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sprite67 -> RE: Balance on uneven ground (2/9/2005 11:44:43 AM)
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I have been married for three and a half years to a man who was a little weirded out at first by my desire to be submissive, then slowly came to try to do it, but wanted instructions, and wanted me to somehow be in charge of him being in charge, and I went from trying to please him by trying to NOT need to be submissive, to being angry about it, to resigning myself to the idea that he just didn't have it in him to be dominant... and then, somehow, he "got it".
I used to feel guilty... if I was submissive, and he didn't want to be dominant.. then was I being un-submissive by wanting him to be dominant? How could he NOT be dominant and me stay true to myself as a submissive, and express who I really am inside? But I could SEE it in him... otherwise I don't think I'd have been attracted to him in the first place. He certainly has some switch in him... but it was clear he wanted to be in charge, but was afraid or embarrassed about it himself.
I think the thing that really changed was inside him, and has little to do with anything I've done, other than to learn to accept him where he was, and as who he was, and to slowly teach him more about me and what I wanted, and my own realization that he wasn't going to object if I made him coffee, or if I helped him with his work, or if I handed him a towel after his shower (if i wasn't dramatic about it, but did it humbly and in a way that really WAS a service to him)...and it slowly became a part of our lives in little ways that didn't scare him, and one day, he realized what I was wanting, and that he could benefit from that too!
I think that at first, I was a little embarrassed by my own needs, and presented them in a way that DID make them look a little weird. And I think I tried to force or beg him to take on the role of dominant instead of me learning how to be truly in service to him. Once I stopped trying to make him jump from where he was to where I wanted him to be and let him grow at his own speed into it... he came to love me for who I am, and I came to love him and accept him for who he is... the whole issue became a NON-issue. We're now playing with some ideas for a few areas where we can move from what we've been doing to more of a 24/7 arrangement, but one baby step at a time, using our own model that fits into our own lives...and making sure we each get to bring all of ourselves with us, and not deny any of the feelings or issues that need to be processed for us to get out of it all we can.
Oh, I'm so thankful and happy.... but it's been a long road. I wish you the best luck and all the time in the world in loving eachother as whoever you are, and making eachothers needs and desires the focus of your lives.
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