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GrandpaLash -> RE: What are signs a person is a dom? (2/13/2005 8:16:41 PM)
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There is an interesting site in Australia (http://www.ozabis.info/index.html) which has some excellent articles by the Webmaster on different styles of sub and Dom/me. One of the most useful statements he makes is about the makeup of the term BDSM: BD = Bondage and Discipline; DS = Dominance and submission; and SM is Sadism and Masochism.
Nothing new there for most of us. But many people in the scene are attracted to one or other of those divisions rather than the whole complex. A sadist may call himself a Dominant when in fact he is not Dominant at all, just very good at using the skills that Dominants learn to cause pain within their dynamic. Others are Dominants, but with very little sadism in them. Others are heavily into the bondage area, and may not be Dominant at all, or even sadistic. And the same apples to submissives/masochists/bondage bunnies of either gender.
With that in mind, it is quite common to see someone known as a Dominant and wonder what the hell people are talking about, himself/herself included, because there is no obvious Dominance about him/her. Chances are he/she is a sadist or a bondage lover, not a Dominant.
I am primarily a Dominant (not sure yet about Master, there is a subtle difference, mostly, I think, revolving around the degree of one's desire to control others) with a strong sadistic bent. Bondage is a technique I have learned because many subs need it, but it doesn't do an awful lot for me. But merely causing pain, even as a prelude to sex, doesn't satisfy me either without the sense that I am in the Dominant role in my submissive's eyes.
My slave has said many times that she sensed my dominance from the moment we began corresponding, and was a little overwhelmed by it in person, and I have certainly been a dominant personality for most of my adult life. Others, however, do NOT sense that - as pointed out above, different people cause different reactions. But she finds several of the better-known Dominants on our local scene to be laughable, yet I know subs who have worked with them, who don't find me particularly dominant, who think these men are definitely Dominants.
Others I have looked at and raised an eyebrow over myself - until I see them play, and realise they are skilful sadists. The terminology in our lifestyle is so confusing because it covers so many possibilities, and I haven't even mentioned Top and bottom, which I see as another issue altogether, to do with sensation-seeking and sex, not Dominance and submission. And then there are switches, who I simply don't comprehend at all.
In the final analysis, you can only tell if a man is a Dominant if he makes you feel submissive - which doesn't necessarily mean you fancy him or want to submit to him, just that he triggers that response in you. But looking at dominant personalities in vanilla land isn't going to help you. As so many have said, many lifestyle submissives are dominant personalities, and a merely dominant personality might make an admirable lover, but without a touch of sadism, a touch of the desire to control, and a touch of bastard/bitch, he/she isn't going to make a Dominant.
Grandpa Lash
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