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Two Poems - 9/28/2006 6:37:29 AM

zenfull2

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I wasn't quite sure where to put these sooo I decided I would post them here to share them. If there is a specific category for this kind of thing please if someone could direct me there I would happily delete this and move it to its proper destination.

"Him"

+Dominating fantasies, aching for a lifetime unending.
+Complete servitude gifted to the One that Owns my heart.
+Soul willingly chained, bound for His pleasure.
+Wrists symbolically held by my Masters will.
+Every aspect of my life, spent in devotion.
+Scarlet welts revealed in terms of loyalty.
+Captivating moments wrapped within Protective Arms.
+Held breathless at His command- waiting.
+Bended knees hold me cherished at His feet.
+Head held with pride of being kept- Masters sacred pet.
+Throat encircled by symbolic submissions.
+Respectful gaze supplicating my will.
+My life, My future, My destiny- Him.

"Calculated Asphyxiation"

[Hidden movements shadowed by the blinding of my eyes]
[Each step echoing within the chambers of my mind]
[Straining to listen, sweet anticipations of movements yet to pass]
[Overwhelmed by endorphins running rampant in my soul]
[Sudden captivation of my slender throat- strong hands]
[Falling breathless as my sensations spring to life without hesitations]
[Panic finds its path upon my body, begining by my lungs]
[Lifes vaite pumping fierce with each beating of my heart]
[Release as oxygen returns with fading grasp]
[Flesh crawls with fleeting sensation till once again I feel]
[Consumed by His control as breaths remain unfelt]
[Daunting passions, exposed by Calculated Aspyxiations]

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RE: Two Poems - 9/28/2006 6:46:53 AM

meatcleaver

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I know you didn't ask for a critique but what you need to do is edit out all adjectives and use nouns and verbs to build up images. The writer needs the reader to empathize with the experience of the poem so you need it to be fairly concrete.

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RE: Two Poems - 9/28/2006 6:51:45 AM

agirl

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( wrong place to say this).....but *Nice to see you again meatcleaver*.

agirl

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RE: Two Poems - 9/28/2006 6:52:37 AM

zenfull2

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Which poem are you speaking of? *curious look* Personally I was pretty happy with these. They were written in a manner that I normally do not tend to write and I found them enticing.

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RE: Two Poems - 9/28/2006 6:55:45 AM

zenfull2

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Breathless

a small breath
wanting to be truly
taken
by His hand
His grasp
a grasp unknown
needed
ached for
body writhing
twisting with desire
that need
to breath
not to breath

Bound for His Pleasure

Satin smooth skin becomes bared,
silk rope bindings aling heated flesh,
captivated by the restraints of His will,
Held in supplicated submissions,
i am bound for His pleasure.

Warmth of red hands mark rounded ass,
vulnderable, exposed, opened to Him,
locked admist His grip so tight,
writhing, churning, whimpers heard,
i am bound for His pleasure.

kept secure in needful dispair,
wanting, yearning, aching for more,
His touch ignights that delicious tug,
deeper in that space i wander,
i am bound for His pleasure.

i am bound for His pleasure.

Edit: Editing to include that these both are written by myself as well.

< Message edited by zenfull2 -- 9/28/2006 6:56:30 AM >

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RE: Two Poems - 9/28/2006 6:58:19 AM

meatcleaver

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Hi agirl!

zenfull, if you seriously want advice or a critique I'd be happy to give you one but a public forum is probably not the best place. But go through your poem logically, there are many contradictions and it is more seductive for the reader if they are given images rather than explanations in how you feel.

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RE: Two Poems - 9/28/2006 7:03:58 AM

zenfull2

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Feel free to message me privately meatcleaver and give me your critique. I am used to constructive critisism due to the art classes and yes even poetry classes that I have taken. All of the poems I have posted here in this thread however were written during an impassioned moment, and when I re-read them I felt that they displayed the way that I felt- at that time, and choose not to edit them. However I am more than willing to accept a "cc" about my work. In fact I would be happy for such.

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RE: Two Poems - 9/28/2006 7:17:27 AM

lalbobbilynn

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Thank you for sharing zenfull. Is all relative really........

Here are few as well....... they can expond on what .meat cleaver is saying to you........

Harlem [Dream Deferred] by Langston Hughes;
We Wear the Mask by Paul Lawrence Dunbar
Tears Fall in My Heart by Paul Verlaine
The Gardener by Rabindranath Tagore
Wanting to Die by Anne Sexton
and of course
Still I Rise by Maya Angelou

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RE: Two Poems - 9/28/2006 7:19:04 AM

meatcleaver

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I have to rush off now and do some work but I'll message you later this evening when I can sit down and give you a more thoughtful reply.

I always find that passion blinds me to technique and its always worth coming back to a poem once the passion has passed and I'm more cold and intellectually in control.

While passion inspires ideas, it rarely gives a good measure of artistry.

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RE: Two Poems - 9/28/2006 7:23:38 AM

meatcleaver

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quote:

ORIGINAL: lalbobbilynn

Harlem [Dream Deferred] by Langston Hughes;
We Wear the Mask by Paul Lawrence Dunbar
Tears Fall in My Heart by Paul Verlaine
The Gardener by Rabindranath Tagore
Wanting to Die by Anne Sexton
and of course
Still I Rise by Maya Angelou

Some good choices.

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RE: Two Poems - 9/28/2006 7:24:46 AM

zenfull2

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Thank you both, i will take a look at said links when i come back but am gunna go watch Failure to Launch. I look forwards to your words meatcleaver and you have a point and perhaps I will have to revise them.

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RE: Two Poems - 9/28/2006 7:37:05 AM

lalbobbilynn

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Overflowing with gratitude meatcleaver!! Those are a few of my most favored!!

Was speaking to another CM member about a very insightful poem:

The Lady of Sharlott.... the 1842 version............. not the 1832 version.

Also zenfull...... go to Poetry.com. The helpful hints and such will give you a perspicacious view.

Blue Italian Sky is note-worthy!!!!!!!

he-he