Sorry, this is bound to be long. It's pretty complex brain-stuff.
I've never really identified as a 'switch', but in reading much, I kind of wonder if that isn't the case.
My problem is this, though, my 'sadistic streak', isn't as 'fluffy bunny' as some SERIOUS Domme/Doms I have seen.
What I consider 'fluffy bunny' others see as quite extreme. I guess, to each their own.
M. and I have grown so much in our base relationship, and we're growing more and more into the 24/7 aspect that we both expressed a desire for, from the very start. So, we got to talking about my desire to have a female playmate.
We've browsed a few ads, talked around, etc, and I'm seeing alot of, "I'll submit to HIM, but not to HER, if I'm in a triadish relationship."
Okay, I get that. Sort of.
I wrote one of the girls who said she'd never submit to a female, out of curiousity, but I thought I would post here, for more input.
Our thing is, my 'sadistic streak' is like a blood red evil. (Oh, I am SO dramatic!) It honestly is. I discovered this in my last marriage- I'm just very, very turned on by seeing someone cry. It's not so much inflicting physical pain that I enjoy- though, I do like that, too. I did much soul searching and realized, some of my tendancies run more towards actual abuse and less towards kink.
Or, so I thought. I posted in my blog a while back about how I can get, and quite a number of subs/slave/masschist types responded with almost purring sighs and wishes that they could find someone like me.
Well, that confused me all to hell and back, I tell you.
I find that most fem. tops, just can't handle me. There have been a few very rare exceptions- and I mean, it's nothing sexist- more than a few male tops couldn't either.
Generally, the moment I see what my mind percieves as weakness, I exploit the shit out of it, almost to a level that scares me. It's like, I get so annoyed by the fact that the person has 'said' they are a top, that when they let their guard down, I feel the need to show them what's what. And I'm not at all gentle about it.
In all of our talks, M. and I have decided, that it would be best if we had a 'switch', because well, I like girls. Alot. ;-)
Anyway, we decided a 'switch' because he is not in any form a submissive- so it would have to be someone who would submit to him, but at the same time, be able to maintain a firm grip on me. And, if she failed him, she'd be 'given' to me, to deal with, in addition to whatever punishment he might dole out.
I've seen it kind of put out there, 'roles'- such as Alpha, Beta, etc...and I don't think it would be that way. Morelike, an ever shifting, fluid dynamic.
While M. tends more towards 'traditional' punishments- ie: standing in a corner, spankings, etc, I don't.
For me, the 'pack' dynamic does almost suit, because I do challenge roles, alot.
He's been able to dominate me fairly well, thus far, so, it works. The thing I am having trouble expressing is, if we did eventually find a suitable female playmate for me, and she was dominant to females, she'd have to prove herself on a pretty regular basis.
M. still does, and we've been at it, quite a while.
I've given it alot of thought and I know I am no pain-slut. I don't like it, I don't like the corner, I hate the bit gag, I can't stand being in the cage or tied up. A simple OTK spanking may end up a wrestling/swearing struggle, but in the end (pun intended) I usually lose.
So, for us, everytime we play, it ends up being a power play thing, and that's great. I don't consider my 'submission' any less or more than maybe one who submits just by their nature, that's just how I roll. Your milage may vary and all that.
I guess what I am asking, is, is this all that unusual?
Also, what kind of girl are we really looking for, here? A Domme with sub tendancies towards males? A switch? A sub who will do the topping of me, just because he says so?
I never know how to explain it to anyone, really, apart from making animal references, which makes people think we are into 'puppy play', which, we may be a variation of- but all I've read on it, doesn' -really- seem like us.
Sure, the animal element is there, but I'm not the roll over-wag your tail type puppy.
It has alot to do with my spiritual nature- and I have seen 'furries' on here who might kinda get it, but I don't really identify with furries, as my animal is more inside- more just in my nature. (And yeah, I know it's therianthropy, most people just give me a "huh?" when I mention it by name)
Anyway..if any of this makes sense to you, please, help me out here. I am just never sure how to relate to others. :-(
You spend so much time asking "What would coyote do?"
I think Coyote is laughing- as usual, and answering back, "What WOULDN'T Coyote do?"