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FirmhandKY -> RE: Expectations (9/6/2006 11:19:14 AM)
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What are your perceptions of service?
"Service" isn't just performing chores. Service isn't simply pleasing (or pleasuring) someone. Service is helping and assisting another person in their goals and desires - even if they might not be fully aware of them, themselves. losttreasure's thread sums up a lot of it - fealty. There is a fealty to the soul of the other and that is a two way street, and is all encompassing. Fealty in my mind, covers the consicious stated expectations, but also those things that might not be discussed or realized. Loyalty to another, in mind, body and soul is the premiere criteria of "service".
To me, service is about both being the best person you can be, and assisting your partner in being the best they can be, however you both define "best".
As an analogy, exercise is healthy and there are benefits in all aspects of your life when you regularly and intelligently exercise. But you can also overdo it, and end up with injuries, low body weight and unhealthy.
Service can be similiar.
I think if you are too devoted to what is often called "service" to another, it can be unhealthy. You can lose yourself, your personality, your own balance. Then, instead of a healthy human being standing (laying, bowing) before me, contributing to my goals and desires, I have an object, a burden. While I understand that is what some seek to have, and what some seek to be, it's not what I wish.
This goes to the heart of the age old "sub vs slave" terminology debate. I never enter into those debates, because it is useless. When I was seeking, I only took the self description of a sub as either slave or sub as a slight indication of the depth of desire for service - but even then with a grain of salt.
Some subs who wish to lose themselves in another, and submerge their personality and dissipate their essence to nothing might describe themselves as "slave". This is not the kind of person I was looking for. Some who just want to capture the depth of desire to be of service may use the term "slave" (which was the kind of person I was looking for). And you have no way to know which meaning they intend (and they may not know themselves), unless and until you get to know them deeply.
The ideal of "service" to me, is a pair in which the two partners are the (dominant) right hand, to the (submissive) left hand. Who wants to go through life one handed? A functional body has two hands, and while one may be "dominant", both are usually required to experience a full life. While you can live a healthy life one-handed, the synergy of two effective, supporting hands increases the joy of life exponentially, not arithmetically.
Likewise, who wants a weak and puny left arm, and a super, hyperdeveloped right arm to the point there you tilt to the right when you walk? (yes, I realize there are some ... ).
The main points are:
1. Service is a two way street (some dom's aren't going to agree),
2. Service is - at it's core - a state of mind in loyalty to a whole relationship, not simply to one individual in the relationship.
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What are your expectations of a submissive/slave...?
Read losttreasure's profile.
Expectations are slippery things, ya know? They often change or are mutable, based on the situation and the other person.
Perhaps, in general terms, after "fealty" or "loyalty", I think the most important thing is "perceptiveness". This can include intelligence and education, but intelligence as normally measured and education as in professional schooling doesn't have to be part of it.
Perceptive: Having the ability to perceive; keen in discernment.
Perceptiveness is often in the eye of the beholder. Perhaps it is ego-centric (but hey, I'm a DOM, I get to be ego-centric, don't I? ) but does she agree with me most of the time, or at least understand my point of view? I like to think I'm perceptive - knowledgeable - about people and the world. While I don't expect a sub to match me, I prefer that I don't have to travel the road of appreciation alone. I wish to share my observations, and be shown different, well thought-out and inciteful observations that I missed. I want a discussion, not an argument or a lecture.
I want support in a relationship. Support doesn't have to mean agreement.
This is where a lot of the conflict about religion, politics and sex come into play. We don't have to agree about any of those things. A difference can be exciting, and stimulating. Or it can lead to conflict and anger. You have to judge each individual and situation in the context of your relationship, values and goals. Not always an easy thing to do. But if there is a basic fealty to the relationship and to each other, most such disagreements in viewpoint can fall to the stimulating side of the equation.
The next thing I looked for is the desire and capacity for growth.
I think there is a basic strength to any individual who seeks to stretch themselves, learn new things and experience life.
This doesn't mean it's always easy or that they are an adrenaline junky. Actually, I'm the opposite of an adrenaline junkie, primarily because I intentionally walked the path next to adrenaline junkies for most of my life and think there is a basic lack of self appreciation in many of these people. Something is missing, and they are trying desperately to fill their souls with whatever it is.
But a thirst for knowledge, a thirst for learning and growth ... ahh ... that prevents staleness and cynicism and keeps life interesting.
Summary:
1. Fealty
2. Perceptiveness
3. Desire for growth.
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How have you come to realize these expectations and perceptions? (Did they come from experience, from things someone told you, from an internet site, or by having negative experiences and not wanting to repeat them again?)
Yes. Experiences. Negative and positive. Life in general.
I will say that my focus has changed over my life (of course). While I might have said very similar things when much younger, the older I get, and the more experiences of life and relationships I have had, the more solid in applying my realizations become. I'm at the "won't settle" stage in my life.
I guess you could say that the younger I was, the shallower I was.
Aren't we all like that?
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How do you communicate (or not communicate) your expectations?
Talking. Examples. Observations. The most important issue is time.
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How do you feel your expectations are met? How have they failed?
My expectations have been wildly exceeded. They have not failed, nor do I anticipate they will.
Of course, hewing and staying true to my desires and beliefs has been the key issue. There are other expectations and desires that I've not written about above that have also played a role in my choice, but many of those expectations and desires are "givens" inherent in some of the above points or part of a profile checklist. Such things as the ability to communicate effectively (in particular to be able to write well). Standards of physical attractiveness. Maturity. Sexual compatibility. "Kink" compatibility. Availablity.
FHky
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