explain why. 
As far as the vibes thing...well...Im a vibe person too and when I have neg vibes about something, it usually turns out to be accurate.  Im not saying thats the case for you, because I dont know what kind of vibes youre having, or what they mean.  But I would suggest seeing it through until you have your answers.  But of course, be careful.  Dont do anything you're not ready for before your time.  As far as the ability to trust goes...I think it goes both ways.  And just about everyone has been hurt at some time or another (some worse than others Im sure), but I think its in the human heart to want to trust.  Unless I feel that someone is a psycho, and unless I feel unsafe,  often I will give the benefit of the doubt.  If in the end the person turns out to be unworthy of the trust I gave them, it doesnt change me at all, because its not my shame, its theirs. And well....Im sure as hell not going to break in half because someone turned out to be fullashit.  Are you??   Just take care to protect your safety.    Good luck to you.  :)



SavageFaerie -> RE: To trust or not to trust (8/21/2006 5:30:00 PM)

Trust is a hard thing to earn, having been on both sides of the coin.

I have found that often trust go hand in hand with honesty. If you put your cards on the table from the very first initial contact and stick by them, guess what.  There are no surprises. intuition does tell us when not to trust....trust that.  If there is a slight niggle from the beginning despite the chemisty...can the relationship work?....say....lets just be friends.....you can build trust with good friends, find weakness, find strength. And you can find out if a person is a bitch/bastard or worthy of trust and honesty.

Build on that...up front open honesty...as misunderstandings  and misconceptions....lead down the path of not trusting.

Thats my opinion and it does not fail me anymore

My lifes lesson.



subinside -> RE: To trust or not to trust (8/21/2006 5:57:02 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sleazybutterfly

I have to try and cancel out the bad things, the past and ask myself this question, "If none of the past had happened, would I still have trouble trusting this person?".  If the answer is no, then I try to open up and let things happen, if it's yes, then I know that fear is there for a reason and I let myself trust it.



I have to say that this is a wonderful piece of advice that i myself will employ with my One.

Thanks for the great headspace Andrea.

~si



WhipTheHip -> RE: To trust or not to trust (8/21/2006 5:58:15 PM)

What kind of person is the other person?  How does the person treat others?  What is their moral code?  Is the person a nice person?  Are they open about their thoughts?   Or do they often hide from you what they really think?  Do you have to guess what the person feeling or thinking, or are they an open book.  People who are open, compassionate, loving, understanding ought to be trusted.  This is just my personal viewpoint.  If they give other people the benefit of the doubt, you should give them the benefit of the doubt.



smilezz -> RE: To trust or not to trust (8/21/2006 6:49:24 PM)

I think alot of people have been where you are.  It's not easy to trust once it's gone bad before.  Someone once told me though:  "Take a breath, then take a breath every other time, it's like missing out on a moment of life". 
It's not easy to do that, it's not easy to trust...........but what if you never took that breath?

~smilezz~



shivvy -> RE: To trust or not to trust (8/21/2006 9:30:15 PM)

hello Ma'am.
 
as flutterby and SavageFaerie say really and just that E/everybody is an individual and trust has to be earned. just coz You met one nasty person, don't mean E/everybody is nasty. just go with Your gut and hopefully You won't get hurt again Ma'am.
 
but like my Master says, everything that happened before today, good and bad, brought You to where You are today.
 
i can't speak for E/everybody, but i guess most of us have been hurt and betrayed in the past. i know i have. but life's to short to trust nobody and be on you're own all the time... that's wot i think anyway, for wot it'z worth.
 
with Respect,
 
shiv
-x-



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: To trust or not to trust (8/21/2006 10:04:23 PM)

It's a good thing to take more time after someone's broken your trust.  You need more time to figure out what happened the last time and change your habits so that it is less likely- after all, you are the one who has attracted so many untrustworthy people and not seen the issues before it was too late.

You simply have to decide what risks you can take and what risks you can't.  How have you changed your judgement process?  Too many jaded chicks build "emotional walls" which the next guy who comes along and gives them any sincere attachment just washes right away.

Don't build walls, just build a better screen door.



CrappyDom -> RE: To trust or not to trust (8/21/2006 10:09:00 PM)

This is the condenses version of what LA is trying to say nicely...why do you seek out and choose people who turn out to be such shitty partners?

Look inward for the answer and work on you and the rest will sort itself out quite nicely.



SapphosReign26 -> RE: To trust or not to trust (8/21/2006 10:24:22 PM)

I agree and I am doing a lot of soul searching. I don't seek people they find me. I attract the same types but maybe in some weird way I'm attracted to those types. It could be a maschostic thing and am trying to figure that out. It is part of my Aries nature I love challenges and therefore have gotten some pretty messed up folks in my life but that is going to change. I think part of me thinks I can make people better or fix them. Thats when I wanted to be a psychologist but have made a realization that you can't fix everyones problems, they have to do that on there own.  My instincts have been correct most of the time, so I'm going with my gut instinct in the future. Thanks for the advice everyone!



fyreredsub -> RE: To trust or not to trust (8/22/2006 5:36:13 AM)

(*grins at LA*
that's it , i need a screen door instead of a back door...)

all i have been able to figure out in life is if my gut is screaming and i don't listen,somewhere down the line it is a disaster.[&:]

so keep your eyes and ears open, listen to your gut and never give up hope...speak of your fears and hurts and why trusting is hard.if he is for real he will help you with it.

that old learning to ride the bike analogy

or men are like lottery tickets,sometimes you have to scratch off a lot of losers before you find a winner*grins*


quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

It's a good thing to take more time after someone's broken your trust.  You need more time to figure out what happened the last time and change your habits so that it is less likely- after all, you are the one who has attracted so many untrustworthy people and not seen the issues before it was too late.

You simply have to decide what risks you can take and what risks you can't.  How have you changed your judgement process?  Too many jaded chicks build "emotional walls" which the next guy who comes along and gives them any sincere attachment just washes right away.

Don't build walls, just build a better screen door.



darkinshadows -> RE: To trust or not to trust (8/22/2006 6:17:52 AM)

Like LA said you do need to figure out what happened and try and learn from it - about yourself, and the situation you was in.
 
In my position, I think it is incredibly difficult to trust.  That said, it isn't particularly fair to the person concerned that they are coloured with the same brush as a previous bad experience. 
My point came that I have to make the choice on whether he was worth losing.  The answer is - of course not.
Andrea did offer a wonderful piece of advice-
 
quote:

"If none of the past had happened, would I still have trouble trusting this person?".  If the answer is no, then I try to open up and let things happen, if it's yes, then I know that fear is there for a reason and I let myself trust it.

Peace and Rapture



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