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What the heck is going on?? - 1/3/2005 2:51:05 AM

Posts: 14
Joined: 12/27/2004
Status: offline

Dear Sirs,
I am so close right now to giving up my quest to find a Dom and write this post in exasperation!When i found this site approx six days ago I was so excited i have suppressed my submissive tendencies for years and couldnt believe I found so many like minded people when i posted my ad and recieved alot of replies i was delighted and flattered by the response but now 5 days later i am questioning whether i should continue this search and want to know what i am doing wrong,In 5 days I have had a 'Dom' ask me if I am sexually interested in children,one ask me for money,one who wasnt a Dom atall and wasted my time claiming he was and another who said he would post on the site that I am not serious just coz i wouldnt strip down and whip myself the first time we spoke on the phone!! am i coming on too strong or do they just sense my naivety?...well I am not that naive but I can hand on heart say I don't know what I am doing wrong with my approach I do seem to get into someone really quickly when they appeal to me but i thought I could be open within this lifestyle I dont usually gush to guys about how much i like them but thought as a sub it would be ok for me to chase a Dom a bit shouln't it?should i not mention that i am new to the scene ?I do admit i rushed into a trap in the beggining but even now after trying to refine my techniques I have no luck (the whipping incident happened today) right now i could just scream.

any advice would be appreciated (sorry for chattering away) and please do not see this post as an attack on the Doms on collarme I just want to know whats up with the one's i encounter.

Thankyou (and I havent withdrawn my profile i had to re-do it coz i got told off by a Dom for using caps)

< Message edited by Nikita -- 1/3/2005 2:55:47 AM >

RE: What the heck is going on?? - 1/3/2005 3:22:25 AM

nella

Posts: 1243
Joined: 12/30/2004
From: Norway
Status: offline

I have been facing the same problems. Me and my Dom have been looking for some other Dominants to draw into our relationship, perhaps some other submissives to, and pepole tolearn from, but you will not belive the amount of crap we have gotten. My advice is to contiune looking, they say 90 percent of everything is crap so you just have to shave of those 90 percent to find the gold.

(in reply to Nikita)

RE: What the heck is going on?? - 1/3/2005 3:58:16 AM

Posts: 13
Joined: 12/30/2004
From: Florida
Status: offline

I'm also going through a similar experience 'finding' people. I've quickly come to realize that the whole proecess may possibly take a lot longer than I'd originally imgagined (though maybe that's not a bad thing). I too would very much like to pursue the lifestyle however I'm having a hard time "figuring out what to do next" (and with whom). I'm a beginner, by all aspects of the word. I don't claim to be anything but eager to learn and get involved. Unfortunately however thus far its been bubkuss.

On a more personal note I've also noticed a lack of black males in the lifestyle. Not quite sure what this is all about but its kinda making me feel even moreso a bit bewildered. I know how important honesty and trust thus I make sure to let it be known of my inexperience. It seems however that in doing so I disqualify myself.

Whasss da deal?

_____________________________

_77Cables
"Think"

(in reply to nella)

RE: What the heck is going on?? - 1/3/2005 5:02:08 AM

Posts: 4145
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: UK
Status: offline

Sweet Nikita...welcome to the world of online advertisement!

Unfortunately... to gain the most precious, sometimes one has to learn from the bad... One thing You need to do is BE YOURSELF. If You cannot be true to yourself and be comfortable with who you are and how you portray yourself, then how can one submit?... To the Dom that told You not to use caps... well, that just shows ignorance. Are You His? Do You submit to Him?... If the answer is no on both counts and if using caps is comfortable for you... then use caps. Changing for His preference is a sign of submission... (it isnt law for a sub/slave not to cap)... and if You submit in this then He may percieve you would submit in other ways... and this in turn may end up very difficult when You decide to say no.

Any Dominant respectful towards you would not ask a slave or sub who is not theirs to do anything that changes who that sub/slave is, unless previosly arranged. Period.

Unfortunately... as in all things, there are those who would abuse their position. But as long as you are true to yourself, then they will have a greater difficulty in abusing you.

Remember that if you sense that 'red flag' going up... this site has a great 'block' button.

Love, peace and welcome!

_____________________________

.dark.

...i surrender to gravity and the unknown...

(in reply to Nikita)

RE: What the heck is going on?? - 1/3/2005 5:34:29 AM

Posts: 7
Joined: 1/2/2005
Status: offline

Quite often, when females are new to any set of forums, they are immediately seen as "fresh meat" and every troll under the bridge comes out to try to show their wares (or lack thereof).

As Angel replied, the first thing you really need to do is decide what you want, what you can realistically give and receive, and how the whole dynamic of BDSM will apply to you in a way that makes you happy. Once you set certain standards for yourself and what you are seeking, you will become very adept at brushing aside all the morons and maintaining a search for the Dominant you seek.

If this is something you truly desire, you will simply modify your approach rather than quit seeking. It often takes time to come across the person for you, no different than in the vanilla realm. Perhaps if you see a profile of someone that piques your interest, introduce yourself rather than waiting for the "magical one" to find you. Any serious Dominant will respect you and your goals and not try to rush you into anything.

Best of luck to you!

Shady

(in reply to darkinshadows)

RE: What the heck is going on?? - 1/3/2005 5:54:16 AM

Posts: 4145
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: UK
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MrSneeks

I know how important honesty and trust thus I make sure to let it be known of my inexperience. It seems however that in doing so I disqualify myself.

Whasss da deal?

From a personal point of view, I find that a Dominant who is open to giving such information of admitting His inexperience most refreshing. A submissive or slave wishing to give of herself in service and submission to a Dominant should see that every Dominant is 'new'... at least in this new relationship. A dominant practised in all things and 'knows it' could be a very dangerous liason indeed.

Peace and love upon your journey.

_____________________________

.dark.

...i surrender to gravity and the unknown...

(in reply to MrSneeks)

RE: What the heck is going on?? - 1/3/2005 6:24:24 AM

Posts: 483
Status: offline

nikita, nella, & sneeks,

Don't give up, there are people here that are honest and good.

It may take a while, and you may have to deal with the garbage out there, but with patience, you will find what you seek.

Use your instincts, and take chances with those that deserve them.

Stay away from people that want to cyber or use the phone sexually, this will eliminate alot of the wannabes, and fakes.

Good luck, have patience, and most importantly, have fun!

PS. I met my sub here, and 6 months later we are going strong!

_____________________________

If I got smart with you.................
How would you know?

(in reply to darkinshadows)

RE: What the heck is going on?? - 1/3/2005 8:31:02 AM

jillwfsub4blkdom

Posts: 375
Joined: 7/2/2004
Status: offline

MrSneeks,
There is a group called Dark Connections on yahoo which might change Your opinion on the lack of black male Dominants. They also have a website. If You need any further info, will be more than happy to find the links.

jill

_____________________________

"It's the moment that transcends
Our physical into a more spiritual level of understanding" - Musiq

(in reply to MrSneeks)

RE: What the heck is going on?? - 1/3/2005 8:42:20 AM

Posts: 1675
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Tidewater, VA
Status: offline

M. Sneeks-

I have come to the conclusion that the majority of people online are looking for more ways to not meet new people. Really, if you want to meet people, you have to get out and meet people.

Out in the Scene, here in the NY metro area, I see a fair amount of black males- not representive of the general population, perhaps, but they are out there. I couldn't really say why one doesn't see more.

As to your lack of experiance, we have discussed it elsewhere, and, like anything else, it takes time and effort, but really is surmountable.

Good luck in your hunt

Stay warm,
Lawrence

_____________________________

-there is no remission without blood-

(in reply to MrSneeks)

RE: What the heck is going on?? - 1/3/2005 8:46:48 AM

Posts: 2203
Joined: 5/11/2004
From: Scranton, PA
Status: offline

Your post confuses me because it sounds like you're chatting with every knucklehead that writes to you. You should at least be screening them by reading their profiles before replying; better yet to look at all the guys' ads and write to the ones who sound like the type you'd like to get to know.

< Message edited by happypervert -- 1/3/2005 8:49:35 AM >

_____________________________

"Get a bicycle. You will not regret it if you live." . . . Mark Twain

(in reply to Nikita)

RE: What the heck is going on?? - 1/3/2005 8:55:27 AM

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Joined: 12/30/2004
Status: offline

Yes happypervert I know now how stupid i was but I did try to answer every message I recieved I was trying to be polite but since this has gotten me nowhere I have ceased this practice.
nikita

(in reply to happypervert)

RE: What the heck is going on?? - 1/3/2005 9:03:04 AM

Posts: 1881
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

A good rule of thumb (that has done wonders for me) is to refuse to write erotica (or deal with people who require online servitude). Save it for 'in person' interaction. That will dramatically cut down on the number of males who interact with you and cut the wheat from the chaffe in terms of experienced people who understand that a 'relationship' takes time - real time.

Unless you ENJOY writing erotica for strangers, just understand that you will get what you put into something. If you put a lot of energy into 'submitting' online then you are going to attract a lot of people who are looking for online titillation (and there are a TON of them).

I don't have those kinds of interaction, nor will I allow someone to direct me in that direction. Not unless it's someone that I've met r/t often enough to know that I want to continue in that direction. Then I use online as an enhancement to r/t and to stay in touch with people I have befriended.

It keeps the control in my corner. Until you are willing to submit it's a good idea to keep your personal control in your corner. Just don't be willing to submit until you've established a r/t relationship with someone. It will reduce your playing field to people who are more willing to be respectful and patient and that's never a bad thing in a dominant.

_____________________________

“The more you love, the more you can love—and the more intensely you love. Nor is there any limit on how many you can love. If a person had time enough, he could love all of that majority who are decent and just.”
- Robert Heinlein

(in reply to Nikita)

RE: What the heck is going on?? - 1/3/2005 9:35:00 AM

Posts: 156
Joined: 8/12/2004
Status: offline

I agree,talking as adults about other common interests and refusing to "Play" online will filter out most of the hng's and posers very quickly. I don't mention ANYTHING about play in my profile,since the relationship dynamic at the mental level is where it begins for me.

This generally keeps bottoms far away. Which was the intent, I'm more than a sex toy for a "do me bottom."

If you are frustrated, I'd suggest going back and redoing your profile to take out refferrences that would atract the more common sex seekers you find in places like this,and replace them with higher standards to discourage wannbes.

And take it with a grain of salt...The vast majority here, or on any bdsm site, are "play fixated" and don't have much of a clue beyond that.

Just kill the correspondance abruptly when such come on to you, and have patience. It's not easy to find serious people online, OR off,for that matter.

(in reply to MizSuz)

RE: What the heck is going on?? - 1/3/2005 10:21:33 AM

Posts: 4
Joined: 12/30/2004
Status: offline

Thankyou for your advice everyone but what is playing?isnt it normaL fo a perspective Dom to question you about past experience and likes and dislikes and maybe your limits online? are you not to indulge in this?if not how will you know whether they are what you are seeking?

(in reply to RealityFix)

RE: What the heck is going on?? - 1/3/2005 11:07:17 AM

Posts: 156
Joined: 8/12/2004
Status: offline

What the more experienced here are trying to say about "play" is that it's red flag if people contacting you ONLY talk about that.

It's usually the hallmark of the fantasy based or inexperienced to be that narrowly obessive. People who go trolling ONLY for sex are usually rather relationship challenged,they just dont see the bigger picture of the PERSON they are talking to. They just have a selfish desire to get thier rocks off. In other words,USERS and not a very good sort.

I keep saying it over and over,play is EASY..Any fool with a reasonable amount of grey matter and physical coordination can do it.

But relationships and trust take time,and you can't short-cut it, and go straight to the meat. So be wary of people who refuse to follow proper proceedure to get there...It's a big red flag that you are either dealing with a wannabe or a sociopath if they "can't be bothered".

I can't be bothered with people who WON'T.

< Message edited by RealityFix -- 1/3/2005 11:10:03 AM >

(in reply to nikitasweet)

RE: What the heck is going on?? - 1/3/2005 11:12:38 AM

Posts: 483
Status: offline

If God intended us to cyber, He would have given us 3 hands!

Skip the cyber, and phone freaks, reach out and touch someone real!

You can't be in a real relationship if you are only dealing with this person online!

_____________________________

If I got smart with you.................
How would you know?

(in reply to RealityFix)

RE: What the heck is going on?? - 1/3/2005 11:19:40 AM

Posts: 1675
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Tidewater, VA
Status: offline

Midear Nikita-

'Playing' refers to actually doing this stuff (bdsm), either for real or in the machine. I actually tend to use 'working' instead, and you may also see it refered to as 'sceneing', 'doing a scene' or sessioning, etc.

I might ask a prospect about their past experiance with this stuff, But probaly not untill I consider them a prospect- I am more interested in who they are, and what it is that they are looking for. That's got more to do with what I am looking for then where they have been.

Someone who tries to promote thier notion of correct discourse, or protocol, before there is some agreement of an interaction, is likely not someone who actually does this stuff much. For me, online 'Sir-ing' me excessivly, Using some bizarre mangled grammar, or calling me by a title isn't showing much respect- showing up and doing it is...

Stay warm,
Lawrence

_____________________________

-there is no remission without blood-

(in reply to nikitasweet)

RE: What the heck is going on?? - 1/3/2005 11:22:03 AM

Posts: 378
Joined: 1/19/2004
Status: offline

Mr. Sneeks--

My first Master of 4 years and Master whom I serve now are both black.

There are definately black men in the lifestyle, but I will admit both found me, I didn't go down to the corner shop and find them sitting on the counter.

I know that Master belongs to a yahoo group, it is probably the Dark Connections that Jill mentioned.

(in reply to MrSneeks)

RE: What the heck is going on?? - 1/3/2005 11:54:00 AM

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

nikitasweet.......
Yes it is normal for Dominants to ask those kind of questions of you, but usually I would think after a much longer period of getting to know one another. If that is His primary focus I would explain to Him that other than basic play categories....specifics are to be shared much farther down the road. He should want to get to know who you are as a person first......at least for me. There are just so many guys on here and elsewhere that are just looking to solve their "morning wood" issue, that i just politely refuse to get into those types of conversations with anyone. Just because you are submissive does not mean that you need to confide all of your thoughts, experiences and fantasies to each and every "Dom" that asks. If it does not feel right to you then you have every right to say no. Your instincts are your most valuable tool.......listen to them and never second guess them. Hope this helps.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to nikitasweet)

RE: What the heck is going on?? - 1/3/2005 12:13:16 PM

Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

(edit spelling) One of the things I do is mentor and the first thing I tell subs is-- until you agree to a Dom/me you are in the interviewing stages---and make that very known loud and clear, I AM SEEKING--until I give permission or decide, I am still free to seek-- and yes there are tons of friggin wannbes out there these days, thats why we demand you all go back to safecalls, references etc. There are more cybers it seems too--this site has proven to have more of the genuine lifestylers, however bondage.com has changed its rules so we will see more here.. and like you have been told, you have a gift, its precious, guard it well--but it does take time. Good luck

< Message edited by MHOO314 -- 1/3/2005 12:14:21 PM >

_____________________________

SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor

(in reply to mistoferin)

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