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ChainedExistence -> RE: Needles and erotica (10/10/2006 2:52:36 PM)
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I'm not sure I've made the complete jump to quite that statement, but I am drifting that way in baby steps. Here's the phobia part....When I was a child, I had some problems with my kidneys and was hospitalized at age 4 and 6. It was a scary place for me with high bars around the bed, people who poked and prodded, bright lights and noises through the night, and pain without the comfort of my Mommy or Daddy to hold on to. In my young mind, I centered those feelings of fright on the shots. It was the needles that caused my pain, that took me away from the ones I loved, that made me afraid. My mother said I became so hysterical evey time someone came near me with a shot, that it took 6 orderlies and nurses to hold me down. To this day, I cry whenever there's any reason for me to get a shot, take my blood, or use a needle.
Now for needles in another context:
Master had mentioned using needles on me a time or two, and I know it's something he is very skilled at doing. I told him my story, and for a time, there's wasn't much mention of them again. Then one day, he told me he brought some home, and that we were going to see how it went. I think I asked questions, but the entire time we discussed the how manys, and the wheres and the size of the needles, my mind was searching for some way to delay, or even stop it from happening. We talked about bondage...mainly so I wouldn't jerk or pull away (ok, I had these horrific images of needles tearing through my flesh) and in some ways I thought that might be easier, so I couldn't run from the room, but in the end, he decided I would just have to lay on my back, and watch while put the needle through my breast. I'm not sure what I expected...ok, maybe that's not true...I think I expected something out of horror films...huge stakes being driven through my chest and a pain which would push me beyond anything I've ever known. I'm pretty sure I screamed no, just as it pierced my skin...probably with an obscenity attached...I'm not really sure...all I knew in that last second was the deepest terror I've ever felt...and then the most amazing realization that "No, I wasn't dead, and there's now a needle through my breast." It was a sort of weird feeling....Like watching someone else, yet feeling something at the same time. There it was, piercing through my left breast...and I'm thinking.."how very odd". It hurt on the initial push, but now it felt sort of different...a hot kind of pain...more like a burning sensation than the piercing pain I was anticipating, I was still crying when he put the second needle through my right breast...I didn't want to look, didn't want to move...I think I was holding my breath. What I didn't say already was through this, he was also touching me, teasing me along, and so my brain was getting all these different sensations at the same time. I'm not sure even now what I think of it...Erotic, pain, mind trip? I could say yes and no to each of these- it was a sort of a physical and emotional rollercoaster...with teetering on the edge of the big drop with mind numbing terror, the screaming descent, and the rise again only be to faced by a new terror like the the unexpected loop when the blood began to flow...All I can say was I was never so glad to have done it, and never so glad to have it over.
Then there's always the next time......................
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