RE: Wanting to re-live sexual abuse? (Full Version)

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unownedredhead -> RE: Wanting to re-live sexual abuse? (10/24/2006 3:55:35 AM)

Let me ask you a few questions.  I take it you are asuming the abuse caused the fantasy?  So with the same logic all abused people should have the same fantasy?  I know people who were abused and do not have the fantasy.  I know people who were not abused who do have the fantasy.  Did it occur to you that the desire was there anyway?  What if the abuse has nothing to do with it?  I hate to tell you this but......it is just a fantasy.  If it gives you pleasure there is no harm.  find someone to play with safely.  You will need a larger dose of trust and reasurance than some....but once you find that....the world is your playground.  Find a nice secluded spot with a trusted partner and scream your head off!  have the time of your life girl!



MasterRobert1 -> RE: Wanting to re-live sexual abuse? (10/24/2006 5:31:18 AM)

This is something you might want to read.

http://www.cpsphd.edu/dp_ediththomsen.htm



Celeste43 -> RE: Wanting to re-live sexual abuse? (10/24/2006 6:03:31 AM)

Sexual abuse followed by date rape, no pleasurable sex which involved you giving consent. I think this could be very helpful or very damaging with no way to know beforehand but I'm leaning towards damaging. Psychodrama is for professionals. 

Since you are not involved in a trustworthy relationship with someone you can talk to openly and fully about your past experiences, who would be able to tell when you were regressing and when it was too much, I wouldn't recommend it yet. However the person to talk to is your therapist.

In general, is the therapy helping: Are you able to stand up to men now? Demand they take back shoddy goods in a store? Get a teacher's attention and ask specific questions and get answers, not brush off. Be able to say to a boss that his job request is not in your job description, it's a lot more work and responsibility than you were hired for and you will do it in exchange for a promotion/raise/bonus.

The person to talk to about how to judge the efficacy of therapy is the therapist. If there's depression involved, you should be tested fairly regularly as to your level of depression. Insurance companies want to know this and it's helpful to the patient as well. You have the right to insist on doing this since you need a way to quantify the effects of treatment until you feel it.



thetammyjo -> RE: Wanting to re-live sexual abuse? (10/24/2006 6:17:59 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: dollparts85

I was sexually abused as a small child...I didn't enjoy it at all..hurt pretty bad...but I really get turned on by the idea of role playing as a little girl and being forced to do sexual things that I'm really not interested in and don't want to do...am I crazy or something? is this at all normal?


I woud say that what you need to do is deal with your past instead of reliving it.

The feelings are normal but normal does not necessarily mean healthy or best -- only great reflection and a lot of hard work on what happened in your past can determine what is healthy and best for you.

BDSM is not therapy so before you'd want to play out anything that might be similar to what happened to you I highly recommend getting a therapist and being as completely open with a partner.

I'd also be very wary of a partner who says "that's sounds like fun" immediately -- a good partner should be cautious about replaying or approaching past abuse because he/she this will involve opening a lot of intense emotions. Someone eager to do that probably doesn't realize the negatives that are likely to come up nor will he/she be prepared for the consequences of such a scene.

A person approached by someone who wants to relive past issues in scene needs to be cautious for her/himself as well -- it is a huge responsibility and you can never be sure what might happen when you walk on that ground. In my experience, the odds are that whatever happens will not be butterflies and sunshine.

Now if you start dealing with your past, have a partner who is willing to work through that with you, and you still feel drawn to those scenarios, approach things slowly and with lots of time for debriefing and dealing with things as they come up (both of you). Also know that sometimes things that do not appear to be similar to our pasts can still trigger memories and issues so always have a partner you can trust will back off and stop things if you lose the ability to use a safeword or get pulled into a memory too deeply and too quickly to react.

Good luck.



onestandingstill -> RE: Wanting to re-live sexual abuse? (10/24/2006 6:37:28 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: dollparts85

I was sexually abused as a small child...I didn't enjoy it at all..hurt pretty bad...but I really get turned on by the idea of role playing as a little girl and being forced to do sexual things that I'm really not interested in and don't want to do...am I crazy or something? is this at all normal?

Hi Doll,
Yes I agree it's very normal.
What you need to decide is a way to use that for your mental health and not mental anguish or injury.

I was also molested from age 12-16.
In my research into women who'd been molested during pre-pubescent years I learned a lot about me and my habits.

It's very common to feel even though you didn't want it to happen or ask for it that somehow you were responsible or should be feeling guilt.

I say not your actions, not your choice, and not your cross to bear.

Many stay in the victim frame of mind. I say take back your right to be free and happy or you let the cycle of abuse and this persons power hurt you still. Be victorious over this and don't allow it to control how you feel today or in the future as far as guilt or shame.
You did nothing wrong. Something bad happened to you.

Being you've only had sex once probably what happened when you flashed back you were feeling good, but still living in the mind set of when it was taken from you.
It's common to mix the heat and the victim and not be sure how you feel about that.
Just remember this is not the man that abused you and stay in the present as much as you can.
You associated the abuse with your sexuality.
This is also very common.

The stuff I'd read also said women who are awakened to their sexual nature prematurely are often sex addicts or nymphs.
I am a prime example of that.
If I had all the sex I wanted I'd do little else in my life.
What you have to do is unburden yourself from any responsibility of the event or events, forgive the person for their big step over the line and violating you (even if they don't think it was wrong), and decide if indeed you want to have sex in a little girl frame of mind after you work out the other two.

I've often seen subs who do age play with Daddy Doms who do not have sexual relations with them.
They mostly start at the age of abuse and he helps you grow emotionally into a full fledged woman over the course of time.
Maybe this would be something that would help you decide if the intimacy of the relations or the idea of screwing as a little one appeals to you more.

I do find I thoroughly enjoy being a nasty horny girl for someone I consider my Daddy and him doing bad secret things to me. 
I in no way relate that to anything other than a role playing scene and do not have flashbacks of the real molestation in it.
It's just a game to me.
Incest or molestation without consent is a whole different thing .
I would never enjoy or consider this dynamic sexually in real life situations.

Take time to sort out how you feel and don't just act impulsively.
Nurture this seed in your mind till it matures enough to flower before you want to have it bear fruit.

Good luck,
suzanne



Sinergy -> RE: Wanting to re-live sexual abuse? (10/24/2006 7:48:52 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: dollparts85

I'm in therapy and on meds but I don't know if its helping...



Hello dollparts85,

I agree with the poster who suggested professional help.  Additionally, I would make sure it was with a therapist / psychiatrist I trusted enough to share this information with.  A kink-friendly one couldnt hurt either.

I would caution you against relying on the good will of a Dominant to protect
you during those dissassociative or flashback times.

You will recover, but from what I have heard it is a long road.

Good luck,

Sinergy



sapphirepleasure -> RE: Wanting to re-live sexual abuse? (10/24/2006 8:00:20 AM)

Hi dollparts,

I can also relate to where you are.  I also experienced abuse as a young child, so young that the memories of it are rather fuzzy for me.

There was a time in my life, about 5 or 6 years ago, when I got to know a Dom (just online and over the phone) who I came to trust very much.  He really understood this dynamic and he was a hypnotist, too.  I found that I could regress very easily to that very young part of myself which he called 'Princess', and I very much enjoyed the play we did together, and yes, it was sexual in nature.

He explained to me that this kind of play can be very empowering because you now have the ability to stop the scene at any time and process any feelings you are having and talk about them.

This didn't go on for a long time with me.  Eventually I tired of it and was ready to move on to a more adult persona in my play.  Ironically, I was only able to grow to a certain point with this Dom because he prefered me to remain 'young' and in need of rescue it seemed.  When I began moving past this, he was uncomfortable with the 'rest' of me, and our play came to an end.  But for me, I experienced it as a time of growth, and I do think it's very normal to want to relive trauma with a safe and loving partner in order to 'reclaim' it and get past it.

Best of luck to you,
sp



Sinergy -> RE: Wanting to re-live sexual abuse? (10/24/2006 8:07:32 AM)

 
Hello A/all,

I had another thought on this thread, and I decided to share it for what it is.

In the classes I teach, we do simulated rape scenarios where the women are
taught to fight their way out of being pinned and helpless.  In these, I portray
various characters that run the gamut from creepy to angry.

I have had women who disassociated in class while I was doing this.  Their eyes rolled up into the back of their head.  They went into the fetal position.  Sometimes they shouted in a male voice telling me to leave her alone.  Sometimes they dropped into catatonia.

The women who teach the classes were taught by professional crisis interventionists and psychiatrists how to bring them out of this state to finish the fight.  The finish the fight.  From what they tell me it speeded up their own personal recovery.

But that is not really my point.

The looks in the eyes of the women who have done this while I was mock-assaulting them still haunt me, going as far back as 1990. 

Sinergy




Lordskitten -> RE: Wanting to re-live sexual abuse? (10/24/2006 1:44:15 PM)

I think if you've come to terms with your abuse then yes GO FOR IT.  But if you havent sought counciling or had a 'spiritual cleansing' by yourself...Then this can be a very dangerous thing for your mental state.  Like you mentioned you might suffer a flash back that DOES not add to the scene at all. 

It's most important to be sure your healthy enough mentally to not harm yourself by re-living said events.  But on the flip side, forcing yourself to re-live things might help you over come them as well.  If you try this, i really strongly suggest its with someone you care deeply about, and who will be there to hold you and council you as best they can afterwards..cause i have a feeling it would be a huge emotional explosion.  You dont want someone to run away from you while your mind and heart are healing the trauma.



SirLordTrainer -> RE: Wanting to re-live sexual abuse? (10/24/2006 3:57:06 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mystictryst

Then that is what you need to get sorted out... Sometimes, even if you do want it, it can cause flashbacks... When your mind is in pieces, all the want in the world can't hold it together.

I also know that sometimes, when all you know is abuse, you can turn that into something you think you need - you can make yourself think that the only thing you are is a body to abuse. And this lifestyle can enable you to maintain the abuse (I am not saying this lifestyle is at all abusive... But to an abused person who has not dealt with their abuse can use this lifestyle to maintain a 'comfort' level of abuse (under the guise of BDSM) to fulfill the only life they know.)

So, dollparts85... Before you plunge into this, my first stop would be to get help... Professional help, if you can. Sometimes you may not know why or what will trigger you, but it's probably best to figure that out before you walk this road.

Just my thought on the matter.


Im inclined to believe this as well the fact she is in therapy, on meds, yet shes not sure if its helping. shes been abused and has flashbacks and only had sex once.. I think she should sort out her problems prior to jumping into BDSM.. otherwise I see potential red flags. Either way, best of luck to you



SlaveAkasha -> RE: Wanting to re-live sexual abuse? (10/24/2006 4:07:13 PM)

From someone that had sexual abuse, rape, and a horrid first sexual experience, let me please urge you to continue into the help you have already started before starting into reliving this past abuse in any way.  It is normal, and that is how I responded in my first post to you, but I have thought a lot since then and reread yours a few times.
 
To jump in now, could only make things a lot worse for you.  I don't want to see that, nor does anyone else.  I did that, I jumped into bdsm right after my rape, big mistake.  I let myself be used, I felt like I deserved to only been seen as this "object", this thing to be used.  I went through so many horrible things, including almost ending up in a mental hospital for cutting.  It DIDN'T stem from the bdsm, but from where my mind was when I started it.  I have since been in therapy, and have dealt with it a lot.  I still do have some healing to go, I don't deny that, but I no longer feel as though being used for sex is my only purpose (in a bad way).  I know that this is how I want to live, it's what I enjoy, and I now have a healthy outlook on it.  Believe it or not, sex can be good.  I know sometimes it seems like it can't, I have had more bad experiences than positive ones. 
 
Once you can work some of the things that are bothering you out, in a healthy enviroment..there is nothing wrong with exploring them in the "play" world.  The best thing you can do though, is make sure that your mind will know the difference between past ABUSE and current PLEASURE.
 
I wish you the best of luck,
Akasha



charismagirrl -> RE: Wanting to re-live sexual abuse? (10/24/2006 4:16:11 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: unownedredhead

Let me ask you a few questions.  I take it you are asuming the abuse caused the fantasy?  So with the same logic all abused people should have the same fantasy? 


Not to be argumentative, because obviously your post wasn't meant in a nasty way, but i did want to interject something about your statement.

Just because not everyone who has been abused has the fantasy isn't to say that ALL abused ppl WOULD have the fantasy anyway (if it stemmed from abuse in the first place). Some abused ppl become abusers themselves, some cope through dissoaciation and develop multiple personalities,some go totally "nuts", some seek out abusers, some trust, some don't. Soo just to clarify my point, no  group of ppl will ever react to a certain experience in the same way. There will always be exceptions to those rules.

That being said, you do have a valid point about of a possibility that the fantasy may've been there regardless of the abuse.

myself, i am an childhood abuse survivor and i share the OP fantasy. i've also discussed it with my therapist and he agrees with my assessment of it (in my case). i feel that by allowing myself the fantasy and exploration of it with my Daddy/Master that i am reclaiming what was taken from me during the abuse. i am twisting it around and taking the power away from it to hurt me. i am giving the power to my Master and turning it around into a positive.

i am also, by allowing myself to take control over it, (and then by willingly giving that control to my Master/Daddy) regaining control  in a place that at one point i had zero control over. As a child i couldn't say "NO" and have it mean anything. Now i have the control to say "YES Daddy." or if it's affecting me negatively "NO Daddy." and have it mean everything.

So don't feel alone dollparts because it would seem that you're in a larger group than you knew [:)]



KatyLied -> RE: Wanting to re-live sexual abuse? (10/24/2006 4:19:41 PM)

If you are going to use the lifestyle for therapy, please fully disclose this to your partner.  It would be inappropriate to include  someone nonconsensually in this sort of situation.



sunnydays -> RE: Wanting to re-live sexual abuse? (10/24/2006 4:24:23 PM)

i have a very similar past.. adn i did have flash backs.. but i had a dom i trusted wholeheartly to help me with nightmares etc.. until i could cope..and now i hardly have any nightmares and i cant reemmber the last time i had a flash back. just remeber.. dont try anything unless you completly trust your dom..as you have no hope of beating these demons if you a even a little scared



pixelslave -> RE: Wanting to re-live sexual abuse? (10/28/2006 3:46:57 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: dollparts85

I was sexually abused as a small child...I didn't enjoy it at all..hurt pretty bad...but I really get turned on by the idea of role playing as a little girl and being forced to do sexual things that I'm really not interested in and don't want to do...am I crazy or something? is this at all normal?


As many have noted, you are not alone.  I blocked out the memories of my childhood sexual abuse for many years until the flashbacks and body memories began in my early 30's.  It was a difficult time and a long road toward healing.  It included periods of repeated acting-out, apparently trying to obtain a different outcome in vain.  For me, this was only self-destructive behavior which I managed to stop before destroying my life.


quote:

ORIGINAL: onestandingstill

Take time to sort out how you feel and don't just act impulsively.
Nurture this seed in your mind till it matures enough to flower before you want to have it bear fruit.



I totally agree with Suzanne.  Work with your therapist, let your meds stabilize your mood, and take your time.  Your inexperience with sex in general is evident.  Becoming comfortable with who you are and teaching yourself that being sexual is not about being abused, but instead is loving your body and the person inside, would seem to me to be of the utmost importance to you right now.  If later, you decide that you still want to explore your fantasies, the option will still be there and you'll be much better prepared; hopefully with a loving and caring partner that you'll be able to count on to provide the support you might need afterward.

There is too much work I supect that needs to be done before you travel down the path you propose, such as learning to deal with your flashbacks in therapy first; lessoning their intensity and regaining control.  To that end, I strongly suggest if you can, that you find a therapist trained in something called EMDR.  You might want to look at the link below for more information as this treatment was initially developed to help Vietnam Vets suffering from flashbacks and has helped countless others with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), which includes many, if not most, survivors of childhood sexual abuse.  It was something that I personally found quite helpful to me.  As the saying goes, Your Mileage May Vary.  Best of luck to you on your journy! [:)]
 
http://www.emdr.com/briefdes.htm 

 - pixel 



charismagirrl -> RE: Wanting to re-live sexual abuse? (10/28/2006 4:28:46 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

If you are going to use the lifestyle for therapy, please fully disclose this to your partner.  It would be inappropriate to include  someone nonconsensually in this sort of situation.


Absolutely my Master/Daddy is very aware of my past and in what happens in my therapy, and not trying to sound snotty or anything, but, i am a slave and therefore can't keep things from him at all, mental/emotional privacy aren't allowed (except for the mundane thoughts that don't add up to anything)

Also, as pixelslave mentioned, EMDR is a great kind of therapy for dealing with past abuse/traumas. Another thing i wanted to add, is, just because one choses to use fantasy play/role play theraputically, doesn't mean that it's a replacement for thereapy. It can just be an extra tool that one could use.



BDSM05478 -> RE: Wanting to re-live sexual abuse? (10/28/2006 4:29:09 PM)

The most beautiful part of this lifestyle is the mental and emotional healing that can take place if your with someone that knows you and what they are doing..... the flip side to that is there is a bigger chance of getting scarred where there was no problem before. I can honestly say it helped me...... When i was younger i use to have a cousin that would tickle me but he used that activity to cover for his real actions of copping a feel. This went on for years where he would hold me down touchingg me and making it look like i was being tickled, i hated it and him! so much so that when i grew up i could not tolerate being tickled at all by any one. I almost punched one of my best friends because she tried to hold me down and tickle me. Then along came Daddy, who loves the sound of my laugh..... the first time he tickled me, i had a violent reaction and had to admit to past abuse. He took that time in my life and brought me back there mentally.....and with his care and reassurence, he made me re-associate tickling with good things and he healed that in me. I love this life, the mind is the most powerful sexual organ we have, shame more people don't think of it that way.
~Rhi~



pixelslave -> RE: Wanting to re-live sexual abuse? (10/28/2006 5:46:12 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: BDSM05478

when i grew up i could not tolerate being tickled at all by any one. I almost punched one of my best friends because she tried to hold me down and tickle me. Then along came Daddy, who loves the sound of my laugh..... the first time he tickled me, i had a violent reaction and had to admit to past abuse. He took that time in my life and brought me back there mentally.....and with his care and reassurence, he made me re-associate tickling with good things and he healed that in me.


I recall being relentlessly tickled while pinned down as well; to the point of being enraged and crying for release.  It is something which I consider a hard limit for me.  

Are you now able to enjoy being tickled by your Daddy following the healing work he has done with you??  If so, I'm very curious to hear more about the nature of the work you have done with him!  [8|]

My daughters both love being tickled.  Being their "Tickle Monster" is something I do for them as they crave the attention.  But inwardly I sometimes have trouble with the feeling that I'm somehow like one of those who held me down and wouldn't stop tickling me, even though I know the girls are truly laughing and having a wonderful time. [&o]

- pixel



Nitedom -> RE: Wanting to re-live sexual abuse? (10/28/2006 6:50:34 PM)

dollparts,
I don't offer this because I know in any way what it is you went through. I don't and I am so sorry you had to experience that in your life. I wish you well in working through your recovery.  I just wanted to offer something from a personal experience for what ever it may be worth to you.

I had a relationship with a sub years ago now, who had been raped as a young teenager. Still, as an adult, and with me, she liked to role play rape themes, and she liked it to be a bit aggressive. 

I thought at the time that it was unusual, and at first it made me hold back during play. I remember talking with her about it one time and while I don't recall most of the conversation, I do very much remember her telling me that the play and the rape were two very different things and at least in her mind not related. 

They were different to her because she knew in a core way that there were some boundaries to our play,  and she knew that ultimately she was safe with me.  It was a way for her to enjoy all the things that aroused her about being overpowered, even used in a harsh way, but still she had the power of consent with the play.  And she had trust in me that I wouldn't go beyond certain things. During her rape she had neither of these. 

Perhaps that the core of it.  The play is with your consent and you set the parameters.  And that you are doing it with someone you know you can trust with your heart and with your body.  I think if you can answer to yourself those questions before you engage, do I have consent, and do I trust my partner with my heart and with my body, then you can explore your desires and it might help in not confusing it with the abuse you suffered. 



BuxomGoddess321 -> RE: Wanting to re-live sexual abuse? (10/28/2006 7:28:10 PM)

Dear dollparts,

Not all fantasy's are caused by abuse.  Yours sounds like it may be. This is a desire to resolve an issue.  Its very common.  If you have been on the same meds for months and with the same therapist for months and are not feeling better, you need a change.  Intense therapy you are actively involed in and correct meds will make a change within months. Thats how the brain/mind works.  You need to be very involved in your own recovery, however, and speak out when you are not feeling well enough and this is hard for abuse victims to stand up for themselves.  So start with your therapist and Psychiatrist.   You must take their advice into the practice of your daily thoughts and live for it to be affective.  It isn't about them waving a magic wand over you for an hour each week.  The meds do not cure you, they give you more control over your own thoughts.

Scening things we had no power over as children CAN free us IF we understand that now we do have the power over the situation.  There is scientific evidence that repeating negative patterns will cause us to continue literally crave repeating them, just like an addiction.  If you feel out of control in the scene, this is no different then the abuse experienced as a child.  Ever wonder why some people get into negative relationships over and over?  They are in a way addicted to them.  Until you face your abuse and are very much in control of your own life, it is dangerous ground to play with.  If you feel very safe, in control of the situation and have no underlying issues with the person you are turning over your trust to, it can be freeing to now be in charge of the scene that at one time you had no control over at all.  But turning over all that control to a new abuser will just cause a repeat of old patterns of being a victim.  You need to be in intense, affective therapy and very self aware to do this without becoming dysfunctional, making poor choices and being futher victimized.  Women who were abused continually make poor choices in partners until they get out of this pattern.

But you're not a freak.  This is very common.  Use it to get healthy tho, instead of imprinting a pattern of psychologically and emotionally unhealthy relationships.  I do not judge what two consenting adults do and I am a very freaky person, myself.  This type of scening has both helped and damaged me, depending on the other person and their intent.  But every action causes a reaction in our brains and a victim of abuse is a fragile creature.  Good luck to you.

Be blessed,
Goddess



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