RE: Drowning in criticism (Full Version)

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slavejali -> RE: Drowning in criticism (11/15/2006 10:50:34 AM)

Just a different perspective, cause in reality we aren't flies on your wall and really don't know whats going on.

I know a few people here and there, that due to whatever reason, they are hypersensitive and see the normal interactions of everyday life as being hostile, or somehow targetting them. Every little thing that said to them is taken outa context as though they are being attacked. This builds up and up till eventually they fall into a sense of hopelessness.

I'm not saying this is happening with you...but might just be a balanced thing to do to take a look at the situation, as we are not there to see whats really happening.

If its really your dom and everyone else in the world thats targetting you, I agree, withe Celeste, take some martial arts lessons and kick the shit outa em, err..I mean..develop some confidence so you can counteract these aggressive people [:)]



MistressSassy66 -> RE: Drowning in criticism (11/15/2006 2:40:54 PM)

Having been in that situation of the "you never do this or that thing"...there is a problem somewhere.My guess would be unhappiness or frustration of things
not going the way they thought it would.

I get very defensive now when someone starts that and as a result I am quick to jump which is not always a good thing.

My experiences have taught Me to try to say things like:
I feel like (insert your feelings here) when I get called a dummy.... for example.
That way your not placing blame and getting a defensive attitude back.

I would have blown at him up by now,kudos to keeping your cool.





LadyHugs -> RE: Drowning in criticism (11/15/2006 4:23:51 PM)

Dear sashaa, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
This original post, doesn't sound much different from vanilla relationships and relationships in general.
 
What is disturbing in my mind's eye; it seems the license to be unkind and treat you worse, in increasing measure--is someone out of control internally. 
 
M/s, D/s, BDSM, S&M is not a license to harm you mentally, emotionally, physically and or spiritually. 
 
If the problem is external and you're ending up to be the punching bag, per se--that isn't good.  The most deepest and untreated wounds are invisible--they are on the heart, spirit, emotions and or mind.
 
You're a survivor it seems lass.  However, I would get some starch in the spine, as to make clear that you might be wife and slave/sub; but your forehead doesn't have 'walk all over me and abuse me' written there.
 
No matter the package--if its abuse, its abuse.  Follow your gut instincts.  Get help. 
 
Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs



MasterFireMaam -> RE: Drowning in criticism (11/15/2006 11:01:52 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sashaa
I bend over backward to try to make people happy and respond to criticism by trying even harder, so I don't know how the criticism keeps getting worse the harder I'm working to not repeat whatever was making them upset.


I feel that, perhaps, you have unwittingly programmed yourself to respond to negative stimuli. This means that people learn, usually subconciously, that they get the best results out of you when you are criticized.

You seem like a wonderful person. Have you given any thought to going and talking to a therapist about the problem? Therapy helped me a great deal and I know it's helpd a great deal of other people, too. Think about it.

Master Fire



RedSavageSlave -> RE: Drowning in criticism (11/16/2006 8:12:28 AM)

(fast reply)

I have this picture in my mind of what you look like when someone is criticizing or attacking you verbally. I see you starting to cower and fold in on yourself in acceptance of that person's behavior. 

If this is true, perhaps an exercise you can work on ESP AT WORK is to pay attention to what happens to you "physically" when these episodes occur.

Force yourself to sit or stand upright. Force yourself to look the person in the eye and FORCE yourself to say "you are wrong" in a clear and concise voice. You do not have to go on the attack yourself but if you start standing up for yourself, you may find that others are not so quick to use you as a scapegoat.

I agree that councelling is definitely a good idea to get some skills in not accepting others judgements of you in this fashion.. however, until you are able to get that help and start benefitting from it..perhaps this exercise of self awareness and strength can help slow down the amount of criticisms you are fielding at this time.

One last thing.. anytime your dom tells you to sit down and shut up because he doesnt want to communicate over an issue you are having with the relationship, you need to seriously look at what is going on. Right now its over simple criticisms that you feel are unwarranted.. what will it be over next time?



Jobsdone -> RE: Drowning in criticism (11/17/2006 10:14:25 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sashaa

Hi all
Just to warn those of you who might want to skip this its a very whiny negative post
***leaving room so you can click the X here***
LOL

I am wondering what my options are, I am newly married to my dom who had always been a rock of strength to me. Last several months, say around 4, things have slowly become shockingly different.

At work and at home I thought I was imagining it at first but I've become the subject of a scary amount of criticism of every kind. It's not just if I do something wrong or make a mistake and get corrected. It's almost a mob-like swarming and the comments are often off the wall and nonsensical. Since I started keeping track (to make sure I wasn't just being paranoid or imagining things I started keeping a log) I have been put-down an average of 25 times each day more or less (I am not counting constructive criticism but "you-suck" kinds of comments).

I won't go through a lot of examples but given just a couple, at work I was told off for faking a sick day even thought I brought in a hospital record that I was there overnight for gallbladder surgery. At home for example I was told first things in the morning that my dom was furious with me because he was certain that I was going to ruin his time at a play-party we had scheduled that evening because I was going to fall asleep by 8 pm and we'd miss the fire play demo at midnight (I asked him why he thought so, and he said it was because I "always" do it, even though I haven't a single time!).

These kinds of comments are happening constantly every day now it's gotten worse and worse. None of them make any real sense when I sit down and try to work them out, or they are predictors of future bad behavior that never occurs, so that I don't know what to say in my defense or how to behave more agreeably.

Lately it's gotten to me so that I'm feeling inhuman and as if I can do nothing right. I know that I've been trying my best as objectively as I can. I am wondering is there something I am doing to bring this on myself? I spoke to a few people who like me at work and they totally agree that I seem to have become the scapegoat, so it's not my imagination. Furthermore this same thing has happened at every job I've had so there's a definite predictable pattern emerging.

Of course I don't have anyone I can ask about the same thing about my dom, but the critical comments are similar in that they both aren't true and hold no constructive value in teaching me how to fix whatever mistake I've been accused of.

Anyone ever had anything similar happen or have any insight??
I am drowning here and trying not to slip into a deep depression.


sashaa, there's a reason you two married one another.  Remind Him of that; if He doesn't have a brain tumor (or some other serious health problem that can be addressed by a professional) state your case and be prepared to get out.



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