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RE: Seeking some advice - 9/10/2006 6:06:00 AM

MisPandora

Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Horadell

Unfortunately, the problem started when she wrote up a list of punishments, so that depending on how much she upset me, it would go according the the chart. Some of the things weren't a problem... but others on the list were out of hand.

No love, the problem was that you allowed her to write the list and kow-towed to her and gave her what she dictated. Yanno what I'd do with that list? I'd stick it up her ass and make her sit in the corner with it up there to think about the next time she thought to tell me how to do my job! She's running the show.

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

(in reply to Horadell)

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Post #: 41

RE: Seeking some advice - 9/10/2006 6:11:40 AM

MisPandora

Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DomSA

Another good resource I have found is this site: http://www.darkheart.com/usalist.html#Florida

It lists various organizations in each state. Go to a meeting or munch. Get to know other people in your area. This is a good place to look for a mentor rather than depend on online guidance only.

He'd definitely benefit from a TNG group or a chapter of Masters and Slaves Together if one is in his vicinity. I'm going to have to dig and find out.

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Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

(in reply to DomSA)

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Post #: 42

RE: Seeking some advice - 9/10/2006 6:19:48 AM

MisPandora

Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
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It's a shame that you don't appear to be closer to Jax. FifthAngel runs this MaST group up there and it'd be right up your alley: http://www.mast.net/chapters/jaxvil/index.htm

SPICE (http://www.spicebdsm.com/) is another great group, however, I think they are east coast. You may want to write them and see if they have any valid connections on the west coast who they can refer you to.

Tampa Fetish Party seems to be a more developed website/group than it used to be, so it might be worth you checking out: http://tampafetishparty.com/index2.htm. Robert has a list of munches in South Florida that might help you meet some male doms who'd be willing to mentor: http://tampafetishparty.com/munch.htm

And if you ever get to the Ft Lauderdale/Pompano Beach area, check out Command Performance and ask for Mistress Carla. She's one hell of a leatherwoman and a fantastic teacher. http://www.commandperformance.net/

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

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RE: Seeking some advice - 9/10/2006 6:49:53 AM

Shrikey

Posts: 5
Joined: 8/6/2006
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I'll have to agree with focus here...When I was 20 theres no way i could have coped...I'm now 38 and have recently entered into my 1st Dom-sub relationship
It seems to me that in my early years it would have seemed more like a game than a total lifestyle change and a new way of life. This I could not have done in my earlier years as I didnt have the emotional experiences needed to totally change my way of thinking...Dont get me wrong I've had problems (lots of them ) my sub is very headstrong and opionated but being a sub is who she is inside, its always been there shes's never had a parnter who is willing to free her from it.
Not really being in a position to pass any kind of judgement as I'm a novice myself, all I can say is that learning and maturity are the key...This is a persons life you are experimenting with and that is something that is never to be taken lightly.

Jon.

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Post #: 44

RE: Seeking some advice - 9/10/2006 7:46:57 AM

zumala

Posts: 1121
Joined: 6/16/2005
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I don't look seriously at Doms who are younger than I am, simply because I'm new to BDSM myself. I need someone with experience. Since I'm 29 and pup is 30, I set my age preference around 37 or up for a potential Dom. Is that a hard and fast rule set in concrete? -- No, but it is a reasonably firm idea in order to help us search for the right person.

zuma

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Post #: 45

RE: Seeking some advice - 9/10/2006 7:47:31 AM

Horadell

Posts: 47
Joined: 9/6/2006
From: SW Florida
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To Pandora:

I know that how I handled the first sub was wrong. I didn't know what to think, didn't even really know to consider it a D/s relationship until later in the course of it. Live and learn.

Aside from that, To your question, and to be honest, I am unfortunate enough to really start questioning myself here while I am already in an established relationship with someone who claims to be a sub. I care deeply for the girl, and I am afraid of changing things on her, even gradually, especially changing back and forth. I don't want to confuse the poor girl and I don't want to confuse myself either, if that makes sense. I have noticed changes in myself since I started this thread, and I don't feel right springing all of these changes on her all at once. I would rather ease her into these changes. The main reason for this? She just started taking a new medication that is affecting her behavior somewhat. If I take a few weeks/months to fully establish the bounderies and make sure she knows them all, fine-tuning as neccessary, as Focus pointed out, it will be easier for her to settle into, rather than dumping a new load of information on her all at once and expecting her to deal. She is a sub, yes... but she is still a person.

If this is my age showing, or me making a wrong decision again, then I will freely admit I am doing what I feel I should, if I am wrong, I am wrong.

Thank You very much for the links and Thank You very much for Your help.

To Focus,

I think my post was a little misleading. I wasn't meaning that I was eliminating her equality. She is a person first, she is just a submissive person. When I first told her about getting more information on BDSM, she was worried I was going to change. I am changing, not extremely, but more, being more defined. I am expressing myself more, I am lowering my tolerance for some things, and I am trying to not let myself fall into her baiting. while my perspective is changing, my feelings for her aren't.If that means that I am young and naive, I won't argue it. If she were a young child, suddenly thrust on my doorstep at age... say... 5, It would take time for me to fully develope bounderies for behavior. I am looking at my relationship with her right now as not something that is easily expendible, replacable, even though it probably could be, but rather something that, given a little work and understanding, could blossom into something much more.

I want to make this statement though...

I want to do what I can to make my relationship work; however, if making it work means lieing to myself about who I am, giving more than I feel I should, and betraying my own feelings, simply to keep her, I can and will find someone else who will be what I need, and will let me be what they need.

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Post #: 46

RE: Seeking some advice - 9/10/2006 9:35:41 AM

spankmepink11

Posts: 1310
Joined: 9/28/2005
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Hi Horadell,

You've been given some wonderful advice on this thread and would do well to heed a great deal of it.

That being said i feel compelled to address the "young Dom/sub" issue. As a middle aged woman, (i'll be (gasp!!) 42 next month) when i started reading and commenting on threads in the forums, one of the first things that came to mind , was much the same as comments made by Focus and others regarding the young not knowing what they want...who they are...etc. Something clicked for me recently though, and it's very similiar to my children telling me i cannot judge their generations actions, by the norm...or standard, that were present 20 years ago...or even 30 years ago.

While i feel that things like courtesy...respect, and responsibility do not fall under that particular umbrella. It does not change the fact that the very reason these young people can so easily identify to a specific orientation, is because the information is out there to help them understand themselves...their desires...their identities, etc. As opposed to 20-30 years ago when those of us in middle age, just ignored those dark desires, or submissive desires...Dominance...what have you, and tried to force ourselves to fit into the norm. All the while feeling there was something wrong...or different about ourselves. It's people like John Warren...and other authors ( sorry...he's the first i could think of off the top of my head) who have written about these subjects, and the availability of the internet for us to connect and have fellowship, of a nature, that make all the years that people like me spent in conflict, and isolation unecessary.
To me, its about options, and the fact that certain options or information was just not as readily available when i was a 20 yr old.
On the same token, as much as i can understand and respect this knowledge and the opinions of younger lifestyle folks, there is no denying that time, and experience can only enhance any wisdom or knowledge that they may already possess.

Just my opinion, hope it makes sense.

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Post #: 47

RE: Seeking some advice - 9/10/2006 11:24:15 PM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Horadell

To Focus,

I think my post was a little misleading. I wasn't meaning that I was eliminating her equality. She is a person first, she is just a submissive person. When I first told her about getting more information on BDSM, she was worried I was going to change. I am changing, not extremely, but more, being more defined. I am expressing myself more, I am lowering my tolerance for some things, and I am trying to not let myself fall into her baiting. while my perspective is changing, my feelings for her aren't.If that means that I am young and naive, I won't argue it. If she were a young child, suddenly thrust on my doorstep at age... say... 5, It would take time for me to fully develope bounderies for behavior. I am looking at my relationship with her right now as not something that is easily expendible, replacable, even though it probably could be, but rather something that, given a little work and understanding, could blossom into something much more.

I want to make this statement though...

I want to do what I can to make my relationship work; however, if making it work means lieing to myself about who I am, giving more than I feel I should, and betraying my own feelings, simply to keep her, I can and will find someone else who will be what I need, and will let me be what they need.

I think you're off to a pretty good start and spankmepink11 makes an excellent point; there certainly are greater avenues of resources available now that were unheard of when I was 20 myself! The supposedly dark urges that now lead people to alternative lifestyle sites were something that one bottled up because the only resources back then involved discreet visits to smutty book stores etc and there sure as hell wasn't any clubs or communities to explore.

You're 21 and have much to learn and many mistakes to make. Know this, I'm 52 and more than able to still make mistakes with subs, esp one new to me because they all need to be handled in subtly different ways as each is collectively submissive but individually unique. What worked for the last one may or may not be the best approach with the next. And when the day comes you think you know it all, expect to land very heavily....

I think I liked some of the other young doms I've recently harangued much better than you - their responses perfectly validated my self-confessed, preconceived predjudices! Much more entertaining for one who occasionally likes to "poke the bear"!

Good luck.

Focus.

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Post #: 48

RE: Seeking some advice - 9/11/2006 12:33:54 AM

Horadell

Posts: 47
Joined: 9/6/2006
From: SW Florida
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Poking the bear is fun. I wouldn't stop doing it if I were in your position, and I feel you have a very valid, and strong reason to continue as well...

If you challenge 100 young doms, and only one comes through as something other than your opinion would dictate them as, then you have hopefully weeded out 99 people who aren't ready to start their jouyney seriously in the lifestyle.

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Post #: 49

RE: Seeking some advice - 9/13/2006 4:40:23 AM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
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Us Aussies have had a recent tragic reminder of what can happen when "poking the bear" is the basis of one's life and celebrity. Who woulda thunk that for all the deadly crocs, snakes and spiders etc he handled, Steve Irwin would be undone by a relatively docile stingray and a massive piece of bad luck that it struck him in the heart!

I do like to "poke the bear" myself, but definitley only in moderation. In r/l with a sub, I prefer a different analogy of "playing with my food", like a cat does with a mouse. lol

Focus.

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