cdreams
Posts: 17
Joined: 1/10/2005
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Here is something that was sent to me by my Master carl. Please take time to read this both submissives/Doms or Master/slaves, as the case may be. It has great advice for all involved in new relationships.
SLAVE SAFETY
1. Until you agree to submit, you are in control of what you
do. Every Man and Woman you come across who says He or She is a
Dominant deserves appropriate respect. But simply because He or She
says they are a Dominant does not mean you owe them submission. Your
submission is a gift. You choose who to give it to. And until you
choose to give it to them, you remain in control and should exercise
that control -- but always with respect and deference.
2. Never meet a Dominant for a session of service or s/m play
before
first meeting to talk. Remember what they say about bars? That the
closer to
closing time it gets, the better everyone looks? Keep this in mind
also
when you're online. Everyone can look good online. Everyone can say
the
right things, type the proper words. Enjoy cyber -- but know it is
only cyber
until you meet.
If you have spent extensive time with the Dominant online or on the
phone and
feel okay with Him or Her , you might consider that to be the
meeting. But it still
remains best to meet first in person -- preferably in a neutral
place, like a
restaurant. Show them respect and deference, but until you choose to
submit, you
remain in control of yourself even if you are at their place. Until
you choose
to give them this control, their requests for you to undress, sit on
the floor, or
whatever, no matter the tone in their voice, are merely requests,
not orders, until
you accept them as such.
3. It is best not to plan or expect a session at this first
meeting. Let it be just a
meeting to find out if the two of you click and want to continue.
This is a good
test of the sincerity of the Dominant. Almost all will tell you they
want an ongoing thing. If this is true, and if they really want you,
then there is no hurry. You can
meet first . . . and plan to have the session the next day, if you
want.
4. Be totally and completely honest with potential Dominant
about
what you seek, what your experience level is, what you fear, what
you crave, and
what your limits are. Your ego and your desire to not disappoint a
potential
Dominant may make you want to exaggerate. But it does no one any
good if you tell a Dominant you can take a bullwhip when you have
never even been flogged hard. A good Dominant is not as concerned
with how intensely you can play as with whether you genuinely want
to play. Good Dominants are looking for reactions and potential for
growth. If They get a good reaction out of a slow, light flogging,
They are as satisfied as when They get a good reaction out of a full-
force bullwhipping. Well, maybe not as satisfied, but satisfied
enough!
And never say you can take anything. You may find your forehead
branded
before the night is out.
5. Be totally honest with yourself about what you seek. There
is
an undercurrent in the lifestyle community that a hierarchy exists
among
submissives. According to this "common wisdom," it is better to be
24/7
than part time. Don't fall into this trap.
What is best for you is whatever meets your specific desires and
needs.
To be a submissive who submits only in sessions because this is all
you need is as
valid and as good as being a sub who submits to the complete control
of a
Master on a 24/7 basis because that is what they need. Don't let
anyone, fellow
submissive or Master, try to make you into something you do not need
or
want to be.
6. Follow your gut feeling about the Master. Even if your head
cannot come up with specific reasons not to trust the Man, if your
gut is sending up
any sort of red flags, listen to it. If you find you are talking
yourself into
submission to a specific Dominant, then heor she is not the one for
you. At the same time, learn to recognize the difference between
fear of giving up control, which is good and exciting, and
uncertainty about a particular persons trustworthiness. Most of the
Dominants you meet will be trustworthy and not a problem. But a few
will not be.
7. When you meet with the Dominant, do as much interviewing as
they
do -- but do it respectfully, of course. What are you trying to find
out about
them? Several things. Do they respect you as a person? Do they
respect you as a
slave? Will they respect your limits? Do they understand your level
of experience,
and will they work with it? Do they have experience or skills in the
type of activity
you or they want to do, or are they just off on some fantasy trip?
Do you like this Dominant as a person?
And, not unimportant, do you find this Dominant attractive either
physically,
personally, or because they have something to teach you? (Not every
Master
has to be a physical fantasy trip. Some may not be but are still
well worth
submitting to because you will learn a lot and they can give you
exactly what
you need.)
8. One major thing to look for is whether the Dominant is
concerned
about your needs and desires, about what you want to get out of
this. If there is
little discussion about your needs -- if all the talk is about their
needs -- They are
probably not the Dominant you want for a long-term situation,
though they may
be great for a quick session focused totally and completely on their
or your desires. If you pick a Dominant like this to submit to,
realize that you will probably need
to take care of your own emotional and physical satisfaction.They
are not going
to give it to you.
9. Never go to a first meeting or session (or even a second or
third) thinking that this Master may be good for a long-term
relationship or for total
control outside of when you are together. You are very likely to
find yourself hurt and
disappointed if you do. Full or 24/7 control develops over a long
period of time
-- it is not created out of thin air.
10. When considering a Dominat for long-term or total control
outside of
sessions, look at the total Dominant . You are going to spend a lot
of time with this
person outside of sessions. Do you like them that much? Can you deal
with all
their idiosyncrasies, bad habits, insecurities, and personal
baggage on a
continuing basis? And if you think they don't have any of that
stuff, then you
have just not seen it. And if you have not seen it, then you do not
know them
well enough for such a commitment.
11. Limits. Have two sets: temporary ones, which you decide
when
to lift, and permanent ones, which always remain in place. You need
to decide what
belongs in each set. To help you understand the difference, there
are limits
you can use — and still do if the Dominant wants you to hunt for
outside experiences:
Permanent -- Safe sex. No scat. No blood. No drugs. Nothing illegal.
No
permanent damage physically, professionally, personally, or
emotionally.
Temporary -- Meet first. No total bondage; either legs or arms must
be
free at all times. (Yes, I want to be able to kick Him in the balls
if I need
to -- or fight back some other way.) No blindfolds. No gags.
Safeword. (We'll talk
about safewords below.)
You are the one who drops these temporary limits -- one at a time or
all together -- as you get comfortable and feel you can trust the
Dominant. You
may even decide to drop them in the first session. But use your
head, and
listen to your gut, in deciding when to drop them, not your pants.
If you are
still not comfortable enough by the third session with a Master to
drop any of
your temporary limits, you probably don't trust them enough and
shouldn't see
them again.
(Having said all this, i must add that all limits, even permanent
ones,
go away if you are owned -- and owned for a long time! Once the
trust is total,
there is no need for any limits. But you still choose when the
permanent ones go
away, not your Master.)
12. Try to get references on a particular Master or Mistress
before you commit
to any sort of a session. Different clubs,munches and organizations
are good for this, as
are friends and people you talk to online. A good reference from
another bottom is
better than any sort of assurance from the Master himself.
What to do if you get a bad reference? Don't automatically reject
the
Master. Find out why the reference is bad. It could easily be that
the two players
simply did not click, or that the Master's interests did not
correspond with
the slave's. Or vise versa.This can happen between any two people
and is not a sign that either one is untrustworthy or bad in some
way. A disregard for safewords, however,
or otherwise ignoring limits are good reasons to call it off.
13. When you have your first session with a Dominant, no matter
how
well you think you have gotten to know them, you need to protect
yourself in case
you have made a bad judgment call. There are many ways to do this.
One of
the most common is to tell a friend where you are going, the
Master's name,
and the address and phone number of where you will be, assuming you
have
these. Give your friend a time when you will call him to verify that
you are
okay. Tell him that if he does not hear from you by that time, he
should take
action to find you.
Make sure, though, that you give enough leeway in the timing so that
the Dominant does not have cops knocking down their door because you
thought
the session would end at midnight and they were just getting going
at that
point! Also, make sure you do call the friend if you are all right,
even if it
is from the Dominant's home. Let the Dominant know you have made
this arrangement and when your friend is expecting to hear from you.
A good Dominant will not be
offended and will make sure you can place the call.
14. Safewords. Everyone talks about them. Almost every Dominant
says
they will respect them. But do not assume that because a person says
they will respect
them that they will do so in the heat of a session. Respecting
safewords is an
easy promise to make -- and an even easier one to break. Accepting a
Dominant's assurance that they will respect a safeword is like
assuming the white line in the street will automatically stop every
car the moment you walk into the crosswalk. Most Dominants do
respect safewords, but some do not. Build some trust in a Dominant
first before accepting their assurances at face value.
Here's a test you can use in the first couple of sessions. When
you're
in a difficult position or undergoing some heavy action, make noises
indicating it is getting very hard to take and that you need
something changed. See what they do. An immediate response from them
is not necessary -- they may want to
see how far you can go. But a timely response to your distress
should be forthcoming. If it is not, don't assume they will listen
to a safe word.
15. When you are talking with a Dominant online or meeting
them in a
bar or elsewhere for the first time, know that you are both doing a
seduction
dance with each other. And if you both play your roles correctly,
you will
both get turned on.
Being seduced and turned on is a good thing, but recognize it for
what
it is. You are both looking for the buttons that the other reacts
to, and once
you find them, you are both pushing them to get the reactions you
want --Them in
taking control and you in submitting. But seduction is not real
life, just a
part of it. Wait until you get to know the Dominant in real life
before deciding they are
the one you really want to submit to.
16. Play the field. You'll need to kiss a lot of frogs or take
alot of spankings before
finding your true Dominant. One mistake many submissives --
especially those who are just "coming out" -- make is to jump into
serving a single Master exclusively and totally
before they have figured out what it is they want and need. Resist
this temptation, no
matter how fast your heart beats when you first hear a Master speak
the words you have only heard in your fantasies before.
Any Dominant worth their salt is going to be able to get you excited
and
eager to serve. That doesn't necessarily mean they are the one to
latch onto full
time. It just means that while you were together, you clicked. Get
lots of
experience. Compare the styles and characters of many Dominants.
Learn from each of
them. Learn about Dominants and more important about yourself and
what
it is you really seek from your submission. Once you have learned
enough,
especially about your own needs, then you can consider someone as a
full-time Dominant.
17. Recognize that a Dominant without a submissive is often as
desperate as
a submissive without a Dominant. They too, are human and they like
to have someone
they can depend on to play with and be with anytime they want. Plus
Dominants
generally have good-size egos and like to be able to impress other
Dominants
by saying, "I own a sub" -- or more than one.
Because of this, you may get a lot of pressure to make a full-time
commitment or to go into full-time training at an early stage of
your acquaintance
with a Dominant. Resist this. Do not do it until you are sure that
they are the Dominant
you want in this role. Indeed, one sign of a really good Dominant is
that they may
offer you a position with them without pressuring you in any way to
make a quick
decision. Such a Dominant understands how tentative and unsure the
sub is of themselves. And how many unowned slaves are. And do have
enough confidence in themselves not to need a trophy.
18. Do not assume that in the early stages of getting to know a
Dominant that they will feel the same toward you as you feel toward
them. It is very hard
for a Dominant to open themselves up and become vulnerable to
someone else, but this is exactly what slaves do when they submit to
a Dominant. Doing so provides
an amazing sense of relief and satisfaction, and we feel a strong
bond with the
person who has seen us become so open and vulnerable. We feel close
to them
and want to be with them.
But, at least in an early session, the Dominant does not do the
same: They
do not lay themselves to bare to you just because they play with
you. While they
may like you, may have enjoyed the session, and may want to see you
again, don't
assume they are feeling the same strong bond with you that you feel
with them.
Over time, if you and he or she develop an ongoing relationship,
they will feel
this way. But not at first.
19. Do not mistake this bond you are feeling for love. This is
why so many
submissives decide, after only a couple of weeks, that they have
found the Dominant
they have sought for so long. Then they are hurt and disappointed
when, a
few weeks later, it doesn't work out. Don't make this mistake.
Since it is seldom that any of us experience real love in life, we
may
not know what love really feels like even though we seek it so
desperately. As
noted above, once you have laid yourself bare in a session, given
that much
control and submission to another Dominant, you are going to feel
very close to them.
But this is not love. It is simply openness and a bond beginning to
form. Enjoy the
bond. But remember that real love means you know the Dominant well —
not
just the Dominant but the whole person -- and that you accept them
for what they are, warts and all.
20. Finally, remember that this is all supposed to be fun and
satisfying. If it is
not, if you find that the Dominant is causing you to be upset,
worried, guilty, whatever --
if you are not having fun or being satisfied -- then don't play with
them. Find someone else.
Too many submissives take this all much too seriously and never
really enjoy the hunt, never really enjoy the sex, never really
enjoy the submission, never really enjoy being conquered by a
Dominant, never really enjoy any of it. They work too hard and are
too desperate.
lovya all
~cdreams~
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