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Sometimes Depression Can Be Funny. - 10/9/2006 3:31:33 PM

TreSwank

Posts: 1165
Joined: 3/5/2005
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    Under the confluence of pressures coming from a ruined career, an unfulfilling personal life, and an all around sense of hopelessness, I began to drink HEAVILY about a year and some months ago. Whatever folks might say about the deleterious effects of alcohol is total bunk to the post's OP, because my frequent, nightly engagements with Mr. Jack Daniels and his equally venerable next-door neighbor, Jim Beam, kept me SANE for six months. When my life had reached rock bottom, the sauce helped me see things in a lighthearted, boozy Pollyanna-ish perspective.

One of my most frequent, self-aggrandizing bar-room fantasies, that stands out on the surface of my mind was what I like to car the "New London Hero's Write-up."

Now, I've slacked the first twenty two years of my existence away in perfect Gen-X form (Yeah......I know that I'm technically a "millenial"), but, like all prospective upright citizens, I've dreamt of better things.  One day, the idea occurred to me that I do penance for my wayward life in one, redeeming moment of salvation. "What if.........", I said to myself, " What if I happened to be traipsing along the sidewalk in downtown New London (in my typical slacker fashion) one of these fine days, and saw a precious little black girl's rubber ball roll into the middle of the street? Now, upon seeing the girl going to retrieve her toy, what if I threw myself into the road, and pushed her out of the way of an oncoming eighteen wheel truck, only to have myself killed in a successful attempt to save little LaTisha's life?

" That's fucking PERFECT" I said out loud, to a desolate bar-room. I would go from "misguided 20-something" to "local hero"...........all in a split second of guts and glory. I could see the headline in my noggin, just as if it were printed in neon lights.

         "BRAVE LOCAL SAVES ORPHAN FROM CERTAIN DEATH"

Jesus Christ, I hoped to God that, as a flourishing touch, they'd add in the front page story that it was a parentless little "black" orphan, just to embellish the heroic pathos of my fantasy.........my selflessness...........my lack of fear. No longer would I be a nobody in a cold, alienating, universe. I would be a HERO.

Then I thought of the statue that New London would erect in my honor; a muscular young man, with a vague resemblance to myself, throwing myself in front of a truck. That's the kind of funny desperation that failure can bring.

< Message edited by TreSwank -- 10/9/2006 3:43:52 PM >

Post #: 1

RE: Sometimes Depression Can Be Funny. - 10/9/2006 4:23:11 PM

LadyEllen

Posts: 10931
Joined: 6/30/2006
From: Stourport-England
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Tre - I'm never sure whether you're being serious or what, but I'll err on the side of thinking you're being serious this time, because its so damned important. Its gonna be preachy, but please take it seriously? If you were here now, and Adrian was here, he'd kick seven shades out of you to make you listen, so listen, please!

I more or less share a life with a wonderful guy called Adrian. He's intelligent, educated, well spoken, honest, caring, good looking and the most talented artist I've ever known. He's exactly a year older than me - 40 in December.

Adrian could have, should have, built himself a great life. In his younger days, he was one of those who literally had to fight women off, and could have, should have married some wonderful girl and had the children he never did, and whose absence from his life makes him so envious of me and mine, and cry when the subject is brought up.

Instead, Adrian started drinking at about age 17, and here he is now 22 years later, still drinking and stuck with me as his girl friend. Every one of those wonderful girls who chased him, he lost because of drinking. Every job opportunity he had, he lost because of drinking. His only child he lost because of drinking - his girlfriend had an abortion rather than have a child with a drunk. The brilliant art career he could have had, he lost because of drinking.

He has spent over two decades, getting into trouble with the scum of the earth in drinking dens, with the police for all sorts of drunken behaviour. He ended up in a mental hospital with psychosis, from drinking. He has lived on the streets, in bail hostels and the like. He has been in more fist fights than anyone I know. He has done some very depraved things to get the booze on which he became reliant. His life has been in danger for years, first because he was drunk and easy prey for scumbags, and now because he still drinks and his liver is almost gone. He's nearly 40 now, and if he makes it to 45, it will be a miracle.

This wonderful human being is a wreck, Tre - and its all from drinking. And the worst thing I found about your OP, was that it is just the same sort of imagined means of redemption that comes out of Adrian from time to time now. You sounded just like him. I truly, truly hope you dont end up like Adrian - but thats purely in your hands.

There are no answers in a bottle of booze. The only redemption is to stop drinking the way you say you are. Drinking is not a solution to any problem Tre, its just a distraction from the problem like any drug. When the drug is stopped, the problem is still there - but on top you have the drinking problem too. So you drink more to evade both problems - its the most evil drug in society, without a doubt, because its so easy to obtain and consume. And just to try to convince you of its inadequacy as a cure all for your problems - I wrote about Adrian, who now has so many problems as a result of trying to evade one problem when he was 17, that his life is a train wreck of shit.

Please, please, please. Stop drinking, get some help (delirium tremens is not funny and can be fatal), and get clean, before its too late, and youre a 40 year old wreck like Adrian. Please?

E

_____________________________

In a test against the leading brand, 9 out of 10 participants couldnt tell the difference. Dumbasses.

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Post #: 2

RE: Sometimes Depression Can Be Funny. - 10/9/2006 4:28:33 PM

Aileen68

Posts: 6091
Joined: 8/2/2005
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They'd probably only give you a billboard.

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Post #: 3

RE: Sometimes Depression Can Be Funny. - 10/9/2006 4:30:28 PM

michaelGA2

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Joined: 4/26/2006
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since i have been suffering from depression all my life, i fail to see the humor in being depressed.

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Post #: 4

RE: Sometimes Depression Can Be Funny. - 10/9/2006 4:31:44 PM

Aileen68

Posts: 6091
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It was not aimed at you. Don't take it personally.

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Post #: 5

RE: Sometimes Depression Can Be Funny. - 10/9/2006 4:34:31 PM

michaelGA2

Posts: 1533
Joined: 4/26/2006
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alright

i've always wondered, if i vanished tonight, would anyone truly remember me tomorrow?

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Post #: 6

RE: Sometimes Depression Can Be Funny. - 10/9/2006 4:37:31 PM

LadyEllen

Posts: 10931
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From: Stourport-England
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quote:

ORIGINAL: michaelGA2

alright

i've always wondered, if i vanished tonight, would anyone truly remember me tomorrow?

Michael - you know something? I honestly do think about you, quite a lot more than you would probably like. Not in a sexual way particularly (though that pic is quite inspiring....), more in a "I wonder if Michael is feeling better today" sort of way. I think you'd be surprised how many others share this interest.

E

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Post #: 7

RE: Sometimes Depression Can Be Funny. - 10/9/2006 4:39:46 PM

michaelGA2

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i would be shocked actually...i just don't seem to inspire much of anything these days.

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Post #: 8

RE: Sometimes Depression Can Be Funny. - 10/9/2006 4:46:15 PM

LadyEllen

Posts: 10931
Joined: 6/30/2006
From: Stourport-England
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: michaelGA2

i would be shocked actually...i just don't seem to inspire much of anything these days.

Just look at who showed up for your poem Michael.

I'm pretty much depressed too - such an insignificant chance of ever finding love that I hang around on here when Adrian isnt here to distract me. I could get sex within an hour - about the time it takes to get to the house of a really seriously odd person who will do anything, to anything. But I want love.

We depressed people should form a coalition - maybe the motto could be "onwards and downwards"!?

E

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In a test against the leading brand, 9 out of 10 participants couldnt tell the difference. Dumbasses.

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Post #: 9

RE: Sometimes Depression Can Be Funny. - 10/9/2006 4:49:04 PM

michaelGA2

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of course, it seems that those who do express some form of interest...few and far between, they may be...tend to be so far out of reach that online is as close as it gets

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Post #: 10

RE: Sometimes Depression Can Be Funny. - 10/9/2006 4:54:40 PM

LadyEllen

Posts: 10931
Joined: 6/30/2006
From: Stourport-England
Status: offline

Yes. Still it cheers me up a little, that occasionally, just every now and then, there is the faintest indication that amid all the wasters, jerks and nutters in the world, CM proves that there are some genuinely nice people out there. Few and far between, but they exist, and in the absence of a warm body, a warm email or post is something of a comfort.

E

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In a test against the leading brand, 9 out of 10 participants couldnt tell the difference. Dumbasses.

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Post #: 11

RE: Sometimes Depression Can Be Funny. - 10/9/2006 5:03:01 PM

michaelGA2

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i often wonder just how many people here on CM have actually had a real life experience...other than what they say they have...it's hard to prove one way or the other

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Post #: 12

RE: Sometimes Depression Can Be Funny. - 10/9/2006 5:24:47 PM

LadyEllen

Posts: 10931
Joined: 6/30/2006
From: Stourport-England
Status: offline

Hi Michael

I'll be honest - I've had one "proper" overt relationship, not counting Adrian's antics since he found out what I'd like to get up to - though I guess whipping him, him kissing my boots/feet, begging etc must count, even if was done in a less than "normal" way - if there's any such thing - so that would make two guys, one a few times as I didnt feel anything for him, and one regularly (Adrian) whom I do love, but who loves booze more than me. With the "overt" relationship I felt nothing for the guy and so it was awkward and not enjoyable. With Adrian though its a whole different thing - very natural and spontaneous and "right", if that makes sense?

I guess though, there are a lot of people on here who claim a lot more experience than they've had, especially the newbies who somehow feel they have to come with credentials to be taken seriously? It reminds me of the schoolyard to be honest - a bunch of 15 year olds all claiming to have had sex ten times last week, when not one of them would have a clue what to do if they were suddenly presented with the actual opportunity!

Anyway, I have to get to bed people. Its half one in the morning here and I really ought to get out of bed tomorrow morning!

see ya Michael. Dont get too down OK?

E

_____________________________

In a test against the leading brand, 9 out of 10 participants couldnt tell the difference. Dumbasses.

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Post #: 13

RE: Sometimes Depression Can Be Funny. - 10/9/2006 5:28:09 PM

michaelGA2

Posts: 1533
Joined: 4/26/2006
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i've been completely honest with the fact that my experience has been, thus far, online only...with little possibility or opportunity for real life.

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Post #: 14

RE: Sometimes Depression Can Be Funny. - 10/9/2006 5:50:48 PM

TreSwank

Posts: 1165
Joined: 3/5/2005
Status: offline

No..........the post isn't a reflection of how I am now. It's just a trip down memory lane.

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Post #: 15

RE: Sometimes Depression Can Be Funny. - 10/9/2006 6:48:46 PM

michaelGA2

Posts: 1533
Joined: 4/26/2006
Status: offline

this is just another bad night for me...please excuse my posts.

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Post #: 16

RE: Sometimes Depression Can Be Funny. - 10/9/2006 6:57:18 PM

LTRsubNW

Posts: 1604
Joined: 5/6/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TreSwank

   Under the confluence of pressures coming from a ruined career, an unfulfilling personal life, and an all around sense of hopelessness, I began to drink HEAVILY about a year and some months ago. Whatever folks might say about the deleterious effects of alcohol is total bunk to the post's OP, because my frequent, nightly engagements with Mr. Jack Daniels and his equally venerable next-door neighbor, Jim Beam, kept me SANE for six months. When my life had reached rock bottom, the sauce helped me see things in a lighthearted, boozy Pollyanna-ish perspective.

One of my most frequent, self-aggrandizing bar-room fantasies, that stands out on the surface of my mind was what I like to car the "New London Hero's Write-up."

Now, I've slacked the first twenty two years of my existence away in perfect Gen-X form (Yeah......I know that I'm technically a "millenial"), but, like all prospective upright citizens, I've dreamt of better things.  One day, the idea occurred to me that I do penance for my wayward life in one, redeeming moment of salvation. "What if.........", I said to myself, " What if I happened to be traipsing along the sidewalk in downtown New London (in my typical slacker fashion) one of these fine days, and saw a precious little black girl's rubber ball roll into the middle of the street? Now, upon seeing the girl going to retrieve her toy, what if I threw myself into the road, and pushed her out of the way of an oncoming eighteen wheel truck, only to have myself killed in a successful attempt to save little LaTisha's life?

" That's fucking PERFECT" I said out loud, to a desolate bar-room. I would go from "misguided 20-something" to "local hero"...........all in a split second of guts and glory. I could see the headline in my noggin, just as if it were printed in neon lights.

        "BRAVE LOCAL SAVES ORPHAN FROM CERTAIN DEATH"

Jesus Christ, I hoped to God that, as a flourishing touch, they'd add in the front page story that it was a parentless little "black" orphan, just to embellish the heroic pathos of my fantasy.........my selflessness...........my lack of fear. No longer would I be a nobody in a cold, alienating, universe. I would be a HERO.

Then I thought of the statue that New London would erect in my honor; a muscular young man, with a vague resemblance to myself, throwing myself in front of a truck. That's the kind of funny desperation that failure can bring.

#1 (And I doubt you truly see yourself as a failure...however...)..Chill...you're a young buck...I wish I even knew what something like CM was at your age...

#2) Chill...just because...it's all good...(ya know why? ... cause the alternative sucks...your alternative is very good).

#3) See #1.

(in reply to TreSwank)

Post #: 17

RE: Sometimes Depression Can Be Funny. - 10/9/2006 7:17:17 PM

CrazyC

Posts: 949
Joined: 9/28/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TreSwank

No..........the post isn't a reflection of how I am now. It's just a trip down memory lane.

Yea it is a classic thought many who are going through depression of some sorts have. I hear it all the time when dealing with callers on a crisis center. i too have gone through too many depressions, and have had that feeling. mine never left me the hero though, so at least you had a little hope in your thoughts. It is when the hope is no longer there that it gets scary.

Just know, that though you might feel like you waisted your life away, this experience alone was worth it. It gave you the chance to learn something about yourself, and compation for those who might also be going through it. :)

(in reply to TreSwank)

Post #: 18

RE: Sometimes Depression Can Be Funny. - 10/9/2006 7:28:47 PM

Daddysredhead

Posts: 23574
Joined: 11/6/2005
From: Northern (yet still part of the South) Virginia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: michaelGA2

i've always wondered, if i vanished tonight, would anyone truly remember me tomorrow?

I would...
I hope you are well, one day at a time.

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Post #: 19

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