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Mistakes and Apologies - 1/1/2005 3:37:07 PM   
nessie02


Posts: 9
Joined: 6/30/2004
Status: offline 		Am I blowing this out of proportion? **Warning - this is long**

Recently the Dom I had been conversing with sent me an email 'correcting' me on some things that I had done wrong. (Not answering his questions)

This was the email in question:

"Look back over my emails pet. There is one I sent with an attachment to it with questions for you. Also looking for comments on the attachment. When I ask you question it is not for my health slave. I do expect a response to all the questions I ask you. Is that Understood?
I will not let you keep sliding by without responding. Is this something we need to work on slave?
Or is this something you can correct on your own?
In the future you will find that I will draw the line and put my foot down when it comes to this subject. At that point you will be punished for a failure to respond to me. Understood?
This has nothing to do with this morning pet and I want you to sit down and take your time responding to me. Perhaps you need to look at how you use your time and the time you desire to spend on me."

I have no problem being corrected, even harshly as long as it is warranted. Throughout the time we have talked he has always praised my mail and never let me on to thinking it was anywhere near up to par. When I got this email it hit me pretty hard and was fairly upset.

He sent me this after I calmly (and in a slightly cold manner as I was trying my best to not say things I would regret) told him that I had answered all his questions and such. His reply was this:

"Yes, you did answer the questions and I apologize for thinking you had not. At the bottom of the email I noted that I was attaching a file. If the attachment did not make it to you it would have been nice for you to have told me that."

I feel as if his apology isn't good enough. I feel like I'm not a puppy, you can't kick me and think I'll forget in an hour and be all lovey again and your harsh words don‘t matter. I know I have to tell him how I feel... but in the back of my mind I wonder if I am over-reacting.

Not to mention all of a sudden his is angry and I'm his property (he very well knows that I am not a slave, only a sub.) This all makes me wonder if he'll act like this over something that I didn't really do, what’s going to happen when I do something worse in person?

This is the second BIG RED FLAG I've gotten (in my opinion.)

Am I over-reacting and blowing this out of proportion. Am I wrong to think that his apology is not enough for his actions?

I know only I really know everything and can make that choice, but I can't help but wonder if I am making more of this than I should.

Sorry that this was long, and thank you in advance to all that reply.


Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Mistakes and Apologies - 1/1/2005 3:45:05 PM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

This is the second BIG RED FLAG I've gotten (in my opinion.)


OK, so why are you still corresponding with him then? You answered your own question.

(in reply to nessie02)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Mistakes and Apologies - 1/1/2005 3:51:13 PM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline 		perhaps he intended that e-mail to be sent to his slave and somehow you got it by mistake?

(in reply to nessie02)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Mistakes and Apologies - 1/1/2005 3:52:57 PM   
nessie02


Posts: 9
Joined: 6/30/2004
Status: offline 		I have no way to prove that the first flag really was one... its something that could or couldn't have been him and I have no way to prove either.

me continuing to talk to him hinges on this.... and I don't want to break things off if its me being daft.

(in reply to sub4hire)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Mistakes and Apologies - 1/1/2005 3:58:50 PM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

I have no way to prove that the first flag really was one... its something that could or couldn't have been him and I have no way to prove either.


Why do you need proof of your own emotions? Do you second guess your own feelings?
Obviously he has given you reason to feel uncomfortable or fear for your own safety. Whatever the red flags were. They were very real.
In order to have a good relationship you need good communication. Not communication from one side and not the other.
When my dom and I were first getting together and getting to know each other. There were red flags as well. However, after much talking and understanding one another. I had realized they were not red flags at all. You are a person first and foremost. You have a right to have your own feelings and opinions.
I think you know the answer to your questions already. You just want us to agree so that way it won't be all your fault in the end. Remember it is your life. Only you can choose how you live it.
We can give you all the advice in the world. Some good and some bad. We aren't part of your life so we cannot give you the best.

(in reply to nessie02)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Mistakes and Apologies - 1/1/2005 4:00:57 PM   
PerhapsitsFate


Posts: 42
Joined: 11/30/2004
Status: offline 		I agree with sub4hire, you've already answered your own question. Gut instincts are generally right. You were pretty adament that this was the 2nd red flag, now you are backpedaling, and saying that the first might not have been one... sounds to me that you really didn't want to hear that the best thing to do is end it.

_____________________________

"Be still, sad heart and cease repining; Behind the clouds is the sun still shining; Thy fate is the common fate of all, Into each life some rain must fall, Some days must be dark and dreary."
~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

(in reply to nessie02)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Mistakes and Apologies - 1/1/2005 4:14:02 PM   
nessie02


Posts: 9
Joined: 6/30/2004
Status: offline 		Thank you sub4hire, PerhapsitsFate, and Mercnbeth.

sub4hire and PerhapsitsFate, you are right. I do just want to hear someone agree with me. I just want(ed) to know that I'm not going out of proportion. You had mentioned your own red flags.. and how in the end they weren't really flags at all. Thats what I feared this would have been. And I most likely don't want to hear it either. Me taking something and making a bigger deal then it is. Actually thats what I'm doing now this second.

Thank you.

(in reply to PerhapsitsFate)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Mistakes and Apologies - 1/1/2005 4:20:56 PM   
PerhapsitsFate


Posts: 42
Joined: 11/30/2004
Status: offline 		nessie... I'm notorious for blowing things way out of proportion, something that I've been working on for awhile now, but is still admittably something I'm terrible about. Stop and think before you write, talk, react. This is something that lead me to lose the last person in my life, someone that I still ache for, and probably always will. You are still young, and young in the lifestyle, so take things slow, so that you don't end up with a ton of baggage for someone to have to deal with someday. At this point, you shouldn't be so jaded that you can't see people for who they are instead of a conglomeration of the people who have hurt you (my other Everest). Good luck!
~fate

_____________________________

"Be still, sad heart and cease repining; Behind the clouds is the sun still shining; Thy fate is the common fate of all, Into each life some rain must fall, Some days must be dark and dreary."
~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

(in reply to nessie02)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Mistakes and Apologies - 1/1/2005 5:00:01 PM   
INSIDEYOURMIND


Posts: 483
Status: offline 		The thought here would be to communicate these feelings to him, while advice is well given, open communication with your Dom is the key.

Is this a relationship that is exclusively online, or does it have a real future?

The problems of "online" is that you cannot always express yourself in the correct manner, without inflection, both of you could be misunderstanding each other.

And, NAAAAAAAAAAAAH NAAAAAAAAAAAH, I can be genuine, when the subject warrants it.

_____________________________

If I got smart with you.................
How would you know?

(in reply to PerhapsitsFate)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Mistakes and Apologies - 1/1/2005 5:20:12 PM   
darkpetal


Posts: 24
Status: offline 		i considered this an apology when i read your post.

building on a real time relationship on line is NO crime.

there are many facters you did not mention and you have no need to.

i have been in a postion to think toooooooooo much !

to my downfall and detriment.

now mind you...this is only my opinion.

(in reply to nessie02)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Mistakes and Apologies - 1/1/2005 5:45:03 PM   
perverseangelic


Posts: 2625
Joined: 2/2/2004
From: Davis, Ca
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: nessie02
Yes, you did answer the questions and I apologize for thinking you had not. At the bottom of the email I noted that I was attaching a file. If the attachment did not make it to you it would have been nice for you to have told me that."



....if you didn't get the attachment, how were you supposed to know there was one and tell him you didn't get it?

I know when I use yahoo mail it occationally eats attachments. If it does that, it doesn't even show me there used to be an attachment.

That statement's dumb.
Too, if he really wanted to be sure you saw it, well, why not put a note in the body text?

This is neither here nor there, but geeze, if you'r gonna use e-mail to corespond, why not make it -easy- on both parties?

_____________________________

~in the begining it is always dark~

(in reply to nessie02)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Mistakes and Apologies - 1/1/2005 5:52:44 PM   
nessie02


Posts: 9
Joined: 6/30/2004
Status: offline 		he had sent me another email that morning wanting an answer to the email he had sent the other night (I hadn't had time to write him, my emails usually take me about two hours or more to write) and I think in my rush to finish the questions for him I forgot to ever mention it. That one was way my fault. I never did mention his attachment.

< Message edited by nessie02 -- 1/1/2005 5:53:30 PM >

_____________________________

One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: that word is Love.
- Sophocles

(in reply to perverseangelic)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Mistakes and Apologies - 1/1/2005 7:24:27 PM   
realophelia


Posts: 168
Status: offline
quote:

"Yes, you did answer the questions and I apologize for thinking you had not. At the bottom of the email I noted that I was attaching a file. If the attachment did not make it to you it would have been nice for you to have told me that."

I feel as if his apology isn't good enough. I feel like I'm not a puppy, you can't kick me and think I'll forget in an hour and be all lovey again and your harsh words don‘t matter. I know I have to tell him how I feel... but in the back of my mind I wonder if I am over-reacting.

Not to mention all of a sudden his is angry and I'm his property (he very well knows that I am not a slave, only a sub.) This all makes me wonder if he'll act like this over something that I didn't really do, what’s going to happen when I do something worse in person?


Seems like the whole thing was one big misunderstanding to me. And I didn't think the apology was all that bad.

If you think he over-reacted initially however, and are afraid he is going to be too reactionary in the future I would definitely discuss that with him. If he is making assumptions, (that you're his slave, his to punish, etc.) I would straighten that out, as well.

Best of luck,
Ophelia

_____________________________

"And every one of them words rang true And glowed like burning coal Pouring off of every page Like it was written in my soul..."

(in reply to nessie02)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Mistakes and Apologies - 1/1/2005 7:59:16 PM   
stormiKnightBEAR


Posts: 306
Joined: 3/14/2004
Status: offline 		nessie,

you've been given very good answers on several of the points here.
Without question, your questions were well founded and called for.
Why? Because they were important to you. The did raise the flag
just enough for you to say .... HEY!!!

There will be those that disagree..... and stormi is very used to being
disagreed with.. LOL.. oh well. (This girl is the last to question
online relationships. Why?... because unlike popular belief, stormi
does actually try to stay out of reach of the flames.)

That said. Regardless of whether it's online or offline, if you are submissive
and you have your boundaries, then be clear on them, crystal clear, so there
are no doubts. stormi's advice to the Dominant would be the same. If you
expect certain things in the exploration of a relationship, be clear on them.
No sub/slave/Dom/Master can read the other's mind. Trust stormi on this.
(stormi constantly has tried this and failed with Master, finding her mind
reading skills are way off the mark).

Quiet frankly, if someone (on/offline) tried to call stormi property without
the benefit of collar and commitment (which stormi does not understand
how that works online) and it was understood that stormi was submissive,
it might be pointed out nicely a time or two and then very pointedly every
time after that.

nessie, no one, absolutely no one can make anyone else's decisions.
We can agree / disagree and that's about it. With that said please understand
something, from a girl who has not always listened to her inner voice,
who has not always ran when she should have, and ended with alot of heartache
instead,...... you need to listen to your gut. Someone once told me that
if your gut says it's wrong it's wrong. We always know what
the right choice is if we listen to our inner voice.

Trust this girl when she tells you that the price of not listening is very high.
It rears it's ugly head occassionally in relationships that mean everything to you.
It causes quality time to be spent repairing and trying to form the words to cover
the hurt/damage that has been done.

This is more than stormi normally lets out.... things that go on inside, those things
that count. But maybe they will help you or someone else.

That said this girl is shutting up now!!

Good luck,
stormi
property of Master Bear



_____________________________

owned white silk slave of TEMJI aka Master Bear

PROUD TO BE TEXAN AND AMERICAN BY BIRTH~
GOD BLESS TEXAS AND THE U.S.A !!!!

(in reply to nessie02)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Mistakes and Apologies - 1/1/2005 9:41:32 PM   
Nvernilla


Posts: 303
Joined: 10/1/2004
Status: offline 		Blowing it out of proportion? However strong your feelings are should define proportion in any case....

(in reply to nessie02)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Mistakes and Apologies - 1/2/2005 4:11:46 AM   
OrientalMistress


Posts: 34
Joined: 11/7/2004
Status: offline 		I think that it is time for you to sit down with your "Master" and determine exactly what position you each see yourselve. It could be an oversight that He called you a s"slave" ....
Is His apology adequate...YES...His first initial message charged that you ahd failed to answer questions that you apparently had done. He also mentions a very crucial point for cyber relationships: if you cannot, ro some reason, comply with a direction or meet a deadline given...at the very least send the Dom/me a brief explanation begging His permission to extend the deadline. That is only courteous.
Still, if He thinks of you as a slave...as His property...when you do not see it that way, now is the time to discuss it...

May wisdom guide your pathway...
Oriental Mistress

(in reply to nessie02)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Mistakes and Apologies - 1/2/2005 4:36:19 AM   
nella


Posts: 1243
Joined: 12/30/2004
From: Norway
Status: offline 		Jusr felt like adding somthing here. I am bad a apologys, and i have a temper. So if i end up for exaple in an argument whit my mother and say things that i should not, then i might say i am sorry later, but for her often, that do not sound good enoh. You have a right to be upset, that is a feeling we all have, but ask yourself, perhaps he is just not good at apologying. And remember Dom`s are not perfect either, they to have things they need to work on.

And one more thing, how is your relationship, some Dom`s might feel that they do not need to make a big deal out of apologising to their sub for a mistake they did sinse they do not feel that they should have to answer to the sub, if this is the kind of realtionship you have then he might be right in what he did, or if you have not he might be wrong and be bad to apology.

My humble advise is to talk to him, perhaps it is not as bad as you first belived.

(in reply to OrientalMistress)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Mistakes and Apologies - 1/2/2005 7:34:03 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

he had sent me another email that morning wanting an answer to the email he had sent the other night (I hadn't had time to write him, my emails usually take me about two hours or more to write) and I think in my rush to finish the questions for him I forgot to ever mention it. That one was way my fault. I never did mention his attachment.


Ahhhhh, the 'beauty' of an on-line relationship.

Can the keeper of records refer to this thread in answer to the question; "Do (or How Do...) on-line relationships work?"

(in reply to nessie02)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Mistakes and Apologies - 1/2/2005 8:34:41 AM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

Ahhhhh, the 'beauty' of an on-line relationship.

Can the keeper of records refer to this thread in answer to the question; "Do (or How Do...) on-line relationships work?"


I have to disagree with this statement. The two of you know me. You know I stand up for what I believe in. For some reason this whole idea that online relationships do not work just gets to me.
Just because they don't work for you does not mean they do not work for other's. They would'nt work for me either. That is me. I'm with you in that belief. Yet, I am not someone to say they do not work for other's. I do know some who adore them. They live them. They fulfill them. So, who am I to say they cannot be fulfilling when I know they can be?

When I read that within the post. I thought to myself...hmm..this is a man who is not really reading what the submissive sends to him. Yet, expects her to be perfect when he cannot even be. In my mind he is one who would punish for absolutely no reason. One to punish because hey, he thinks he can.
A lot of alledged doms punish for the hellof it.

Anyway, that was my take on the comments. Not that online relationships do not work. I know I am an individual and what works for me may not work for you. More people than we realize are living them right now.
I think we can agree to say, nobody truly likes them. However the circumstances at the time may not warrant being next to each other all of the time. We learn to live with what we have.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Mistakes and Apologies - 1/2/2005 8:56:51 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

I'm with you in that belief. Yet, I am not someone to say they do not work for other's. I do know some who adore them. They live them. They fulfill them. So, who am I to say they cannot be fulfilling when I know they can be?


Gloria,
Taking the sarcastic antecedent out of my post, my suggesting to point to this thread as an example of on-line relationships was neutral. In any case isn't this the type of dialogue to expect?

(in reply to sub4hire)
Profile   Post #: 20
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