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RE: First meeting tendencies. - 9/28/2006 9:28:23 PM

Owned1

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From: Toronto, Ontario
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diaphane, you bring out a really good point. Often we are scarcastic and off hand to what seem to be stupid or rediculous posts, however by truly responding honestly it gives the information to those who might be reading but afraid to post.

As you so well stated if I had had the opportunity to read posts such as this when I first started out I the decisions I made would have been much easier.

For many they make the decision that seems easy up front but is not the best, safest or healthiest choice.

Owned

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RE: First meeting tendencies. - 9/28/2006 10:23:23 PM

leathermaster13

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Joined: 9/22/2006
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Dude, you're trying too hard.

Public places are great. I'm fond of Starbucks because they are everywhere. But first meetings are about just that - first meetings, not first scenes.

Just relax. Get to know the person. Be prepared with a list of questions so you can decide if he/she is the right person for you. I find it helpful to start slowly and gently probe deeper to see if the person is truly sincere or if they're hiding something. Honesty cannot be undervalued here.

I also find it helpful to ask if there is any traumatic childhood or adult experience that may interfere with play, such as physical or sexual abuse. I try to understand the whole person as much as I can and also open myself up to them. This is not a d/s relationship yet. It is just two people with possibly common interests who need to know each other somewhat intimately before agreeing to submit or dominate.

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RE: First meeting tendencies. - 9/30/2006 7:46:47 AM

zero69u2

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Joined: 7/12/2004
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First Meeting, get a feel for who the person is. Try watching Blind Date and 5th wheel other shows on TV.. and do the opposite of whatever the losers do on that show.

I know clothing requests are something i enjoy doing.. If i know what kind of first date i want and have a specific agenda. (Dinner, Dancing) then i can request a certain dress to go along with the evening event plans.

As for meeting places.. Always have phone number of person,
Always agree to a meeting place that your comfortable with. (starbucks, holiday inn, porkchop house)
(if distance is greater then 200 miles consider getting a motel and cleaning up before calling to meet.) This gives you time to get out of your car, take a shower and get re-dressed in whatever attire you plan on wearing.

Your plan of approach seems to rigid. (eye contact restrictions,excetra)
first meetings are for getting to know someone. I'd skip those tactics for enforcing discipline. Your not her Dom yet and grabbing her leg would get you face slapped or worse.

If you want here's a pro tip.. Buy a pair of leather bracelets.. wrap them up as a present. give them to her after dinner.
tell her its your desire to start off the relationship and that the gift is something for her to remember you.
If you think that's a bit over the top.. you could go with flowers, candy, something for her to wear or some smaller nilla gift.. your results may vary depending on how your mutual chemistry goes and how you deliver the gift and your intent.

Testing your sub's mettle.. not till several months down the road..
Well one way, would be aquire a second Dom/Domme Identity.
Emailing her as another prospective dominant entirely.. See if she rejects the second dominant's advances based on having a relationship with you already.. If she's willing to cheat on you then you need to know that.. and the punishment could be quite severe..

eyecontact restrictions and verbal restrictions.. i'd avoid these. Its like bringing too many toys thru the airport.. just don't do it.

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RE: First meeting tendencies. - 9/30/2006 8:40:19 AM

teachmeplease

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I want to thank everyone for their opinions.. it has helped me immensly especialy being new. Having at least the guidance of several people, though on forums only, still, makes it a little easier for me to be more at ease.

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RE: First meeting tendencies. - 9/30/2006 3:53:19 PM

velvetears

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Any kind of "test" like that on a first meet would definately put me off. i would have politely said no to you and then you would have known what my "mettle or potential" was. i don't think expectations like that are appropriate when you are just getting to know the person - how is that fair to her that you get to ask all the questions so YOU can make the decision to go further - what about her own need to find out what your "mettle or potential" is. This seems to me a very onesided approach and would definately be a "scratch this one off the list" for me.

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RE: First meeting tendencies. - 9/30/2006 4:05:55 PM

kittean

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quote:

ORIGINAL: myburningsoul

I'm curious as to what other Doms do during a first meeting with an on-line Sub to determine is s/he is "the One" (assuming you are monogonous, like me)?

One obviously engages in on-line discussion for a bit to determine theoretical compatability, but when you meet in-person for the first time what is your personal protocol?

i may be talking out of turn... but if the average vanilla relationship takes at least 6 months to go from dating to engaged ... how can One find "the one" in just one meeting? A sub may respond well under that circumstance ... but it may be out of fear or humiliation, not because the are actually giving themselves over to the "Top" (insert Y/your favorite word here) And just the opposite... One may find a good bottom, but miss out because they are not trained to respond well yet in public.... To me that might lead to a false image of the sub.....

Just like you dont pull the wedgie out in front of your boss.. not because you dont WANT to.. it is just because you know you shouldnt (and dont) do that in front of him....

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RE: First meeting tendencies. - 9/30/2006 4:46:47 PM

Demonwolf

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Joined: 11/15/2004
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I have been online since the birth of internet and fully aware that some people do not claim to be who they are in real life. For a first meeting I do not need to bring any D/s skills with me. I know to bring my social skills, has well has my intelligence to understand someone better in person.

I see this world lack on collar me and more in the UK has well. Patience is the key to unlock the trust of a submissive person. So a first meeting should be something so simple, like coffee and a chat about weather for all I care. What is important I am getting my first interaction in real life, of someone you could end up submitting there life to me. Of course if there is a strong connected on a first meeting, and then may be in a second meeting we would bring some areas of D/s into our meeting.

Interesting outlook, but for me I am sticking with social skills and my intelligence to understand someone better.

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RE: First meeting tendencies. - 9/30/2006 4:59:13 PM

KnightofMists

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quote:

ORIGINAL: myburningsoul

The system I've taken to using is thus: in a public place (like a cafe) require eye contact and verbal restrictions. She is told to not look anywhere but at her coffee and not to say anything except "Yes" or "No". Then, under the table, I stroke her leg/thigh and ask her a serious of "embarrising" questions to answer. If she can answer all of them without deviating from the initial eye contact/verbal restriction and not reveal any uncomfortableness to the scenario, then I assume she has enough potential to continue forward in the relationship.

So how is that working for you?

I can't help wonder if your curious about what others do because what you are trying to do isn't working.

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RE: First meeting tendencies. - 9/30/2006 6:12:59 PM

Missokyst

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I would either walk out or turn the tables on him. More often than not, flipping over to the topside of me shows what kind of sub the guy can be.
No freakin way would I allow a first time meeting to be a "sub test"
That's not to say I haven't ever felt sub with a first meeting. I have. But it would never be with someone who pulled that sort of chit on me.
Kyst

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

Personally if you tried to do that crap to me without gaining my verbal consent I would get up and walk out on you

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RE: First meeting tendencies. - 9/30/2006 6:15:38 PM

Missokyst

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You bring up a very excellent point!
Kyst

quote:

ORIGINAL: velvetears
how is that fair to her that you get to ask all the questions so YOU can make the decision to go further - what about her own need to find out what your "mettle or potential" is. This seems to me a very onesided approach and would definately be a "scratch this one off the list" for me.

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RE: First meeting tendencies. - 9/30/2006 9:47:00 PM

RedSavageSlave

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Joined: 9/12/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: zero69u2
Testing your sub's mettle.. not till several months down the road..
Well one way, would be aquire a second Dom/Domme Identity.
Emailing her as another prospective dominant entirely.. See if she rejects the second dominant's advances based on having a relationship with you already.. If she's willing to cheat on you then you need to know that.. and the punishment could be quite severe..

This is extremely juvenile and manipulative. If you cant trust the person you are wanting to be with.. then dont be with them.. but to put them through "tests" such as these only shows YOUR immaturity level...

Just one thought on this.. if HE is the person she is attracted to.. and HE posts under a different name.. HE is still the same HE that she is attracted to.. what if she rejects the so called second identity's advances.. does that mean she is not really attracted to the dom under the first identity and maybe HE should end it because HE is not what she really wants?

How about if we just grow up and act mature like most normal people do in relationships and trust each other until a reason for not trusting presents itself. I know if I were tested and I passed.. I still would never trust the person who "tested" me in the first place.

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Eek! - 10/2/2006 6:58:08 PM

OrbisRex

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It's a date for crying out loud! What ever happened to listening and observing? You should share the moment. A person comfortable with himself doesn't need to bark out orders from the beginning. The off-the-recruit-bus drill sergeant routine during the first true meeting isn't a good test. I can only imagine a very weak submissive looking for a one-nighter would find that thrilling. Where is the challenge?

A dominant earns respect - then trust - then devotion. The process should take time.

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RE: First meeting tendencies. - 10/2/2006 7:44:41 PM

CreoleCook

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Joined: 10/9/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: myburningsoul

I'm curious as to what other Doms do during a first meeting with an on-line Sub to determine is s/he is "the One" (assuming you are monogonous, like me)?

One obviously engages in on-line discussion for a bit to determine theoretical compatability, but when you meet in-person for the first time what is your personal protocol?

I've discovered that, first off, it's better to meet a Sub in her hometown at a neutral location. A D/s relationship is built on trust, which is more readily given in a safe environment. Then an exchange of banter and candid discussion; I must connect with a Sub on more than a physical level, as -- to me -- this is a relationship. But once all that goes smoothly, I need to determine if she is the Sub for me; regardless if the person seems suitable, you don't know the mettle of a Sub until you test them.

The system I've taken to using is thus: in a public place (like a cafe) require eye contact and verbal restrictions. She is told to not look anywhere but at her coffee and not to say anything except "Yes" or "No". Then, under the table, I stroke her leg/thigh and ask her a serious of "embarrising" questions to answer. If she can answer all of them without deviating from the initial eye contact/verbal restriction and not reveal any uncomfortableness to the scenario, then I assume she has enough potential to continue forward in the relationship.

Do any of you other Doms (or Dommes) use a similar tact? And, if so, would you be willing to share?

well, not to put too fine a point on things, your tactics should get you anywhere from 15 to life, if a woman takes offense and has you arrested for assault, considering you are meeting in a public place, on her own turf.

As for my techniques... one thing I like to do, if poosible, is meet in a neutral location, preferably half way in between either of our homes. I like to make sure she has safe calls to make to friends of hers, periodically, throughout the course of our "date," as well as making our "date" innocuous in nature.

Lunch usually works best, since if there is a "spark," this usually leads to spending the day together, and dinner...

If not, we remain friends, and go our separate ways, without investing a whole lot of time, or money finding out we are not for each other.

CC

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RE: First meeting tendencies. - 10/2/2006 7:50:13 PM

subinside

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i have to agree with CC... if a Dom tried to pull that kind of "ordering my eyes down" and "feeling me up under the table"... especially on my turf... he'd definitely be going home a little sore. Just because i'm submissive, and meeting a Dom from online, doesn't mean i'm seeking date rape, which is what that technically boils down to.

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