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RE: Too Polite? - 11/6/2006 9:23:25 AM

MsKatHouston

Posts: 1909
Joined: 6/7/2006
From: Houston, TX
Status: offline

My manner of dominance is also polite. I say please and thank you and rarely raise my voice. This is also something I tell potential submissives pretty early on, in case they have missed it through normal conversation. I do not play in to the bitch role. I can be and am forceful but I prefer to do it with a bit of a softer edge. Plus, I find the power of a look or a gesture can be a lot more effective than a screaming banshee.

Now, as far as you being a pro domme...well I think there is something to be said about the market. If you are both pro and lifestyle, perhaps that is your special way of distinguising your property from your clients. You can do whatever you want to and as you earn a reputation, you will likely be just fine. But if you are starting out and are finding that more people want the stern bitchy type, you need to make a decision whether or not you want to play into that. My personal opinion is to do what is natural to you. I think that will cause you less burnout and be more enjoyable to you.

I have also come across this and for those submissives who have to have that type of personality to submit, they are obviously not a good match for me. Good luck.

_____________________________

-Kat

~If you can't be a good example, you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning~

(in reply to toservez)

Post #: 21

RE: Too Polite? - 11/6/2006 9:54:01 AM

happypervert

Posts: 2203
Joined: 5/11/2004
From: Scranton, PA
Status: offline

quote:

wow you are good...want a job in hawaii???

heh -- sure! Even if the pay ain't great, I'll bet the benefits are outstanding!

_____________________________

"Get a bicycle. You will not regret it if you live." . . . Mark Twain

(in reply to crouchingtigress)

Post #: 22

RE: Too Polite? - 11/6/2006 12:04:23 PM

Sinergy

Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MsKatHouston

My manner of dominance is also polite. I say please and thank you and rarely raise my voice. This is also something I tell potential submissives pretty early on, in case they have missed it through normal conversation. I do not play in to the bitch role. I can be and am forceful but I prefer to do it with a bit of a softer edge. Plus, I find the power of a look or a gesture can be a lot more effective than a screaming banshee.

Hello A/all,

I tend to follow a fairly simply precept in life. I am going to treat other people the way I would like them to treat me.

I once told a longshore co-worker about my being mean to people and getting kicked in the head job, and he looked at me rather shocked and said "I cannot imagine you being mean or rude to anybody."

I responded that I dont take my work home with me.

Just me, could be wrong, but there you go.

Sinergy

_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle

(in reply to MsKatHouston)

Post #: 23

RE: Too Polite? - 11/6/2006 12:24:37 PM

jdtallfem

Posts: 180
Joined: 10/8/2006
Status: offline

As a pro I did feel I was a performance artist so I usually did what the subs liked. If they wanted bitchy I gave them bitchy, but during the interviews I was my normal self, rather polite.
As a lifestyle, I use a quiet, controlled, sometimes playful dominance.
You really do have to cater to subs to some degree, though, while still utilizing your own style, if you want repeat business.

(in reply to Sinergy)

Post #: 24

RE: Too Polite? - 11/6/2006 1:55:43 PM

Bbare45

Posts: 26
Joined: 5/13/2005
Status: offline

I too have found that being a gentleman gives people the impression that I'm weak or even submissive. Those that have bucked up against my hard background (one earlier posted called it a wall) they have found this bear can bite.
It is rather frustrating to have to try and convince someone of my dominant persona all the while showing the manners I was raised with.

I

_____________________________

*You WHAT? ... Somewhere there's a village missing it's idiot* - unknown

Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were in congress, but I repeat myself - Mark Twain.

(in reply to jdtallfem)

Post #: 25

RE: Too Polite? - 11/6/2006 2:16:38 PM

sirdontre

Posts: 55
Joined: 3/10/2004
From: http://www.yahoo.groups.com/group/TTFK
Status: offline

Many that meet me see me as very polite yet are aware of my bite as well .I having been taught under the wings of many elders from the old school leather and in that I was taught European Victorian Disciple .So being the kind gentleman that I am ,I have found that many tend to step on my toes as if they see me as a very unstrong man ;until the kindness turn to true bastard mode yet in a very polite way .I have been told that many say to becareful of me and not to cross my path wrong -but I still handle myself with Politeness .
I have been taught thru the years that Being a Dominate is not a bout the bite the bit it's how well one master's thier behavior .

_____________________________

No human is worth any human value if that human can not realize own self worth .One must observe one's value as a person .Seek from experience and grow wise as the key opening the path way to Self Worth .
Written by LEDONVITO III

(in reply to toservez)

Post #: 26

RE: Too Polite? - 11/6/2006 2:22:29 PM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sirdontre
I have been taught thru the years that Being a Dominate is not a bout the bite the bit it's how well one master's thier behavior .

My feelings exactly.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to sirdontre)

Post #: 27

RE: Too Polite? - 11/6/2006 4:45:25 PM

CerebralDomHfx

Posts: 7
Joined: 10/7/2006
From: Halifax
Status: offline

I'm glad others have run into the same problem, I wasn't sure if I was the only one..

I agree with LuckyAlbatross' comment about these types of people self-select themselves out of compatibility with you. Anyone who can't grasp the concept of being polite upfront won't be able to hold my interest for long anyway.

I also like toservez's comment's about how some 'dom/mes' seem to be too worried about pleasing the sub. I agree that's not very dom of them. However, you can be polite and firm at the same time, but I do think it's rare - I think those of us who are able to do this get lumped in with those who don't have the balance just right.

I think the best way to put it is this; If I can't connect with someone as a person, then I'm not interested in them as a sextoy. When I'm evaluating someone, I do so person-to-person, and I always believe in being polite, and treating someone properly from the start. The M/s relationship hasn't started yet, I'm interested in seeing what this person is like before they let my personality overshadow theirs.

(in reply to toservez)

Post #: 28

RE: Too Polite? - 11/6/2006 4:54:03 PM

SirLordTrainer

Posts: 820
Joined: 5/6/2004
From: Indy
Status: offline

Just be you. Your skill and knowledge as well those youve 'used' it on will speak for you for those in doubt..

_____________________________

Accepting one's own imperfections eliminates a roadblock to progress.

(in reply to MstrssScarlet)

Post #: 29

RE: Too Polite? - 11/6/2006 5:54:09 PM

subfever

Posts: 2895
Joined: 5/22/2004
Status: offline

This is an interesting thread, as I've been in recent communications with a ProDomme, and have given this very topic some thought.

I believe that attitude and demeanor of the Pros are very important as prospects work through their selection processes, since they have preconceived ideas insofar as what constitutes their ideals. And when prospects are willing to spend money, they tend to place themselves into positions of expecting to obtain as close to their ideals as possible.

For these reasons, you're not going to convert 100% of your prospects into clients, regardless of your technique. Astute business people know that they can't be all things to all people, and learn to develop a target market that works for them.

Of course, we all know that it's always easier to be yourself than it is to role-play.

That being said, if you're already pleased with your volume, you will probably want to just leave things as they are; and perhaps just let your prospects know that you're tougher in scene situations than you are in non-scene situations.

If you're not pleased with your volume, then you may need to modify your non-scene behavior towards a tougher image.

I personally believe that there are fewer prospects out there who are looking for the proverbial nice Domme with a heart-of-gold, than there are prospects looking for Dommes who take some charge of things from the beginning.

Please note that I didn't suggest becoming a raving lunatic bitch, nor did I suggest attempting an instant power exchange from the get-go...

These prospects might very well be inclined to marry a nice Domme with a heart-of-gold, but with a Pro, I think the objective for most prospects is to get as many kinks and fantasies fulfilled in the shortest period of time possible.

(in reply to MstrssScarlet)

Post #: 30

RE: Too Polite? - 11/6/2006 6:25:32 PM

TemptingNviceSub

Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline

IMO...a quiet air of confidence and politness goes a lot further than being a cold hearted bitch/bastard, and also a personal preference.And any slight smile on a face of quiet confidence can definitely inspire any sub to wonder just what exactly that smile means and what is that glint in your eye as well!..not only would such send shivers down my spine but it would definitely have me nervously wondering in quiet anticipation....

...Tempting

(in reply to toservez)

Post #: 31

RE: Too Polite? - 11/6/2006 8:15:15 PM

MstrssScarlet

Posts: 633
Joined: 6/3/2005
From: Indianapolis, Indiana
Status: offline

I appreciate everyone's advice. Some very interesting points in the posts.

There is a distinct andvantage to being kind and polite while interviewing clients. When they're comfortable, they talk more and expose things I can use later in the dungeon. Sometimes they don't even realize they're doing it. I just happen to be a good listener.

Even once we're in the dungeon and I take control, I do it quietly and with a smile on my face. People who know me well and have seen me play seem to rather enjoy this. A lot of them tell me I get a special glint in my eye. The sub/slave is thrown off balance because I still look like the person they came into the dungeon with, but I'm certainly not acting like it. I never scream or yell - it's just not necessary. And yes, when you have a smile on your face it does make them wonder exactly what you're thinking. Especially if you're holding their most prized possession in your hand and are beginning to squeeze very tightly. LOL

I don't actually consider good manners a problem. It's just the way I am and I don't really intend to change it. It was how I was taught and I respected my mentor greatly for it. Eventually word gets around and people know what to expect. I'm patient. I would much rather have both my clients and personal submissives/slaves respect me for treating them with courtesy. I am also fully aware that when I take the role of pro domme, I am essentially being topped from the bottom. The trick I suppose is to allow it while still imparting the sensation that I am the one in power.

I was just wondering how many other people had this happen to them and how they dealt with it. I had to laugh at some of the comments that were made because I could see myself doing or saying exactly the same thing.

Mistress Scarlet

_____________________________

"Say, that hurts a little bit" "And you don't like to be hurt do ya?" "I don't know...kinda fun sometimes if it's done in the right spirit."
Jean Harlow in The Beast of the City

(in reply to TemptingNviceSub)

Post #: 32

RE: Too Polite? - 11/7/2006 4:09:16 PM

MstrssScarlet

Posts: 633
Joined: 6/3/2005
From: Indianapolis, Indiana
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MstrssScarlet

In my opinion, there's only one place to be the "bitch" and that's in the dungeon. Has anyone else come across this problem?

My bad. I actually did post this as a problem. Need to be more careful in my wording I guess. Thanks again for the feedback.
Mistress Scarlet

_____________________________

"Say, that hurts a little bit" "And you don't like to be hurt do ya?" "I don't know...kinda fun sometimes if it's done in the right spirit."
Jean Harlow in The Beast of the City

(in reply to MstrssScarlet)

Post #: 33

RE: Too Polite? - 11/7/2006 4:12:38 PM

Sinergy

Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Bbare45

It is rather frustrating to have to try and convince someone of my dominant persona all the while showing the manners I was raised with.

While I agree with the other things that you stated, Bbare45, for me I go on the basic idea that I am not going to invest any of my emotions or desires in whether this person considers me a dominant person, a complete goofball, or even a different species.

I just smile and nod and talk about something else.

Just me, could be wrong, etc.

Sinergy

_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle

(in reply to Bbare45)

Post #: 34

RE: Too Polite? - 11/7/2006 4:14:13 PM

Sinergy

Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline

Hello A/all,

I saw a bumper sticker once that was similar to your signature line.

It read:

"Somewhere in Texas, a village is missing it's idiot."

I saw another one that said:

"Your village called, they want their idiot back."

Sinergy

_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle

(in reply to Bbare45)

Post #: 35

RE: Too Polite? - 11/7/2006 6:58:50 PM

xxblushesxx

Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline

Good question! The Doms I have been attracted to have certain qualities in common...

They are intelligent, well-spoken, funny, and polite. Being polite imo, only shows decent manners and up-bringing. If you have to prove you're dominant by treating others as 'less than' chances are you're not.

That being said, the few times I have 'played' domme... I do behave differently...I become very still, my words are deliberate, if not curt. I am haughty, and expectant. Then again, those are during play times anyway, so...doesn't really apply to everyday life.

Yes, you should always play to your 'audience', but if you can find a way to blend it more with who you really are, it will probably be more realistic to your clients, and more satisfying both for you and them.

Have fun!

~Christina

(in reply to Sinergy)

Post #: 36

RE: Too Polite? - 11/7/2006 7:14:06 PM

desertdommeAZ

Posts: 1
Joined: 10/28/2006
Status: offline

I agree that the dungeon is the place for politeness to end.
I have also had others tell me i was to polite and nice during interviews
I just dont let it bug me as there is a time and place for everything.

(in reply to MstrssScarlet)

Post #: 37

RE: Too Polite? - 11/9/2006 7:02:29 AM

Jaap

Posts: 2
Joined: 1/24/2006
Status: offline

I have found the term DaddyDom to be very appropriate for my ' style' as a Dominant. I am not a cruel, hard selfish severe Dominant, but I love my sub dearly and want to see to her being well protected, feeling safe, loved. So she hands all responsabilities for her acts to me. She surrenders to me because I take care of her. She also likes the whip, bondage (makes her feel secure), blindfold, clamps and vibrating toys also, so that can be part of our play, in which she feels being a child somewhere between 8 and 18, depending on her and my mood. In that state of mind she likes to play with ' children toys' also, me in the background looking after her en deciding what she can play with. This all is is caring loving environment for the both of us.

(in reply to toservez)

Post #: 38

RE: Too Polite? - 11/9/2006 7:15:14 AM

JohnSteed1967

Posts: 304
Joined: 5/29/2005
From: Columbia SC
Status: offline

Here's the thing:

I was raised by my very soon to be 100 year old grandmother to say Yes Sir, No Sir, Yes Ma'am, No Ma'am. To Hold Doors open for people. I have said it before and I will say it again, I am the last of the real southern gentleman. No this doesn't mean I am perfect, nor does it mean that I am a reject from a Tennesse Williams Story or even a William Faulkner Story.

And Heavens NO I know nothing about Pat Conroy and think he should be run out of the south on a rail.

I was a small child tying up little girls on the playground, playing kidnap, always wanted to be around the teenage girls because they had boobs. I was very intrested in the old Detective magazines that showed women bound and being threatened.

I am a Dom, but I am a Gentleman. I am not some crazy sadist that gets off on seeing others in pain. But I believe there is a lot of pleasure in pain.

I lost one sub because she told me she wanted a southern gentleman, so I played the SG to the hilt. Come to find out she wanted a sadist :(

(in reply to Jaap)

Post #: 39

RE: Too Polite? - 11/9/2006 8:30:55 AM

LordODiscipline

Posts: 995
Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline

There is a certain demeanor stereotypically associated with pro-dommes... that is callous, uncaring (superficially), cold and demanding...

It is something that has been a "stock in trade" for centuries, as many people seek discipline and punishment for their fetish satisfaction...

It is something often sought - and, if you desire to find some regular clientele you may desire to emulate/role play for (and, only for) those people who are seeking it.

If you were not taking this out to parlay for pay, then I would tell you to "just be yourself" - and still, in this instance - it is a good recommendation - but, in the realm of business, there has to be a delivery of the requisites that a client desires to the extent possible in order that you meet with their need and satisfy their belief in "worth".

Does this mean YOU (personally) require a change of personality? NO.
Do you HAVE TO do this? NO
Is this something you should emulate and incorporate into your life as a personality trait? Oh, for the sake of all that is holy - no...

There are far too many people who have gone professional who have adopted this as a personality trait in an effort to meet the stereotype and to maintain clientele... their demeanor alienates them from many social gatherings and from leathern in general with the exception of "hangers on" -

Of courese (and to be fair) there are many who have this behavior as a fetish for themselves as well as their clientes...

But, it is still unpoleasant to be in their presence when they are "in mode" and making demands of people with whom they have no influence (*read: Right) to do so with...

I generally walk away.

Be yourself - consider what you might do if you would like to gain clientele that will look for this in you... and, simply allow it to occur as it does.

~J
PS: My girl did pro-domme-ing for a few years - she never behaved in this manner (as it is not in her to do so_ - except with specific clients who she did this with for fun (and, fun alone)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MstrssScarlet

I became a pro domme about a year ago. (Not advertising - in fact I just updated my profile and it should be unavailable for a while) Anyway.....I get a lot of comments about how "sweet" and "polite" I am when talking to people on the phone or when conducting initial interviews. This seems to leave people with the impression that I'm just "too nice" to be a domme. Of course, once we're in the dungeon all that changes very quickly. In my opinion, there's only one place to be the "bitch" and that's in the dungeon. Has anyone else come across this problem? Are good manners somehow only associated with submissives in people's minds? I'd be interested in getting some feedback on this.
Mistress Scarlet

_____________________________

"Anyone who thinks they're important is usually just a pompous moron who can't deal with his or her own pathetic insignificance and the fact that what they do is meaningless and inconsequential."
William Thomas

(in reply to MstrssScarlet)

Post #: 40

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