RE: Severe Depression In Subs (Full Version)

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submarriner -> RE: Severe Depression In Subs (10/27/2006 2:44:29 PM)

Lashra,
A man with a previous drug abuse history, who lives at home, and has fanatial difficulty of which accountance is lacking, spells recurrent drug use. I don't know either of you, and I am sorry if my response seems harsh and callous, but I have seen these warnings signs too often to ignore the likiness that his depression and behavior is the result of drug use. If I am wrong, and he is depressed, you cannot help him. He is in need of professional help whether he has returned to drugs, or suffers with depression. Best of luck to both of you.



Rule -> RE: Severe Depression In Subs (10/27/2006 3:11:59 PM)

His situation will slowly tear down any person. He needs to get out of that house at least two days and one evening per week. If he has that many siblings, they ought to do shifts of three or four hours to take care of their father and mother.
 
His mother probably got cancer as a result of the stress caused by the dementia of her husband. I imagine that your sub is now feeling even more stress, as his mother is not able any longer to adequately care for her husband.
 
I too suspect cocaine abuse to deal with his problems. That is why he is agressively defensive. I suggest that you change your mind and do not drop him for this reason. He needs all the support you can give him to prevent him slipping further downslope.
 
This is a disaster in the happening.
 
The root of the problem is the dementing father. He should be removed from the equation.
 
If the father is not removed, the mother will most certainly die from cancer.



pixelslave -> RE: Severe Depression In Subs (10/27/2006 7:19:02 PM)

Having dealt with depression myself, I can tell you that in my experience and observations, a general practitioner is not qualified to dispense anti-depressant medications.  They simply don't have the background or experience that a Psychiatrist does to know which one(s) to try first or to prescribe for a particular patient based on their background and specific symptoms.  Unfortunately, treating a depressed person with medications is still much more of an art than it is a science.  Contrary to what was mentioned by someone else, a situational depression, as with all depression, eventually becomes chemical in it's nature.  As a person becomes depressed and their functioning decreases,  the chemistry of the brain changes over time, making the use of anti-depressive medications beneficial to most.

As this man's Mistress, you are in the best position of probably anyone to help him, in that you can require him to seek help.  At this point, he may be too depressed to be able to do it on his own without additional motivation or assistance.  Eventually, as others have said, it will be up to him to resolve any issues that are at the root of his depression.  But as his Mistress, you do have the opportunity to try and direct him toward help.  If he chooses not to go there, then as others have suggested, it would be wise to do what you need to in order to take care of yourself and preserve your own mental health! 

Best wishes to the both of you as I know this is not easy.

- pixel



DiurnalVampire -> RE: Severe Depression In Subs (10/27/2006 7:30:44 PM)

It would sound to me like everything in his life right now is leading to his depressed state.  When you have little sleep, ill parents and have to worry about maintaining a relationship on top of it... it just gets overwhelming.  Reassure him that you are not going anywhere, you are not going to dismiss him if he has to take some time away becasue of finances.  As bad an idea as it is, he might be using the extra money uselessly in an attempt to make himself feel better. Perhaps the reason he gets upset you ask is becasue he is embarrased by the attempts and knows how youd view them, even though he thinks they are necessary at the time.
I know when I was in a situation similiar, though I was dealing with my grandmother, and not sleepng nearly at all becasue she had breathing problems and often stopped breathing during her sleep, nothign helped.  I lost interest in other people, and pretty much alowed myself to fall into a hole and disappear.  No one could help, but thanks to a few good friends support, I did get over it.
I would suggest he see someone and talk.  I dont think medication is necessarily a good idea, but I am jaded becasue of my own reaction when I was on meds.
I do hope the situation gets better.

DV



LadyHugs -> RE: Severe Depression In Subs (10/27/2006 8:14:02 PM)

Dear Lashra, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
I can only empathise with your submissive, to which being at home with two parents who are a shadow of their former mental self and additional illnesses; as I have been a care giver to both parents and lost one not to cancer they had but, to a heart attack hours after their release from the hospital.  That parent was the more mentally stable of the both and a good spirit, my strength and I theirs.  The other parent was a handful for us both--now it is only me left to handle them.
 
I've dropped severely out of a lot of social engagements, functions and seldom go to events.  I have even given up a position as a faculty member due to the added burdens of handling the house, finances and a chronic 'b----ch' of a parent, that thrives on drama, manipulation and negativities.  My sibling makes excuses on why not to come and why to leave as soon as possible.  I am afraid my health has deminished as well.  The question I ask of myself, is how come I don't have more severe depression then I do now. 
 
Although people tell me to leave or they wouldn't put up with what I am putting up with--it comes to becoming more like a pluck at my last nerve, yet I know these people mean well.  Life isn't fair.  Sometimes, it just boils down to what is right.
 
I never had a drug or alcohol problem but, I am sure it would be a temptation to ease the stress, anxiety and or depression.  It would be to the submissive's advantage to get help.  And, don't forget finding help and anxiety relief for yourself as well. 
 
Best prescription for me was, having a gathering of wonderful slaves around my legs to laving loving affection and appreciation on them, as they would give me loving support and affection.  I also had a wonderful male slave, who was a nurse and worked in a facility that both parents would have ended up in.  His loving and cheerful nature kept my heart and spirits up.  I also have a heavy masochist that loves it when I play rough, so I do get into a happier frame of mind.
 
There will be efforts by any half sane individual to grasp at the positives.
 
The fact that he was a dominant once, might be what the chap needs to get some control back as to even out the out of control life he lives at home.  Just a thought.
 
You two just need to communicate and see what is best for you both.
Please extend my best wishes and understanding.  All of us in the scene around my age are suddenly faced with being care providers for parents as well as for our slaves and or submissives.
 
Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs
 
 



Rule -> RE: Severe Depression In Subs (10/27/2006 8:33:11 PM)

You as well need to have some respite, LH. You must speak to your sibling and get him or her to substitute for you some evenings or day periods every week. If not, your sibling must dish up some money so you can employ someone to babysit during such an evening.



LadyHugs -> RE: Severe Depression In Subs (10/27/2006 8:41:26 PM)

Dear Rule--
 
I cannot get money out of a stone (sybling).  LOL  And, if someone were to take on the parent--I would be deemed as inhumane.
 
I did offer to loan this parent out to the military overseas but, they were terrified and said that the parent is the worst inhumane thing I could do to the enemy and the Red Cross and Amnesty International would call me Sadistic.  [pushes sadistic creativities back down under my creative mind] {{Laughs}}
 
Respectfully submitting with wit,
Lady Hugs



GoddessDustyGold -> RE: Severe Depression In Subs (10/28/2006 11:38:08 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lashra

Unfortnately nothing is in my mail box. Maybe the message didnt go through? CM is wierd like that sometimes.

~Lashra



Check your mail...hopefully you have something from Me. 



bettie1959 -> RE: Severe Depression In Subs (10/28/2006 3:08:34 PM)

I don't know what stage of dementia the father is in but having worked in gero-psych units, and assisting with the care of my great grandmother in her home, the fact that he lives at home is concerning.   They can wander out of doors at night, leave unwatched cooking on the stove, and generally pose a risk to self and others.  Both your sub and his mother should discuss some sort of respite care, be it adult day care, temporary skilled facility placement or long term placement in a facility that caters to the special needs of alzheimers/dememtia patients. 

The situation as it is does not appear to be ideal for any of the three people that live in that home.  The mother needs a calm home, a sanctuary to heal.  The father may require more supervision, consistancy, and routine.   I agree with the others that suggested your sub engage in counseling for himself and his financial situation.  Even if he has the best intentions of getting his act together, this environment will not help facilitate it. There are professionals that specialize in drug abuse past and present.  With the exception of you, it doesn't sound like he has much of a support system.  Sometimes people are not entirely open about their problems with a loved one and need an outside source (professional) to really be honest and get to the root of the  problem.  There is nothing to lose if a stranger frowns upon your actions/revelations, but everything to lose if a loved one does the same. 

I would like to add that not every skilled nursing facility is appropriate for dementia patients.  They have specialized needs. 

My heart really goes out to the mother.  I hope that she finds a support group thru her oncologist referral.  Hopefully, the rest of the children will rally for her.  My heart goes out to you also.  I hope he is being totally truthful with you but have my doubts.  The distance makes it easier to avoid full disclosure of the situation.  He is lucky to have you on his side.



pinksissyPA -> RE: Severe Depression In Subs (10/28/2006 7:49:37 PM)

i think Ms Morigel is on targey here.  What person wouldn't be emotionally and physically affected by this situation?  Missing days at work and paying for Parents medical bills probably put a severe drain on his finances also.  It would do him a world of good to get a few days rest and relaxation.  That may be the single best thing anyone can do for him. 

i will pray for him

pink



MistressSassy66 -> RE: Severe Depression In Subs (10/28/2006 8:39:16 PM)

First Google depression and see if he has any symptoms.
Second be there for him.
Third remember if he doesnt want help there is nothing You can do.
Fourth really try to get him to want help and do whatever it takes,from meditation to medication and anything in between.
Fifth be there for him.




Lashra -> RE: Severe Depression In Subs (10/29/2006 12:22:23 PM)

Update. After spending the weekend with him he seemed much more cheerful and positive. We talked and apparently in order to get health/life/dental insurance and prescription coverage he had to take a 800 a month salary cut. Thats a pretty big chunk of change to loose every month. He wanted to know if I thought the insurance was worth it. I said if you get sick and have to go to the hospital you bet your ass! Medical care is outrageously expensive, particulary if you need surgery.

I talked him into finding a someone to commute with to work and he is going to start working out 3 nights a week, which means his sister will have to watch his parents. He will be coming to see me once a week. So hopefully that will help his mental state. Thats as much as we can accomplish for now. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it does help.

He got a good beating this weekend lol and spent alot of time flying in subspace that seemed to really make him feel alot better. I've heard people say it can be cleansing, I didn't use to believe that but now I'm beginning to think for some people it maybe true.

~Lashra



MsKatHouston -> RE: Severe Depression In Subs (10/29/2006 12:38:04 PM)

I think it is true and I am glad you got a chance to discuss things and work some things out. 



MaleModel -> RE: Severe Depression In Subs (10/29/2006 12:57:27 PM)

Lashra, I know how much feeling you have for your sub from reading your various postings.  There seems little doubt that he is depressed, and I know from watching that symptom in my sister that a general medical practitioner is unlikely to diagnose or act on it.
 
If I were you, I would do whatever I could to have him diagnosed by a competent psychotherapist, and see if they recommend anti-depressants.   Sometimes, those meds work wonders, aside from potentially suppressing his libido.  It's great that your weekend went well, but I can only imagine how he felt going back.
 
My suggestion:  an anti-depressant + Viagra.



cloudboy -> RE: Severe Depression In Subs (10/30/2006 2:06:00 PM)

I'm sure you've exhausted most ideas about what to do, but I was thinking of your dilemma today and had one little thought about it.

Subs are most suseptible to dominant influence when in sub space, so maybe you could recondition / reprogram your sub when you have him there.

Get him into sub space and say, "there are a few things I want to discuss with you which are important to me...."

I don't know if the end results will change, but I'm sure you'll encounter less resistence and more willingness on his part when you communicate with him thusly. It might also make your problem solving more fun and punishment and discipline might prove therapeudic as opposed to engaging in a tug of war.

In the end, though, meaningful personal change will have to come from him.



MistressTheaZ -> RE: Severe Depression In Subs (10/30/2006 4:44:04 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lashra

Update. After spending the weekend with him he seemed much more cheerful and positive. We talked and apparently in order to get health/life/dental insurance and prescription coverage he had to take a 800 a month salary cut. Thats a pretty big chunk of change to loose every month. He wanted to know if I thought the insurance was worth it. I said if you get sick and have to go to the hospital you bet your ass! Medical care is outrageously expensive, particulary if you need surgery.

I talked him into finding a someone to commute with to work and he is going to start working out 3 nights a week, which means his sister will have to watch his parents. He will be coming to see me once a week. So hopefully that will help his mental state. Thats as much as we can accomplish for now. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it does help.

He got a good beating this weekend lol and spent alot of time flying in subspace that seemed to really make him feel alot better. I've heard people say it can be cleansing, I didn't use to believe that but now I'm beginning to think for some people it maybe true.

~Lashra



I'm happy to hear that you were able to discuss things with him and things appear to be moving forward once again, Lashra. Your compassion and affection for this man was evident in your original post, and undoubtedly he will benefit with your positive guidance and support through this time in his life.

I did want to write to add that perhaps there are ideas you can come up with to ease his concerns about not being able to spend time with you due to his financial constraints. I'm unsure if he is local to you, (making commuting expense his concern), but there are definitely many things one can do together that are free or low-cost. Having him come over and prepare you a delicious meal is a wonderful treat I enjoy Myself - just pick up the ingredients he'll need and send him on into the kitchen. [:D] I once spent a day with a very sweet sub burdened by similar financial worries walking around Manhattan, taking pictures. He took great care preparing them in a book with hilarious little captions and musings he had written in, and I was both touched and amused. Going to lectures at a local university, perusing the aisles at the book store, taking a walk down by the waterfront, having a movie night at home, exploring a weekend fair, refinishing furniture....think of your interests, his interests, and sift through the local papers, circulars, and magazines. There must be many places and activities you both can share that are low or no cost. Perhaps it will ease his mind a bit and help him see that visiting needn't be another worry about what he is unable to provide or do for/with you.

I also wanted to mention perhaps there is a patients' assistance program that can ease his parents' financial obligations. When medical bills begin to pile up, there are assistance programs which can cut down or space out the payments required due to hardship or mitigating circumstance. Do have him look into his options - often we aren't aware of help available until one asks and fills out all the monotonous paperwork.

I absolutely agree about the financial counseling and would doubly encourage same - he may be able to discover some ways to write off expenses, claim deductions, and use work incentives, (pretax dollars toward health care, transportation, so on), to save more money.

Brightest Blessings for you both,

~Thea




stef -> RE: Severe Depression In Subs (10/30/2006 5:15:42 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lashra

We talked and apparently in order to get health/life/dental insurance and prescription coverage he had to take a 800 a month salary cut. Thats a pretty big chunk of change to loose every month.

Yes, a little too much, perhaps.  He could have paid for insurance out of pocket for less than his monthly salary reduction.  Something still smells fishy here.

~stef



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