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What goes on in your mind? - 8/25/2006 7:12:31 PM

EmpressLeo

Posts: 13
Joined: 8/25/2006
Status: offline

Hi, I'm new to the whole BDSM thing and as someone who wants to be a Domme, I want to better understand the mind of a sub. What do you think about? Why do you wish to serve your D/M? What kind of experiences have you had that as a future Domme, I should avoid doing (although I'm sure that it varies from person to person)? Any feedback would be great. I'm trying to do as much research as I can before actively finding a sub or at least actively making Myself available.

_____________________________

"I AM the Jesus Piece"

Post #: 1

RE: What goes on in your mind? - 8/25/2006 7:18:02 PM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

Hmm, this might become an interesting read. As a Domme, I ahve been trying to do this for a long time. Asking my boy "what are you thinking" works, to a point. But a lot of times, its just about me. Not about how he sees himself.

DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to EmpressLeo)

Post #: 2

RE: What goes on in your mind? - 8/25/2006 8:09:23 PM

HarryVanWinkle

Posts: 1720
Joined: 5/8/2006
Status: offline

Looking at your profile, I see you live in L.A. There is a thriving, real life BDSM community in L.A. My recommendation is to join it, get to know people, doms subs and switches and ask them face to face. You'll learn more in an afternoon at some place like DeSade's Lair than you will in a month on Collarme.

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 3

RE: What goes on in your mind? - 8/25/2006 8:13:43 PM

mstrjx

Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline

You ask a question to subs/slaves, and of course the first people to answer are the D/M's. Speaks volumes, yes?

As a new dominant, you need to pay attention. Watch what is happening, even if the other person can't (such as being blindfolded). (Some people when they are new 'won't' blindfold someone because they think they need to see the other person's eyes to be able to gauge what is going on.

More on attention: Listen to what the other person is saying, but know well enough what 'isn't' being said. Not all submissives know how to communicate, especially in the heat of the moment.

Question to ask yourself: What is my motivation? Either with Submissive X or in general. This will help guide you to guide a scene or a relationship. If it's 'all about you' (expecting yourself to be the center of attention), then you will probably choose to do things a certain way. If it's 'all about the submissive' (crafting their path and making them the center of your attention), then you might handle things differently.

I know what works for me, and how I have handled myself since the beginning. But my methods aren't the only way to go.

Figure yourself out before you fiddle with others. Things will work out much better that way.

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to EmpressLeo)

Post #: 4

RE: What goes on in your mind? - 8/25/2006 8:21:14 PM

ToServeIsToLive

Posts: 222
Joined: 11/16/2005
Status: offline

I think about a lot of things... I spend probably way too much time lost in thought, and not all of it is lifestyle related. When serving a Mistress I'm usually thinking about her; it gets to be kind of a natural groove or something (hard for me to put in words). Why I wish to serve is to feel that natural warm feeling I get when I do, but there's other motivations for me as far as S/m goes as opposed to D/s. They also mix together in ways too so it gets complicated. I imagine everyones got differences as far as motivation goes though (and everything else).

It's more important to find what you want and then seek those who aren't looking to avoid them then look for things to avoid. Everyones different so there's no laundry list of things to absolutely avoid although I guess there are things like don't kill the sub, extort money from them, etc.

I hate (well hates probably too strong) it when people ask me what I'm thinking when I'm lost in thought. Usually causes me to snap out of it and lose my train of thought and then I can't answer it : ( but that's probably something weird with me.

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 5

RE: What goes on in your mind? - 8/25/2006 8:46:46 PM

EmpressLeo

Posts: 13
Joined: 8/25/2006
Status: offline

quote:

Figure yourself out before you fiddle with others.

That really stood out. Thanks, everyone for your input. I'm just searching for the right path before I take that first step into the unknown. But then again, I tend to do more searching than acting. Here's to breaking that habit. Thanks again!

_____________________________

"I AM the Jesus Piece"

(in reply to mstrjx)

Post #: 6

RE: What goes on in your mind? - 8/25/2006 9:01:58 PM

Owned1

Posts: 847
Joined: 7/6/2005
From: Toronto, Ontario
Status: offline

Welcome to the wonderful world of kink and the cm forum Empress. First off I would like to say you are moving in the right direction asking for feedback and seeking information. There are many excellent resources both in real books and on the web. The first step is to know oneself, know what it is you are looking for and what you want to try, be, experience.

The next step is to educate yourself, on the mental physical and emotional aspects of this life. There are many different views, at the end of the day you decide what you want for you then seek it.

The suggestion to get out to the local community is a wonderful one, you can even go so far as to find a mentor, one who will assist you in your journey, that person imho is best found in the flesh rather than online.

If you have questions ask, dont worry about the flames it happens to all of us and you will at some point get flamed.

Over all enjoy and hang on for a wonderful ride.

Owned

_____________________________

~~in His Chains i am free~~

(in reply to EmpressLeo)

Post #: 7

RE: What goes on in your mind? - 8/25/2006 9:08:54 PM

joshua69

Posts: 84
Joined: 2/19/2006
Status: offline

What if Jessica Alba were a Domme? That’s what goes on in my mind. A lot.

(in reply to Owned1)

Post #: 8

RE: What goes on in your mind? - 8/25/2006 9:37:42 PM

greysunnydays

Posts: 17
Joined: 6/26/2006
Status: offline

What do you think about?

Well, to answer that queston..in a strictly D/s mode I think about what exactly I can do to please my Sir. How I can drop little hints in hopes to let Him know that the Dragon's tail He owns is a bad evil toy, but Sir is a Sadist and it only makes Him happy when I squeal. -Grumbles.- Another thought that often run into...is what exactly would Master like (Which is differernt then the above question.). It gets very confusing sometimes. 2/3 of those things aren't always the easiet things to come up with answers for.

Why do you wish to serve your D/M?

Because, in pleasing Him in giving Him what He wants and enjoys, I feel the most freedom, I have ever felt. I care for my Sir even though I've only been here three weeks, and nothing makes me happier then when I hear the words "Good girl" uttered out of His mouth.

What kind of experiences have you had that as a future Domme, I should avoid doing?

Look before you leap. If you're going into a play party or...in a single session...make SURE you know what you are doing. Know where to hit someone with pretty canes and floggers before you go swinging blindly at 'em.

Read up on after care, if you don't already understand it.

Respect safe words...and learn to monitor your sub/slave.

That's all. I'm sorry if these seemed like commands....just my little opinon. I'm glad you want to learn before picking up a whip, or collaring someone. You already have my respect for that! Have a nice night!

_____________________________

I dont wanna
Break these chains
Poison
One look could kill
My pain, your thrill
I want to love you but I better not
Touch
I want to hold you but my senses
Tell me to stop

-Alice Cooper 'Poison'

(in reply to joshua69)

Post #: 9

RE: What goes on in your mind? - 8/25/2006 10:47:34 PM

gardenbluebird

Posts: 131
Joined: 5/9/2006
Status: offline

When i am playing with Master most of the time i'm not thinking about much at all. In general i tend to think too much and be hyper-responsible. When i am in my slave role i get to set my thoughts and worries and responsibilities aside and simply enjoy my time with Him. That time is my opportunity to reconnect with my emotions rather than my thoughts.

Some common sense guidelines - Submissives and slaves are people too, treat them with dignity. Always honor safewords. Talk about things first, don't assume. Also, it is better to leave a sub wanting a little more than wishing there had been less.

(in reply to EmpressLeo)

Post #: 10

RE: What goes on in your mind? - 8/26/2006 12:56:02 AM

Steelriven

Posts: 300
Joined: 12/26/2005
Status: offline

Soak in as much information as you can get your hands on... A small suggestion, you could try submitting yourself for a little while to better understand a submissive's point of veiw.

Don't be afraid, or embaressed to ask questions. You don't ask, you don't learn...

As far as me personally. What do I think about? It depends on the situation. If I am being punished I'm concentrating on that. Perhaps how I have dissapointed my dominant, or a simple "ow that hurts, but I so deserve it."

_____________________________

steelriven who's just a lil_twisted

-Don't asume, instead ask.

(in reply to gardenbluebird)

Post #: 11

RE: What goes on in your mind? - 8/26/2006 1:33:17 AM

mons

Posts: 2400
Joined: 11/16/2005
Status: offline

greetings

you on the right track but you must know why you the way you are. i first learn this my way i learn what i liked what type of punishment, beating,, things that turn me on a slave will do what he can do have it all they are and it is normal for them to want to do all to please you but in return they are really topping they may want to do oral always but just saying i am doing this for you when in realtiy it the one thing they like must so the key is to not give them this make this work for it and as you this know slave then ask what and why he is this way
best of luck mons

(in reply to EmpressLeo)

Post #: 12

RE: What goes on in your mind? - 8/26/2006 4:20:38 AM

nicochan

Posts: 78
Joined: 5/19/2005
Status: offline

Welcome!

Out of scene, since my Master's wife teaches and is also studying for her Phd, I try to do things around the apartment that will make her life easier. Master keeps tabs on me though, as sometimes there is not much to do and He tells me, "I might even dirty up some dishes just for it, so it can have chores to do."

I always think about what would be best and most convenient for them and not myself, for instance if His wife is not home yet I start on the dishes or tidy up so she can come home to a clean apartment. It relieves much of her stress. If I am at home, Master asks me to look up information for Him for fun things to do or school sometimes. Speaking of school, He wants me to finish school and get a good job, so the three of us can be together and I will contribute to the household. He would prefer for me to get A's in my classes each semester, but He says that as long as I try my best it's okay, and I am still a good girl. I love hearing that.

When we are scening, it is often my Master and I, as His wife prefers to socialize, though she does join in from time to time. I have to tell Him when something is hurting or too much for me, but He can usually read me very well. I am wondering what He will decide to do next, or what female friend of ours He will pick to stroke her hands along my back between harsher groups of repititions. I do try to be stoic unless things are very painful, because I want to please Him, but also I know that the endorphins will kick in with a little more time. Soon he will be wailing away on me while I'm reduced to little happy noises and moanings, and He loves making me feel that way. Sometimes I am scared, but I fully trust Him. I know that people can do anything, and He could hurt me if He so desired, but I trust Him with my life and know that His little threats are just to excite me and change things up a bit. Sometimes He and/or His wife interrogate me about things I am supposed to do at home, or make me count the number of strikes, or something else that makes me think, but mostly because he know that I like it and because he knows that my brain is applesauce and I can barely think enough to speak, heh.

He and His wife tease me all the time, but the way they do it is only a little tease and a lot of humor. If He has me doing 3rd grade math in subspace that will go on the white board for sure... probably as "Un-learned math."

Most of it is in jest, though. No matter what I do, even if it is when they are laughing, one of my Owners tells me, "it's a good girl," and I love to hear it. Even if I am deep into subspace, I know I will hear that. I love the sound of His voice and the sounds of whatever He is using on me, it's all I hear through the fog of endorphins and it's so captivating. It's especially sweet to hear during aftercare when all I can do is make happy noises and short sentences while he pets me. I am just glad to know that they are pleased with me, or that they love me. For Sir it can mean both, but He has not told me how to tell the difference yet, or if there is one. He has actually said "I love you," a few times, but very rarely and as a surprise. The night He presented me with my eternity collar, I knelt before him and felt so much emotion that I couldn't help crying. He touched my face and said, "it's a good girl... it knows I love it, right, even though I do not say it much? I feel so happy and glad to have you in my life." To hear that was so incredible. I could hardly believe it, because I try very hard to please Him and His wife. I want to earn their love, because I am so happy that I am their girl, and their girlfriend. I want to "earn my keep" and "pay back" to them what I feel I owe to them for having me and loving me, I would love for the three of us to always be together. He is my first Master, and I am His first slave, though we both knew a lot when we started... I learned from Him and He through me, and His wife through us. We have pushed limits and learn things all the time. It is something we do with no one else and it is special to the three of us. I feel so unworthy, but so happy. I would do anything for them to be happy, and I hope that I please them. They are always on my mind.

Sorry for rambling.

It gets me going just thinking, heh.

(in reply to mons)

Post #: 13

RE: What goes on in your mind? - 8/26/2006 5:35:09 AM

twicehappy

Posts: 2706
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

Everyone seems to have given you great advice but i will add a little more here.

Find someone you trust and experience a scene(just an easy one) from the submissive side, you need to have an understanding of what happens inside your head when that last restraint goes on and you know you are helpless.

Test any new or unfamiliar toys on yourself so you learn to gauge the intensity of the sensation it produces, the inside of your arm is a good place to experiment with floggers, clamps, even wax.

Learn to watch people's faces; this will give you a better way of judging the reactions of your playmate.

Do your research when considering trying something new you have read or heard about; bear in mind that occasionally folks will write fantasies like they have done these things. Some things sound like a reasonable idea but in truth could present serious health risks to your subbie (one thread in here suggested using poison ivy as a punishment, a very bad idea).

Welcome to the boards and the lifestyle; relax and enjoy yourself it can be quite addicting.....

_____________________________

Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations.

The human heart is not a finite container but an ever expanding universe with all the stars contained there in.

(in reply to EmpressLeo)

Post #: 14

RE: What goes on in your mind? - 8/26/2006 6:13:45 AM

ownedjulia

Posts: 218
Joined: 10/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: EmpressLeo

Hi, I'm new to the whole BDSM thing and as someone who wants to be a Domme, I want to better understand the mind of a sub. What do you think about? Why do you wish to serve your D/M? What kind of experiences have you had that as a future Domme, I should avoid doing (although I'm sure that it varies from person to person)? Any feedback would be great. I'm trying to do as much research as I can before actively finding a sub or at least actively making Myself available.

I think about all sorts of things from how best can I please Master to wats on TV tonight.
A sub/slave is no different in thought from any other. I just think that sometimes we concentrate more thought on service that others do.

Why do I want to serve my Master?

Because he listens to me, respects me, pushes me, shows *ME* what I am capable of and empowers me.

_____________________________

~julia
owned slave and proud of it!

(in reply to EmpressLeo)

Post #: 15

RE: What goes on in your mind? - 8/26/2006 6:42:18 AM

sweetslave22

Posts: 2
Joined: 8/17/2005
Status: offline

Hello Mistress,
well i can't explain You why i like to serve.Its a thing i discovered when i was about 18 years old and since then i really enjoy being a slave.Everytime i want to pass my limits.I think everybody his dominant or sub,You can't be no one of them.
:-)

(in reply to ownedjulia)

Post #: 16

RE: What goes on in your mind? - 8/26/2006 6:46:48 AM

eyesopened

Posts: 2798
Joined: 6/12/2006
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline

One thing i had a wonderful Dom teach me is to NOT think too much but allow myself to BE pleasing not concentrait on DOing. When i think of what i can do to please a Dom i am actually focusing on me (as in what can *i* do? how do *i* look, etc.) So i strive to focus solely on HIM. What does HE need, what does HE feel, etc. The beautiful beautiful paradox is that being enslaved i can really be free, by shifting my focus away from myself i gain the most.

_____________________________

Proudly owned by InkedMaster. He is the one i obey, serve, honor and love.

No one is honored for what they've received. Honor is the reward for what has been given.

(in reply to ownedjulia)

Post #: 17

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