Testing

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MistressYlwa -> Testing (11/1/2006 11:24:32 AM)
A comment was made in one of the posts about testing. Stating this reflected a weakness or insecurity of a Dom/me. I have no opinion on this situation. My question is the "testing" of a potential. With the number of players that many have found, is there not a place for it in this instance? I have not, up to now, done this. But after talking with a few dommes who do, am seriously considering it. What do you think? Love to hear the pros and cons on this idea. Mistress Ylwa

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Testing (11/1/2006 11:27:24 AM)
I think testing is just a short cut way for people to try and make the "getting to know you" process easier and shows their insecurity with the process. There is no short cut for getting to know someone and whether they will make for a good long term relationship- time and experience together will show more than any contrived test could.

BitaTruble -> RE: Testing (11/1/2006 11:30:28 AM)
Personally, I don't test... anymore. ::chuckles: When I first jumped in to the leather vats, I had a 'oh yeah, prove it' sorta attitude. These days, I feel I've grown beyond that and I take the time to really get to know someone first so testing is not a requirement. People no longer need to 'prove it' to me.. they just need to show it in word and deed. This has more to do with what I want from 'me' and the behavior and attitude I expect from myself than a burden I will place on someone else. ::insert Sinergy's saying here:: Celeste

Sinergy -> RE: Testing (11/1/2006 11:37:31 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BitaTruble Personally, I don't test... anymore. ::chuckles: When I first jumped in to the leather vats, I had a 'oh yeah, prove it' sorta attitude. These days, I feel I've grown beyond that and I take the time to really get to know someone first so testing is not a requirement. People no longer need to 'prove it' to me.. they just need to show it in word and deed. This has more to do with what I want from 'me' and the behavior and attitude I expect from myself than a burden I will place on someone else. ::insert Sinergy's saying here:: Celeste Hello A/all, I do not use any sort of contrived test, nor do I use any sort of kink checklist. But I imagine that most interactions are a test on some level. I need to learn how this person deals with life, issues, problems, upsets, happiness, etc. And I tend to consider when I am first meeting them that she is testing me in the same way. It takes months to build a relationship, and seconds to destroy it. I know any number of people who start off destroying it, and then wonder why it is so difficult to build a relationship. ::steals back my saying:: Jm, cbw, btyg. Sinergy

Aine -> RE: Testing (11/1/2006 11:49:50 AM)
Aren't we tested enough in life in general than to have someone "testing" us as potentials?! Use that which you see as that person's personal life trials and tribulations and how they deal with them to temper what your opinion is on their supposed "worth".

toservez -> RE: Testing (11/1/2006 12:23:22 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross I think testing is just a short cut way for people to try and make the "getting to know you" process easier and shows their insecurity with the process. There is no short cut for getting to know someone and whether they will make for a good long term relationship- time and experience together will show more than any contrived test could. I could not possibly agree more to this. It has been my experience that way too many people are looking for shortcuts in all areas in finding these relationships and the more insecure, lazy and impatient seem to implore tests as a method to speed up and control the process. In my search there were plenty of people of all types who tried to dictate how things would go on total arbritary actions that were never based on actually two people getting to know each other and that just takes time. Now we are always testing people naturally. We often ask the same question multiple times in multiple ways in all the mediums and other things in similar vain, but it always stunned me when people wrote me without ever knowing me outside a profile and one or two messages thought that making demands to prove myself to them was a way to build a relationship. It always came off as one way insecure superiority attitude. In this life you get what you give. A person wants trust and respect they must give trust and respect.

crouchingtigress -> RE: Testing (11/1/2006 12:41:57 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SinergyBut I imagine that most interactions are a test on some level. that sums it up for me too.[;)]

raiken -> RE: Testing (11/1/2006 12:44:57 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross I think testing is just a short cut way for people to try and make the "getting to know you" process easier and shows their insecurity with the process. There is no short cut for getting to know someone and whether they will make for a good long term relationship- time and experience together will show more than any contrived test could. To add to this, i have found that some who do opt for "testing" are often those who are more desperate than not, and so they're in a rush (looking for a shortcut) for the next relationship to fill their void. Trampling over the daily little things about a person to rush to the bigger picture is what may often destroy an otherwise potential relationship. Time is needed to build a foundation and it is often the many little things (rather than the grand scheme) that serve to cement a solid foundation, and those little things that were skipped over and not examined are the very things that often turn into gaping cracks in the foundaton over time.

juliaoceania -> RE: Testing (11/1/2006 12:47:25 PM)
quote: I do not use any sort of contrived test, nor do I use any sort of kink checklist. But I imagine that most interactions are a test on some level. I need to learn how this person deals with life, issues, problems, upsets, happiness, etc. And I tend to consider when I am first meeting them that she is testing me in the same way. Yes we do all test in little ways. We question people, quiz them, see if their responses are consistent with what they have said in the past. Sometimes a man will not call and see how a female responds, or a woman will stay away from her phone to see how a man reacts. It is not a bad thing, it is what people do as they are getting to know each other. I do not even see this as game playing, it is gauging people to see what they are made of and how they deal with things. I would say it is rather healthy in the beginning to keep good boundaries and not rush headlong into things.. testing the waters is not bad. It goes over the line when people create fake profiles to "test" how true someone is on a site like this, or having their friend come on to their new boyfriend, or some other form of psychotic behavior that bespeaks deepseated distrust issues...I have heard of people doing these things, especially in new relationships, and I have to shake my head and wonder about it. I tend to approach it with the attitude that people will tell you who they are if you will only listen. I listen for inconsistencies in stories, timelines, in things that happened in past relationships. I listen for things like always blaming others for problems that they have, never accepting responsibility for their own life and these types of issues. I also pay close attention to how they treat others. This requires time, effort, and investment increasingly as one builds a relationship. There are no shortcuts to building trust, life tests us enough. If one is in a relationship where they feel they need to test the veracity of someone they either are a rotten picker and have a lemon, or they are paranoid and need to deal with themselves.

jesskitty -> RE: Testing (11/1/2006 12:48:02 PM)
when i hear testing it brings up negative connotations in my mind. i had someone i was talking to unknowingly test me by being extremly rude and difficult only to tell me they were pushing my buttons and calling me a liar to see if i would back down from what i said which i didn't. i feel like testing such as this is pretty ridiculous and surely did turn me straight off from that guy.

agirl -> RE: Testing (11/1/2006 1:08:17 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MistressYlwa A comment was made in one of the posts about testing. Stating this reflected a weakness or insecurity of a Dom/me. I have no opinion on this situation. My question is the "testing" of a potential. With the number of players that many have found, is there not a place for it in this instance? I have not, up to now, done this. But after talking with a few dommes who do, am seriously considering it. What do you think? Love to hear the pros and cons on this idea. Mistress Ylwa What is this testing you speak of?....What form does it take? My mind is busy boggling.... agirl

BitaTruble -> RE: Testing (11/1/2006 1:13:58 PM)
Agirl, I read that to be along the lines of a submissive who disobey's to see if their dominant will actually behave as they feel a dominant should or a dominant who will set up a submissive to see how they react to stress or under pressure so as to 'prove' they are what they say they are. Celeste

shadevarr -> RE: Testing (11/1/2006 6:13:07 PM)
Tests are for school, not for love. Do what you do and if they don't like it, they can leave. Reminds me of the chorus from Enigma's Principles of Lust "Do what you want, and do it until you find...Love"

CrappyDom -> RE: Testing (11/1/2006 6:17:50 PM)
If you are speaking of "testing" in a relationship sense, it IS about insecurity, it is the same as pushing people away to see if they will stay. It takes many forms but they all suck and are destructive to genuine intimacy.

MagiksSlave -> RE: Testing (11/1/2006 6:23:14 PM)
All you really have to do to see weather or not testing is something that you should ever do is think, "Would I care for a sub that tested me" if the answer is yes then you can test subs with a clear conscience but if the answer is no then maybe it isnt the way to go. By the way i think that testing people shows a weekness and an inability to trust and more often then not ruins what ever realtionship was there. just me, could be wrong, but there you go (grins Michiviousley at Sinergy) Magik's slave

TemptingNviceSub -> RE: Testing (11/1/2006 6:30:51 PM)
Testing........1...2...3.....poof....there goes the relationship.....NEXT!.....Tempting

MistressYlwa -> RE: Testing (11/1/2006 11:09:43 PM)
Thought I was clear in my question. But seems I was not. While spammers are easy to spot, many times we end up investing in a potential partner, only to have them disappear or drag things out without any intention of commiting. My question is if, after some time passes and you are questioning the potentials commitment, it is unreasonable to "test" them. Hope this clears up any confusion. Mistress Ylwa

Dnomyar -> RE: Testing (11/2/2006 6:15:10 AM)
If a woman played phone games with me one day she would call and find another woman answering it. You find out about a person thru questioning and communication. Testing is for someone who is to immature to be in a relationship.

Aine -> RE: Testing (11/2/2006 6:28:40 AM)
I don't think you were unclear at all. I think we all understood the question and answered acoordingly to our own opinions.

toservez -> RE: Testing (11/2/2006 6:41:45 AM)
Reading this thread as it has gone along the thought that popped into my head was that the difference of a natural test to an arbitrary test. To me natural tests are inevitable and to say none of us do them would be dubious. I would put those as asking the same questions over and over and/or looking for contradictions in what a person tells you, wanting to be introduced to the other's friends and family and things like that. To me arbitrary test are artificial tests designed to force a desired result and/or done in an underhanded way to feed one's insecurity. To me these are things like getting someone else to hit on the other, make demands like phone after first message, meet within a week, make a person take down their profile after some amount of phone calls and things like that. Now personally I think asking to talk on the phone and meeting for the most part are natural tests. Wanting to know the person is who they say they are and that they are serious about forming a relationship to me is quite natural. On the otherhand to set up demands upfront without consideration for the other persons feelings or using the are you real and serious as a way to try to push the relationship to where you want it can very often step into the artificial test area. To me there is quite a difference in expressing wanting to go to the phone or meet in a time frame and getting an agreement with the person or making a demand based on what works best for you.

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