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new, confused and seeking advice - 12/4/2006 6:28:36 PM

RUBondage

Posts: 12
Joined: 12/3/2006
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I am completely new to this entire thing, and have had a minimal amount of experience. A friend and I recently started exploring this at the aid of another friend. It is completely kept in the bedroom and me and her have no intentions of moving it further. She is a complete sub and has no intentions of anything else. I on the other hand am for sure a switch, as much as i can say that. I like to dominate but i also like to be taken and restrianed. It really depends on my mood and who i am with. In her case i feel dominate but that may just be the lack of experience. There is alot of confusion in my head to wether or not i should be starting off being a dom, if i have no experience as a sub and what i can do to increase my knowledge on the subject. And also that i know i am still able to enjoy the vanilla side of sex with no problems, which im not sure is werid or not.

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RE: new, confused and seeking advice - 12/4/2006 7:07:46 PM

WyrdRich

Posts: 1733
Joined: 1/3/2005
Status: offline

     Welcome. First piece of advice is to make sure you and your partner are communicating A LOT. Read the forums (and a lot of other things) and don't be afraid to ask questions. Find a real time group in your area and go out to a few munches.

     You may encounter people, both here and in r/t, who make all this the central focus of their lives. Don't let them scare you away or impose their particular relationship values upon you (try to get along with them if you can, they frequently have AWESOME basements to play in).

      Good luck

(in reply to RUBondage)

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RE: new, confused and seeking advice - 12/4/2006 7:22:49 PM

catfood

Posts: 52
Joined: 11/30/2006
From: new jersey
Status: offline

good advice from rich. if you are new...read everything you can about bdsm (google greenery press, nice place to start). read the forums, ask lots of questions, and go find some live humans that share your interests (there are groups of us virtually everywhere). there is no substitute for talking with others who can share their experiences, both good and bad. in person, thus you weed out the internet fantasy pros.

don't worry too much about whether you are a switch/dom/sub/fish or fowl. instead, make sure to talk with your partner about what you are going to do, what you have done, and what you feel than and afterward. keep reading, keep a journal of your thoughts/feelings, and go slowly. you have a lifetime ahead of you to do it all, you don't have to race. there is no finish line to cross.

nothing beats honest, open communication in the pursuit of your bdsm self.

be safe, and hang on for the ride. i wish you well.

(in reply to WyrdRich)

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RE: new, confused and seeking advice - 12/5/2006 5:21:00 AM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
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No, you don't have to start as a sub. If she's only comfortable as a sub, and if you feel dominant toward her, then what's the problem? Sounds like you're perfectly suited.

I can't imagine the day coming when I wouldn't also enjoy plain lovemaking. Not everything has to involve pulling every item in the toy bag out.

Just be who you are and make sure you both are happy. At day's end, that's all that will matter.

(in reply to catfood)

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RE: new, confused and seeking advice - 1/3/2007 9:00:22 PM

masterfixer

Posts: 82
Joined: 3/25/2006
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most the time the master is the slave...

(in reply to Celeste43)

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RE: new, confused and seeking advice - 1/3/2007 9:01:40 PM

masterfixer

Posts: 82
Joined: 3/25/2006
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sometimes the master is the slave...

(in reply to Celeste43)

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RE: new, confused and seeking advice - 1/4/2007 3:57:56 PM

Stephann

Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
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RU - your relationship is your own. It's ok to be submissive to some people, dominant towards other. As long as everyone involved is talking, and has a good idea of what to expect, you don't have much to worry about.

A bit of advice: A slave is a type of submissive. Not all submissives are slaves. The difference, at your stage in the relationship is academic at best, so don't worry on it. A Master (or Mistress) is the owner of a slave. A Master is a dominant person. Top and bottom are activity related terms. If a man ties up a woman, he can be said to be the top, she is the bottom. A slave can top, a Master/Mistress can bottom though these sorts of role reversals aren't as common.

A dominant is a person who generally prefers to be (or feels they naturally are) the person with power. They dominate, as an action. Confusing the word dominant and dominate raises the hairs on the backs of most of the folks around here.

Good luck, and enjoy.

Stephan

p.s. : Fixer: This statement is false.

_____________________________

Nosce Te Ipsum

"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

(in reply to masterfixer)

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RE: new, confused and seeking advice - 1/6/2007 6:08:55 PM

fergus

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Joined: 6/22/2005
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I can only reinforce Rich's advice.

Communication communication communication.

fergus

(in reply to Stephann)

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RE: new, confused and seeking advice - 1/8/2007 4:27:02 PM

SCswitch

Posts: 7
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My advice to a new comer is go very slow. The one thing I have learned in the past four years of being in this life, is try not to sterotype yourself with labels such as Dominant or submissive.
I was trained as a submissive first, and still have a Mentor to lead me through troubled waters.
All of the titles still confuse me, but end the end it is you that has to be comfortable with what you are doing. Learn as much as you can.
Figure out if you are more submissive or more Dominant. I am more Domme than submissive.

Respectfully, SC switch

(in reply to fergus)

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RE: new, confused and seeking advice - 1/8/2007 8:06:55 PM

Evanesce

Posts: 2325
Joined: 9/14/2005
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I'm thinkin' Rich has been peekin' in my basement windows!

But seriously... try not to waste time trying to figure out what label to slap on yourself. The labels will come in time, when you've figured out where your interests lie. If you feel dominant toward your girl, and she feels submissive toward you, then go with that and let it take you where it will. Read everything you can get your hands on; ask questions when you're not sure; meet other people in real life; and above all else, stay true to yourself. Be who YOU want and need to be, not what you think others expect you to be.

_____________________________

Denise

Give a slave what he truly needs, and he will do what you want.

"There's never a hero in a battle of ego." - Big & Rich

(in reply to SCswitch)

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RE: new, confused and seeking advice - 1/9/2007 7:02:47 AM

dreamkurn

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Joined: 12/27/2006
From: canada
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confusion ...yeah i hear that...i remember the first time i discovered i liked pain...then discovered girl freinds(wives) don't always really want to know what your thinking or what works for you...sigh...have fun though and try not to let confusion interfere with good clean..consentual kink..

(in reply to Evanesce)

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RE: new, confused and seeking advice - 1/10/2007 6:27:00 PM

deeddlit

Posts: 484
Joined: 1/7/2007
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Glad I read your thread. I seem to be feeling a lot of the same things and the advice given to you is applicable to myself and situation.

Good luck to you!!

Take care and Be Cause!!
Ladydeeddlit

(in reply to dreamkurn)

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