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You're just a meanie! (Advice?)


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You're just a meanie! (Advice?) - 9/25/2006 6:12:47 AM   
MCandNuri


Posts: 50
Joined: 9/21/2006
Status: offline
Sorry, this is bound to be long. It's pretty complex brain-stuff.

I've never really identified as a 'switch', but in reading much, I kind of wonder if that isn't the case.
My problem is this, though, my 'sadistic streak', isn't as 'fluffy bunny' as some SERIOUS Domme/Doms I have seen.
What I consider 'fluffy bunny' others see as quite extreme. I guess, to each their own.
M. and I have grown so much in our base relationship, and we're growing more and more into the 24/7 aspect that we both expressed a desire for, from the very start. So, we got to talking about my desire to have a female playmate.
We've browsed a few ads, talked around, etc, and I'm seeing alot of, "I'll submit to HIM, but not to HER, if I'm in a triadish relationship."
Okay, I get that. Sort of.
I wrote one of the girls who said she'd never submit to a female, out of curiousity, but I thought I would post here, for more input.
Our thing is, my 'sadistic streak' is like a blood red evil. (Oh, I am SO dramatic!) It honestly is. I discovered this in my last marriage- I'm just very, very turned on by seeing someone cry. It's not so much inflicting physical pain that I enjoy- though, I do like that, too. I did much soul searching and realized, some of my tendancies run more towards actual abuse and less towards kink.
Or, so I thought. I posted in my blog a while back about how I can get, and quite a number of subs/slave/masschist types responded with almost purring sighs and wishes that they could find someone like me.
Well, that confused me all to hell and back, I tell you.
I find that most fem. tops, just can't handle me. There have been a few very rare exceptions- and I mean, it's nothing sexist- more than a few male tops couldn't either.
Generally, the moment I see what my mind percieves as weakness, I exploit the shit out of it, almost to a level that scares me. It's like, I get so annoyed by the fact that the person has 'said' they are a top, that when they let their guard down, I feel the need to show them what's what. And I'm not at all gentle about it.
In all of our talks, M. and I have decided, that it would be best if we had a 'switch', because well, I like girls. Alot. ;-)
Anyway, we decided a 'switch' because he is not in any form a submissive- so it would have to be someone who would submit to him, but at the same time, be able to maintain a firm grip on me. And, if she failed him, she'd be 'given' to me, to deal with, in addition to whatever punishment he might dole out.
I've seen it kind of put out there, 'roles'- such as Alpha, Beta, etc...and I don't think it would be that way. Morelike, an ever shifting, fluid dynamic.
While M. tends more towards 'traditional' punishments- ie: standing in a corner, spankings, etc, I don't.
For me, the 'pack' dynamic does almost suit, because I do challenge roles, alot.
He's been able to dominate me fairly well, thus far, so, it works. The thing I am having trouble expressing is, if we did eventually find a suitable female playmate for me, and she was dominant to females, she'd have to prove herself on a pretty regular basis.
M. still does, and we've been at it, quite a while.
I've given it alot of thought and I know I am no pain-slut. I don't like it, I don't like the corner, I hate the bit gag, I can't stand being in the cage or tied up. A simple OTK spanking may end up a wrestling/swearing struggle, but in the end (pun intended) I usually lose.
So, for us, everytime we play, it ends up being a power play thing, and that's great. I don't consider my 'submission' any less or more than maybe one who submits just by their nature, that's just how I roll. Your milage may vary and all that.
I guess what I am asking, is, is this all that unusual?
Also, what kind of girl are we really looking for, here? A Domme with sub tendancies towards males? A switch? A sub who will do the topping of me, just because he says so?
I never know how to explain it to anyone, really, apart from making animal references, which makes people think we are into 'puppy play', which, we may be a variation of- but all I've read on it, doesn' -really- seem like us.
Sure, the animal element is there, but I'm not the roll over-wag your tail type puppy.
It has alot to do with my spiritual nature- and I have seen 'furries' on here who might kinda get it, but I don't really identify with furries, as my animal is more inside- more just in my nature. (And yeah, I know it's therianthropy, most people just give me a "huh?" when I mention it by name)
Anyway..if any of this makes sense to you, please, help me out here. I am just never sure how to relate to others. :-(








_____________________________

You spend so much time asking "What would coyote do?"
I think Coyote is laughing- as usual, and answering back, "What WOULDN'T Coyote do?"
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: You're just a meanie! (Advice?) - 9/25/2006 8:54:13 AM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MCandNuri
Our thing is, my 'sadistic streak' is like a blood red evil. (Oh, I am SO dramatic!) It honestly is. I discovered this in my last marriage- I'm just very, very turned on by seeing someone cry. It's not so much inflicting physical pain that I enjoy- though, I do like that, too. I did much soul searching and realized, some of my tendancies run more towards actual abuse and less towards kink.

Usually, what separates abuse from kink is the concept of consent. If you're tearing down people without their consent, you ARE being abusive.

quote:

Or, so I thought. I posted in my blog a while back about how I can get, and quite a number of subs/slave/masschist types responded with almost purring sighs and wishes that they could find someone like me. Well, that confused me all to hell and back, I tell you.

There are people who enjoy every kink you can imagine...and then some.

quote:

I find that most fem. tops, just can't handle me. There have been a few very rare exceptions- and I mean, it's nothing sexist- more than a few male tops couldn't either.

I'm confused...you're going after Tops/Doms and trying to tear then down to show them they're really bottoms/submissives? Or are you rebelling from your bottom role in an attempt to not allow the Topping/Domination that you're asked for? Do you simply want the rebellion to be a part of the relationship? In either case, have consent.

quote:

Generally, the moment I see what my mind percieves as weakness, I exploit the shit out of it, almost to a level that scares me. It's like, I get so annoyed by the fact that the person has 'said' they are a top, that when they let their guard down, I feel the need to show them what's what. And I'm not at all gentle about it.

Exploiting another's weakness is usually projected and redirection. You don't want to look at YOUR weakness. So, why are YOU weak? Doing it in an aggressive manner usually indicates that you hate your weakness a LOT.

quote:

In all of our talks, M. and I have decided, that it would be best if we had a 'switch', because well, I like girls. Alot. ;-)

That just means you're bi or at least het flexible. It has nothing to do with switching.

quote:

Anyway, we decided a 'switch' because he is not in any form a submissive- so it would have to be someone who would submit to him, but at the same time, be able to maintain a firm grip on me. And, if she failed him, she'd be 'given' to me, to deal with, in addition to whatever punishment he might dole out.
I've seen it kind of put out there, 'roles'- such as Alpha, Beta, etc...and I don't think it would be that way. Morelike, an ever shifting, fluid dynamic.
While M. tends more towards 'traditional' punishments- ie: standing in a corner, spankings, etc, I don't.
For me, the 'pack' dynamic does almost suit, because I do challenge roles, alot.
He's been able to dominate me fairly well, thus far, so, it works. The thing I am having trouble expressing is, if we did eventually find a suitable female playmate for me, and she was dominant to females, she'd have to prove herself on a pretty regular basis. M. still does, and we've been at it, quite a while.

I don't personally know of many Dominants who really want to have to prove themselves on a constant basis...but there are out there. Simply be honest about your need to rebel and be put in your place.

quote:

I guess what I am asking, is, is this all that unusual?

Who knows? Does it matter? Come to peace with yourself first…then you’ll find the outside approval is less important. Just go about finding what you want in an honest fashion so that there is no abuse. What I can say it that it’s not unusual to be totally confused about what you want…and to not accept pieces of yourself.

quote:

Also, what kind of girl are we really looking for, here? A Domme with sub tendancies towards males? A switch? A sub who will do the topping of me, just because he says so?

We can't tell you. You must answer this for yourself. Simply start writing down what it is that you want. Then distill it into something concise, then post it.

quote:

I never know how to explain it to anyone, really, apart from making animal references, which makes people think we are into 'puppy play', which, we may be a variation of- but all I've read on it, doesn' -really- seem like us.
Sure, the animal element is there, but I'm not the roll over-wag your tail type puppy.

Try simply stating that you are using the pack relationships as an analogy for what you want, not a literal description of a furry household. If they don't get that, they're not who you want.

In all, simply start writing...it might start out as a fantasy. Take that and look at the important pieces...then expand. It will take a while. I know because I've got this huge manual that I've done explaining what I want and what I offer. It's taken years to get some of the stuff on paper. Be patient and give it time.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to MCandNuri)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: You're just a meanie! (Advice?) - 9/25/2006 11:25:40 AM   
MCandNuri


Posts: 50
Joined: 9/21/2006
Status: offline
Admittedly, in my last marriage, I was abusive. It's something I worked pretty hard to overcome.
The problem isn't "OMG, I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT" exactly, it's explaining that I would prefer a strong woman who can hold her own, but would be willing to submit to him- meaning, if he chose to punish her by letting me be mean to her, that would be allright. Consented, yes.
And the problems explaining, I think, have more to do with me being REALLY long winded and probably worrying a little too much what impression I am giving off.
I have actually thought about that a great deal- the exploitation=progection and I do see it. As I have mentioned in previous posts- it's hard for me to let go of my emotions, and drop control- which is why I do enjoy the intense bondage type play.
However, I also don't think it really has to be a 'hidden psychological problem'- some people just dig being mean. I think that's a part of it with me, too.
The 'rebelling' thing is spot on. I do rebel. I don't think that really came out exactly as I intended- it's..well, my choice in wording was poor. It's not so much 'proving himself' as it is just keeping his authority asserted.
The part where you say my bisexuality has nothing to do with my preference for a switch was also poorly worded- to clarify, I like girls, and -I- would like another partner. I'd personally prefer she be a top, but being as she'd have to submit to him, and 'top' me, I thought that a switch may well be what I was looking for.
In this, I don't really care if it's unusual, so much as I would like to know if there are others out there who can relate- you know, other people to talk to about it.
Thanks for the advice, I imagine once I get done writing out what I want, bouncing it off of him and what he wants, we may end up having a HUGE manual, as well. :-)


_____________________________

You spend so much time asking "What would coyote do?"
I think Coyote is laughing- as usual, and answering back, "What WOULDN'T Coyote do?"

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: You're just a meanie! (Advice?) - 9/25/2006 8:49:22 PM   
defiantbadgirl


Posts: 2988
Joined: 11/14/2005
Status: offline
Sounds like you're looking for a bi-sexual switch who thrives on challenge.

(in reply to MCandNuri)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: You're just a meanie! (Advice?) - 9/26/2006 5:57:37 AM   
MCandNuri


Posts: 50
Joined: 9/21/2006
Status: offline
YAY! Thank you!
If I weren't such a long winded twat, that's EXACTLY what I would have said, myself!
My brain just feels the need to draw everything out in this HUGE, long explaination- a little of what Master Fire said- I'm always a bit afraid someone's going to misconstrue- and the irony is, it's my long windedness that makes them do just that. :-)


_____________________________

You spend so much time asking "What would coyote do?"
I think Coyote is laughing- as usual, and answering back, "What WOULDN'T Coyote do?"

(in reply to defiantbadgirl)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: You're just a meanie! (Advice?) - 9/26/2006 7:14:25 AM   
greysunnydays


Posts: 17
Joined: 6/26/2006
Status: offline
Hmph.....I have quite the sadist streak my self. I consider my self slave, and being into pain or dishing it out has nothing to do with being a sub or Dom (in my eyes at least.). I just like seeing others cry. ^.^. So perhaps you're just a subby sadist. W00T!

Erm, yeah. Ponder that a bit, I'd write more, but I do believe the baby is crying.

Tata


_____________________________

I dont wanna
Break these chains
Poison
One look could kill
My pain, your thrill
I want to love you but I better not
Touch
I want to hold you but my senses
Tell me to stop

-Alice Cooper 'Poison'

(in reply to MCandNuri)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: You're just a meanie! (Advice?) - 10/2/2006 2:18:16 AM   
Tenebrious


Posts: 101
Joined: 2/28/2005
From: right behind you
Status: offline
I'm still not totally clear on what exactly you're looking for.  Your original post leads me to believe (and please correct me if I'm wrong) that you have arrived at seeking a switch simply because you've had trouble finding a woman that will submit to both of you.  If my understanding is correct, my opinion is that you shouldn't focus just on finding a switch, but search for any woman that is somewhere in the range of male-submissive/female-dominant and total submissive.  My suggestion (based on my understanding of your situation) is that you state that you are looking for a female to be submissive to M and if not initially willing to be submissive to you, at least be willing to be challenged regularly.  If you feel my assessment is accurate enough it could be a simple way to convey the basics of your complex situation.

As far as whether or not you might be a switch, I personally think you only need to further classify it if you believe it will serve some purpose.  I actually fluctuate quite a bit myself, so I only use "switch" as a way to avoid having to change my classification from Dom to sub and back all the time.

(in reply to greysunnydays)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: You're just a meanie! (Advice?) - 10/12/2006 3:25:33 PM   
beltainefaerie


Posts: 610
Joined: 4/15/2006
Status: offline
I am a switch who loves to see people cry.  I have a couple that I play with regularly, as a slave, though occasionally I have topped my sister slave as Master wished. (which really is still submissive as my goal is pleasing him).  I also have a brat that I play with separately.  We are all mutual friends, though and occasionally Maste joins me in topping her.

I love crying as a submissive, but it takes a lot to get me there.  I think part of why I love tears is knowing what a tremendous release it can be when you cry.  Whether from emotional/psychological aspects of play, or just because it hurts, the crying can open up new worlds.  I also love the way my sister slave looks when Master makes her cry.  Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on my mood), the tears also turn on the sadist in Him hardcore, so what started as a sensual scene can get intense quickly if either of us cry.  When I've been in charge, I have yet to take my brat to the point of tears in play, but I do understand the desire.  There is also temendous power in having that particular control over someone and being able to push all the buttons just right.
I pretty much think that whatever gets you off, you'll find someone that loves it too.

Good luck!

(in reply to Tenebrious)
Profile   Post #: 8
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