Could i get some advice? (Full Version)

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NorthernNJSub -> Could i get some advice? (9/11/2006 9:28:30 PM)

Hi, i am a 19 year old submissive from bergen county, nj and i was wondering if someone could tell me want is wrong with my profile. i rarely get any response to it.
Is it my Profile or just that i have no luck?
i have never experience this lifestyle, but i've been trying for some time now. i not sure what to do, keep trying or realize i'm not cut out for it and just stop trying.

i'd be in your debt  if i recieve any type of advice. Thank You



MistressSassy66 -> RE: Could i get some advice? (9/11/2006 9:41:10 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: NorthernNJSub

Hi, i am a 19 year old submissive from bergen county, nj and i was wondering if someone could tell me want is wrong with my profile. i rarely get any response to it.
Is it my Profile or just that i have no luck?
i have never experience this lifestyle, but i've been trying for some time now. i not sure what to do, keep trying or realize i'm not cut out for it and just stop trying.

i'd be in your debt  if i recieve any type of advice. Thank You



For one its really short.
Maybe tell a lil more about yourself,hobbies give an idea of who you are.
Tell Us something about what you would like to find,even though your new,something has peaked your interest,dont be ashamed to put it down so Others know what it is.

your pic is fuzzy in the profile but not on the boards so you can see what you look like,I personally dont care about looks.But a few do so its important to have some nice pics.I wouldnt put up the down below pics,the Dom will ask if they have an interest in seeing that part of you.

Good Luck to ya [:D]



Bluebird -> RE: Could i get some advice? (9/11/2006 9:47:23 PM)

Well, your profile doesn't give any detail about you - who you are or what you are looking for in a partner.  Also, your photo is really not viewable - something with higher resolution than a camera phone would be great.  And last - you are VERY young - many people are leary of someone so youthful.  You may be more mature than most your age - so show that in your writing.  You are a college student - put English 101 to good use! 
 
Finally, you are a male submissive - you will need to pursue those who interest you, they probably will not contact you.  Post on the boards and contribute to the conversations - that is the best way to get noticed.



Philosopher -> RE: Could i get some advice? (9/12/2006 12:34:06 AM)

Maybe you should try messaging those that interest you. I rarely initiate contact, because I usually get enough interested subs messaging me.



MistressTheaZ -> RE: Could i get some advice? (9/12/2006 4:21:33 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Bluebird

Well, your profile doesn't give any detail about you - who you are or what you are looking for in a partner.  Also, your photo is really not viewable - something with higher resolution than a camera phone would be great.  And last - you are VERY young - many people are leary of someone so youthful.  You may be more mature than most your age - so show that in your writing.  You are a college student - put English 101 to good use! 
 
Finally, you are a male submissive - you will need to pursue those who interest you, they probably will not contact you.  Post on the boards and contribute to the conversations - that is the best way to get noticed.


Agreed with Sassy and Bluebird - do fill out your profile indicating some of your interests, and perhaps use the journals to write a bit about yourself and what you are seeking. Update your age from 18 to 19, *laughs*...

I used to live in Bergen County. You may want to consider joining TES (www.tes.org) to learn, meet others, play and open yourself up to the local scene. Spend time learning about yourself and what this all means to you; removing the focus from simply finding a partner can make this easier.

Best of luck. 

~Thea



MsSonnetMarwood -> RE: Could i get some advice? (9/12/2006 4:31:14 AM)

TES also has a TNG group aimed at the 19-30 crowd, so there will be people there that are more or less in your age group.

Ditto on the profile.  Don't fall into the mentality that just because you are willing, that's enough to attract a Domme.  A lifestyle Domme, in general, is going to be looking for some level of relationship, and therefor who you are as a person is going to be what attracts her first and foremost.



thetammyjo -> RE: Could i get some advice? (9/12/2006 7:59:29 AM)

May I suggest a differnt picture? One where you look happy or at least are in a pose of submissive. Your current picture seems, well, very ordinary. I chose my picture because I'm clearly being pamper (something I want) and I'm so very happy in it. Most of us do BDSM of any type because it makes us happy so show you are happy.

Your age honestly is going to turn off a lot of people -- not me, but I like younger men. Then the lack of experience is another turn off to a lot of people.

Good news. You'll get older and you can get experience. Where you live I'm sure there are BDSM groups and franky you aren't that far from NYC or other major cities where you could at least visit some groups or conventions a few times a year.

Don't have the money for that? Then you need to ask yourself if you are ready to explore BDSM. Part of being ready is to make ourselves ready and not rely on others.

This isn't just related to lack of money or late of experience either. Work 60 hours a week? You aren't ready because it is very unlikely you have the time to get the experience or serve. Have a partner on the side who doesn't know you are looking or doesn't approve? You aren't ready because how can you be honest at the level required to be safe in BDSM if you can't be that honest in your vanilla life?

Being young sucks when it comes to finding partners in BDSM because there is a lot of age prejudice. Its the same problem for older people though too. Try to be patient and learn as much about yourself as you can.



MasterFireMaam -> RE: Could i get some advice? (9/12/2006 8:08:11 AM)

First, get it straight what age you are. Are you 19 as you state here or are you 18 as your pofile says? If you're going to lie, lie effectively, at least. I don't however, recommend lying. That's one of the things that will get you dimissed faster than anything else.

Now, onto my answer:

Think of your profile as a resume. When you right a resume, you include a goal, education, experience and skills.

What is your goal? What kind of relationship ARE you looking for? A monogamous one with someone you want to marry or a poly one with someone who is gathering a household?

As for your education, start reading. Skip the porn and, for the most part, the fiction. Read these non-fiction books:
Ties that Bind
SM 101
Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns
To Love, To Obey, To Serve
Slavecraft
The Path of Service: Guideposts for Excellence
Loving Dominant
Different Loving (if you can get through it...it can be dry)

Remember that these books are often opinions...take what works for you and leave the rest. If you are looking to be a bottom for kinky sex, some of these books won't apply...but they will if you are looking to be of service to someone.

While, at 18, it's hard to list kink experience...but how about physical experience? Can you cook? Clean? Mow the grass? Do you even want to do these things in the kind of relationship you are looking for? If you're looking to be a sexual bottom, you might list the skills you have there or the skills you wish to aquire.

A few other things:
Even if you want kinky sex, don't list your fantasies in your profile. Even in sex, we want to be the focus...this is about you serving us, even when this is in a sexual manner. When the Dominant wants to know your sexual fantasies, they will ask. Hopefully, they match, then everyone is happy!

List what physical and psychological boundaries you have. Everyone has them. Perhaps you'd rather not be maimed for life...or to be severely humiliated in public. Saying that you have no limits is crap...and dangerous. Saying that, if you find someone who is a match, then it can SEEM like you have no limits, because her limits are yours, too, IS correct.

Post a better picture...make sure you present yourself well in it. Clean up...be neat, etc. you don't have to go overboard like a tux or anything. Think of how you'd dress for a first date, not the prom.

Fill out the questionnaire about likes and dislikes; these things help us figure out if we're a match. I might like that you like fantasy books, but if needles are a hard limit for you, I know we're not a match. if we're not a match, then I can save us each a great deal of time.

Don't settle. If there are big areas where you don't match, don't force it just because you really want to be owned. It simply will not work.



Hopefully these things will help. The best of luck to you!

Master Fire



ToGiveDivine -> RE: Could i get some advice? (9/12/2006 8:48:01 AM)

I thought it was bad form for a Sub to initiate contact with a Domme unless her profile explicitly said that initiating contact was permitted?

I know there isn't a formal relationship until both parties have agreed to terms and requirements, but there is still something to be said for basic courtesy.



GoddessDustyGold -> RE: Could i get some advice? (9/12/2006 10:10:48 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ToGiveDivine

I thought it was bad form for a Sub to initiate contact with a Domme unless her profile explicitly said that initiating contact was permitted?

I know there isn't a formal relationship until both parties have agreed to terms and requirements, but there is still something to be said for basic courtesy.


No, it is not bad form to contact a Domina, unless she specifically states she wants no contact.  It is very important to read profiles thoroughly and get a sense of the Lady and then tailor your introduction to make it personal and engaging.  Often, there is a good indication of information to be included.  Sometimes not.  I, for instance, state clearly, that I will not contact a boy, and expect him to contact Me.  I also provide a wealth of information regarding what I want to see in a letter of introduction.
Bad form:  "Hi, u r hot!  I have a cam"...followed up with an IM address.
If you make your letter sincere and there is some compatibility and you can make your case for that, you have a much better chance of catching a Lady's interest and getting a reply.
I agree there is much to be said for basic courtesy.  We get so little of it, that a boy who makes a good effort really does stand out. 
Unfortunately, there is a lack of courtesy on both sides of the whip.  So if you don't get the response you hoped for, or no response at all, just move on.  Better yet, go to a local munch once in a while to break up the email campaign. It really helps a lot to get out from behind the computer.



TNstepsout -> RE: Could i get some advice? (9/12/2006 10:40:40 AM)

I think everyone else has pretty well covered everything, but I'd like to elaborate on a few things. The problem with a profile that says absolutely nothing, is that it indicates to me a person who really has no idea who they are. I am naturally drawn to people who have a strong sense of themselves and the ability to express it. So if I were to see a profile like yours I wouldn't even bother. Really, it could just as easily say Generic profile #4325697.

A better picture and a happy one is also important. My all time favorite pics are those that show the person doing something they enjoy. It just tells me so much about them. So, if you like riding a motorcycle, playing music or sports, put in a picture of yourself doing those things.

When you mention you are going to school, why don't you add a little more. Explain what you're studying and what your goals are. Yes, your age is an issue, but if you present yourself and mature and confident you can overcome that factor.



DivaDuchess -> RE: Could i get some advice? (9/12/2006 4:40:38 PM)

Hello there ... first, nix the language problems in favor of an English 101 crash course.  Most Dom/Dommes are looking for someone with a fair command of the English language unless They are from some other country beyond the US.  Most would prefer someone with conversational skills above that of the average garden salad.  Also, add some detail, the little bit you have isn't near enough to wet Someone curiousity enough to reply even if you do note Them.  I/We do not initiate most contact.  Occasionally I will, but only if the profile strikes Me in more than the topical level. 

Do not force the issue, begin by stating what more interests you, both vanilla and BDSM.  Fill out the profile work.  What are your hobbies, interests, favorite movies, music, food, the list goes on.  Sit down and ... sell yourself.  Put in some detail.  Take a decent picture of yourself.  Set the pixels a bit higher on a digital camera or ... don't load a larger image from one much smaller, you'll waste resolution and look fuzzy or washed out.

Post on the boards and perhaps enter a chat or two that are listed of interest to you.  As stated above and repeated again and again ... and now by Me *lol*.  All of the above is very important in order to attract that certain Someone/Someones.  Don't settle or sell yourself short.  Keep trying.



BlkTallFullfig -> RE: Could i get some advice? (9/12/2006 4:49:03 PM)

There isn't much information about who you are or what you are interested in (play, or relationship).
The other thing that will unfortunately work against you initially is your age, but if you prove to be a decent and sincere human being, that worn't matter to most people.
Good luck,  M



rick19 -> RE: Could i get some advice? (9/12/2006 7:24:04 PM)

Hey, I'm also an18 (turn 19 next month) year old male who lives in North NJ. I dont have any luck either, so don't feel bad. I'm here to learn about things, it would be nice if I met someone. It seems like to me a lot of the people here are out of my age group though. Try researching munches in the NNJ/NYC area or save up money to see a pro-domme in NYC.



draba -> RE: Could i get some advice? (9/12/2006 8:07:10 PM)

hey guys, there are pro-dommes in northe new jersey also.



MisPandora -> RE: Could i get some advice? (9/13/2006 12:07:23 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ToGiveDivine

I thought it was bad form for a Sub to initiate contact with a Domme unless her profile explicitly said that initiating contact was permitted?

I know there isn't a formal relationship until both parties have agreed to terms and requirements, but there is still something to be said for basic courtesy.

You're on a personals site on the other side!  Respect the domina's parameters for application and follow her instructions to the letter if you're going to reach out.  It's incumbent upon the male submissive to present an appealing CV to a domina for her perusal.  Paint her a clear picture of who you are and why you wrote TO HER.  Cut and paste is NOT going to work if you want to be sincere and find someone who will invest time in you.  Don't force her to have to look at your profile to know your age, where you're from or what you seek. 



MisPandora -> RE: Could i get some advice? (9/13/2006 12:11:08 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

May I suggest a differnt picture? One where you look happy or at least are in a pose of submissive. Your current picture seems, well, very ordinary. I chose my picture because I'm clearly being pamper (something I want) and I'm so very happy in it. Most of us do BDSM of any type because it makes us happy so show you are happy.

I have to agree.  The picture (band tee shirt, blurry, hands in pockets, slouched stance, unfriendly face) strikes me as what I'd see in the line to try out for "Clerks 3: Metalheads meet McDonalds".  That might work if you're a 21 year old newbie goth femdom who wants to stick skewers through boy's faces and beat them with vegan-friendly  rubber whips, but for those of us who are seeking more......it leaves a bit to be desired.



MisPandora -> RE: Could i get some advice? (9/13/2006 12:21:43 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: rick19

Hey, I'm also an18 (turn 19 next month) year old male who lives in North NJ. I dont have any luck either, so don't feel bad. I'm here to learn about things, it would be nice if I met someone. It seems like to me a lot of the people here are out of my age group though. Try researching munches in the NNJ/NYC area or save up money to see a pro-domme in NYC.



As Sonnet has already pointed out, one of your best resources is the TNG (The Next Generation) group of TES (The Eulenspiegel Society)  They are one of the oldest BDSM organizations in the country.

If you're wanting to get deeper into master/slave based relationships, you might check out the MaST: Metro NYC chapter (http://www.mast.net/chapters/nymetro/index.htm) headed up by Sir Larry.  It's a wonderful group of dedicated lifestyle individuals.  This is NOT a place that you will be able to troll, however, you will be able to learn and communicate with likeminded individuals.



mons -> RE: Could i get some advice? (9/13/2006 3:41:14 AM)

greetings
 
dear your too young your not even old enough to drink int the state you live in. i have a son if someone came to him to be in this lifesltye i would kick her ass you need time to grown iside and out your not knowing at this time what yo want, at your age and i remmeber when i was your age i thought i wanted to do many different things but as i grown older my mind change so many times i know i made the right choices. there probably is nothing wrong with your profile but on this site we take ver sericoily young one and how we act toward them. your a teenager dear i know you think at this momet you want this so bad you need to be in school i hope you are and studying and wait five years and then if you feel the same you older and thought thorugh things. you r just to young right now really i hope you read this and think of what you want in life. this is a lifestlye that is harsh at times come back when you older ok dear i would want somone to tell my son the smae thing!
 
mons ( take care dear )



jonathan -> RE: Could i get some advice? (9/16/2006 4:18:01 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MisPandora

quote:

ORIGINAL: rick19

Hey, I'm also an18 (turn 19 next month) year old male who lives in North NJ. I dont have any luck either, so don't feel bad. I'm here to learn about things, it would be nice if I met someone. It seems like to me a lot of the people here are out of my age group though. Try researching munches in the NNJ/NYC area or save up money to see a pro-domme in NYC.



As Sonnet has already pointed out, one of your best resources is the TNG (The Next Generation) group of TES (The Eulenspiegel Society) They are one of the oldest BDSM organizations in the country.

If you're wanting to get deeper into master/slave based relationships, you might check out the MaST: Metro NYC chapter (http://www.mast.net/chapters/nymetro/index.htm) headed up by Sir Larry. It's a wonderful group of dedicated lifestyle individuals. This is NOT a place that you will be able to troll, however, you will be able to learn and communicate with likeminded individuals.


As MisPandora and Ms. Marwood noted, you are in the midst of the best area for munches and personal growth outside of San Francisco. As a former NJ resident and TES member, i agree with their recommendations. Go to the novice orientation nights to start with, everyone meets at a Chelsea restaurant for food & chat before repairing to the clubs, which are close by. TES TiNG has been the most active SIG in TES for many years. MisPandora, is Lolita still running that one? i always liked Her violet wand demos....... i spent my best formative years at society functions and meetings too long ago.

Also, there is a munch group right in your backyard. Try knot4every1.org. They munch monthly on Rte. 22 in Bridgewater, the next one being the 21st of the month. Although being under 21 might be a problem.

Good luck and stay the course. i somewhat agree with mons, you might need to give it some time.



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