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MadRabbit -> General Advice respectfully asked for (10/4/2006 8:20:31 PM)

I have been debating what to ask for help with on this forum, but to be honest I dont know. This has been a confusing thing for me, a puzzle with many peices that I am slowly trying to put together and many of those peices are lost inside of me.

So I am asking just for some advice from experienced Doms and Masters for someone very new to this.

I am not ignorant. I have studied quite a lot, but words in a book only go so far.

Am I dominant? Yes, I beleive whole hardly that I am. The concepts and ideals are things that go to the very core to me, that feal right, things that I fantatisize about and desire, a person that is in me and that I wish to be.

Am I a Dom? No, I am not. I dont have this aura or prescense Doms talk about. People dont treat me like a Dom. In fact, I get a bit on the irritated side when people refer to me as Sir as I dont think I am deserving of that. I am young and have much to improve in my own self regarding control, discipline and awareness in my own life, vanilla and D/S. I have a lot of doubts though. I doubt my dominance a lot because I am generally a nice guy, compassionate, caring and to be honest, a bit of a soft heart. This is how I see myself and it doesnt match up with what I see in my portryal of a Dom. But I hate being ordered around, I dont take shit, and most of all I stand my ground. I am changing though as I learn more and more and try to perfect myself and grow. I like the person I am coming, but I doubt a lot if I ever will be the person I want to be.

I am confused on a lot of things as well. So many paradoxs in the philosophy of this. How one can be compassionate but not vulnerable. How one can be guarded and not vulnerable, but still intimate and loving.

I am part of the community here in my city, but I am afraid it is very very small. I have yet to meet a real lifestyle Dom. Hopefully, when resources and time become available, I can become active in the the much larger and active communities in the other parts of the state that have what I need. But until then, I have no one in RT to guide me.

So...this is me. Hopefully some will find relation to what I have said. Whatever advice you feal is appropriate, I am more than happy to listen to especially since I am not sure what advice to ask for.



Sinergy -> RE: General Advice respectfully asked for (10/4/2006 8:39:03 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit

I am confused on a lot of things as well. So many paradoxs in the philosophy of this. How one can be compassionate but not vulnerable. How one can be guarded and not vulnerable, but still intimate and loving.



Hello MadRabbit,

Interesting post.  I personally think you are taking the proper approach to this by expressing the things which puzzle you about what being a Dominant is, and imagine that this sort of openness will serve you in good stead learning to be the person you aspire to be.

I did have a disagreement with your comments about vulnerability.  This is only my own opinion, and I dont want to imply that I speak for everybody.  Part of what I consider the Dominant aspects of my personality actually exist in feelings of vulnerability.  I am going to take this person under my wing, and now, instead of just caring for my own needs and desires and safety and the like, I have accepted the fact that this other person gazing up at me with adoring eyes expects, wants, needs, demands that I care for her as well.

I know deep in my core that I am now responsible not just for myself, but for another.  For me there is a fear and vulnerability and feelings of self-doubt which I face and cope with every day as I protect the one that is mine.  Yet I must go through my day and make sure that the one I care for does not see this, or as the relationship blossoms, I can share my concerns with her knowing that I will be cared for in the way she knows I need to be cared for.

Considering bringing a puppy or kitten home.  It does not know how to eat or care for itself.  It scratches and whines and chews your shoes.  But with the proper care and guidance it can learn how to live up to the promise of self-actualization.

As she / he / it grows and lives up to what it needs to be, the satisfaction which I feel in being a part of that unfolding almost seems limitless to me.

Just me, could be wrong, but there you go.

Sinergy



MadRabbit -> RE: General Advice respectfully asked for (10/4/2006 8:45:10 PM)

Well thank you for disagreeing with me. That was really insightful. I stated those things because they are most certianly misconceptions I have.



mstrjx -> RE: General Advice respectfully asked for (10/4/2006 8:50:29 PM)

I can relate, so let's take Sinergy's story a little further.

You have met someone who wants that dominance in you.

And she wants you to cause her pain.  Not in a psychological sense.  No, she trusts that your feelings for her will not allow that to happen.

But in a physical sense, she wants that from you.  Needs that from you.

And it's just you, and your knowledge and what little you know and understand, and her.

She wants to suffer for you.  And it's up to you to make that happen.

You 'can' do it.  It might be against your nature, but you can do it for her.

And it's all downhill from there.

Jeff



Owned1 -> RE: General Advice respectfully asked for (10/4/2006 9:14:30 PM)

You have a couple of great responses I wanted to add one thought to ponder.

To be a Dominant does not mean you must be into S&M.  There are many Dominants who are more into the D/s where they do not incorporate any S&M at all.  They know their sub/slaves, they use them how they wish, they know the buttons to push, they control.

Perhaps this is who you are at the core rather than the implement wielding Dom one thinks of.

Owned



Emperor1956 -> RE: General Advice respectfully asked for (10/4/2006 9:24:51 PM)

MadRabbit: Good luck.  If you keep "questing" as you are doing, you'll find a path.  I can't really improve on Sinergy or Jeff's comments.  I will add that that "Domly" aura you think you lack exists for most who claim it only in their minds.  The real people of power you will meet rarely have to claim it themselves or act like they have it -- they simply are what they are, and others recognize it.

E.



wild1cfl -> RE: General Advice respectfully asked for (10/4/2006 9:30:44 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit
Am I a Dom? No, I am not. I dont have this aura or prescense Doms talk about. People dont treat me like a Dom. In fact, I get a bit on the irritated side when people refer to me as Sir as I dont think I am deserving of that. I am young and have much to improve in my own self regarding control, discipline and awareness in my own life, vanilla and D/S. I have a lot of doubts though. I doubt my dominance a lot because I am generally a nice guy, compassionate, caring and to be honest, a bit of a soft heart. This is how I see myself and it doesnt match up with what I see in my portryal of a Dom. But I hate being ordered around, I dont take shit, and most of all I stand my ground. I am changing though as I learn more and more and try to perfect myself and grow. I like the person I am coming, but I doubt a lot if I ever will be the person I want to be.
I am confused on a lot of things as well. So many paradoxs in the philosophy of this. How one can be compassionate but not vulnerable. How one can be guarded and not vulnerable, but still intimate and loving.


Just to let you know, there is nothing wrong with being a nice guy who is caring and compassionate. While at your youg age I would expect you to not fully understand your Dominance, I do think that you are Dominant. For the most part it is what is inside of you that tells you whether you are one or not. You yourself know what you need,  it is a Mentor. Hopefully you can find someone who feels the same as you do and is willing to help you along, not just with the physical play of BDSM but hopefully with the philosophy of a Dominant and submissive relationship or a Master/slave relationship. I think you need to give yourself time to learn and be patient, trust me you are a rare breed that realized that you do not just put the word "Master" on your ID or screen name and you are one. Best of luck to you in the future.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: General Advice respectfully asked for (10/4/2006 9:58:32 PM)

Being a dom simply means that you wish to be the one in authority in your intimate personal relationships.  HOW you do that completely depends upon yourself- don't buy into stereotypes.

Whatever you choose to or not label yourself as, how you conduct yourself will be vastly more important in the long run.

These threads however might help you feel a bit better about your conflict about being a "nice guy" and a "dom."  It's a very common issue for doms.

http://www.collarchat.com/m_505491/mpage_1/key_gentleman/tm.htm#505668
Seeking consensus: dominant as gentleman?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_433779/mpage_1/key_gentleman/tm.htm#433966
Master...in slaves' eyes!

http://www.collarchat.com/m_380311/mpage_2/key_gentleman%252Cdom/tm.htm#384513
dom vs gentleman

http://www.collarchat.com/m_266268/mpage_1/key_gentleman%252Cdom/tm.htm#266288
the gentleman dom with feelings

Is the term gentleman dom an oxymoron?

Gentlemen vs nice guy



juliaoceania -> RE: General Advice respectfully asked for (10/4/2006 10:13:07 PM)

Just a little more reassurance... I am not attracted to men I do not think are nice guys. A lot of submissves like nice men. Dominant does not mean that you do not like sappy love songs, sad movies, puppies, or babies.... my Daddy likes a few of these things (not all but some...smiles).

It's ok to be yourself ... personally I think some DomLordMasteroftheUniverseGrandPoobas are a little cliche. It might be nice for play to have someone that seems like the stereotypical "dom",but sooner or later we subs have to get you home, unwrap you, and live with you... and personally I would not want to live with a stereotype... I prefer a real live questioning person that has a few contradictions...

You sound fairly evolved for your age... you already know you don't know it all... that makes you leagues ahead of many twice your age... smiles



BitaTruble -> RE: General Advice respectfully asked for (10/4/2006 10:58:44 PM)

Ah, MadRabbit...

An old soul in a fairly new body. That, in and of itself, can pretty much suck - add BDSM into the mix and it's no wonder you are feeling a bit lost.

What a start you have though. So much is ahead of you. Reading your journal was joyous. Not because there was not some darkness there or bleak outlooks, but it's the thoughts in your head, your character which shines through which gives me great hope for the future of this life I love so well. If it were filled with people like you I would never worry about it's good health and longevity.

I don't really have an advice for you because everyone must find their own path in life and I doubt anything I have to say is going to help you along it, but I did want you to know, from one old soul to another, time has a way passing much more quickly than we realize, so enjoy the youth granted to you, continue on your journey, continue to quest and I have no doubt that in the future, there is going to be some very lucky lady who will want nothing more to look up at you with those eyes filled with adoration and you will 'know' you deserve it and can handle everything that goes along with it.

I wish you well,

Celeste




midnyt -> RE: General Advice respectfully asked for (10/5/2006 4:55:09 AM)

Hello MadRabbit,
I am not a master or dom and i am not here to give you advise on being one. I wanted to give you a bit of reassurance.   From my own personal beliefs, some of the best doms are compassionate, loving, caring, honest, and soft hearted. They also know how to tow the line and be dominant.   You need to find a balance for yourself. Be yourself, do what feels right to you in your heart. You dont need to be hard and uncaring and unloving to be a dom..in fact, that would drive most subs away.  
I read your profile and i will tell you, i did feel an energy. I liked what i felt when i read it. I cant say that about alot of the profiles i read here.  You have something special, hold onto that dont fall into a lable or what you think people perceive masters and doms to be. That would be a mistake for you. You are a rare breed. Dont change who you are just improve what you strive to be for yourself.
MBear is all that you described which is why I love him so much. Dont mistake the love and compassion he has for weakness, in a blink of an eye he wont think twice about whipping my ass with the "punisher"...oo just saying that name hurts my ass. I dont have to be punished often but when I f**k up, i get whats coming to me.
You just have to find what is going to work for you.
Find that balance and go with it.
Good luck in your quest.
~midnyt~
owned by MBear



WildnWicked -> RE: General Advice respectfully asked for (10/5/2006 5:51:24 AM)

quote:

Am I dominant? Yes, I beleive whole hardly that I am.

quote:

  Am I a Dom? No, I am not.


I respect those two statement greatly. I have been in the community for just a bit and have evolved from being a submissive to a Top. I don't say Dominant because I believe that there is value in words and labels. I have alot more growing to do before I am willing to apply that label to myself.

It took me a while before I would take on the label of "LeatherWoman" because I had to be sure I could carry that title with the grace and ethics it requires. I have been given the title of "Sir" and it was very hard to accept that. Mainly due to the responsibilities that came along with that title. It scared the crap out of me to be honest. I am a Daddy to my bois/boys and I have to thank them and my role models for helping me grow in this area.

I sit well with the term "Top" because it implies which end of the whip I hold. I am more comfortable now when I am called "Sir" because I am confident in my morals/values/ethics that I have demonstrated in the community in order to receive that title.

I look longingly at the Master's Caps and yet they fill me with self-doubt. There are expectations of a Master in the community as a whole (at least where I am from). The cap may be made of a small piece of leather... but it is one of THE heaviest pieces of leather one could wear. It is going to be a LONG time before I am able to earn that title. The hesitation I feel is something I have heard Master's relate to and some went as far as declining the title and receiving their cap for a while. I have my cap and I laughingly call it my "training cap". lol

I take my lessons one step at a time and know that it is the journey and not the destination that's important.

Thank you for your honesty and being humble is a very attractive quality in a Dominant.



CrappyDom -> RE: General Advice respectfully asked for (10/5/2006 8:18:02 AM)

Don't get hung up on labels or images, let the rest of the idiots in the scene do that.

Be you and do so to the best of your ability.

Be open and explore, don't let others images control you.

You seem interesting and intelligent which means you will have an easy time of finding casual partners but a harder time finding someone you genuinely connect with.   However, when you do it will be fabulous so don't rush.

Read The Ethical Slut, it will do you a lot of good.

I struggled with many of the same issues you seem to be struggling with.  Do some searches for "Daddy Dom" and do some reading, you might find some things that resonate for you, or you may not.

trust me on this, the good ones out there aren't looking for the stereotypical "dom" they are looking for a genuine person with a full and vibrant personality, not a cardboard cutout.



wild1cfl -> RE: General Advice respectfully asked for (10/5/2006 8:23:24 AM)

Well said CD,  I agree with you, especially about reading books like the Ethical Slut or John's book the Loving Dominant. Labels are for the ones who don't know what is on the inside of the jar.



MasterFireMaam -> RE: General Advice respectfully asked for (10/5/2006 8:58:59 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit
I doubt my dominance a lot because I am generally a nice guy, compassionate, caring and to be honest, a bit of a soft heart. This is how I see myself and it doesnt match up with what I see in my portryal of a Dom.


Being nice, compassionate, caring and honest with a soft heart are excellent qualities for a Dominant to have. Suppose you had a prized pet (as in a four-legged one). You'd have all these feelings towards that pet, but still wouldn't be any less and owner. Providing a happy, nurturing atmosphere for your sub goes a long way to having a happy sub, which, in turn, goes a long way to having a happy relationship. This document is pretty profound to me. Perhaps
it will be to you. Qualities of a Realized Master

quote:


I am part of the community here in my city, but I am afraid it is very very small. I have yet to meet a real lifestyle Dom. Hopefully, when resources and time become available, I can become active in the the much larger and active communities in the other parts of the state that have what I need. But until then, I have no one in RT to guide me.

If you're willing to drive, I believe that Columbia has a bit more in it than Charleston. Email me on the other side. I have a calendar of events that includes NC, SC, TN, VA, GA, KY & AL and surrounding areas put together by someone in our local community. If you're willing to drive, there are good groups around. Also, look at national events. Black Rose in DC is coming up in December. It's a good "how to" event that can teach you lots about technique. One must be proficient with one's tools. In my opinion, the best relationship-focused event coming up is Southwest Leather Conference in Phoenix in Jan. Usually, there is a relationship-focused event in Charlotte, NC in Oct, but it was cancelled this year due to various circumstances.

quote:


So...this is me. Hopefully some will find relation to what I have said. Whatever advice you feal is appropriate, I am more than happy to listen to especially since I am not sure what advice to ask for.

Basically, you're just as lost as we were when we started out. That you realize and admit this puts you lightyears above most. Keep at it and welcome.

Master Fire



happypervert -> RE: General Advice respectfully asked for (10/5/2006 9:12:07 AM)

There are a number of caffeine-fueled random jottings here; hope some help.

quote:

I have yet to meet a real lifestyle Dom.

Don't be so sure about that. You may not have met someone who fits your stereotype of one, but that doesn't mean you haven't met any. That only means your stereotype may be a fantasy and you may never meet anyone like it.

LuckyAlbatross mentioned authority; and you might consider examples of other authority figures such as judges or kings who can be nice guys even though they have to make hard decisions. Some may enjoy being bastards on occasion; others will act the same out of a sense of duty.

So there are a variety of styles that will work just as there are a variety of submissive styles and matches are made by compatibility.

The predominant theme I saw in your post had to do with being a nice, compassionate guy. Just my opinion, but I think submissives need to know you can be a nasty bastard occasionally; otherwise they may end walking all over you after testing boundaries and finding a compassionate response instead of a firm hand shoving them back where they belong.

To get a sense of being not so nice, I'd suggest reading Machiavelli's The Prince, or at least some quotes you can google. One of my favorites goes something like this:

"The most powerful ruler is the one who uses power the least."

I think that is compatible with the style of a nice, compassionate guy.




Iskander -> RE: General Advice respectfully asked for (10/5/2006 9:16:52 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit

Well thank you for disagreeing with me. That was really insightful. I stated those things because they are most certianly misconceptions I have.


It is not a misconception, simply a stepping stone on the path we walk...
To not look at things from all angles is the only 'misconception' I can think of...

Iskander...




heartfeltsub -> RE: General Advice respectfully asked for (10/5/2006 9:32:58 AM)

As MasterFireMaam stated there is a well formed BDSM group in columbia called T3WD with many great people in it. In fact EvilGeoff who posts here quite often is the founder of that group and still sort of oversees it. i think either this weekend of last they are holding an annual leather flea market, so it might be a good time to check it out. You can find the group by doing a google search of T3WD and columbia.

heartfelt



MadRabbit -> RE: General Advice respectfully asked for (10/5/2006 2:00:51 PM)

Wow

I dont really know what to say to all this, except thank you. This has been really quite inspiring.

I am a yahoo member of TW3D and I know Geoff threw email (He is a great guy). Unfortanely due to fiancial and other burdens in my life right now, I cant even begin to think of going up there until January. But I have managed to work out some time to go there this Saturday for their Vendor's Faire (flea market). Looking forward to meeting Geoff and all the other people who have helped me out quite a lot.

And thank you happy pervert for reminding me that I havent really gotten to know too many people yet in the Charleston group and shouldnt be so quick to judge. But they are a very small and not too active group and dont offer quite the educational value that the Columbia group does.

I have seen the books the Ethical Slut and the Loving Dominant and they are on my reading list. I defiently look forward to reading them now.



LadyHugs -> RE: General Advice respectfully asked for (10/6/2006 7:19:14 AM)

Dear MadRabbit, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
First, majority of everybody in the lifestyle, that started off in the journey has struggled with the very thing you have.
 
You may have a dominant personality, to which you '...don't take s__t, don't take orders well, and so forth.  So, as a dominant to another one finding their way; why is it ok for one to order others that they aren't willing to do themselves; obeying orders and staying within the rules themselves.  That should be a mental question within yourself.  It is easy to make up rules as a dominant but, as a dominant who makes rules must keep them always.  So, it really is a double edge sword. 
 
Finding those lines between dominant and controlling; good steward and guardian verses warden, prison guard and the rest of the many hats dominants wear.  Mastering 'self' first is always the first step.
 
The ideals of Master-slave or Dominant-submissive relationships, vary from person to person.  Question to offer to yourself first, is where you want to be as a goal near future and distant future in the next 30 years.
 
May I suggest, that you consider attending a Master-slave conference in Washington, DC next year.  You'll meet a good many individual who live and breath this every day.  You can pick their minds and the like.
To me, its like a family reunion.  You'll see people starting, some mid-journey and some at the peak of their journey.  Workshops with many well known presenters will be there.  You'll find the majority, will be like you--putting one leg in each pant leg at a time.
 
Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs
 
 
 
 
 
 



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