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RE: Please help any and all Doms! - 10/28/2006 2:21:11 PM

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

Are you BOTH interested in exploring the lifestyle? Does she specifically want to be the submissive party? Sounds to me more like shes just disinterested in cleaning the house, command or not.
If I was out working, and I had someone home all the time, I would expect the house to be clean, the laundry to be done and the fridge to be stocked.
The other question is, is your house clean but not as spotless as you would like, maybe? Are you asking her to clean to specifications that are stricter than necessary or maybe bieng harsh with your judgement that the house isnt perfectly clean?

AS everyone else said, without knowing a lot more about your dynamic, its hard to give advice. Just knowing a would be sub doesnt follow orders isnt necessarily enough to suggest how to fix it. Theres to much more to the story we are missing that any advice would be to treat the symptom not the problem.

DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to Mavis)

RE: Please help any and all Doms! - 10/28/2006 2:21:52 PM

Posts: 954
Joined: 10/9/2006
From: Fort Wayne Indiana
Status: offline

~~ fast reply ~~

My late husband and I started our relationship in a very strange way. He was 23 years older than me and was actually looking for a slave, yet he met me

. A slave I was not; in fact I knew very little about submission period; on either end of the spectrum.
He introduced me so slowly that I never even knew what was happening at first; it was done in such a way that my natural curiousity had me ASKING him to show me more and to teach me more.
As our relationship developed, it got to the point that he laid down some very strict ground rules that I WAS expected to follow, no excuses. The second time I did not follow them, he packed my bags for me and told me that I knew where the door was. At this time, I had already had our daughter.

So, I am sorry, but I agree with what LaM said here. Time to step up to the plate and put your foot down. Unless this is something that you have not even discussed with her in reality, then it's either put up or shut up.

_____________________________

Facilius Per Partes In Cognitionem Totius Adducimur
We are more easily led part by part to an understanding of the whole.
Seneca

Damnant Quod Non Intellegunt

(in reply to TxBlkMistress)

RE: Please help any and all Doms! - 10/28/2006 2:31:42 PM

Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline

(fast reply)

I went through a stage when i got very little done because i was online all day chatting and reading message boards. If this is a problem you may have to restrict internet use.

Something that might help is to ask her to clean naked or in just a thong, that makes it more exciting, and also to visualize you behind her with a whip to keep her on track. You might reward her with spankings or other sexual favors when she does a good job and punish her for not completeing her tasks. Just a few thoughts and things that work with me.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan

(in reply to Kalira)

RE: Please help any and all Doms! - 10/28/2006 2:32:09 PM

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I agree with Estring. There's always more to the story...lol. Pop psychology won't fix most real life situations. Especially when we don't know what is really going on.

(in reply to Estring)

RE: Please help any and all Doms! - 10/28/2006 4:21:59 PM

Posts: 3
Joined: 8/27/2006
Status: offline

Ok, I see I was vague. Here's the deal as I see it. We were going along in our cozy vanilla life. She began reading posts on Bondage.com as well as other sites. She approached me and asked if I'd like to learn the lifestyle and become dominant as she felt it would be wonderful to be submissive to me. Again she approached me!
In the past I usually did the cleaning, laundry and meals as it's easier than bitching about it. I have a position of authority at my job so I don't take bullshit as a rule but I'm certainly not an ogre. I'll continue to answer your questions as I remember them.
No, I don't ask for unrealistic spotless cleaning.
There are no children.
There is no disability.
No, there hasn't really been any ramifications for not doing any tasks.
No, I don't think I'll sit on my ass while beer is served and my dick is sucked.
During the normal course of events the following is how a weekday transpires.
Get up, get my breakfast and go to work.
Call my wife at lunch to see how her days going.
Come home at the end of the day and make my dinner.
Take garbage out and do anything that needs completed outside.
Come in and make my lunch for tomorrow.
Weekend example: Got up at 5:00 AM Today I had off work. I washed, dried, folded and put away all laundry. Scrubbed bathroom and cleaned kitchen. Ran to grocery store. Made Dinner.
Her: Up at 10:00 AM. Read replys and posted on different forums and sites until 4:30 PM. Went in and took a nap. Napping now.
With all due respect, I hardly think I ask for unattainable results.
I was fine with the way life was, but, when I'm solicited to change and am able to see advantages as well as a way to spend more time together I feel I'm within my rights to ask for something in return.
If anyone feels I left anything out, please ask and I'll try to answer.
Thank you

(in reply to wnts2cum)

RE: Please help any and all Doms! - 10/28/2006 4:25:29 PM

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Joined: 6/22/2004
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Don't knock it till you've tried it.

quote:

ORIGINAL: wnts2cum

No, I don't think I'll sit on my ass while beer is served and my dick is sucked.

(in reply to wnts2cum)

RE: Please help any and all Doms! - 10/28/2006 4:49:33 PM

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster

Don't knock it till you've tried it.

quote:

ORIGINAL: wnts2cum

No, I don't think I'll sit on my ass while beer is served and my dick is sucked.

well I hate beer.. in fact I don't drink alcohol.... but.... I do enjoy sitting back and enjoy a nice blow job as um try to do something... damn... you know... I always forget what I was doing when the do that blowjob think. It is rather distracting.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to Lordandmaster)

RE: Please help any and all Doms! - 10/28/2006 5:16:43 PM

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Joined: 7/23/2005
Status: offline

It just appears that you need to work on your marriage....both of you. If that is what you wish to do, and you are both not happy. BDSM is not a fix for relationship problems. Plain and simple.

(in reply to KnightofMists)

RE: Please help any and all Doms! - 10/28/2006 5:26:22 PM

Posts: 322
Joined: 7/23/2005
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Opps the previous post was in reply to wnts2cum. I need to get better at replying to the OP instead of just blindly hitting post. But I think everyone knew who I was posting to anyway...at least one would hope.

(in reply to texancutie)

RE: Please help any and all Doms! - 10/28/2006 5:34:32 PM

TemptingNviceSub

Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: wnts2cum

Ok, I see I was vague. Here's the deal as I see it. We were going along in our cozy vanilla life. She began reading posts on Bondage.com as well as other sites. She approached me and asked if I'd like to learn the lifestyle and become dominant as she felt it would be wonderful to be submissive to me. Again she approached me!
In the past I usually did the cleaning, laundry and meals as it's easier than bitching about it. I have a position of authority at my job so I don't take bullshit as a rule but I'm certainly not an ogre. I'll continue to answer your questions as I remember them.
No, I don't ask for unrealistic spotless cleaning.
There are no children.
There is no disability.
No, there hasn't really been any ramifications for not doing any tasks.
No, I don't think I'll sit on my ass while beer is served and my dick is sucked.
During the normal course of events the following is how a weekday transpires.
Get up, get my breakfast and go to work.
Call my wife at lunch to see how her days going.
Come home at the end of the day and make my dinner.
Take garbage out and do anything that needs completed outside.
Come in and make my lunch for tomorrow.
Weekend example: Got up at 5:00 AM Today I had off work. I washed, dried, folded and put away all laundry. Scrubbed bathroom and cleaned kitchen. Ran to grocery store. Made Dinner.
Her: Up at 10:00 AM. Read replys and posted on different forums and sites until 4:30 PM. Went in and took a nap. Napping now.
With all due respect, I hardly think I ask for unattainable results.
I was fine with the way life was, but, when I'm solicited to change and am able to see advantages as well as a way to spend more time together I feel I'm within my rights to ask for something in return.
If anyone feels I left anything out, please ask and I'll try to answer.
Thank you

In a word...consquences ....I am thinking she wants the structure, she wants the discipline..but you have not followed through,,so it went back to the same o same o...it is not about you giving the orders and then she simply does it..you both need to communicate both your ideas of what this D/s entails and both follow through with your end of things..IMO she wants a strong man not to take her crap and to get her in line....so do it!...sleep til 1000? egads !then on line all day?...humm... how many Dominants would put up with that unless sub was ill?..am thinking a lot would tip her tush out of bed and disconnect computer until she got in line...Tempting

(in reply to wnts2cum)

RE: Please help any and all Doms! - 10/28/2006 5:34:35 PM

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

Check and see what it is she considers being "submissive" to you. With what she has been reading, are you sure she isnt just thinking about bedroom submission? There are a lot of times when someone thinks it would be lovely to get into submission where their ideas dont branch into lifestyle, but just sexual. Maybe she doesnt WANT to be a slave, she doesnt want to change things around the house and she is hapy to alow you to do everything. However, in the bedroom she wants you to dominate her. Maybe?

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to texancutie)

RE: Please help any and all Doms! - 10/28/2006 6:18:09 PM

Posts: 954
Joined: 10/9/2006
From: Fort Wayne Indiana
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: texancutie

It just appears that you need to work on your marriage....both of you. If that is what you wish to do, and you are both not happy. BDSM is not a fix for relationship problems. Plain and simple.

I agree with this wholeheartedly.

_____________________________

Facilius Per Partes In Cognitionem Totius Adducimur
We are more easily led part by part to an understanding of the whole.
Seneca

Damnant Quod Non Intellegunt

(in reply to texancutie)

RE: Please help any and all Doms! - 10/28/2006 6:20:47 PM

Posts: 3
Joined: 8/27/2006
Status: offline

Texan,
We actualy have a pretty good marriage. We have fun together and we do see a lot of things the same way. This house thing is really the only thing that's been a stumbling block.
Everyone else,
Thanks, I just finished getting a few things straight between us ( pun intended)
Now, I had to actually bind her hands and get the flogger I made but, alas, she got the message. I think things are much clearer now. We talked a lot as well as a nice flogging to help it sink in. I'll keep you posted in the future and once again, Thank you everyone.

(in reply to wnts2cum)

RE: Please help any and all Doms! - 10/28/2006 6:27:26 PM

Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline

quote:

Weekend example: Got up at 5:00 AM Today I had off work. I washed, dried, folded and put away all laundry. Scrubbed bathroom and cleaned kitchen. Ran to grocery store. Made Dinner.
Her: Up at 10:00 AM. Read replys and posted on different forums and sites until 4:30 PM. Went in and took a nap. Napping now.

Who's the submissive here? You might ask her how much time she spends online while you are at work. Like i mentioned previously, i speak from experience here.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan

(in reply to wnts2cum)

RE: Please help any and all Doms! - 10/28/2006 8:11:42 PM

Posts: 1252
Joined: 5/26/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: wnts2cum

Texan,
We actualy have a pretty good marriage. We have fun together and we do see a lot of things the same way. This house thing is really the only thing that's been a stumbling block.
Everyone else,
Thanks, I just finished getting a few things straight between us ( pun intended)
Now, I had to actually bind her hands and get the flogger I made but, alas, she got the message. I think things are much clearer now. We talked a lot as well as a nice flogging to help it sink in. I'll keep you posted in the future and once again, Thank you everyone.

I hope things work out for the 2 of you. Sounds like you've made a good start!

(in reply to wnts2cum)

RE: Please help any and all Doms! - 10/29/2006 1:43:57 AM

diamonddreamlove

Posts: 770
Joined: 5/19/2006
Status: offline

My vanilla husband was only interested in this life if he was my dom. In short to keep me from having another in my life. He did not have the ability to be my Dom. Perhaps he would have been a good Dom to another, however as my husband well quite simply i would not obey him! The reasons were many but mostly because i liked being totally spoiled and enjoyed being a pampered wife. I also love serving my Dom. Hubby used to complain that if he and my Dom gave the same order i would not do it unless the Dom had already told me to. Was a real bite in the butt when a Dom Friend suggested that he have my Dom order me to follow his orders as if they were my Doms orders. Have to admit i had plenty to say under my breath but was not unwise enough to say it loud enough to be over heard by the one who would tell the One who knew how to use the flogger.

_____________________________

"Many attempts to communicate are nullified by saying too much." Robert Greenleaf

(in reply to TxBlkMistress)

RE: Please help any and all Doms! - 10/29/2006 7:36:19 AM

Posts: 1121
Joined: 6/16/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mavis

she might just not have clearly defined goals for her day.. "clean the house" to a perfectionist is pretty close to " give up, no way can it all be accomplished today". Some of the worst housekeepers are actually perfectionists who just cannot start a project unless they can see it being done perfectly, today, so why not wait til tomorrow when i can paint the hall...

ROFLMFAO!! Mavis, you genius! I just about dropped my jaw on the floor. You have described me to a tee right there. I despise clutter, but we have so much 'stuff' that I couldn't actually get this apartment clean if I knocked myself out trying. Drives me absolutely nutty.

I swear, all I need is a stick or two of dynomite...

zuma (still laughing!)

(in reply to Mavis)

RE: Please help any and all Doms! - 10/29/2006 12:26:06 PM

Mavis

Posts: 828
Joined: 2/8/2004
Status: offline

lol zumala. i know the feeling. Honestly, that flylady link is very good. it's so simple, but little reminders throughout the day to "drop what you're doing now and take 10 mins to go grab 10 things in the living room you can throw away".. wow. it really helped me with priorities, and i got rid of stupid crud like 3/4 burned candles that were just ugly, to magazines or newspapers. It's a very slow conditioning program that breaks things down to give us the "completed tasks" feeling we don't get with housekeeping, you know, it's never done.

To the OP.. she might be going thru a little bit of fantasy time with her napping and so on. It sounds like You have a good handle on kick-starting her though! i hope Y/you guys work it. i really hope she can learn to serve "the dom on the couch" .. Y/you've already got trust and love in Y/your favor.

(edited to clarify: "dom on the couch" is NOt to imply You're on the couch, ie lazy. it's meant to refer to "SEE the Dom in the man you have.. it's probably what attracted you to him in the first place." )

< Message edited by Mavis -- 10/29/2006 12:28:06 PM >

(in reply to zumala)

RE: Please help any and all Doms! - 10/30/2006 3:03:08 AM

ChaOz

Posts: 98
Joined: 10/11/2006
Status: offline

Seems like she wants the Dom/sub lifestyle for the adventure, romance, hot sex. Pushing a vacuum around aint it. You goto teach her to enjoy servitude and show her the reality of being a slave. So punish her. Take her to a local dungeon and have some professionals show you how punishments should be done, they can teach you how to use the toys as well as how you should behaviour. Then leave her in the house the next day tied up so she can only crawl and tell her the place better be clean by the time you get home. Destroy the TV. Problem is she see's you as the husband shes gotten used to, not a Dom. I wouldnt suggest getting her another Dom, just be the Dom. Just coz your the Dom doesnt mean she will suddenly follow you like some magic switch went off, you need to condition her to behave and train her.

< Message edited by ChaOz -- 10/30/2006 3:09:23 AM >

(in reply to Mavis)

RE: Please help any and all Doms! - 10/30/2006 6:47:40 AM

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: wnts2cum
Ok, I see I was vague. Here's the deal as I see it. We were going along in our cozy vanilla life. She began reading posts on Bondage.com as well as other sites. She approached me and asked if I'd like to learn the lifestyle and become dominant as she felt it would be wonderful to be submissive to me. Again she approached me! In the past I usually did the cleaning, laundry and meals as it's easier than bitching about it. I have a position of authority at my job so I don't take bullshit as a rule but I'm certainly not an ogre. I'll continue to answer your questions as I remember them. No, I don't ask for unrealistic spotless cleaning. There are no children.There is no disability.
No, there hasn't really been any ramifications for not doing any tasks.No, I don't think I'll sit on my ass while beer is served and my dick is sucked. During the normal course of events the following is how a weekday transpires.
Get up, get my breakfast and go to work. Call my wife at lunch to see how her days going. Come home at the end of the day and make my dinner. Take garbage out and do anything that needs completed outside. Come in and make my lunch for tomorrow. Weekend example: Got up at 5:00 AM Today I had off work. I washed, dried, folded and put away all laundry. Scrubbed bathroom and cleaned kitchen. Ran to grocery store. Made Dinner.
Her: Up at 10:00 AM. Read replies and posted on different forums and sites until 4:30 PM. Went in and took a nap. Napping now. With all due respect, I hardly think I ask for unattainable results. I was fine with the way life was, but, when I'm solicited to change and am able to see advantages as well as a way to spend more time together I feel I'm within my rights to ask for something in return. If anyone feels I left anything out, please ask and I'll try to answer. Thank you

wnts 2,
This seems obvious to me. Your profile is gone, but everything from the name you picked to the above description of your day, screams you are a submissive. If you switched labels, my guess is that your wife would be comfortable in her role as much as you are comfortable in yours. Then chastity isn't a nuisance it's a function of your wife/mistress' domination. You wouldn't worry about your "rights". It would be out of your hands.

As you describe, you are already submissive. Come out of the closet and enjoy!

Edited to add:

PS - Regarding the beer/blow job analogy. Dommes that we know say they also enjoy oral favors while watching the Lifetime channel, WNBA, or Oprah sipping on a chilled glass of Chardonnay.

< Message edited by Mercnbeth -- 10/30/2006 6:51:02 AM >

(in reply to wnts2cum)

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