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New and Slightly Nervous / Afraid - 9/29/2006 6:01:59 PM

Araven

Posts: 149
Joined: 3/16/2006
Status: offline

I suppose I'm looking for a little advice here on maybe some of the first-time jitters and fears, and are mistresses very understanding of these feelings? Do they help new subs work through them? I guess I can preface by saying I'm a total newbie to BDSM, I've just recently started to explore it and actually want to take it very slowly, mostly because I'm a little nervous to jump right in. Mostly because i'de consider myself introverted and rather shy, but also for emotional reasons.

I've been reading that sometimes for new people these experiances can change you? Have any of you mistresses worked with new submissives? Did they change on you? How did they change? I view BDSM more as an emotional bonding than a sexual or physical one.

I've also been researching some of the local groups around my area, are there some tips to keep safe or some red-flags that a submissive should look for?

What it really boils down to for me, is the exchange of power, and the desire that can flow from one person into another by submitting, knowing that you are making somebody pleased by giving them.. yourself, body and soul. But I'm afraid of some of the emotional feelings I might face. Is there any general advice any of you mistresses could give me for getting over the fear, and shyness I might have? I would really appreciate it and be most thankful.

Post #: 1

RE: New and Slightly Nervous / Afraid - 9/29/2006 6:27:58 PM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

Everybody, even us Dommes are somewhat uncertain in the first stages, but we know what we want in life, and like you, when first starting, realize that we should get alot of opinions from all sorts of people, so that we may balance our opinions and feeling in reasonable manner, additionally as you are doing, we find it reassuring and of great value to search out people that are really doing that which we desire, by attending munches and perhaps visiting a few clubs, I should think you are going about it in some of the right ways, and you will become more comfortable, given some time.

Ronne

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to Araven)

Post #: 2

RE: New and Slightly Nervous / Afraid - 9/29/2006 6:34:15 PM

MisPandora

Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline

Have realistic expectations.

Learn the BDSM101 stuff before plunging headlong into a relationship.

Find someone who is looking for what you're looking for.

Specifically look at someone who accomodates novices. (And don't pursue folks like me who make it clear that we want someone with experience -- we have good reason to say what we do, given our individual circumstances.)

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

(in reply to Araven)

Post #: 3

RE: New and Slightly Nervous / Afraid - 9/30/2006 12:37:27 AM

LASub4Real

Posts: 169
Joined: 1/10/2005
Status: offline

My advice, go watch before you put your posterior under the business end of a paddle. Go somewhere local and see some demos. This is different than watching an S&M video in your living room, believe me. Have the patience to talk to several different people in the lifestyle (both Dominants and Submissives) and get as much information as you can. And finally be totally honest with your Dominant play partner about your experience level Never ever ever try to fudge that you have more experience than you actually do.

LAsub

(in reply to Araven)

Post #: 4

RE: New and Slightly Nervous / Afraid - 9/30/2006 2:31:28 AM

mons

Posts: 2400
Joined: 11/16/2005
Status: offline

greetings

you sound so sweet and kind i have new sub and no they did not change on me. they enjoy the time we had i am a domme who prefers submissives who are looking for ltr not a jump in the frying pan. you should make sure what you want is in your profile. some submissve think many dommes want bisexual males i do not want this and many of the dommes do not want it iether so make sure you put what you want do not check boxes because you think we might like them you pcik what you wish i did like how you siad the emotional part of two sould i think you said coming together. you did not just jump in and said i want this or i want that. this is a good sign too me /.

you correct in watching out for you yes i know you a man but you do not ever want to be in a place where you are not able to leave on your own.
pick whom you chioce to play with know them first know all about them as you get to know them after a certain time they do not open up leave they have something to hide

i am glad you wrote and it is a pleasure and being shy is great for me take care good luck

mons

(in reply to Araven)

Post #: 5

RE: New and Slightly Nervous / Afraid - 9/30/2006 8:13:30 AM

BeachMystress

Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline

I've taken on newbie subs before. It is a hard transition for someone new. There are a lot of feelings, such as the very common: "what is wrong with me for wanting this?" It can be frustrating to deal with a newbie sub, because no matter how much care you take, they often bolt for the door after the first taste of real Dominance. Pain actually hurts and having someone else is charge is much more fun in fantasy. Sometimes the newbie comes back a few months later after they've processed their feelings. Often times though, the Domme is too frustrated/angry to take him back. She put time and effort into him, and is unlikely to trust him again after he bolts. That sub usually goes on to another Domme, where he can start with a clean slate.

If you want to do some more reading, I have some links for newer people at http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=5719614&blogID=162797514&Mytoken=D58CE61C-9F8B-40D0-8B86698C424D4F5911235586 I have a lot more links at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Beachs_Dominion/links/ but they are not just for newbies. When you work up the courage to actually meet people, you may want to consider attending a munch. http://www.soj.org/articles/A%20Beginners%20Guide%20to%20BDSM%20Munches.htm

Places for you to find local people into BDSM:
http://www.diverse-paths.com/Calendar/index.html
http://www.nla-okc.com/
http://www.opep.com/
http://www.twisted-events.com/

_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

(in reply to Araven)

Post #: 6

RE: New and Slightly Nervous / Afraid - 9/30/2006 9:11:34 AM

mstrjx

Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

Everybody, even us Dommes blah blah blah

Ronne

A little gender confusion there, big guy? Wearing something a little frilly we can't see there?

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to mnottertail)

Post #: 7

RE: New and Slightly Nervous / Afraid - 9/30/2006 9:32:17 AM

DivaDuchess

Posts: 402
Joined: 8/17/2006
Status: offline

Keep expectations real and grounded. Perhaps looks for a newbie Dom. That way BOTH of you begin with a clean slate as it were. For My house, we have slaves not subs, but the slaves even the newbies haven't done changing in a respect beyond deep feelings. While that does change the dynamics some, it only enriches them. I know that's not much for you, but if you seek earnestly, you'll find an earnest Dom.

_____________________________

Duchess

Courage is not the absence of Fear,
But rather the judgement that,
Something else is more important than Fear.

The Brave may not live forever,
But the Cautious do not live at all.

(in reply to mstrjx)

Post #: 8

RE: New and Slightly Nervous / Afraid - 9/30/2006 2:00:22 PM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

LOL,

No; I am not gender confused, but; by fiat am an honorary Dominatrix. Something which warms my heart and soul.

Seems that a Master is a Master is a Master and that is gender neutral, in my book...we want the same things by and large and have some of the same attitudes (therein is where gender enters tho) but I think my musings (I hardly dare call it advice) are regarded as sound, and befitting the question.

Ron

< Message edited by mnottertail -- 9/30/2006 2:03:19 PM >

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to mstrjx)

Post #: 9

RE: New and Slightly Nervous / Afraid - 9/30/2006 3:48:25 PM

Araven

Posts: 149
Joined: 3/16/2006
Status: offline

Thank you for all the wonderful advice and help! I really do appreciate it, though I think Beachmystress nailed it on the head, I'm still sort of struggling with the "what is wrong with me for wanting this". I guess I'm also very afraid I'll be a big dissapointment, or that I might not enjoy it and anger a domme who choose me. I don't want to be one of those "poof" guys. Once again thank you, I guess I just need to buck it up and try to get some courage.

About munches: Are people generally friendly to newcomers? Is there a way to.. meet/talk with a few people before a munch? I guess I'de be pretty shy about meeting a bunch of people, I'm not very outgoing, but if somebody chats with me I'de chat back. Do.. some of the more experianced people help with the new people?

Sorry for asking so many questions.

(in reply to mnottertail)

Post #: 10

RE: New and Slightly Nervous / Afraid - 9/30/2006 3:51:24 PM

MASTERRocker

Posts: 277
Joined: 9/19/2006
From: Kitchener-Waterloo, ON
Status: offline

Well... the one here is very open and informative... but I cannot speak for everyone else - some professional and blue collar - a good mix

(in reply to Araven)

Post #: 11

RE: New and Slightly Nervous / Afraid - 10/1/2006 8:41:26 AM

BeachMystress

Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Araven

About munches: Are people generally friendly to newcomers? Is there a way to.. meet/talk with a few people before a munch? I guess I'de be pretty shy about meeting a bunch of people, I'm not very outgoing, but if somebody chats with me I'de chat back. Do.. some of the more experianced people help with the new people?

Sorry for asking so many questions.

Never be sorry for asking questions. If you do not ask, you can not learn. I wish I could say that munches are all wonderful and friendly. I also wish I could tell you that everyone in BDSM was mature and kindly disposed. Unfortunately, BDSM reflects the population as a whole. Some munches are very good about welcoming newbies. Our munch goes out of our way to draw them into talking. Even with that, most newbies never return. Because of that statistic, a lot of munches don't much bother with making newcomers feel welcome. (Especially new males, who could be competition for the few females.) If you show up a few times, people generally will start to make an effort to get to know you. As a male sub, continuing attendance at a munch would make you a rarity. Very few male subs go to munches. Often times the male subs who do attend once or twice are looking for the fairy tale BarbieDomme and spurn the ordinary women they find at their table. We have more single Domme than single male subs in our group. It's hard to keep Domme interested in coming, because the males they seek do not go.

Not only would you learn via attendance at a munch, but often times femsubs are friends with a Domme or two. Even if that Domme doesn't attend the munch, if you impress the femsub, she may pass your name along to her friend.

There is nothing "wrong" with you. You were just born different.. like someone who adores Japanese food or hates the color red. If you want to take it to the realm of sexuality, is there something "wrong" with those who are born homosexual? No. It is just different. Being happy with yourself and your life is the best gift you can give yourself. If you try to shove yourself into a white-bread hole, while being a BDSM peg, you'll be miserable. I can not tell you how many 50 year old men I speak with, who wish to hell they'd followed their impulses when they were younger. Having denied them and trying to be "normal" robbed them of half of their life. Try BDSM on for size. If it doesn't fit after a while, try the other side of the coin. (Dom instead of sub.) If that still doesn't fit you, you can move on knowing you tried and it wasn't right. Sexual desires don't always have to have a base in reality, and you'll know yours are just sexual fantasies to trot out once a year with the 'nilla wife when you get wasted on your anniversary.

_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

(in reply to Araven)

Post #: 12

newbie at munches - 10/1/2006 8:49:49 AM

BeachMystress

Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline

oh yes.. as to how to approach going to a munch as a shy newbie:

I'd write to the contact e-mail for the group telling them that you're new and shy. Ask if someone might be willing to show you around and kinda "mentor" you for the duration of the munch, so you don't make any appalling social errors. *smiles* Most munch leaders are pretty friendly and happy to help.

_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

(in reply to BeachMystress)

Post #: 13

RE: newbie at munches - 10/1/2006 9:49:56 AM

ShyEyesM

Posts: 2
Joined: 9/15/2006
Status: offline

I agree with what everyone has said so far. Araven, you're being so open & honest, I certainly hope you meet only people who are trustworthy and for real, and not dismissive & phony. I've experienced a bit of both types of reception at munches. By and large, though, folks have been receptive and very hospitable, almost from the very 1st time. The best munches I've attended have been right before a novice excursion. You sit at a coffee shop and meet people for about two hours before proceeding from there to a BDSM play venue.

BeachMystress, you sound like you've been reading my mail :-) I'm 45 years old, and although I never completely repressed the submissive side of me, I never gave it a full range of expression either. I just want to add that it is, IMO, never too late to bring it out. I am like a kid in a candy store, learning and meeting and hoping and exploring.

(in reply to BeachMystress)

Post #: 14

RE: New and Slightly Nervous / Afraid - 10/1/2006 6:52:53 PM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

I have trained in a formal program I designed about two dozen people who wanted to see what service, submission and possibly consensual slavery was like.

Most of these people do change in that they learn more about themselves, learn what they are really interested in and capable/willing to do (usually not what they fantasize about), and very often get more involved in the various alternative sexuality communities in some fashion after they leave me.

A few have stayed on with me but for me it isn't all about me and my household but also about the possiblities that someone might be one of those few or one of those whom I can call a "brother" or "sister" in BDSM/leather.

Reads to me, Araven, that finding local venues and getting involved is a great first step and going slow is wise. Remember though that going slow is still going along, so even if you go to one munch and you feel awkward, keep going and push yourself to get involved at some small level. Each time you do that it will get easier.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to Araven)

Post #: 15

RE: New and Slightly Nervous / Afraid - 10/3/2006 8:29:31 AM

hypnoticblue

Posts: 130
Joined: 9/20/2006
Status: offline

It's been my expirience that every true Dom/Domme will be incredibly understanding of newbies because they understand they were there once. You will also figure out very quickly the true Ones vs. the ones looking for kinky sex. Good luck in your search!

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 16

RE: New and Slightly Nervous / Afraid - 10/3/2006 8:55:03 AM

PrimitiveLogic

Posts: 145
Joined: 4/25/2006
From: Md.
Status: offline

This is perhaps the most dangerous and most gratifying moment one can experience...meeting the person who may change your life irrevocably. Yes, while there are infinitely patient and understanding D's and M's; there are in all probability more who are not. Keep in mind that not everyone comes into the arena with postive motives. Complete domination/degradation/humiliation are not always expressed in polite and understanding lessons. The hope is to find a match with sense and sensibility close to your own...at least at first. Just be aware of predators and liars. They work us all like any scam artist...they play to your vanity and weakness. Just because someone says what you want to hear doesn't mean they will actually perform as stated.
Those who post here are judged and interpreted by their word's content and intent. This is but a tiny cross section of potential poeple to meet. We are a sample. We (hopefully) take the time to choose words well in order to convey our thoughts. For newbies, do not extrapolate that everyone will act , think, speak, treat you like we do those in our lives. It is about prudence and risk...it is about desire and completion. It is about opening a door you can never return back through. As so many so often speak toward; understand what your journey hopes to accomplish. Don't place your naive life in the hands of someone who doesn't have your interest at heart...meaning match yourself with a like minded guide. As I say, " There is never a rush to ecstasy."
I appreciate being in this group of "like minded" co-journeyers where open dialog can potentially unlock some aspect of a life problem that we all experience...whether it is in this realm or others. This (we) is input and suggestion; use it to your advantage.

(in reply to hypnoticblue)

Post #: 17

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