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Explaining the lifestyle - 4/22/2004 6:59:04 AM

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I am new to posting and sort of new to this site, but I have been in the lifestyle for about 3 and half years.
My problem is that I am trying to explain this lifestyle to my friends outside of it. They seem to think that it's all about sex. I'm having trouble figuring out how to explain it to them so that they can understand that it's so much more then that. Can anyone explain it to me or point me in the direction of some websites or books on the topic? I have looked, but all the information I can find seems to be focused on sex and that is not how my relationship is.
Maybe I have an unusual relationship, but I think that there must be others like me and that one of those other people have to know more about this then I do. Any information anyone can give me would be very helpful and please, if I am unclear or if I left something out let me know and I will correct it.

< Message edited by siamsa24 -- 4/22/2004 6:59:51 AM >

RE: Explaining the lifestyle - 4/22/2004 11:15:49 AM

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I like to compare my relationship as that of a parent and child. Now, before anyone calls social services on me, I am taking sex completely out of it!

Think about it. There is unconditional love between a parent and child. There is nothing a parent won't do to raise their child up the proper way according to the values and beliefs they hold dear. A parent loves spending time with thier child. A parent also has a responsibility to teach, guide, and provide protection to that child. When a child misbehaves, yes, there needs to be consequences, how severe depends on the behaviour of the child. But when a child behaves, there is positive reinforcement, whether it be praise or rewards of a material kind. When a child struggles, so does the parent. And when a child succeeds, the parent rejoices in pure elation and pride.

Now the child. The child needs guidance and limits. Needs to be taught the difference between right and wrong and the rules of the household. The child has a deep connection with its parent(s) and naturally wishes to make their parent happy. It saddens a child to anger or upset the parent, not just because of the ensuing discipline, but also because of the love that is there. Who doesn't want to make the ones they love happy? And a child will test the parent, undoubtedly. The child is learning continually. Even now, I can say as an adult, there are still many things my mother can teach me and I am ever grateful for all she has already taught me.

There is no love more pure than that shared between a parent and child. They will have rough times, yes, but in the end, nothing can break that connection.

(in reply to siamsa24)

RE: Explaining the lifestyle - 4/22/2004 11:47:37 AM

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That's wonderful and very helpful, thank you so much

(in reply to Gabrielle)

RE: Explaining the lifestyle - 4/22/2004 12:07:47 PM

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That was the perfect example. I feel that if your in a vanilla relationship, it is hard to truly express your needs, wants, desires, and fears. When BDSM is a way of life for the couple there bond is unbreakable. They have structure, rules, less confusion, little misunderstanding. I feel that D/s relationships last longer than most because there is more trust. I dont even try to explain myself to anyone that has no clue or intrest in the lifestyle. I have found that people that do not have this type of structure become more self destrutive because they are suppressed and have no outlet.

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(in reply to Gabrielle)

RE: Explaining the lifestyle - 4/22/2004 3:51:22 PM

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quote:

I like to compare my relationship as that of a parent and child.

I agree with your well stated analogy Gabrielle, except for one thing. Children are not children by choice as opposed to submissive persons. In most cases punishment of children is not consensual, although they should be aware of the consequenses of their actions. Today the old fashioned punishments of spankings and belt floggings are considered abuse by many.

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proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan

(in reply to Gabrielle)

RE: Explaining the lifestyle - 4/22/2004 4:07:31 PM

GabriellesDaddy

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(this is Gabrielle...i did it again, posted under His name...sorry)

You have a good point proudsub, but punishment in my D/s relationship isn't necessarily consenual, if you mean in the sense that I enjoy it. A child knows the rules, and if they misbehave, they may get spanked or get grounded or whatever. Either way, children who have learned from their parents what is expected are also aware of the consequences and they make a choice.

Now, if I have done wrong, I do not look forward to the punishment he may give me. That is why is it punishment, it is part of the learning process. Now play, on the other hand, is something else. I love whippings, flogging, bondage and all that yummy stuff, just as much as a child would love to have his mom/dad sit and play video games with him or Monopoly or throw a ball outside.

I was more or less referring to the personal connection. Of course, there are differences, but as far as the love and bond between the Dominant and subbie, it is very similar to the parent/child bond.

(in reply to proudsub)

RE: Explaining the lifestyle - 4/22/2004 4:16:14 PM

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There is a book out called *Someone you love is Kinky*. I was at a lifestyle bondage demo where it was promoted, but I can't find the info at the moment. It is published by one of the few places that publishes almost solely lifestyle related books.

_____________________________

Sandy

Don't take life too seriously, no one gets out alive anyway...

(in reply to proudsub)

RE: Explaining the lifestyle - 4/22/2004 5:07:19 PM

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From: Tidewater, VA
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quote:

My problem is that I am trying to explain this lifestyle to my friends outside of it.

Midear Siamsa-

My general rule is that the less you use words like SM, Master or Slave, Dominant or Submissive, whatever, the better off you'll be.

I usually say something like 'my job is taking care of her, and hers is pleasing me' or that we 'like a lot of structure in a relationship' or even ' I'm very demanding in bed'.

Generally, if you lay out anything you might have to in terms of what you _do_, rather than what you call it, people take it alot better than "I'm into S&M!!" which might have less than wonderful associations for those that care about you.

Godd Luck-
Stay warm,
Lawrence

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-there is no remission without blood-

(in reply to siamsa24)

RE: Explaining the lifestyle - 4/22/2004 6:28:05 PM

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I haven't read it, but I've heard it good. From their website http://www.greenerypress.com :

When Someone You Love Is Kinky
authors: Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt
ISBN: 1-890159-01-8
specifications: 6" x 9", 288 pages
$16.95 + shipping

Many, many people have sexual interests or practices that are in some way unusual. These people may enjoy bondage or spanking, erotic role-playing, dressing in special clothes that turn them on, or a host of other activities that place them outside the sexual mainstream. Your mechanic might have an alternative sexuality, or your librarian, or your kids' teacher, or your boss.... If someone you love has a sexual kink, or if you suspect that she may, and you want to know more about what that means to her and how you can deal with what it means to you, this book is for you.

"When Someone You Love Is Kinky will do more for family values than anything the right wing ever dreamed up, because it lets people communicate and love and respect each other on the basis of who they really are. A wonderful contribution twoards a more sex-positive culture." - Dr. Carol Queen, author, Real Live Nude Girl

"Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt, both wise and compassionate women, and both players in the world of kink, welcome the reader gently into that world and answer everything anyone might have wanted to ask but was really afraid to find out." - Isadora Alman, syndicated sex and relationship columnist

_____________________________

-- Sherri

Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

(in reply to EStrict)

RE: Explaining the lifestyle - 4/22/2004 6:31:19 PM

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::laughing:: thanks Sherri! I knew if I mentioned it SOMEONE on this site would have more info :)

_____________________________

Sandy

Don't take life too seriously, no one gets out alive anyway...

(in reply to SherriA)

RE: Explaining the lifestyle - 4/23/2004 12:16:08 AM

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From: Utah
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Here is an article I wrote a few years ago for one of our local BDSM webstes.

Enjoy :)

A conversation with vanilla-folk
(AKA Vanilla crackers think I'm flaky!)

I am always amazed when I get into a conversation with a vanilla person about my power exchange based relationships. I see the flash of horror quickly replaced with a judgmental raised eyebrow. "Oh... You're one of those!" it seems to say.

I usually sit for a moment and let the images in their brains settle down, and then I laugh. "Yes....I'm one of *those people*" If I sit, eyes sparkling, with an amused look on my face....the inevitable questions will come. They will lean forward and ask "You like to do......?" You can see their eyes poised, hoping for a bit of gossip or a juicy tidbit to satisfy their carnal curiosity.

Of course I never get into specific details about my sexual appetites with those not in my circle. Instead I will look at them and say "You know......there is so much more to it than that." At which point I begin my discussion of how foreign vanilla relationships are to me. It always starts the same "It never ceases to amaze me......."

And so it begins........

Every aspect of our adult lives include rules, education, penalty and atonement. When we go to apply for our Driver's license we have to study the rules of the road. We are tested on our comprehension. Our physical ability to drive, park, use turn signals, etc. is documented. There are penalties if we are caught driving outside those perimeters. Sometimes we can pay fines, go to classes (reeducation), etc. to atone for our misdeeds. Every 4 years we have to go and be tested to renew our driving permits. It is an ongoing process.

When we go to apply for a job, we are told what the details of the job are. We are educated in the aspects we do not know. Our progress is monitored and recorded. We are told what is expected of us and how we are to be evaluated accordingly. There are penalties when we cannot either learn the task at hand......or do not perform to a level of satisfaction predetermined. We are continuously educated and our abilities are forever expanding, and hopefully....we become more proficient over time. If not, we are directed to another source of employment where the cycle begins again.

Even being a US Citizen comes with basic rights, responsibilities and a code of conduct. If we breach those rules of conduct, we can be fined, imprisoned, or sentenced to have our behavior actively monitored.

My point is......every aspect of our daily interaction with other people, our bank accounts, our Internet, driving, group memberships ... virtually everything...comes with KNOWN rules and expectations of behavior. And yet, when I talk about imposing rules, responsibilities, training and penalty into the MOST important relationship in my life........I am looked at like I just stepped off a spaceship and I am talking about a completely foreign concept! (I will usually pause here and laugh)

Tell me.....how many times have you ever been blasted by a partner...for something you didn't even know was your job?! How many times did you think you were helping only to get blasted because it wasn't your job?! Who knew? Did you ever discuss it? Did you ever actively sit down and say......this is your responsibility, this is mine...etc? No! «laughs» Instead both of you try and do everything and blame each other when things don't get done. Of course you know what their job SHOULD be...and you know what they should be doing....and you judge them accordingly...you just keep it a secret from the one person that needs to know. And vice versa.

When was the last time you, or your partner, ever sat across from each other (outside of an argument) and discussed the relationship? Where is it doing well? Which areas need work? How can it be improved for the betterment of both of you? My guess would be never. The way I see it....the most extensive evaluation that happens in a vanilla relationship is at the end, in divorce court, where everything you ever did was WRONG! «I will pause and laugh»

I swear! «shaking my head» I don't know how you vanilla people do it. That kind of life seems so unsettled and scary. I kinda prefer my way, if you don't mind. I like knowing what is expected of me, how I am being measured and how I am living up to those expectations. I like knowing what the penalties are, and most of all, I like knowing I can make amends when I screw up. It makes my life a lot more stable. More predictable. But what really cracks me up.....

............is people like you think *I'm* crazy! LOL

Ms Sandi

_____________________________

"The Masochist desires to experience stronger sensations, but desires that it should be inflicted with Love. The Sadist desires to inflict stronger sensations, but desires that it should be felt as Love" Havelock Ellis The Project Gutenberg

(in reply to EStrict)

RE: Explaining the lifestyle - 4/23/2004 3:46:24 AM

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Ms Sandi, all I can say here is

WELL SAID!

(clapping enthusiastically)

(in reply to UtahGoddess)

RE: Explaining the lifestyle - 4/23/2004 6:04:04 AM

rain

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UtahGoddess,

thank You for posting Your article. i agree wholeheartedly with what You stated. Communication, being honest with one's self, respect, and trust are important in any relationship.

i prefer the structure of the D/s relationship to the vanilla ones b/c i know what to expect and what's expected of me- this eliminates a great deal of BS that vanilla people experience b/c they are either: not honest with themselves about their needs, or lack the ability to communicate their needs, wants, kinks, etc.

It's easier for me to abide by *my* rules as opposed to some very vanilla, generic, obsolete "manual" of relationships like the book "The Rules." (for those who are unfamiliar, it is supposed to act as a "guide" for single women who are dating-my room mate has a copy- and while some of it is just common sense, most of it is rubbish, IMHO.)

Cheers,

~rain~

_____________________________

Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today. - James Dean

(in reply to UtahGoddess)

RE: Explaining the lifestyle - 4/23/2004 7:56:24 AM

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siamsa24,

Regarding your question on how to explain your lifestyle to vanilla friends:
Since I don't know you, I wouldn't have a clue. My answering your question makes about as much sense as me trying to describe your eye color to your friends. There's a vast spectrum out there--in eye color and bdsm.

But... if I were to explain MY bdsm, I'd have to say it's about emotion (and.. um.. sex...).

January

(in reply to siamsa24)

RE: Explaining the lifestyle - 4/23/2004 1:29:45 PM

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As a divorced guy I got to say kudos to UtahGoddes. It almost makes me not afraid to come out. Almost.

I'm rushed, but a couple blatant typoes stood out.

< Message edited by iwillserveu -- 4/23/2004 1:30:48 PM >

_____________________________

When the Lady smiles i can't resist her call. As a matter of fact, i don't resist at all. Well that depends if it is a smile or a grimmace.

(in reply to UtahGoddess)

RE: Explaining the lifestyle - 4/23/2004 3:28:56 PM

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"I'm rushed, but a couple blatant typoes stood out. "

I'm glad I gave you the opportunity to feel superior, boy <laffs>

Ms Sandi

_____________________________

"The Masochist desires to experience stronger sensations, but desires that it should be inflicted with Love. The Sadist desires to inflict stronger sensations, but desires that it should be felt as Love" Havelock Ellis The Project Gutenberg

(in reply to iwillserveu)

RE: Explaining the lifestyle - 4/23/2004 4:56:40 PM

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Thank you so much to everyone that posted in response to my question. One of the main reasons that I am trying to explain my relationship to some of my vanilla friends is that I am a college student and we share a house, otherwise it would not be an issue. You can't hide things very well in a house with 6 other girls

(in reply to UtahGoddess)

RE: Explaining the lifestyle - 4/24/2004 4:35:14 AM

stormiKnightBEAR

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Ma'am,
Would it be possible for stormi to email you off the message board?
It's in regard to sharing your thoughts/article. Thank You in advance
for your time and Thank You for something well thought out to share!

In Leather,
stormi
property of Master Bear

_____________________________

owned white silk slave of TEMJI aka Master Bear

PROUD TO BE TEXAN AND AMERICAN BY BIRTH~
GOD BLESS TEXAS AND THE U.S.A !!!!

(in reply to UtahGoddess)

RE: Explaining the lifestyle - 4/24/2004 5:22:21 AM

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stormi,

You may email me here at collarme.com or at [email protected].

Ms Sandi

_____________________________

"The Masochist desires to experience stronger sensations, but desires that it should be inflicted with Love. The Sadist desires to inflict stronger sensations, but desires that it should be felt as Love" Havelock Ellis The Project Gutenberg

(in reply to stormiKnightBEAR)

RE: Explaining the lifestyle - 4/24/2004 8:04:38 AM

stormiKnightBEAR

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Thank You Ma'am

_____________________________

owned white silk slave of TEMJI aka Master Bear

PROUD TO BE TEXAN AND AMERICAN BY BIRTH~
GOD BLESS TEXAS AND THE U.S.A !!!!

(in reply to UtahGoddess)

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