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Oh dear God, what have i gotten myself into... - 9/22/2006 1:09:57 PM   
DreamingLotus


Posts: 6
Joined: 8/16/2006
Status: offline 		This is my first post ever on these forums.  i have been looking through them for advice given to people in similar situations to myself but i just feel so raw and desperate i think i need to hear some friendly voices speaking just to me...

i have been experimenting for quite awhile with mild forms of BDSM, a fascination that for me started in puberty.  i had never played to a really extreme level until a few weeks ago when i met a Dom who i am so goddamn attracted to He literally makes me weak in the knees.  The attraction, i know, is mutual, so much so that we could hardly keep our hands off each other and wanted to play every time we got together.  So i, a relative newb, suddenly found myself in a situation where within two weeks we had five medium to heavy play sessions involving needleplay, heavy canings, prolonged whippings, public play, breathplay, floggings, humiliation, bondage, electrical play, rape play, you name it...  All the things i always dreamed of.  It seemed like a dream come true.

How unprepared i was for how these experiences would, days and weeks later, bring with them feelings of emotional vulnerability, fear, panic, depression, physical illness and a sense of my world completely falling to pieces.  i have pushed and pulled away from my gorgeous, talented but relatively inexperienced Dom as i have become so completely naked and vulnerable before Him, so attached to Him, so desperately needly of his care and affection, that i am afraid if i speak up about it he will be frightened away.  i don't want to seem high maintenance, i am afraid to ask him to slow down for fear He will lose interest (his appetite for sadism seems almost insatiable)...  Holy crap i am in such an awful space i am at a nearly complete loss about what to do.  my state of mind is so altered that a couple of days ago it nearly cost me my job because i simply cannot pull myself together enough to concentrate on anything.  i'm having nightmares, sweats, anxiety attacks and recurrent bouts of hopeless sobbing...

i have tried to relate some of this to Him and he seems to be understanding but His behaviour changes only minorly and He doesn't really know what i am going through.  i know that He has never played to this intensity before either and seems at a bit of a loss as to how to care for me or to know what i need.

i am not even sure if this is making any sense...  i want to tell him everything that is in my heart and mind but i am so frightened of Him because of the way I feel around Him that part of me just wants to push Him away... but whenever i do i feel so lost and lonely and afraid...

What can i do?  How can i make this horrible nightmare end?  i feel like a child caught in a bad dream...

i would be so grateful for any advice from those who have been where i've been or who have a sub or slave who's been through a similar experience.  Thanks!
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Oh dear God, what have i gotten myself into... - 9/22/2006 1:23:40 PM   
Silvermoon


Posts: 156
Joined: 11/24/2004
Status: offline 		For fear of a simple answer...It sounds like SubDrop to me.

http://www.collarchat.com/m_588445/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm

Silvermoon



_____________________________

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"In Manus Tuas Commendo Spiritum Moum"-Into Your Hands I Entrust My Spirit

"A man's word is his honor, his honor is his worth; Therefore a man who can not keep his word, is worthless"-Self Quote

(in reply to DreamingLotus)
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RE: Oh dear God, what have i gotten myself into... - 9/22/2006 1:29:14 PM   
DreamingLotus


Posts: 6
Joined: 8/16/2006
Status: offline 		Yes, i realize it's sub drop, I've done a lot of research into the area over the last few weeks...  But my case seems particularly extreme... and when i don't know for sure i have a Dom i can count on to be there for me if i open my heart to Him, since we've only known each other for a few weeks, and we don't know each other even very well, since most of the time we've spent together has been playing...  i just don't know where to turn.

Thank you for the link though, i will read it carefully.

(in reply to Silvermoon)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Oh dear God, what have i gotten myself into... - 9/22/2006 1:37:23 PM   
Estring


Posts: 3314
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		You probably should have waited and gotten to know the Dom better before such intense play. It sounds like he isn't real concerned over your mental state, but you should talk to him to be sure. Communication is always crucial. He may not even be aware of how you are feeling.
And you need to quit the playing until you sort things out. Good luck.

_____________________________

Boycott Whales!

(in reply to DreamingLotus)
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RE: Oh dear God, what have i gotten myself into... - 9/22/2006 1:39:33 PM   
marieToo


Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DreamingLotus

Yes, i realize it's sub drop, I've done a lot of research into the area over the last few weeks...  But my case seems particularly extreme... and when i don't know for sure i have a Dom i can count on to be there for me if i open my heart to Him, since we've only known each other for a few weeks, and we don't know each other even very well, since most of the time we've spent together has been playing...  i just don't know where to turn.

Thank you for the link though, i will read it carefully.



If you're not sure if he'd be there for you (good and bad) then maybe you shouldn't pursue this with him.  I mean, maybe you should hold off until you feel like you can experience this with someone who you are sure will care about what you are feeling and going through.  I'm not saying that this person doesn't care, but you sound unsure of him.  I would go to him with it, and find out what he's made of.  Then make an informed decision to go on with him or not.  


_____________________________

marie.


I give good agita.









(in reply to DreamingLotus)
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RE: Oh dear God, what have i gotten myself into... - 9/22/2006 1:52:39 PM   
DreamingLotus


Posts: 6
Joined: 8/16/2006
Status: offline 		Yes, i guess i really do need to summon my courage, and tell Him ALL of what i am feeling, and depending on his reaction i will know whether or not to pursue this any further.  It would be so much easier if He weren't so freaking attractive.  *sigh*

(in reply to marieToo)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Oh dear God, what have i gotten myself into... - 9/22/2006 4:07:00 PM   
Silvermoon


Posts: 156
Joined: 11/24/2004
Status: offline 		Dreaming,
I understand, completely, that's why I wrote the article that I did. In all seriousness, support does help. If you like, please feel free to email me.

*gentle hugs*
Silver

_____________________________

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"In Manus Tuas Commendo Spiritum Moum"-Into Your Hands I Entrust My Spirit

"A man's word is his honor, his honor is his worth; Therefore a man who can not keep his word, is worthless"-Self Quote

(in reply to DreamingLotus)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Oh dear God, what have i gotten myself into... - 9/22/2006 4:39:17 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		I think this obviously isn't healthy for you and that you have your priorities completely fucked up.  Get yourself together, get a job, get stable and THEN maybe consider going into a relationship. 

THIS situation is exactly why I laugh at threads like "Image of a slave" where everyone says "Oh slaves are always strong people, of COURSE."

BS- grow up, act like an adult and take responsibility for yourself.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Silvermoon)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Oh dear God, what have i gotten myself into... - 9/22/2006 5:18:13 PM   
diamonddreamlove


Posts: 770
Joined: 5/19/2006
Status: offline 		Kid in a candy store so much to choose and with a pocket full of money you want it all, buy it all and get sick from the richness.  Take time to pull out of the sub drop. Talk to Him if He can't understand, or chooses not to TRY to understand i don't care how gorgeous He is run like hell to find yourself again.  If He does atleast try to understand perhaps there is hope.  Encourage Him to just listen sometimes that helps a lot with subdrop.   Good luck and only you can stop your panic. 

diamond

_____________________________

"Many attempts to communicate are nullified by saying too much." Robert Greenleaf

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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RE: Oh dear God, what have i gotten myself into... - 9/22/2006 5:44:35 PM   
philippesangel


Posts: 6
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline 		"nightmares, sweats, anxiety attacks and recurrent bouts of hopeless sobbing"

Um, not an expert here, but if you haven't played this way before, and are suddenly taking heavy pain, etc, could your symptoms indicate post traumatic stress disorder?

I'd get myself to a mental health pro pronto if I had symtoms like you describe. Your doc, a clinic, the ER, whatever's available. ASAP! And suspend all non-vanilla activities until you're on the mend.

Please keep us posted on your condition.

(in reply to diamonddreamlove)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Oh dear God, what have i gotten myself into... - 9/22/2006 8:56:32 PM   
mixielicous


Posts: 1283
Joined: 4/6/2006
From: Boston area, Massachusetts
Status: offline 		i hate to be the one whose not concerned with the mental state but its late and people have said the right things.

What i wanna know is if he took that picture?

and LA is always blunt.

_____________________________


"lets just say he's a few prawns short of a galaxy"


(in reply to philippesangel)
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RE: Oh dear God, what have i gotten myself into... - 9/22/2006 9:59:52 PM   
philippesangel


Posts: 6
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline 		"depending on his reaction i will know whether or not to pursue this"

He ought to have been asking you questions and more questions, learning your heart and mind as well as your flesh.

(in reply to mixielicous)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Oh dear God, what have i gotten myself into... - 9/22/2006 10:23:25 PM   
MistressTexas


Posts: 425
Joined: 5/30/2006
Status: offline 		Ok Sweetheart, First and foremost, you need to take some nice deep breaths. Oxygen makes everything better. :) Next, you need to realize that this is normal, not all your fault, and nothing to be ashamed of. You mention that these feelings come days and weeks after play. y guess would be that emotionally you weren't ready for the level he took you to (this could have been totally subconscious, or out of a desire to serve), and now you're having thoughts of "omfg how could I have done that." You need to settle down, and sort out why you felt so ok going so fast with this guy. If you sort out the reasons behind why you did it, I bet it will help how you feel now. The other thing it might be is your body releases different chemicals in different levels as different wounds heal. You mentioned some pretty extreme play sessions, some of which were very deeply psychological. My guess would be that your body is overwhelmed with trying to heal itself, and its causing you to feel really really crappy. Again, this is totally normal. I used to watch guys on my wrestling team go through kind of the same thing.. They would train for days/weeks, damn near killing themselves to get psyched up for a match and then...... get their asses handed to them, and they would be completely and utterly devastated. A lot of them had quite a few symptoms you're describing; physical illness, depression, lack of focus, panic attacks, etc etc. Toss in the vulnerability of giving your body over to someone elses control, and I think you're having a totally normal reaction. I think you need someone to talk to, some sleep, comfort food, and something to cuddle. I understand that right now it feels like nothing is ok. And you're right, it does sound like an extreme case, so i think you're smart for asking about it, and even smarter for recognizing it. A lot of people don't recognize the signs, and they just wonder if theyre going nuts. You're not :)  I'm going to hazard a guess and say you and He might need to step up your aftercare in the future so that this doesn't happen. I've emailed you on the other side with a personal email address so you can ask me anything you need to in private.

(in reply to mixielicous)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Oh dear God, what have i gotten myself into... - 9/22/2006 11:22:58 PM   
DreamingLotus


Posts: 6
Joined: 8/16/2006
Status: offline 		Thank you everyone for all your replies of varying natures from very kind to very asskicking.   i really appreciate everyone's support and input.

Tonight my Dom came over and i took a deep breath and told Him everything i have just told you.  He was shocked into silence by how much i had been holding back and He said he wished i had told him everything sooner.  He held me while i sobbed, and then He stayed and visited and we talked about renegotiating my boundaries with Him.  i told Him i was taking a three week holiday from all play and that once i was ready to play again i would play only once a week, with heavy scenes only once every three weeks, and we'll see how that goes.  i also told Him that i would need lots of support and i would need to know i could call him anytime in the days following a scene so He could reassure me and talk me down.  i told him that i was frightened that if i showed him how high-maintenance i was he would not want to be with me anymore, but He reassured me that He did and He would not take me to that level again unless He had the time and energy to devote to the kind of intensive aftercare i need.  i told him that i didn't mind if He played with other subs if He needed to play more often than i could offer him, but He said He didn't need to.  i laughed and teased that none of them would live up to my pain-slut ways anyways and he grinned and hugged me.  He gave me a vanilla-flavoured cigar to cheer me up.  We chatted about vanilla things and hugged and kissed and cuddled for a couple hours and now i feel so much better - it's like a huge weight off my chest.  So for the next few weeks there's going to be no play, and we're going to spend our time together doing vanilla things like watching movies and going to dinner - probably stuff we should have done before we ever played at all, but you know how the hormones can sometimes overrule the brain.

Lesson learned the very, very hard way.  i hope this can serve as an example to other well-meaning but overly enthusiastic new subs who think that just because the body can handle something, the mind can handle it too.  The psychological outfall of too much heavy play - no matter how amazing the play might feel at the time - can be devastating.  Make sure you get to know your Dom/me well, make sure He/She ramps up the intensity slowly, make sure He/She will be available for proper aftercare, and never be afraid or ashamed to ask for what you need.

i don't think there will be any more nightmares tonight.

(in reply to MistressTexas)
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RE: Oh dear God, what have i gotten myself into... - 9/22/2006 11:27:25 PM   
DreamingLotus


Posts: 6
Joined: 8/16/2006
Status: offline 		Oh, and no, He didn't take that pic of me, that was done by a wonderful ex-boyfriend of mine - there's more of his work in my profile.  However, my Dom *is* a very talented fetish photographer - but i don't have any of His pics up in my profile since they involve bondage and thus wouldn't conform to CollarMe rules.

Hmm, i seem to have a thing for photographers...

(in reply to DreamingLotus)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Oh dear God, what have i gotten myself into... - 9/23/2006 8:16:43 AM   
mixielicous


Posts: 1283
Joined: 4/6/2006
From: Boston area, Massachusetts
Status: offline 		i am glad to see everything worked out, and that he was able to understand and not flee, i am happy for you :D

its always nice to not feel pushed away

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"lets just say he's a few prawns short of a galaxy"


(in reply to DreamingLotus)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Oh dear God, what have i gotten myself into... - 9/23/2006 2:13:56 PM   
proudsub


Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline 		It sounds like you now have things under control after going through "sub frenzy" and then "sub drop". Glad to see your dom is so understanding. One other thing bothered me about your original post. You said you are both new to this but you are doing some pretty risky things that i would think would  take some training to do safely. Please be careful.

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proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan


(in reply to DreamingLotus)
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RE: Oh dear God, what have i gotten myself into... - 9/24/2006 6:39:18 AM   
MisPandora


Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DreamingLotus

Yes, i realize it's sub drop, I've done a lot of research into the area over the last few weeks...  But my case seems particularly extreme... and when i don't know for sure i have a Dom i can count on to be there for me if i open my heart to Him, since we've only known each other for a few weeks, and we don't know each other even very well, since most of the time we've spent together has been playing...  i just don't know where to turn.

Thank you for the link though, i will read it carefully.


In my experience, there more to this than subdrop, especially where it concerns the rest of your life.    PLEASE turn to a kink-aware professional therapist.   This is beyond taking a few weeks off from playing or just talking to the top who clearly didn't have all of the information he needed to be engaging in consensual play with you. 

While it's good to get the opinions of other people who are into BDSM, I can't say that it's going to protect your well-being, your job and your LIFE.

< Message edited by MisPandora -- 9/24/2006 6:46:11 AM >

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

(in reply to DreamingLotus)
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RE: Oh dear God, what have i gotten myself into... - 9/24/2006 10:08:24 AM   
MagiksSlave


Posts: 2768
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline 		Ok let me just relate dear that you are not alone.. I get MAJOR subdrop even now with Master i still get it and I would not be with Master still if I felt he would feel me needy or he would run or be unwilling to take care of the issue... I am bipoler and so i guess Im more prone to the savear slave drop as well as slave frenzy, but what makes Master such a great one is his ability to deal with my drops.. I had one this weekend. We had played thrusday but the drop didnt come untill saterday and we were apart... Not that he couldnt come get me or i couldnt go to him more of that it was 2 am and wasnt really in eather of our best interest to venture out, any way he spent hours and I do mean hours on the phone with me while I sobbed my fears to him and after he waited till I was cried out and sounded sleepy befor sending me to bed to sleep a bit.. if Master couldnt do this he wouldnt be my Master.. a Dom who cant do it isnt experianced enough to really take the responsability as a Master at least not a Master to a sub/slave that suffers from sub drop. My edvise SLLOOWWW WAAAYYY DOWNNNN you are moveing two fasst considering you are both new if you feel this insecure with him about this maybe you need to re evaluate your attraction to him... Remeber you need to keep yourself safe and healthy and that means emotionaly too.

edited because jees someone should kick me cuz i didnt read EVERYTHING.. its good your slowing down and takeing a break but it is very improtent to know that if you are prone to sub drop it may not ever go away.. something I am dealing with and not to pleased about but it is how the mind works... putting our body through things that our entire lives we have been taught by the venilla world is very wrong... Hon I am where you are so iffin you need help or a shoulder to cry on Im here for you and know how you are feeling trust me... It does seem to me though that maybe if you are both new that you shoud do LOTS of reserch and maybe have another Dom or even a slave that knows what they are doing teach you how to do the extreme stuff it isnt safe to rush into that even if it is only one time every 3 weeks all it takes is one time done wrong to do real damdage.. Heck Master owns me and he KNOWS how to do breath play and enjoys it yet he hasnt gone there with me yet because I have never done it and he knows im scared if he wanted me to come over now and do it I would because he owns me and I trust him but keep in mind he is experianced and as I have said he does own me. Please be safe and go slow there is no rush trust me no rush to gain the experiance because if you rush it you are bound to gain experiance you DONT want as you have already learned

magik's slave

< Message edited by MagiksSlave -- 9/24/2006 10:20:04 AM >

_____________________________

If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.


-Rodney Atkins-



(in reply to MisPandora)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Oh dear God, what have i gotten myself into... - 10/3/2006 8:35:50 AM   
teamnoir


Posts: 226
Joined: 4/5/2005
From: San Francisco Bay Area California
Status: offline 		I suspect that you need to be post processing your experiences more thoroughly before moving into the next ones. Yes, that probably means slowing down. And Yes, that probably means talking to your partner about it.

This is not an uncommon mistake for a newbie top to make. Personally, I'll push like this too, until my partner calls a slow word, as it were. Better to push to the limit and hear the limit than to disappoint, I figure. At 15 years of experience, I'm probably watching for those lines more intently than he is, checking for them periodically, and likely offering more opportunities for processing with my partners. But some of that is just me because I enjoy that part of the play interaction too.

Journalling can help. Participation in forums can help. Talking with people at munches or discussion groups can help. Without more details about what you're feeling or processing, i can't offer much more in specific.

What I can do is tell you what's likely to happen if you continue as you are, with too little processing, and this quick speed. What's likely to happen is that you will become more and more raw, your boundaries will become more and more easy to bump into, which makes his job of finding interesting play more and more difficult as his options become more and more limited. You will likely become more and more reactive when he does hit your boundaries until eventually, some relatively minor boundary bump will create such a huge issue for you that it will feel to you like a violation, an abuse, and/or a rape. At that point, you'll lose trust in him and that sort of betrayal is extremely difficult from which to recover. You'll find yourself saying something as absurd as, "I told you - never blue paddles on thursday! How could you! You knew that was a hard limit for me and you broke it anyway! You don't respect me! I don't think I can trust you anymore!"

And then you may be back to the forums, the munches, and the discussion groups looking for support recovering from your abusive former dom.

Do yourself and your partner a favor. Start talking to him about how you feel about all this. He needs to know. Whether he wants to or not, he needs to. If he doesn't respect what you have to say now, what you feel now, and feels he absolutely must continue at his current pace rather than match yours, then you already have an unresolvable problem. And I'd submit that you're in a better position to deal with that right now than you will be after a falling out from a broken scene. So talk to him. Now.

(in reply to DreamingLotus)
Profile   Post #: 20
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