safe word not allowed?? (Full Version)

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conflicted -> safe word not allowed?? (2/13/2005 6:13:19 AM)

To be honest, i said something that was a bit hurtful to my Master last night, but i was not being disrespectful, more defending my actions. In hindsight i suppose, perhaps i shouldnt have said anything [&o]

Anyway......our conversation was over the phone, and He told me that when He next sees me, i will be punished, and my safeword will not save my hide......and that kinda scares me a bit, well more than a bit.

I have only used the safe word once in our time together and it was when He was really angry with me and i knew things were getting out of hand, and i genuinely feared for my safety. However He did stop immediately that time, and we discussed what had happened and why, and everything was ok.

i dont really know what to think about this, but any thoughts would be appreciated.

Thanks

n



mistoferin -> RE: safe word not allowed?? (2/13/2005 6:38:33 AM)

quote:

I have only used the safe word once in our time together and it was when He was really angry with me and i knew things were getting out of hand, and i genuinely feared for my safety.


I have never assumed that I could safe word out of a punishment. I have great trust in my Dominant and although I know that He will hurt me, I also know that He would NEVER harm me. Sir would never punish while He is angry. While I know that punishment will surely be something that I deem to be very unpleasant, I also know that I will come out of it unharmed and having learned a valuable lesson from it.

If your Dominant is playing with you or punishing you while he is very angry to the point that you genuinely fear for you safety, then I think there is a much larger issue that you need to consider. How can you put your trust in a man that makes you fear for your safety....no matter what the circumstance?



conflicted -> RE: safe word not allowed?? (2/13/2005 7:08:21 AM)

Thanks for your reply mistoferin.
i have never used or assumed that the safe word would get me out of a punishment, nor have i ever not accepted a punishment without thanks as i believe He knows what is best for me, and like you, i do learn from them. [;)]

quote:

How can you put your trust in a man that makes you fear for your safety....no matter what the circumstance?


That is a very good point, and i am at a loss really how to answer it!

i fear His anger, and that was when i used the safe word for the first/last time (it was early on in the relationship.)
i thought we had worked through that together about punishment and play if He was angry for any reason, just not neccessarily at me.

it has un-nerved me that He said it. He could mean it? He could be messing with my head? Perhaps He said it to upset me? Maybe He wants me to think about what was said? i dont know. But it has definately filled me with nervous anticipation!

n



mistoferin -> RE: safe word not allowed?? (2/13/2005 7:25:02 AM)

quote:

it has un-nerved me that He said it. He could mean it? He could be messing with my head? Perhaps He said it to upset me? Maybe He wants me to think about what was said? i dont know. But it has definately filled me with nervous anticipation!


I guess that what I would do (not to say that it is necessarily what you should do) is talk with my Dominant and explain to Him that I was having an issue with trust based upon the prior experience and His recent comments.



SecretDomme -> RE: safe word not allowed?? (2/13/2005 9:14:31 AM)

It is a bit concerning to hear that he is punishing you physically at the height of his anger. I think being worried that a punishment is not going to be pleasant is understandable. They are not supposed to be pleasant. But if he has gone beyond what you have considered to be safe once already, he is capable of doing it again. Trust your instinct.

Be well,
Julie



FangsNfeet -> RE: safe word not allowed?? (2/13/2005 9:35:29 AM)

With out acctually knowing you and your Dom I'm going to linger to say that he is making you scared as being a tease and testing you.

Safe word or not he should be able to read your body language and not overstep the bounds. If he dose overstep then he just threw away all that trust and hopefully be left looking for a new sub.

I may be wrong but that's what I figure based on your post.



MsSilvie -> RE: safe word not allowed?? (2/13/2005 10:21:47 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: conflicted

Thanks for your reply mistoferin.
i have never used or assumed that the safe word would get me out of a punishment, nor have i ever not accepted a punishment without thanks as i believe He knows what is best for me, and like you, i do learn from them. [;)]

quote:

How can you put your trust in a man that makes you fear for your safety....no matter what the circumstance?


That is a very good point, and i am at a loss really how to answer it!

i fear His anger, and that was when i used the safe word for the first/last time (it was early on in the relationship.)
i thought we had worked through that together about punishment and play if He was angry for any reason, just not neccessarily at me.

it has un-nerved me that He said it. He could mean it? He could be messing with my head? Perhaps He said it to upset me? Maybe He wants me to think about what was said? i dont know. But it has definately filled me with nervous anticipation!

n


I suppose he could be messing with your head. You know the man better than anyone here.

I'll admit I have mixed feelings about punishment and safewords in a punishment situation also. I don't generally like the idea behind using extreme pain for punishment. Probably since I have mostly masochists as partners. You tend to be reinforcing the wrong behavior when you smack a masochist for doing something wrong. I particularly dislike making someone wait for punishment. If you want to make the association between the behavior and the consequences, you do it fast.

If you are afraid of the punishment, that's one thing. If you are afraid of the person who is doing the punishing, that's another. Maybe that sounds like a subtle difference. But that is what I would ask for someone in your situation.



liltxsubby -> RE: safe word not allowed?? (2/14/2005 12:51:22 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: FangsNfeet

With out acctually knowing you and your Dom I'm going to linger to say that he is making you scared as being a tease and testing you.

You are just plain evil, but then you and i already know that [;)]

The thing that worries me in this is that he punishes you in anger. Your safety is in his hands, and safe word or no it is not safe to punish when the Dom is emotional. I don't have a safeword for punishment either, but i trust my Dom not to take me beyond where i can safely go, so it's not needed. Even if i did have one, if i really was unsure about him being able to control himself,i would ask that he coll off before the punishment started.



sweetpleaser -> RE: safe word not allowed?? (2/14/2005 1:25:49 PM)

quote:

To be honest, i said something that was a bit hurtful to my Master last night, but i was not being disrespectful, more defending my actions. In hindsight i suppose, perhaps i shouldnt have said anything


Please clarify this for me, what did you say that was hurtful to your Master? Is that why you are being punished? Sorry if I am a bit daft this afternoon. You must trust him by now so go along with his "no safeword" policy--he may just be mindfucking you because the scariness is worse than the actual punishment. JMO.



conflicted -> RE: safe word not allowed?? (2/14/2005 4:48:54 PM)

Thank-you so much for your replies.

quote:

Please clarify this for me, what did you say that was hurtful to your Master? Is that why you are being punished?


He was annoyed that i hadnt completed writing my lines (another punishment) but i told Him that i was unable because my children were present. He replied that He comes first...to which i replied in quite a catty fashion, that i dont come first to Him all the time either, sometimes it seems..if ever [&o]

I will be seeing Him this afternoon, so i will let you know what happens[:(]

thanks again

n



submom2 -> RE: safe word not allowed?? (2/14/2005 5:32:19 PM)

quote:

because my children were present


Not passing any judgement here. I don't know either of you. But, rug rats always come first with me.

P.S. Try not to mention the unmentionable. It'll get your thread pulled.[;)]



mistoferin -> RE: safe word not allowed?? (2/14/2005 5:47:31 PM)

quote:

He replied that He comes first


There are some things that take precedence. Between the choices you stated he would not be #1 choice in my book either so I do understand why you chose the way you did. Some things in life are more important and the reality is that there are times when family has to come first.

I will say this though, there is nothing that will get me into hot water faster than a catty answer, even if it is justifiable.



sweetpleaser -> RE: safe word not allowed?? (2/15/2005 11:20:44 AM)

Okay, what happened? That was a smart-allicky answer you gave him but I understand what you mean about kids. I might have said, "okay, you come over here and take these rugrats off my hands and I will gladly write my lines." But, guess I'd be in a cage right now.[:D]



FangsNfeet -> RE: safe word not allowed?? (2/15/2005 7:17:07 PM)

I was raised by a single mom and so I know how most Single mothers feel about there kids as well as mothers in general.

I also see this trend so Fathers as well. Kids come FIRST when it comes to what they should and shouldn't see in your adult relationship. A guy would have to be completly clueless that you are looking for a guy who would love you and treat your kids as his own careing for them and understand how you want them to be treated and disciplined.

Just dump the Bastard and move on for a Male dom needs to be a REAL MAN first before he can be a Dom.



quietkitten -> RE: safe word not allowed?? (2/16/2005 1:57:25 PM)

I find it disturbing that sir would put his needs first before the needs of your children.
If Sir did not know you had children when your relationship began it might make some sense. But, obviously he must have been aware that you have children and that there are times when they need you more then Sir needs you.



conflicted -> RE: safe word not allowed?? (2/16/2005 5:31:49 PM)

Thank-you all again for your replies and thoughts. i havent been online for a couple of days and i thank those for the concerned emails.
it is wonderful to know that there is a support network within these boards.

Master's anger had abated somewhat, though the punishment was swift, hard and without warm up, i feel i mustve had an angel on my side as the paddle broke after the 3rd strike. It stopped Him immediately as i think it made Him realise the amount of force He was using. i took the opportunity to then ask to speak "freely" and i was able to raise the punishment while angry issue, and my concerns about not being able to safe word should i absolutely need too. These were discussed at length, and hopefully it will no longer be a problem.[:)]

thanks again

n



quietkitten -> RE: safe word not allowed?? (2/16/2005 6:20:35 PM)

I am glad you are OK, but I am still concerned that someday sir's anger may make him seriously hurt you. It sounds like you would have received the beating of your life if the paddle hadn't broken.
He was hitting you out of anger and that is not acceptable.



Bwana55419 -> RE: safe word not allowed?? (2/17/2005 2:39:46 PM)

This all just sounds so wrong on so many levels.

Granted it is up to you to decide if you want to be able to use a safe word, but it just seems like a crappy way for him to handle it. Then factor in the whole aspect of him feeling he should come before you children, it just seems too over the top.
I understand that there may be factors I am missing, but this just sounds terrible.

I am happy to hear it went well for you.



SweetDommes -> RE: safe word not allowed?? (2/18/2005 7:01:14 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: conflicted
i took the opportunity to then ask to speak "freely" and i was able to raise the punishment while angry issue, and my concerns about not being able to safe word should i absolutely need too. These were discussed at length, and hopefully it will no longer be a problem


I hope that you also discussed with him the fact that it was your CHILDREN, for whom you are legally responsible for, that you did not have your assignment done. It doesn't matter what the cause of the first assignment was, if you do inappropriate things in front of your children, you could lose them and go to jail - if you neglect them to do something else, even if it's not something that would scar them to see (I believe you said you were supposed to "write lines" ... don't know what that means, but not likely to be too disturbing to children, depending on what exactly you were supposed to be writing), then you could lose them and go to jail. Maybe you should talk with him about how he feels about visiting you in jail, since that is what is likely to happen if you do, indeed, always put him first.

It isn't as though you blew the assignment off, it isn't as though you procrastinated to hang out with your best girlfriend and get drunk ... it was put off for a responsibility that, as a Dominant, he should be able to see and understand and accept that you have and always will have. While I don't know all of the dynamics of your relationship with him, I have to say that I agree with Fangs - someone who cannot respect that your duties as a parent come first is not a Dom.... after having seen things like this before (a sub that we know was with a "dom" who got upset that his laundry didn't get done while he was staying at her house ... even though her daughter had the killer flu at the time), I have to say that a real Dominant would say something along the lines of "ok then, write [x number] more, and have them done by [set date]" ... not "I should always come first, even ahead of your children."



LadyJill -> RE: safe word not allowed?? (2/18/2005 3:11:52 PM)

No one should ever fear nor instill fear if you use safe words in that manner and if you go to the extent of posting this questions, My dear you know the answer. It not right for you. Submission is a gift not to be afraid of giving.
Lady Jill



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