"No-sex bdsm" (subtitled "Get Off My Back" Rant)

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"No-sex bdsm" (subtitled "Get Off My Bac... - 9/19/2006 4:56:04 PM

DelightfulSpirit

Posts: 22
Joined: 11/23/2005
Status: offline

I have had several messages here on collarme.com questioning my stated limits. Here is my reply.

First of all, what I do is not really "sexless" or "nonsexual," because there is a lot of sexual energy generated (and enjoyed by all parties).

In the definition of SEX=Sacred Energy Exchange, of course all BDSM -- when it's good -- is SEX!

For the purposes of this rant, I am going to use the definition of "sex"=hand-genital, orgasm, oral, intercourse. At this time, I want to not do that but I still want to do BDSM play.

There's a lot more to BDSM than "sex". There's sensation play. There's beyond-the-bedroom Dominance/submission and service. There's grabbing hair, sending submissive into subspace, sense of satisfaction the Dominant can get from directing/dominating/guiding. Not everything has to include "sex". Even sexual or sensual *feelings* don't have to be acted out, they can be savored.

Why do I want to have "no-sex" bdsm? Frankly, because so many people want me, and I don't want to have sex with "so many people".

I just want to play without being pressured for sex. If I want to take a lover eventually, I can choose to let that develop when that time comes. Meanwhile, I just want friends to go to classes and events with.

The only problem with this plan, as I see it so far, is that apparently it bothers some people to *read* about it. Well too bad.

Of course my plan could also be a problem if I didn't have any play partners willing to respect these limits. But I do, and I value them highly.

*We* aren't having any trouble with it. The rest of you, get off my back!

_____________________________

Surrendering to the Mother Goddess
is the most sacred form of D/s.
~ Mystress Angelique Serpent

Post #: 1

RE: "No-sex bdsm" (subtitled "Get Off My... - 9/19/2006 5:42:01 PM

CreativeDominant

Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DelightfulSpirit

I have had several messages here on collarme.com questioning my stated limits. Here is my reply.

First of all, what I do is not really "sexless" or "nonsexual," because there is a lot of sexual energy generated (and enjoyed by all parties).

In the definition of SEX=Sacred Energy Exchange, of course all BDSM -- when it's good -- is SEX!

For the purposes of this rant, I am going to use the definition of "sex"=hand-genital, orgasm, oral, intercourse. At this time, I want to not do that but I still want to do BDSM play.

There's a lot more to BDSM than "sex". There's sensation play. There's beyond-the-bedroom Dominance/submission and service. There's grabbing hair, sending submissive into subspace, sense of satisfaction the Dominant can get from directing/dominating/guiding. Not everything has to include "sex". Even sexual or sensual *feelings* don't have to be acted out, they can be savored.

Why do I want to have "no-sex" bdsm? Frankly, because so many people want me, and I don't want to have sex with "so many people".

I just want to play without being pressured for sex. If I want to take a lover eventually, I can choose to let that develop when that time comes. Meanwhile, I just want friends to go to classes and events with.

The only problem with this plan, as I see it so far, is that apparently it bothers some people to *read* about it. Well too bad.

Of course my plan could also be a problem if I didn't have any play partners willing to respect these limits. But I do, and I value them highly.

*We* aren't having any trouble with it. The rest of you, get off my back!

I can't speak for other people. What bothers me in your post is not so much you stating what you want but then trying to tell people that BDSM isn't "all about sex". The denial of it as a major component. D/s is not all about sex. I will agree on that. As for BDSM...maybe it isn't all about sex for you...nor for others. But like it or not, sadism and masochism (the SM part of the equation) are defined as the arousal of sexual urges through either the infliction/receiving of pain. That has come to be redefined somewhat within some segments of the BDSM community as the arousal of sexual urges through the infliction/receiving of some sort of sensation...usually pain. That means that for those two areas at the very least, a HUGE part of it is sexual.
And by the way, I do see that you recognize that there is a lot of sexual energy generated. Does that mean that those sexual urges need to go on to further avenues of exploration such as touching, sucking, kissing, intercourse, masturbation? No, of course it does not. I've had a few great scenes where my purpose was to get my submissive as sexually aroused as possible and then end it. I've also had a couple of sessions where both of us were very aroused and then I ended it. Would I want to do that steadily or every time I played? In all honesty, no. But that's me. And you will probably find those who are willing to engage in BDSM play without the sexual interaction being taken any further than arousal. I have my doubts though that it is going to be an easy task for you to find partners who are willing, deferring to consideration of how intensely you like to play each time, to do it over and over again without ever taking it further.

I am not sure where you came up with the SEX acronym...in all honesty, I have not seen it before in my 8-9 years in this but that doesn't mean anything. I will say that an acronym is not the same thing as a definition and in this case, it seems that you are using it as the "sex" part that occurs during sadomasochistic play. If that works for you and whoever you choose as a partner, that's fine. It doesn't work for me.

All that being said, no one has a right to contact you and try to convince you that you are wrong when their only purpose in trying to get you to see that your viewpoint is wrong is so that they can play with you. But there again....bad emails are nothing new on here...check the threads of just the last couple of weeks.

(in reply to DelightfulSpirit)

Post #: 2

RE: "No-sex bdsm" (subtitled "Get Off My... - 9/19/2006 6:16:03 PM

DivaDuchess

Posts: 402
Joined: 8/17/2006
Status: offline

I think the word ... tease ... fits *lol*. Of course, if you actually got your way ... I'd charge you up like a plugged 220 line, then pull the cord with you tied to a chair, wishing you were the one, while I played my 'urges' out on someone else. You can watch. That seems to be fun for you so I won't end the scene ... just modify it a bit, so you can enjoy the ... show *lol*.

No offense intended ... just my 2 cents and how I've dealt in the past with 'no sex' players.

_____________________________

Duchess

Courage is not the absence of Fear,
But rather the judgement that,
Something else is more important than Fear.

The Brave may not live forever,
But the Cautious do not live at all.

(in reply to CreativeDominant)

Post #: 3

RE: "No-sex bdsm" (subtitled "Get Off My... - 9/19/2006 6:25:04 PM

mynded

Posts: 137
Joined: 8/20/2006
Status: offline

I think whatever sexual inclination you might have is your business and if someone doesnt like it. They dont have to ride your wave they can just get off.......pun intended

(in reply to DivaDuchess)

Post #: 4

RE: "No-sex bdsm" (subtitled "Get Off My... - 9/19/2006 6:41:25 PM

DelightfulSpirit

Posts: 22
Joined: 11/23/2005
Status: offline

Yep, this is getting quite entertaining. I appreciate everyone's points of view :-) LOL, maybe I am a tease -- but not in the sense of luring someone on and promising something then not delivering, 'cause I am clear right off the bat and don't promise. And all those who want to "get off" my wave (pun appreciated) are welcome to with no ill will on my part.

I have had two Dominants in two years -- full on including sex -- and each of those relationships ended for different reasons. I am friends with both, by the way. But I am tired, and need a break...

_____________________________

Surrendering to the Mother Goddess
is the most sacred form of D/s.
~ Mystress Angelique Serpent

(in reply to mynded)

Post #: 5

RE: "No-sex bdsm" (subtitled "Get Off My... - 9/19/2006 6:48:28 PM

NastyDaddy

Posts: 957
Joined: 9/8/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DelightfulSpirit

I have had several messages here on collarme.com questioning my stated limits. Here is my reply.

All that blue stuff up there is also a cut & pasted copy of your last journal entry... a form letter reply/journal entry?

Interesting comments there in your journal... listing yourself as poly since your husband is poly, while redefining not only poly... but also bisexuality. It appears that you want BDSM on your definitions and haven't found your appropriate yang... the top to bottom, while topping them. Keep looking, don't rant and post your own journal entrys here in the discussion forums, what does this accomplish?

After reading your profile and journal, there's no doubt you will receive input from others who don't agree with your ideas and re-definitions. Whether their input is by design a mere ploy to get in your pants.... sounds more like autoflattery.

Now you can rant even more... because I question your published definitions as they apply across the board the way you see them apply to your personal circle. These are your re-definitions, understand this... if people question them, it's usually because they seem illogical as opposed to seeking strange booty.

You re-define submission as nonsexual, merely a dominant grabbing your hair, sending you into subspace? Why would the dominant grab your hair to begin with? That's easy, because you wanted them to... your idea, your re-definition of bdsm.

If these ideas and techniques work for you, then that is wonderful and more power to your approach. I don't see your definitions and sexless versions of roleplays as being a defining moment in bdsm, but to each their own.

I wouldn't write you questioning anything you re-define because after all, it's your sandbox not mine, and my interests do not include married females re-pioneering bdsm to their liking. Your argument/rant/journal is with those who want you as you say.

_____________________________

"You may be right, I may be crazy... but I may just be the lunatic you're looking for!"

(in reply to DelightfulSpirit)

Post #: 6

RE: "No-sex bdsm" (subtitled "Get Off My... - 9/19/2006 7:08:53 PM

DelightfulSpirit

Posts: 22
Joined: 11/23/2005
Status: offline

quote:

post your own journal entrys here in the discussion forums, what does this accomplish?

Getting more people's points of view.

quote:

Whether their input is by design a mere ploy to get in your pants.... sounds more like autoflattery.

I didn't say their input was a ploy. As to autoflattery, no. I have had real declarations of attraction from many people lately, some of them asking about developing a relationship and some just happily being attacted and saying so -- but there has been so much of this, it has gotten a bit overwhelming.

quote:

Why would the dominant grab your hair to begin with? That's easy, because you wanted them to... your idea, your re-definition of bdsm.

LOL, no, the first time it was definitely not my idea. Since then... well, you have a point there. I no longer have that Dominant, and my hair is a bit lonely...

quote:

to each their own.

For sure.

P.S. I have submitted, and will submit in the future, when that kind of relationship is established. Until then, well who is in charge of me, and my limits? me.

_____________________________

Surrendering to the Mother Goddess
is the most sacred form of D/s.
~ Mystress Angelique Serpent

(in reply to NastyDaddy)

Post #: 7

RE: "No-sex bdsm" (subtitled "Get Off My... - 9/19/2006 7:11:00 PM

popeye1250

Posts: 18104
Joined: 1/27/2006
From: New Hampshire
Status: offline

To me BDSM is very much about sex.

(in reply to NastyDaddy)

Post #: 8

RE: "No-sex bdsm" (subtitled "Get Off My... - 9/19/2006 7:27:12 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Sometimes for me bdsm is just about trying something new or having fun. Yes, energy exchange happens in everything, all the time. Going to the potty is/can be sacred. But most of the time it's just going to the potty.

It's actually very rare that I will choose to have what I consider a sacred energy exchange with another. But I'll do bdsm and actual sex and other great things just for the fun and energy that exists normally.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to popeye1250)

Post #: 9

RE: "No-sex bdsm" (subtitled "Get Off My... - 9/19/2006 7:57:33 PM

RedSavageSlave

Posts: 733
Joined: 9/12/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DelightfulSpirit

Of course my plan could also be a problem if I didn't have any play partners willing to respect these limits. But I do, and I value them highly.

*We* aren't having any trouble with it. The rest of you, get off my back!

If you truly "aren't having any trouble with it" why are you on here ranting about it ?? hm?

(in reply to DelightfulSpirit)

Post #: 10

RE: "No-sex bdsm" (subtitled "Get Off My... - 9/19/2006 8:13:37 PM

DelightfulSpirit

Posts: 22
Joined: 11/23/2005
Status: offline

quote:

If you truly "aren't having any trouble with it" why are you on here ranting about it ?? hm?

Good point. I think it was spurred partly from receiving a little flack from several people several messages in a row, but perhaps the bigger factors, are: I have a dear dear friend in the hospital right now, I haven't slept well for more than a week, and I also am sad, having recently lost the D/s relationship I was in (yes, sex and all). So I am doing what I need to now in the newly-available situation I find myself -- yes I must be my own steward/guardian. But yeah, I could do that more graciously than evidenced by my post... I think all my stress leaked through. I wonder if I should delete it...

_____________________________

Surrendering to the Mother Goddess
is the most sacred form of D/s.
~ Mystress Angelique Serpent

(in reply to RedSavageSlave)

Post #: 11

RE: "No-sex bdsm" (subtitled "Get Off My... - 9/19/2006 9:17:01 PM

jamesthehumanrug

Posts: 668
Joined: 10/21/2005
Status: offline

YES YOURE RITE....YOU CAN ALWAYS DO AUTO-EROTIC ,that says i love you and i love myself (i touch myself wonder what genius slave created THAT original song and got totally ripped off?)AND ,IF YOU FINALLY WANNA' IT COMES INTO THE PRIVILLAGED GENITAL PLAY ,BUT,when that person becomes speical, THEN IT IS MORE SPECIAL THAN ,not PRESSURE ;ISNT IT?
whatever ;i just agree....

quote:

ORIGINAL: DelightfulSpirit

I have had several messages here on collarme.com questioning my stated limits. Here is my reply.

First of all, what I do is not really "sexless" or "nonsexual," because there is a lot of sexual energy generated (and enjoyed by all parties).

In the definition of SEX=Sacred Energy Exchange, of course all BDSM -- when it's good -- is SEX!

For the purposes of this rant, I am going to use the definition of "sex"=hand-genital, orgasm, oral, intercourse. At this time, I want to not do that but I still want to do BDSM play.

There's a lot more to BDSM than "sex". There's sensation play. There's beyond-the-bedroom Dominance/submission and service. There's grabbing hair, sending submissive into subspace, sense of satisfaction the Dominant can get from directing/dominating/guiding. Not everything has to include "sex". Even sexual or sensual *feelings* don't have to be acted out, they can be savored.

Why do I want to have "no-sex" bdsm? Frankly, because so many people want me, and I don't want to have sex with "so many people".

I just want to play without being pressured for sex. If I want to take a lover eventually, I can choose to let that develop when that time comes. Meanwhile, I just want friends to go to classes and events with.

The only problem with this plan, as I see it so far, is that apparently it bothers some people to *read* about it. Well too bad.

Of course my plan could also be a problem if I didn't have any play partners willing to respect these limits. But I do, and I value them highly.

*We* aren't having any trouble with it. The rest of you, get off my back!

_____________________________

I REMAIN RESPECTFULLY SUBMITTED
,LOVEles,
jamesthehumanrug

(in reply to DelightfulSpirit)

Post #: 12

RE: "No-sex bdsm" (subtitled "Get Off My... - 9/19/2006 9:42:28 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

I have no problem with your own views on how you want to live your life, but remember that only applies to you, and you cannot apply to everyone else. If I was into what you are into I would term it "bottoming" because I was not full on submitting, but only playing, and to me that is not submission. I do not expect you to share my views, and they are mine. There is nothing wrong with sensation play with a top. There is nothing wrong with not having full on genital sex with your top. To me submission and dominance are not about sex only, but they are about following another's lead. If the dom wants sex, and you are not submitting to it, well that is just not submission to me. I am not defining your situation, only you can.

I am a submissive no matter if I am bottoming or submitting, that does not change. Some people will disagree and say you can submit in casual play.. for them this may be true.. for me it is untrue.I can only submit truly to someone I consider to be my dominant, and if my dominant wants sex, he gets it.

Sex is not the only part of any intimate relationship, but it is an important part. You can have a D/s relationship without it, and you can have a marriage without it too. If both people have their needs met that is what makes it work. If you have a dom that could care less about it, then it works for you... it would not work for me, but to each their own.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to DelightfulSpirit)

Post #: 13

RE: "No-sex bdsm" (subtitled "Get Off My... - 9/19/2006 9:56:14 PM

Frank01

Posts: 270
Joined: 9/7/2006
Status: offline

Worry not about the pack.

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 14

RE: "No-sex bdsm" (subtitled "Get Off My... - 9/19/2006 10:26:59 PM

DelightfulSpirit

Posts: 22
Joined: 11/23/2005
Status: offline

Yes, of cours you are right. At this time I am bottoming. It is a relief to submit but I'm not in a position to do so now... except a little bit, in scene, once I feel safe and in good hands for that specified time period. For ongoing, requires more of a relationship.

_____________________________

Surrendering to the Mother Goddess
is the most sacred form of D/s.
~ Mystress Angelique Serpent

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 15

RE: "No-sex bdsm" (subtitled "Get Off My... - 9/19/2006 10:27:59 PM

DelightfulSpirit

Posts: 22
Joined: 11/23/2005
Status: offline

Thank you, Frank01. It is good to be reminded :-)

_____________________________

Surrendering to the Mother Goddess
is the most sacred form of D/s.
~ Mystress Angelique Serpent

(in reply to Frank01)

Post #: 16

RE: "No-sex bdsm" (subtitled "Get Off My... - 9/20/2006 12:04:31 AM

Nimkii

Posts: 67
Joined: 11/22/2004
Status: offline

why can't people just enjoy and take what comes there way

(in reply to DelightfulSpirit)

Post #: 17

RE: "No-sex bdsm" (subtitled "Get Off My... - 9/20/2006 4:03:40 AM

twicehappy

Posts: 2706
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DelightfulSpirit

Why do I want to have "no-sex" bdsm? Frankly, because so many people want me, and I don't want to have sex with "so many people"

Perhaps you are getting so many responses because of what you list you are seeking in your profile;

Actively Seeking:
Dominant Women
Dominant Men
Dom/Dom Couples
Friends Only
Joining a Poly Group

When folks use their search feature they have the option of clicking on" actively searching for" which would make your profile pop up 5 different types of searches. Like almost all of us on collarme you are also going to get emails from those who do not read your profile, just do what the rest of us do and delete them.

I have to agree with ND here in that it appears you are trying to redefine BDSM to suit your own wants and needs; that is fine but you cannot hold it against the rest of those in the lifestyle for expecting you to function within their definitions.

Find someone whose definitions match your own.

You define your marriage as poly; do you have others actively involved in your relationship? Because poly is loving more than one, what I have seen described so far sounds like an open marriage or swinging.

quote:

*We* aren't having any trouble with it. The rest of you, get off my back!

If you really do not want comments or opinions on how you personally are defining bdsm, poly or bisexuality opening a thread on the subject was probably not the best idea. Because now not only are you going to get opinions from emails but a whole bunch of them on here, some of which will give you the standard "do what you are comfortable with, define things however they suit you" and some of which are not going to be so kind.

Now I have a question of my own;

What kind of Wicca involves D/s because this is a new one on me?

_____________________________

Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations.

The human heart is not a finite container but an ever expanding universe with all the stars contained there in.

(in reply to DelightfulSpirit)

Post #: 18

RE: "No-sex bdsm" (subtitled "Get Off My... - 9/20/2006 4:29:19 AM

ExSteelAgain

Posts: 1803
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Georgia
Status: offline

I could scene with a woman without having sex with her. I could. I swear I could. I just know I could. I am going to prove it to myself ...one of these days.

_____________________________

You can paint a cinder block bright pastel pink, but it's still a cinder block. (By Me.)

(in reply to twicehappy)

Post #: 19

RE: "No-sex bdsm" (subtitled "Get Off My... - 9/20/2006 4:30:58 AM

twicehappy

Posts: 2706
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Yes, energy exchange happens in everything, all the time. Going to the potty is/can be sacred. But most of the time it's just going to the potty.

ROFLMMFAO...........

quote:

ORIGINAL: ExSteelAgain

I could scene with a woman without having sex with her. I could. I swear I could. I just know I could. I am going to prove it to myself ...one of these days.

Scooter can to......i swear.....if he wanted to....he just doesn't feel like trying right now.......he's the Master so of course he could.....

< Message edited by twicehappy -- 9/20/2006 4:34:19 AM >

_____________________________

Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations.

The human heart is not a finite container but an ever expanding universe with all the stars contained there in.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 20

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