Emotions: Vanilla vs D/s and how to keep it clean?

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All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> Emotions: Vanilla vs D/s and how to keep it clean?

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Emotions: Vanilla vs D/s and how to keep it clean? - 1/20/2005 10:44:47 AM

Paindancer

Posts: 7
Joined: 1/19/2005
Status: offline

Hello.

Recently getting back into the D/s environment. Formerly I have just worked casually at the clubs, never mixing sex and fetish. Recently, I have found and have been working with a great, ambitious sub/switch.

Most of our work is more play in the physical sence. I am learning about the psychological but for the most part I have a very soft/nurturing stance. My sub is new to the scene in general, and trust is a major issue for her. Subbing involves some real delicate issues for her. The work we have done has been very gratifiying for both sides, but she has started to become very emotionally involved in the short time (3 weeks) we have been working together.

Communication has been clear, but it has becoming increacingly difficult for her. She knows she is confusing vanilla emotions with the D/s one. Obviously I care a great deal about her emotional well being, but recently out of a 4 year vanilla relationship myself, I dont think I can be emotionaly available to her. I would love to keep the D/s relationship going and this is new territory for both of us. I think it is premature to consider collaring at this stage.

What would you all think is the best approach considering the nutshell scenario given?

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RE: Emotions: Vanilla vs D/s and how to keep it clean? - 1/20/2005 10:58:25 AM

panthergoddess

Posts: 93
Joined: 1/11/2005
From: Bessemer City, NC USA
Status: offline

Paindancer,

I will concur that it is far too soon to collar her. I can appreciate that you are Masterful enough to look out for her emotional well being as well as have the communication level as it should be.

Personally I would sit her down and reiterate your stance, past indicators, present situation as it stands and some possible futures for you both. Accept her input as I'm sure you do but do not lead her on, as I'm sure you are not doing. I would also (based on how the conversation goes) considder stepping back a bit and not playing with her for a little while until she herself is emotionally strong enough to handle her own needs much less your own. You are a Master....and in being so..you have to know that although she wants this attatchment that it may not be the best for either of you AT THIS TIME. Seems like you need to heal your own emotions as well prior to taking on the responsibility of soothing hers.

(in reply to Paindancer)

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RE: Emotions: Vanilla vs D/s and how to keep it clean? - 1/20/2005 11:05:45 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

Recently getting back into the D/s environment. Formerly I have just worked casually at the clubs, never mixing sex and fetish. Recently, I have found and have been working with a great, ambitious sub/switch.

Paindancer,
"Best Approach" - It's an easy answer - continue with your honesty.

If you read other threads, you'll see that honesty is not a desired trait when the truth hurts. It's difficult, but making sure your friend hears the truth and keeping her as your friend can be accomplished. She has to be stable enough to accept that, for now, the physical is all she can expect from you. If she can live with that or not is her decision.

The "for now" becomes a double edge sword. You don't want to dangle it like a carrot in front of a mule never to be obtained. Your decision to include "for now" should be an honest evaluation that the potential exists. Don't say it just to make her feel better, or give her a false sense of hope to keep the physical going. That wouldn't be fair, and it would be hurtful and manipulative.

I'm sure you know you have a risk of losing your work/play partner, but I sense you have honor that will not allow you to let this situation fester.

BTW - Great profile. Long Beach, is not too far from us in Redondo. Which clubs have you performed?

(in reply to Paindancer)

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RE: Emotions: Vanilla vs D/s and how to keep it clean? - 1/20/2005 11:23:20 AM

Paindancer

Posts: 7
Joined: 1/19/2005
Status: offline

Nod,

More or less that is the approach we are taking. I am taking the conservative approach as not to dangle a potential that I am not sure I can offer at this point.

As far as where I used to play, and where I am playing now. More or less Courney's clubs. Dungeon (Blue.. havent checked out the Probe version yet). Obviously the Fetish Balls, and I have to say I really like Fetish Bar. I recently connected with the Theshold crowd, and think they are great at the level they cater too, but probably prefer a slightly younger and less bitter group. Mostly, just getting reaquainted and learning about what is around. Any venue suggestions would be more than welcome.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

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