RE: How do you.....

Join Our Community

Collarchat.com

Home Login Search

RE: How do you.....

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> RE: How do you.....

Page: << < prev 1 [2]

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: How do you..... - 11/18/2006 10:40:42 PM

Posts: 223
Joined: 10/22/2006
From: Minnenipples, Minnesnowta
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: alittleshyone

help a submissive to regain her confidence after having been in a bad relationship before coming to You? Or do you not desire to be involved with someone with such baggage? Just curious.

While I'd prefer a sub without baggage, I prefer even more for them to be adult - and adults come with baggage.

How to help her regain her confidence? Enforced affirmations, focus on her successes, and time - the great healer is time. Being careful to not rub the raw spots should go without saying - but here I am, saying it.

But now I'm curious - how did the bad relationship erode her confidence? Knowing just what damage was done would be essential in planning a healing regimen, I would think.

Midnight Writer

_____________________________

Benevolent Dictator of TIES - Tremendously Intense Erotic Situations. If you're local to Mpls-St.Paul, MN, you may want to check us out. The web site is at http://www.ties-bdsm.org and the Munches are monthly.

(in reply to alittleshyone)

RE: How do you..... - 11/19/2006 2:17:51 PM

Posts: 68
Joined: 7/15/2005
Status: offline

I am wrestling with this same issue. I am a domme with most men but find a relationship with a dom is what I need in a long term thing. Recently something I was in slowly faded out and I feel the need to start looking for someone. Although I miss him, there were several points we werent compatible on. Should I start talking ot doms and see who else there is, taking time to get to know them if they seem ok? It's not the domming that I miss totally , it's the being with someone on the same wavelength to talk with and play with. A long term with a sub won't work, while I like playing domme to them, they could never get me where I need to go sexually. Just trying to sort out what to do now. Any help would be appreciated.

(in reply to AquaticSub)

RE: How do you..... - 11/19/2006 2:19:27 PM

Posts: 68
Joined: 7/15/2005
Status: offline

emdoub., read your post after I wrote mine. Again in the same zip code on thinking. Life is kind of hard to fathom sometimes, isn't it?

(in reply to emdoub)

RE: How do you..... - 11/19/2006 2:49:30 PM

Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: degradess

It's not the domming that I miss totally , it's the being with someone on the same wavelength to talk with and play with.

Its funny you should mention this, I was just writing something in my journal here regarding this. I've always stated I seek slaves but an encounter earlier this year has left me pondering what a relationship with a domme might have to offer. It reminded me of a quote from Nietzsche.

"Loving the master -- not as apprentices do, loves a master, a master." -- Friedrich Nietzsche.

It certainly is something to ponder. All I can suggest is that you consider what you really seek in a relationship and then ask yourself whom can best match that... then follow that.

_____________________________

Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to degradess)

RE: How do you..... - 11/19/2006 8:35:01 PM

Posts: 1765
Joined: 12/5/2004
Status: offline

I have often tried to help a submissive or slave over come burdens of past relationships that have gone awry . even if they were not coming to me ... a slave or sub with a healthy mind serves better and preforms her duties much better. So I work with subs and slaves who have been "thru the ringer" and help them to regain confidences .... it can be challenging at times but when you seea slave who puts breath play in her hard limits cause a previous harmed her mentally due to ihands on her throat .. and now she craves the hands on her throat . well thats its own reward. I do this because no sub or slave should ever have to deal with a bad experience in this lifestyle . sad that it happens but it does ...

_____________________________

A building get torched. All that is left is ashes. I used to think that it is true about everything - family, friends, feelings - but now I know that sometimes if love proves real, and two people are meant to be together, nothing can keep them apart ~

(in reply to alittleshyone)

RE: How do you..... - 11/19/2006 8:40:39 PM

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: alittleshyone

help a submissive to regain her confidence after having been in a bad relationship before coming to You? Or do you not desire to be involved with someone with such baggage?

I deal with that sort of baggage all the time with Angel.
The best thing I can do for him is make sure he knows that regardless of what anyone has said about him or done to him in the past, he is important to me in the here and now. I am certain his confidence will imprive the more he comes to understand that the opinions of those that didnt love him arent important. His friends have already notced a change in how he carries himself, so I assume I am doing something right.

DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to alittleshyone)

RE: How do you..... - 11/20/2006 8:44:54 AM

Posts: 14
Joined: 11/14/2006
Status: offline

I thank all of you for your kind responses. A little background on why i am asking. i met my Master 8 yrs ago, through a mutual friend, we took a lonng time to come to a TPE relationship. What i thought was bliss, turned out to be, what i beleive a complete horror. i found out that he had been stealing from me and using my identity, lying about many things, and eventually it became violently physical. i left, only through the help of anothe submissive and her Master. i have since reclaimed, after a very long and hard fight, my identity, faced alot of public humiliation, and family disappointment. Basically, i shut myself out from everyone, and began rebuilding myself into what i have and continue to desire to become. i am a strong woman, confident in myself and what i want in life, in a Master and in myself. i have taken baby steps to go back to a lifestyle that i adore and crave, after having been with someone who basically threw it in my face.

i thank each of you for your kind responses and which you all the beast of everything,

respectfully,

shy

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

RE: How do you..... - 11/20/2006 9:12:09 AM

Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: alittleshyone

I thank all of you for your kind responses.

You're welcome

quote:

... began rebuilding myself into what i have and continue to desire to become. i am a strong woman, confident in myself and what i want in life, in a Master and in myself.

This part I found particularly encouraging and positive. I think its very important you have a clear self image, as well as a positive self esteem, so that you are both confident in who you are and know exactly who that is. Having that core belief about yourself makes it easier for you to say No when you need to, to walk away from things that aren't healthy for you, and to also recognize when things truly are right.

quote:

i thank each of you for your kind responses and which you all the beast of everything,

Well that's not my kink, but thanks anyway... :: grins :: Typos are so funny sometimes.

_____________________________

Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to alittleshyone)

RE: How do you..... - 11/20/2006 12:09:50 PM

Posts: 14
Joined: 11/14/2006
Status: offline

lol, this is why i normally use spell check, lol.

shy

(in reply to Padriag)

RE: How do you..... - 11/20/2006 12:25:07 PM

Posts: 1553
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: New England
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: alittleshyone

[How do you] help a submissive to regain her confidence after having been in a bad relationship before coming to You? Or do you not desire to be involved with someone with such baggage?

It is her authenticity that interests me. If driven enough by her own convictions, she will transcend her negative experience and find the strength to appeal to me. This is not to say I won't have compassion for the memories that make her tremble, or a past life that wakes her in the night. It is to say that I won't allow her past experience to become an excuse for paranoia, misbehavior or unnecessary drama. Having no room for such theatre is the best way to help a girl recover.

(in reply to alittleshyone)

RE: How do you..... - 11/20/2006 3:53:29 PM

Posts: 220
Joined: 2/26/2005
Status: offline

no one can help you regain your confidence you have to do that for yourself. The first thing you have to do is pull all the baggage out throw out the trash (stuff you have no control over) look at the baggage you keep( stuff you can control) and wash and pack away what you have control over. Grow from it and heal from within. you are worth it and dont allow anyone to tell you different.

(in reply to Midearthtrainer)

RE: How do you..... - 11/20/2006 6:10:01 PM

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: amayos

quote:

ORIGINAL: alittleshyone

[How do you] help a submissive to regain her confidence after having been in a bad relationship before coming to You? Or do you not desire to be involved with someone with such baggage?

It is her authenticity that interests me. If driven enough by her own convictions, she will transcend her negative experience and find the strength to appeal to me. This is not to say I won't have compassion for the memories that make her tremble, or a past life that wakes her in the night. It is to say that I won't allow her past experience to become an excuse for paranoia, misbehavior or unnecessary drama. Having no room for such theatre is the best way to help a girl recover.

Again you echo a certain someone in my life...heh.

I was not in any way allowed to dwell on my past pains and give them power over me. "You will get rid of your baggage or I will strip it from you" was made very clear to me. And while there was room given to process such burdens, he would not tolerate my judging him based on all others in my past who damaged me.

Along with this, he gave me small challenges at first, to allow me success with which to grow my confidence. Focusing on my strengths, he allowed a momentum to build whereby I very slowly began to feel good about myself, and developed the confidence to take on increasingly difficult challenges. He demanded only my best and accepted no less, even if my best was pretty weak at the time. Positive feedback also played a big part, even if it was simply recognizing my efforts to overcome myself and to please him.

His combined efforts brought the best out of me, and still do.

(in reply to amayos)

RE: How do you..... - 11/21/2006 11:10:33 PM

Posts: 648
Joined: 5/24/2004
Status: offline

while I have never had any experience in helping a sub through hardcore emotional problems...while I know and consider myself a patient man...I would only take a 'rough diamond' if she is struggling and trying to overcome things and is willing to put a sincere effort....I have trained a submissive almost from scratch, and it was work, but well worth it...any sub is work even if less or more, it always takes some effort to obtain a good sub

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

RE: How do you..... - 11/22/2006 12:11:36 AM

Posts: 393
Joined: 8/7/2005
Status: offline

Personally, I think that if you are the right Master for the slave, just being yourself and having patients. If you're not the right one for her, then trying to be what she needs isn't going to work in the long run, she will not truly get what she needs and you'll just get flustered.

Be Well,
Darkside

PS....yes, I'm still breathing. LOL.

(in reply to alittleshyone)

RE: How do you..... - 11/25/2006 5:10:40 PM

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline

One thing he did was give me a rule of talking to one stranger a day, looking them in the face and smiling at them. I must have held the door for every elderly man in this town during that time and made more inane comments on the weather than ever before!

But it helped.

As far as our relationship, he really is the man he represented himself to be. He gets irritated by things but he doesn't go into rage and he doesn't come home in a bad mood looking for a scapegoat. I watched him for months expecting that this was all a front but it isn't. He is the man I've always wanted and never knew existed. He commands quiet respect, is universally loved by animals, and lives up to his own code of honor. But it took months before I trusted him and nothing could have shortened that. He understood how scarred I was and gave me the time I needed including reminding me when I would lose it that he isn't my ex and doesn't act that way.

What helped a great deal was just physical contact. I've discovered that if he holds me when I'm upset, then I don't retreat into fear. Arguements are much less when we hold each other during them and they're easier to bear.

(in reply to SirDarkside357)

RE: How do you..... - 11/25/2006 5:19:00 PM

Posts: 33
Joined: 4/2/2006
Status: offline

One of my slaves is badly, badly damaged. Incredibly badly. Damaged goods all the way. And, you know.. I like it.

As a Master, one of my first joys is caring for my slaves. Healing her is certainly something that brings us closer together. I believe the best way, outside therapy (talking to her about it), is to hold her close and watch her.

I see hurt slaves as hurt animals. Give them their distance, so long as they don't try to hide too far away. Let them know they're welcome, though don't exert pressure for them to come. Help them when they need it, and invite them closer when appropriate. When they absolutely need it.. when they break down.. but they don't ask for help.. take them and hold them anyhow, even if they put up a fight. Don't hurt them.

(in reply to alittleshyone)

Page: << < prev 1 [2]

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> RE: How do you.....

Page: << < prev 1 [2]

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2024

Terms of Service

0.070