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about power...... - 1/16/2005 9:13:53 PM   
match2u


Posts: 131
Joined: 11/15/2004
Status: offline 		may you so kind and tell me who holds the power at least in a relationship liek D/s or M/s?
so often you find the statement the one who really holds the power is the sub, cause she is the one setting the limits - and thats far beyond the point topping from the bottom - smile.
anyway in a M/s relation the slave give up limits much more than a sub. or did i misunderstood anything?
what is your experience and how to you handle this in your relation?

thanks a lot.....

petra
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: about power...... - 1/16/2005 9:49:30 PM   
RealityFix


Posts: 156
Joined: 8/12/2004
Status: offline 		I'm sure thier submission seems just as profound to a sub as a slave, but there's a huge difference.

The sub holds the power by setting the limitations and boundaries.

A slave allows the Master to do this,thereby ceding a more complete control to him.

(in reply to match2u)
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RE: about power...... - 1/16/2005 11:07:23 PM   
Suleiman


Posts: 1127
Joined: 9/9/2004
Status: offline 		Who is really in charge really depends on whom you ask. I find that very often, the dominant will say that the submissive is, while the submissive will insist that it is the dominant. Both are correct, from their point of view.

The truth of the matter is that you are, to whatever degree you choose to be.

_____________________________

Think of my verbosity as a sort of litmus test for our relationship. I write in a manner identical to how I speak and how I think. If you can not cope with what I have written here, it is probably for the best if we go our separate ways.

(in reply to match2u)
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RE: about power...... - 1/17/2005 10:46:20 AM   
perverseangelic


Posts: 2625
Joined: 2/2/2004
From: Davis, Ca
Status: offline 		I believe that the submissive partner holds one power- the power to leave. Were that power stripped, it would be a non-consensual relationship. Some say that having the power to leave negates the dominant partner's power all together, but as I see it that's a rather last-ditch type of power.

Other than that, while it depends on one's dynamic, of course, I believe that power belongs to the dominant partner. He/she can choose to reliquish elements of that power (ie- have the submissive partner manage the check book) but all power comes from him/her save the submissive partners ability to leave at any time.

_____________________________

~in the begining it is always dark~

(in reply to Suleiman)
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RE: about power...... - 1/17/2005 11:30:44 AM   
BeachMystress


Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline
Like any relationship, power rests with both people. The sub retains the power to say no, to safeword, to set limits and in a worst case scenario, to leave. However, the sub doesn't want to say no, safeword or leave. They are there to serve and their power is more in terms of a fail safe. The Dominant carries the day to day power. They are the one waited upon, served and pleased. They make the decisions where to eat (usually,) when to do things, how to do things and such. It is their job to guide their sub in the proper direction and to apply punishment commensurate with infraction so they may learn and grow as a submissive.

_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

(in reply to match2u)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: about power...... - 1/17/2005 3:34:10 PM   
Moleculor


Posts: 189
Joined: 5/23/2004
Status: offline 		*grabs his jumper cables*

I hold the power! *zap zap*

(in reply to BeachMystress)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: about power...... - 1/17/2005 4:11:28 PM   
Tristan


Posts: 330
Joined: 5/31/2004
Status: offline 		A bdsm relationship is like any other relationship - you need two people. Take away the submissive or the dominant, and you no longer have a relationship. Beyond that basic fact, I suppose it's basically the personalities that define the boundaries. Plenty of submissive top from the bottom.

(in reply to Moleculor)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: about power...... - 1/17/2005 8:54:16 PM   
FangsNfeet


Posts: 3758
Joined: 12/3/2004
Status: offline 		TRUST and RESPECT is the real power. Do you trust me? Can I trust you to be perfectly still as I There's your answer.

_____________________________

I'm Godzilla and you're Japan

(in reply to match2u)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: about power...... - 1/18/2005 2:07:35 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline 		In creating and maintaining a D/s or M/s relationship, both Dom and sub have *equal* power. Each has what the other wants, needs and desires of a partner and each has the right to end the relationship if they feel it necessary....

But control within the relationship is another matter. D/s and M/s is defined by unequal control but it's not abusive as the sub willingly gives up control to the dominant. Yes, the dominant requires the sub's consent in taking that greater control but it's the only way a healthy D/s-M/s relationship can begin and evolve! The sub does not hold relationship power through permission as the permission is always implied once the relationship is formed. ie, the sub doesn't get to just say no when it suits.

Limits and safe-words etc are about safety and common sense and are rarely used or even an issue in a working D/s-M/s relationship. The sub holding power is only theory as no true dominant would allow themselves to be manipulated this way.... And I've yet to meet a sub/slave who'd desire such a notion - they wanna be controlled! If I felt my sub believed she held power over me through her consent, I'd invoke my own power to end the relationship. WE need each other or it doesn't work at all!

Focus50.

(in reply to match2u)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: about power...... - 1/18/2005 3:16:49 AM   
LordODiscipline


Posts: 995
Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline 		I find the whole "the submissive holds the power" agrument specious and simply reverse psychological babble.

Mind me - in every relationship is is going to be different. But, to state that in a power exchange relationship where one person is "dominant" and the other is "submissive"it is a sincerely and idiotically rhetorical statement to say that the submissive is in control. (think about the root meaning of those terms)

It negates the entire premise of the relational dynamics through the reversal of it basic principle.

Certainly the submissive can "walk" at any time. But, so can the dominant toss her out the door. That is the end of the relationship - not it's dynamics. And, to allow the submissive the control based on whether they will leave is negating the responsibility one allegedly has. It is tatamount to blackmail in the relationship and is sincerely distasteful to me.

I started hearing this drivel some time in the 1990's when the pop-psychology movement of "you are ok, I am ok" was fully making it's inroad into our lives in a most egregious way... and, (as always) we suddenly had people who were 'touchy feely' and concerned that their partner was completely taken care of emotionally to the extent that they would pander to their every whim.

I refer to it as the 'romantic phenomenon' in BDSM... and, although romance has it's place for special occasions - it should not (in my opinion) derail the reason, demean the rational, or destroy the dynamic.

Just my opinion.

~J

< Message edited by LordODiscipline -- 1/18/2005 3:17:34 AM >

(in reply to match2u)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: about power...... - 1/18/2005 4:05:16 PM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

may you so kind and tell me who holds the power at least in a relationship like D/s or M/s?


petra,
The relationship holds the power.

The most Dominant Master holds power over nothing without a slave or at least a submissive; and a submissive only represents potential without serving a Dom. Limits and all the other trappings are just different degrees of sensation.

(in reply to match2u)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: about power...... - 1/18/2005 4:20:09 PM   
INSIDEYOURMIND


Posts: 483
Status: offline
quote:

The relationship holds the power.


This were the power lies.

What is a Dominant, dominant of if he doesn't have a submiisive?

In a vanilla relationship, the exchange of power seems to cycle up and down, but if you really look at a vanilla couple, there is always one that is dominant over the other, they may not call it D/s, or M/s, but it really is the same thing.

My sub has relinquished her power to me, this doesn't mean that she does not have an opinion, and it also does not mean that she lives life as a brainless ninny. It means to us that she belongs to me, and trusts me with her being.

What the exchange means to you is determined by you and yours.

_____________________________

If I got smart with you.................
How would you know?

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: about power...... - 1/18/2005 5:14:44 PM   
LordODiscipline


Posts: 995
Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline

quote:

What is a Dominant, dominant of if he doesn't have a submiisive?


I have always considered this a huge misnomer....

....whether I am in a relationship and have someone to dominate....

....or, whether I am single...

I am still a dominant personality and therefore simply "am".

Kinda like a submissive personality... does not change with a relationship starting or ending.

~J


(in reply to INSIDEYOURMIND)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: about power...... - 1/18/2005 6:50:02 PM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

I am still a dominant personality and therefore simply "am".


~J,

The subject wasn't personality it was 'power'.


Agreed - personality doesn't change.

(in reply to LordODiscipline)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: about power...... - 1/19/2005 12:20:21 PM   
INSIDEYOURMIND


Posts: 483
Status: offline
quote:

I am still a dominant personality and therefore simply "am".


I agree with the dominant personality, but if you are alone, who's listening?

_____________________________

If I got smart with you.................
How would you know?

(in reply to LordODiscipline)
Profile   Post #: 15
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