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a dead horse I'm sure - 10/20/2006 12:46:07 AM

Shadowraven

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I looked through older posts, unfortunately... any seeming really relevant were broken.
I would like some help with training. My we have been at this for several some time now and have made minimal progress in certain areas... she has made it clear that she really wants to be sub for me, and she is doing rather well in matters of protocol/ettiquete.
The real problem comes to the temper, she has a short-lived temper and can be quite sarcastic at times. Unfortunately, when this genetic temper sets in she gets extremely stubborn and spiteful even. Any suggestions on how to work on this?

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RE: a dead horse I'm sure - 10/20/2006 2:42:47 AM

MissyRane

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mmm temper...I luv ma lil temper gootchiegooooo
you could just try n show her that she doesn't get anything out of being stubborn or being in a bad mood?
but then I've no idea how to handle temper I'm not so good at handling it either lol ahem

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RE: a dead horse I'm sure - 10/20/2006 3:06:48 AM

ChaOz

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There might be an unresolved issue, she might be rebelling against lose of control. Might want to discuss it but I would:

1. Warn her, tell her that its inappropriate and she isnt showing proper respect.
2. Tell her to go masterbate somewhere slightly embarassing like the toilet as it would lower her energy levels to orgasm.
3. Make her wear her underwear on her head. Somehow I doubt bitchiness would have the same effect once the underwear goes on.You laugh, she shuts up. Simple.
4. have a board or something where you mark off each time she is bitchy and it results in a certain level of punishment at the end of the week depending how bad she was.

I'm new though so dont have many ideas but the main thing is not to respond to it emotionally, its what she is looking for. If you act cool like it doesnt matter and just re-direct the conversation it would work also. maybe she just wants a reaction and punishment or to drive ya crazy, dunno.

< Message edited by ChaOz -- 10/20/2006 3:09:48 AM >

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RE: a dead horse I'm sure - 10/20/2006 3:09:38 AM

gooddogbenji

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I have always found that humour is the best way to show you hold nothing of someone's temper. Underwear on head, pinching her cheeks and calling her cuddles, or whatever.

Of course afterwards talk about what happened, what set it off.

Yours,

benji

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RE: a dead horse I'm sure - 10/20/2006 6:26:51 AM

ExtremeOwnerIL

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Shadowraven
The real problem comes to the temper, she has a short-lived temper and can be quite sarcastic at times. Unfortunately, when this genetic temper sets in she gets extremely stubborn and spiteful even. Any suggestions on how to work on this?

Do you have children? I ask because the skills learned as a parent can come in handy here.

With children (or animals, or sub/slaves), the key is consistency and strength. Strength to correct and consistency to do it again, and again, and again, and even again. If she truly wants to sub to you, then she'll eventually learn that she cannot dominate you with her temper.

Things I have done to children to calm temper - time outs, corner, sentences, cleaning. Things I have done to animals to calm temper - distraction, crating, (extreme case) muzzling. Not that I'm advocating you do these things to your sub, unless it's appropriate and within limits.
Things I have done to slaves with wilful tempers - time outs, corners, sentences, enforced silence time, enforced eye contact restriction, enforced furniture priviledges.

The danger, of course, is that if her temper is her nature and a key core aspect, then that's a major change for her. That will take time, patience on both your parts and constant communication.

On other thought - you may be dealing with issues that are more appropriate dealt with through counseling. Why does she feel a need to be so extreme in her anger? Perhaps there's an underlying issue. As I'm fond of telling property or those I play with - "I am not a licensed therapist, so I cannot help you with emotional or psychological issues."

Good luck to you,
Regards,
EO

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RE: a dead horse I'm sure - 10/20/2006 6:54:34 AM

MasterFireMaam

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I've read that negative emotions, such as anger, are really redirections of, or reactions to, her own fear of something. It's most likely a skill that she learned early in life and is quite unaware that she does it. Finding out what she's afraid of, at the core, can be a tricky business and you might need to involve a therapist. Getting rid of the fear, once it's pin pointed, can aso be tricky business. Sarcasm is often a way to say what you "really" feel, but in a funny way. Again, a redirection.

Validate her feelings...she has the right to feel anger, however, ask if it's the best way to handle the situation (which, of course, it's not). Be calm. She will try hard to elicit some strong emotion from you because this is a much more powerful redirection than her anger alone. Save your reaction for after you try to find the real problem. As others have said, make it clear that she can't manipulate you with her anger.

Again, a therapist might need to be involved if this is a real anger-management issue. In the end, you can guide her in working through it, but she is responsible for her own emotional reactions to things.

I found this with a quick google search: http://www.anger-management-techniques.org/

Master Fire

< Message edited by MasterFireMaam -- 10/20/2006 6:58:37 AM >

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RE: a dead horse I'm sure - 10/20/2006 7:29:26 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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In total agreement with Fire. Your goal here is to teach her to learn to express herself in appropriate ways- not to prevent herself from expressing her feelings completely.

Be specific. When you have an issue with her- what is it? The word? The tone? The timing? Communicate to her exactly what behavior was inappropriate AND give an example of how it would be appropriate in the future.

Don't make it a big deal emotionally- emotions will distract. Just keep it simple and light, it's jsut a mild correction. Over time it will add up, but if you make every sentence into a fight, you'll wear eachother out and not make much progress.

This is a long term behavioral change. While you can see attitude adjustments almost immediately, in times of stress we almost always revert back to our old habits and that can take years to really re-train. Praise her mildly when she does something right and will know that you are working on this TOGETHER.

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RE: a dead horse I'm sure - 10/20/2006 8:45:33 AM

Shadowraven

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Wow, thanks guys. There were a lot of great suggestions. As far as the whole fear issue, she does have a past which may cause her to fear:
a) entrusting another with her well-being
b) that she is making a "wrong choice" in subbing, more specifically... to me.
Those issues are definately strong ones, but we have been working at them consistently. It is however, apparent to me that she has made progress in confronting those issues and the validity of prejudices formed through another person (very influential in her life though) which they obtained from bad experiences some 30-so years ago. With all that said, there has been a lot of progress in those areas... it's just the offensive defense approach she takes when being corrected. That is where my doubt comes in though, I wonder if I'm somehow approaching corrections wrongly... or maybe insensitively.
As far as the temper being a core part of her, it is not. She is by nature service-oriented, low-stress, and quite calm even when situations may merit stressing out. She has been in service-oriented jobs for most of her life... jobs such as customer service representative, receptionist for doctors and others, training employees, working with local religious education groups, etc. What's more, she thoroughly enjoys these types of jobs. In comparing her service-oriented position, in relation to myself, and her past jobs, I think our relationship still lacks that defined role/ruleset which you get from an employer.

Once again, thanks for all the help and great suggestions.

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