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Attending functions alone - 2/6/2005 11:33:06 PM

Posts: 10
Joined: 10/3/2004
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I guess I have two questions here, related to BDSM events and safety...

1. I am coming to the conclusion that online BDSM personals and chatrooms is not going to be the place for me to find what it is that I am looking for in terms of a Dom. Too many meets have turned out to be "dud" so to speak. Anyways with that said, I need a little terminology help. Is a "munch" usually just a social gathering for people who are already paired? I live in Ohio and I have not been able to find (yet) anything about any functions that are for "singles", yet I have seen a quite a bit of stuff here advertising munches.
That leads me to my second question....
2. Providing i do find something local that I can get into (and let me point out that I am ready to go to any type of function just to see what its like and see people who have similar interests to me, even if there are no available "potentials") is it generally an unsafe practice as a sub to attend some kind of function alone. I know I dont generally go to bars alone, partially for safety reasons, but attending some sort of function like this is not a thing I could just call up any friend and ask to join me. I'm not discreet, but none of my friends share my type of lifestyle.
And last thing here, and I know its different for every function/state/group etc, could anyone tell me anything about what YOUR usual functions are like. If only I could be a fly on the wall somewhere. I'm sure these types of things vary extensively, but any knowledge would help me to feel more comfortable going somewhere for the first time. I will probably already stick out like a sore thumb at one of these places, but I just want a general feel. Are the people at your functions like pirahnas to the new faces that come in, sizing them up, seeing if I will be "worthy" of being there, wondering if I am just curious or nosey? Unwilling to talk to the new kid on the block? Casual dress at most munches unless theme is indicated? Thanks in advance for any posts!

RE: Attending functions alone - 2/6/2005 11:38:47 PM

Posts: 1005
Joined: 3/31/2004
From: Sacramento, California
Status: offline

They are usually held in places like restraurants, cafes, pizza parlors.

They are low key and in public so that newbies that are nervous can attend the munch area and observe it from a distance if they need to work up courage or assure themselves that they aren't total weirdos.

They usually won't be wearing fetish gear - just normal clothes, and usually won't be displaying toys in view of the nillas out of respect.

Basically, it's just like minded perverts taking something to eat or drink and chit chatting about stuff.

It's pretty mellow and most munches are warm and friendly in most aspects in my experience.

Go and have fun! *smile*

~ShadeDiva

< Message edited by ShadeDiva -- 2/6/2005 11:39:13 PM >

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(in reply to madamrazzle)

RE: Attending functions alone - 2/7/2005 1:19:51 AM

Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline

Oh damn! You're from back home. LOL, I totally missed that when responding to your other post. I grew up around Steubenville. :-)

The best thing to do is to contact the munch coordinator and let them know it is your first time attending a munch. Ask them to help you out. Most are more than happy to do so.

*digging out my Ohio links* most of these are around Columbus...
http://www.cordsinfo.org/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ohiodsforum/
http://www.nlacolumbus.com/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/SORE/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/SeoBDSM/
http://www.ohiosmart.org/ (bit too far for you, but seems up your alley)

_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

(in reply to madamrazzle)

RE: Attending functions alone - 2/7/2005 1:26:56 AM

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Joined: 10/3/2004
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WOW BeachMystress, small word isnt it? Good job on getting out of here:P
Thank you for the links, thats more than anything I have been able to dig up. I'm going to go check some of those out now!

(in reply to BeachMystress)

RE: Attending functions alone - 2/7/2005 7:18:42 AM

Posts: 164
Status: offline

I can relate to what you are saying but there are some great munch groups out there. There is an oval group and pear group in your local area. Those who attend may have a Master/Dom or sub/slave. Some may attend alone but this is a great way to make friends and meet like minded individuals who have the same interest as you do. Another good thing about munches and sloshes that they will let you know of the next local event coming up. Ohio has one leather event I am familiar of called snow bound while Indiana has GLLA that is held in august. You got to get out there and meet people so people can get to know you. Right now Indiana has about 5 or 6 Munch or slosh group that is going on around the state. If you do not get out there in the real world you will never find out other things going on that could lead to meeting the one. Just a little remind those who are players or wanabees may not attend munches or sloshes because those who are true will see through their BS. Good luck.

(in reply to madamrazzle)

RE: Attending functions alone - 2/7/2005 8:05:08 AM

Posts: 142
Joined: 1/17/2005
From: Michigan
Status: offline

A munch is a great low key, no-pressure, singles welcome way to meet other folks into the same things. Though you say you're willing to attend any event, I'd recommend the much way first. Though some play parties do allow singles, you'd probably feel rather weird about going stag. At a munch you can make friends and go with them to the next play party or scene event that comes up.

Good luck and welcome to our little slice o' the world!

Ojedieu

(in reply to madamrazzle)

RE: Attending functions alone - 2/7/2005 8:34:57 AM

Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline

I was looking through my newbie links and found this one (forgot I had it) http://www.soj.org/articles/A%20Beginners%20Guide%20to%20BDSM%20Munches.htm
(yeah, I have links for just about everything or know where to lay hands on the links within moments.. my sub calls me the Link Queen LOL.) I remember the first time I found an Ohio BDSM site.. I was like WOW.. Ohio has kink too! *laughs* Since I started at 17 in Ohio, I don't know why I didn't expect a healthy BDSM community. Last time I was home, I got a vampire cock ring at The Lion's Den in Quaker City. I'd never been able to find one in a shop out here. Yeay Ohio!

_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

(in reply to madamrazzle)

RE: Attending functions alone - 2/7/2005 8:37:08 AM

ProtagonistLily

Posts: 1222
Joined: 12/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

I guess I have two questions here, related to BDSM events and safety...

<snip> Is a "munch" usually just a social gathering for people who are already paired? I live in Ohio and I have not been able to find (yet) anything about any functions that are for "singles", yet I have seen a quite a bit of stuff here advertising munches.
That leads me to my second question....

This is Jay Wiseman's comprehensive guide to munches:Jay Wiseman's munch guide

This link will help you find a BDSM organization in your neck of Ohio:Ohio BDSM Groups

quote:

2. Providing i do find something local that I can get into (and let me point out that I am ready to go to any type of function just to see what its like and see people who have similar interests to me, even if there are no available "potentials") is it generally an unsafe practice as a sub to attend some kind of function alone. I know I dont generally go to bars alone, partially for safety reasons, but attending some sort of function like this is not a thing I could just call up any friend and ask to join me. I'm not discreet, but none of my friends share my type of lifestyle.

This is something you have to figure out for yourself. I would suggest that you find a group on the website that I referenced and start there. Not all 'fettish' things are necessarily SSC events. (SSC=Safe, Sane and Consensual) and being new, you may not be able to distinguish one from the other. There are production companies that throw 'fettish' parties in bigger cities that are not connected with the local BDSM orgs and are generally not events I tend to go to.

quote:

And last thing here, and I know its different for every function/state/group etc, could anyone tell me anything about what YOUR usual functions are like. If only I could be a fly on the wall somewhere. <snip> Casual dress at most munches unless theme is indicated? Thanks in advance for any posts!

I think for the most part, BDSM Organizations work pretty much the same. My group has 2 monthly munches, 3 members only parties, a members meeting and workshops and learning sessions as scheduled. We have 2 public events a year, an auction and a fashion show. Most established organizations focus on education as much as 'dungeon parties.' I found this incredibly helpful when I first came into the scene.

Depending on where you live, there may be an open Yahoo Group for local kinksters. You might want to write the BDSM organization in your area and find out what resources are availalble to you.

All the best,

Lily

_____________________________

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"
~Dr. Seuss~

(in reply to madamrazzle)

RE: Attending functions alone - 2/7/2005 9:46:28 AM

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Joined: 1/1/2004
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As shade said, a munch is nothing more than a lunch meeting of friends in a vanilla setting.
No fear.
I run a local munch group to So Cal. Most are not singles oriented. They do have strictly singles munches. You just have to find them in your area. Couples do come to mine. I am part of a couple and I'm the host.
Although I welcome anyone and anything. My group has about half and half. So, I do believe if you were to go alone you'd be ok.
When I first started going to munches I went with a dom friend of mine. We'd meet there. It was ok. He knew I had no interest in him. He had none in me.
Anyway what I am saying is it is totally safe to go to a munch alone being a submissive.
It is in a vanilla restaurant. When the danger comes in, is when you leave with someone you do not know. It has happened before.
I'd suggest e-mailing the host prior to attending. Tellling them you are a bit hesitant but you'd like to meet like minded people. When you get there they will show you around and introduce you to other's. You'll be fine.

(in reply to madamrazzle)

RE: Attending functions alone - 2/7/2005 1:25:22 PM

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Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline

Here are two threads that you might find helpful:

first munch

attend a munch alone

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proudsub

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(in reply to madamrazzle)

RE: Attending functions alone - 2/7/2005 2:48:30 PM

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Joined: 1/16/2005
Status: offline

I attended my first munch in the area alone. It was a hard thing to do, but people were so welcoming; and the same people I met that night I still see at fetish/play parties. Smile and introduce yourself; tell 'em it's your first munch and I bet folks will be welcoming (at least I hope).

(in reply to proudsub)

RE: Attending functions alone - 2/16/2005 1:36:43 PM

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Joined: 8/4/2004
Status: offline

i started going alone. i made friends quickly. Besides the friendships that i have made, it is comforting (for lack of a better word) to be around like minded people. to have tangible proof that there are others like me.

(in reply to madamrazzle)

RE: Attending functions alone - 2/17/2005 2:41:59 PM

Posts: 22
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

There is nothing wrong with going to a munch by yourself, but if you would feel more comfortable taking a friend who wouldn’t get uncomfortable then do so by all means.

(in reply to Goodmix)

RE: Attending functions alone - 3/3/2005 5:05:53 AM

MistressJadeMTL

Posts: 168
Joined: 12/18/2004
From: Montreal, Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: madamrazzle
And last thing here, and I know its different for every function/state/group etc, could anyone tell me anything about what YOUR usual functions are like. If only I could be a fly on the wall somewhere. I'm sure these types of things vary extensively, but any knowledge would help me to feel more comfortable going somewhere for the first time.

Greetings,

I have attended numerous munches in the Montreal area, as there are about 2-3 different groups of people who organize them -- usually on a monthly basis.

Most of ours are held on something like a Sunday afternoon, from 12:30 to 4:30pm, but you don't have to arrive on time and don't have to stay the whole time - people will drop in and leave as their schedules permit. Another one is often held on a Saturday night for dinner at a local buffet restaurant, at one of them we had over 40 participants!! The staff kept having to add more and more tables!

Most often the discussion is lighthearted and can range wildly depending on the attendees. We had one where topics ranged from fetish photography to a Canadian view of US politics, Bush-isms, sports and even Star Trek! There might be BDSM related discussions but they are usually kept low-key out of respect for nearby vanilla folks.

Dress code here is usually very informal for the afternoon affairs, maybe a bit more dressed up for the evening ones. Very definitely a preponderence of black - you can't really go wrong with that!

At times, some of the group will head to a local dungeon after a dinner event; which is a great chance for a relative newbie to the scene to visit such a place to check it out. There is usually less pressure and some of the more experienced community members will "watch out" over newbies to make sure no one pressures them or harrasses them, as unlikely as it is in our Montreal munch community. Just before Christmas, our Sunday afternoon munch was turned into a dinner munch and we all went as a small group to check out "Le Chateau" (http://www.lechateau.biz) a local dungeon that is in a beautiful 3 story Victorian style mansion. It has numerous theme rooms with lots of equipment and even lots of comfy couches -- many of us took advantage of them and just chatted for the rest of the evening with people that we met there. We really enjoyed ourselves and have gone back to Le Chateau several times as a result of that positive experience.

Anyways, I hope that this little "review" of the munch experience up here in Montreal will give you a little insight as to how they can be... Check with your local event coordinators and they might be able to give you a little heads-up on what to expect locally regarding group size, dress code, type of restaurant, any potential follow-up activities, etc.

Good luck at your first munch!

_____________________________

~ Mistress Jade Dragon

HeadMistress - FemDomme Society of Canada: http://FemDommeSociety.ca
Montreal BDSM/Fetish Calendar of events: http://ClubFetish.ca/calendar
Blog - Adventures of a HeadMistress - http://femdommesociety.ca/HeadMistress_Jade

(in reply to madamrazzle)

RE: Attending functions alone - 3/3/2005 7:56:23 AM

Posts: 2117
Joined: 1/4/2005
From: Iowa
Status: offline

quote:

Dress code here is usually very informal for the afternoon affairs, maybe a bit more dressed up for the evening ones. Very definitely a preponderence of black - you can't really go wrong with that!

LOL!

Yes, that is exactly how I picked out where my local group was seated, the first time I went to my local munch.

(in reply to MistressJadeMTL)

RE: Attending functions alone - 3/3/2005 4:51:08 PM

Posts: 1
Joined: 12/16/2004
Status: offline

there are a number of friendly to newcomer groups in ohio.....if you write to the host...you'll find your welcome assured...though a few are couples oriented. It's always tough to be new....but once you've made contact...you'll find lots of people willing to welcome you. depending on whats convient to you beside ohio...there are wonderful groups in kentucky and indiana as well....
good luck and enjoy
de'de

(in reply to ShadeDiva)

RE: Attending functions alone - 3/5/2005 7:01:50 PM

Posts: 67
Joined: 11/28/2004
Status: offline

quote:

Just a little remind those who are players or wanabees may not attend munches or sloshes because those who are true will see through their BS.

Well, I am going to offer some cautions. I wish the above was true but in my experience it is not. I wish all munches were as well organized and friendly as the ones people have talked about here but in my experience they are not. There is a preditory aspect to some munches. Munches are not totally safe. Since they are generally publicized and in a open enviroment it is very easy for a "lurker" to hang out near a munch. Basically, think about it as going anywhere and be aware of your instincts and surroundings.

They can be great places to meet people in your area and I'd suggest following the advice given about contacting the organizer. I'd suggest that you attend a munch of an organized group since most of the group organizers know eachother at least by sight and will make an effort to meet you. But the best advice I can give you is to be honest about yourself, experience etc. not that it will come up in coversation but I can not stress enough how refreshing it is to meet people who are sincerly interested, interesting and honest.

Have fun too. Maybe that's the best advice.

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(in reply to madamrazzle)

RE: Attending functions alone - 3/9/2005 8:37:29 AM

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Joined: 1/1/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: madamrazzle

2. Providing i do find something local that I can get into (and let me point out that I am ready to go to any type of function just to see what its like and see people who have similar interests to me, even if there are no available "potentials") is it generally an unsafe practice as a sub to attend some kind of function alone. I know I dont generally go to bars alone, partially for safety reasons, but attending some sort of function like this is not a thing I could just call up any friend and ask to join me. I'm not discreet, but none of my friends share my type of lifestyle.

WHY on earth shouldn't an independent adult in this world NOT feel safe going to a MUNCH ?? They are held at bars or restaurants in vanilla situations. If you'd feel safe going there for dinner, why on earth not feel safe just because you're a sub?

THIS is the problem I have with the "Subs aren't doormats!" credo because they turn around and start talking about how they are NOT safe, NOT able to deal with adult life and pretty much ACT like doormats.

(That was a mini-rant, not specific to this person)

As far as being uncomfy going alone, I totally get that part. It's a big step. It's rough walking in a lone wolf. Part of why I am impressed with my boyfriend is that he went to munches and meetings ALONE, as a MALE, under the age of 25. Anyone who's in the public scene can tell you how tough THAT can be.

But you can make friends on a local list online who can meet up with you beforehand at a lunch or separate date. That way you won't have to go all alone and be so uncomfy. After that, you'll realize it's fine to be on your own and know some people.

quote:

And last thing here, and I know its different for every function/state/group etc, could anyone tell me anything about what YOUR usual functions are like. If only I could be a fly on the wall somewhere. I'm sure these types of things vary extensively, but any knowledge would help me to feel more comfortable going somewhere for the first time. I will probably already stick out like a sore thumb at one of these places, but I just want a general feel. Are the people at your functions like pirahnas to the new faces that come in, sizing them up, seeing if I will be "worthy" of being there, wondering if I am just curious or nosey? Unwilling to talk to the new kid on the block? Casual dress at most munches unless theme is indicated? Thanks in advance for any posts![/color]

Munches are almost always at vanilla bars and restaurants, so dress for that. We have like 5 local munches but the one I go to is after the bi-weekly meeting at a pizza place. We put tons of tables together, sit down and talk and eat. Fun.

Some munches have a more sociable feel than others, some have more guys out to look for girls than others, but it's just adults getting together and being sociable.

(in reply to madamrazzle)

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