SusanofO
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Joined: 12/19/2005
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quote:
ORIGINAL: porcelaine
The following is being posted in conjunction to a similar thread begun by MisPandora in the Ask the Mistress forum. I would greatly appreciate feedback from all factions, both dominant, switch, and submissive persons.
"Meeting and exceeding customer expectations" is something you see splattered all over big business today. Moreover, the emphasis on quality systems is balancing customer perceptions and customer expectations to ensure that you're delivering the most useful item or service for your client base. From the Disney Corporation to some of the world's top airlines, taking the time to understand the needs and expectations of a customer (a recipient of a service) is the key element to success.
I've recently taken a look at why I've been being failed, and in all fairness, some of these realizations have come down to a failure to be realistic in my expectations, and to adequately communicate them.
That being said, please offer your commentary on the following:
What are your perceptions of service?
**Finding out what someone wants, and making every attempt to ensure they get it, usually with a smile, and without making excuses. If there is a problem with some "link in the service chain", then - a promise to fix it, and a time-line given as to when this will be done - and every sincere effort made to see it will be done by that time. If it really "can't be done" , then a few attempts to see if other avenues of meeting a need are invesitgated, and the consequences are explained, of choosing one of those options instead, before simply standing by routine protocol, simply because the usual and familiar route was not possible.
What are your expectations of a submissive/slave or Dominant?
*I am submissive, so I will reply with expectations of a Dominant. The following are not listed in order of importance to me.
This list is very general, and not all-inclusive. When I re-write my profile, I will go into more detail.
1.Kindess - (even from a Sadist), which I define as a demonstrated capacity for empathy, although I realize this is indeed displayed in a myriad number of ways, different for each person. Sensitivity to other people's feelings.
They don't have to wear it on their sleeve, but if I never see it, or they tell me "why they just don't believe that is "necessary" that's not their "philosophy" or "how they deal with people",etc. I tune out.
*A genuine concern for the welfare of their submissive or slave. I realize a Dominant has much to gain in a D/s relationship, (as does a submissive or slave). I realize a submissive serves a Dominant's needs first. I'm a willing giver, and want to find out what they want, and give it to them. I'd also like to see a bit of evidence that concern for my needs has a place as well. If it doesn't, it's a bad match. I know this kindness can take place even in an M/s relationship with a Sadist, because I've seen evidence of it displayed at CM, here on these boards, and with people I've e-mailed.
*Patience. I can be very patient. I try not to give people reasons to have to be patient with me, but I appreciate that if I do, they try to be patient. I do not want to deal with someone's "hair-trigger" temper, or "anger management issues". A "yeller and screamer" scares me as well. I absolutely abhor fighting and constant bickering, and will do almost anything to avoid it. But, I can appreciate rigorous "discussion", on occasion.
2. Emotional maturity and maturity in general -
*Someone who is always whining about how bad "females" are, or how bad some other general aspect of "life" is, is a red flag for me. Deal with it already. I am normally very caring, but honestly - How can In feel they are someone I can lean on, if all they do is whine? I am not talking about someone who has a genuine problem(s) - everyone has had life situations and relationships that may not have worked out as well as they'd hoped, and sometimes they can take a long time to heal. I understand that. I'd expect I'd hear about these a little bit, in getting to know someone, as time went by (if they wanted to tell me). I am not referring to folks who may be simply going through a rough time. I am talking about people for whom this kind of talk, and way of viewing the world has become an ongoing life "theme". There is a marked difference between the two (for me).
*If someone is also well-skilled in what Frued called "projection" (deflecting their own character traits, usually unsavory ones, onto others, when they see an indication of these in other people), it can scare me off. Sometimes they can seem to spot them everywhere, in almost everyone else. These folks I see as having "issues" and I see them as potentially genuinely abusive. I am not qualified to "help" them.
*Do they live like a responsible "adult"? Do they have a job, or at least an occupation, and a steady stream of income to support themselves? Pay their bills? On time? Get places on time? Can they make a long-range plan to meet a goal, and carry it out? If trouble, or even tragedy strikes their life, do they know how to persevere, or are things always "someone else's fault"?
*Do they relate well to other people, or are they always getting into arguments? Can they stand up for themselves and other people, when they feel it's necessary, and can they discern that there is a difference between doing this, and being a "bully"? Do they have any "support system" (friends, acquaintances)? I do realize some people are "loners, and I think that's fine. I think there is nothing wrong with keeping one's "inner circle" small, but do they know how to make and sustain social relationships?
*Do they live with integrity, or do they frequently say one thing, and do another instead? Do they lie, or steal from other people? Do they keep their promises, or have a good reason why they do not, if they don't? Are they sincere?
3. Intelligence. If they have time, do they read books that are not always related to their line of work? Or newspapers, or news magazines? Do they jump to conclusions? Or can they see several possible reasons a situation or circumstance may have come to pass, and not simply jump to conclusions about what may or may not have happened based on their own past experiences? Do they have insight, and look "below the surface"? Are they curious? Are they observant? It's nice if they are educatd, but certainly not imperative. I know some really intelligent people who are not well-educated.
4. Creativity. Do they enjoy any of these: Writing, drawing, singing, theater, cooking, playing an instrument(s), photography, or building things? Or have another creative interest? Or, can they view things from more than one point of view? Do they have vivid imaginations? Can they see things from unusual perspectives, sometimes?
5. A Sense of Humor. Even if it's subtle and very low-key (sometimes that can be so funny). Or sarcastic (without being truly mean, unless it's "consensual" of course), or just zany. It's all good (I am not big on banana-peel, slap-stick type humor, but even that is better than none at all). It doesn't have to be "on" all the time, or even often. I just have to know it's there, waiting to eventually come out.
6. Strength. Physical strength is nice, but I am really referring to someone who can persevere, and does not run away from situations they may not relish dealing with, without first trying to find a solution that's workable for all concerned. And who is emotionally "together" enough, that I can feel if I need to do it, I can lean on them, and they will make me feel protected and cared for, and like everything (whatever "it" is) is going to turn out just fine . I love feeling protected. I also love being able to look up to someone.
7. Respect and Appreciation. Do they listen to my concerns, if I have them? Or do they denigrate my comments, even if they know I am serious when I express them? Can they demonstrate they already know how to care for someone else's welfare? How did a good relationship work for them in the past? (hopefully, they've had at least one, even it didn't "last"). If there is a real relationship problem (not necessarily a "play" or bdsm activity issue), is their attitude "let's work on this?", or is it always threatening, instead? I need to know I make a positive difference in their life, and thrive on praise, or simply seeing I made someone happy. I need to feel valued and like I make a noticeable positive contribution to their life. How they want to demonstrate that is up to them, but I do need to know, and be able to notice it.
8. Do they know what they are looking for in a submissive or a slave?
How have you come to realize these expectations and perceptions? (Did they come from experience, from things someone told you, from an internet site, or by having negative experiences and not wanting to repeat them again?)
*I've just decided on them over a period of years. Also, my one Dominant had these qualities, as did my father, and some past men in my life that I deeply cared for. They are related to my values, too. People in my life (fortunately) have demonstrated some of these qualities to me in the past. I'm willing to expand the list to add things never considered before, perhaps (but not contract it).
How do you communicate (or not communicate) your expectations?
*Partly via writing descriptions like this one. In a profile, or by gradually getting to know someone whom I've watched, or slightly known for awhile anyway, that I've already discerned, to a degree, does indeed have them. Then via phone or in person meetings, by chatting with them, or having deeper, more involved discussions. Some people, I imagine, might ask me these same questions, and ask me to write down the answers for them in some type of "pre-relationship" exercise.
How do you feel your expectations are met?
If they are more happy or content because I am in their life, and I am also happy or content because they are in mine.
I have pretty accurate "antennae", I think. If something is wrong, I usually pick up on it. I might not mention something is bothering me, unless it is really starting to strike me right between the eyes. Sometimes it can be a judgment call whether to mention something, or not. If I am very anxious, or losing sleep over something (rare, but certainly very possible) I definitely will ask if we can discuss it. I realize this answer is vague. Will try to add more later.
How have they failed?
I've waited far too long( years), in the past, to leave a relationship where my needs were simply neglected and overlooked almost completely. It will not happen to me again, if I can help it. I will say something about it sooner, see if we can both work on the "issue(s) in question together sooner, and I will make a dead-line for leaving sooner if it's not workng at all, if anything similar happens in the future.
I look forward to reading your responses. Thank you in advance.
porcelaine
< Message edited by SusanofO -- 9/6/2006 10:54:23 AM >
_____________________________
"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson
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